Lulu39

So, most days I tell myself I'm not going to come to this forum. I'm going to NOT give any of my time or my thoughts to my STBAH's alcoholism. I tell myself that I'm not going to read Melody Beattie. But then I do.

Sometimes I feel like reading here and posting here is giving more time and energy to HIM because he is the one with the massive problem and it PISSES ME OFF!

The real answer is that dealing with this on my terms is good for me. Isn't it? Reading and posting here is not allocating more time to him and his selfish crap. Reading and posting here is about me not him. Is that the correct answer?

Does anyone else ever feel like this?

drunkyjules

LuLu I think your right. It is about you not him. If coming here helps you, makes you feel better, provides you with hope and maybe some comfort then it is definitely a benefit to you.

Your taking care of yourself and I'm glad you are here. Keep coming back!!!

Seren

Yep, IMHO, I think many of us come here thinking we will find some answer, some way to fix the alcoholic in our lives.

Now, I just want to be the best person I can be. SR is but one component of that for me.

dandylion

LuLU, I have been in a position (my line of work)to recommend alanon the spouse/family of very sick alcoholics.

If they have absolutely no idea what alanon is about (and most have never heard of it), their reaction is very frequently defensive. They usually say "What! I don't need the help--he is the one with the drinking problem!" "He has put me through H***, and I don't have any extra time to be running to more meetings because of him!"

I try to explain the true purpose, but, to most, the concept is foreign to them in the beginning. After all, it may have been years since there was any attention paid to their needs or suffering. So, the reaction is very understandable.

Don't worry, LuLu, taking care of yourself in whatever way that helps is the best possible thing you can do. You are just as important as any other living creature.

dandylion

LifeRecovery

Oh did I feel that for a long time.

It is what kept me out of Al-Anon for so long.

Once I realized this stuff was for me it was much easier.

GettingBy

Yup. When I first started reaching out, I wanted to know how to fix my XAH. I was sooooo pissed at the response I got.... "work on me?!? Wtf?!? I'm not the one with the problem!"

Turns out I did have a problem. I was raised in a dysfunctional alcoholic home... And then married an alcoholic... So I had issues, lots of issues, I needed to work on.

Focusing on me helped me work through my anger and resentments. It helped me find the strength and power to take care of me, to set boundaries for me and my children.

Focusing on me was and is the only way to have the life I want.

itsmylifenow

Yes, this was me before I came here. The only al-anon meeting I went to I remember thinking it was definitely his problem and not mine and I wasn't going to spend MY time dealing with something I had nothing to do with.

Sometimes, though I feel the same as you. That staying on this site just keeps the relationship with the xabf iin the forefront of my mind.

I guess I have to re-frame the way I look at it.

It was because of my R with axbf that my eyes opened to my co-dependency issues and finally brought me to a place where I could get help.

I believe people come into our lives for a reason. I, personally, would have liked this issue to have come to my attention in a much less agonizing way, but then maybe I wouldn't have learned as much as I have.

I think when I first came here I gravitated towards a certain kind of post. Now, that I've been here awhile and I'm working on myself, I no longer post so much about him but more about my experience and my own recovery and hope it can help someone else.

Did I even remotely answer that question?? Two days until school starts around here...I think my mind has turned to mush! :rotfxko

Learn2Live

When I first discovered Al-Anon, I realized I needed it. Not for anyone but me. When I went to meetings, at first all I did was cry and sob. But then I saw that people understood and cared about me. I began to hear words they used that I had never heard before. And I began to understand the words, and to trust others, and to open up. I began to share myself. My feelings, my thoughts, my pain, my frustrations. And through this process I gained a whole new perspective, a different way of experiencing the world, so very different from the way I was taught to view the world, from my alcoholic upbringing. I learned new tools, new ways of relating to others. I began to change. I began to grow up. I needed to.

There is a reason why we continue to choose unhealthy people. Some say it's because we are trying to re-create our families of origin (FOO) so that we can finally get our needs from childhood met. IDK how to fix that about myself, other than to be completely self-sufficient and shut myself down emotionally, wall everyone else off from my heart. I keep searching for what is going to finally bring me peace and love in a romantic relationship, but I haven't found that yet. I just keep suffering and then re-inventing myself. Sometimes I don't feel like I have the strength to continue in this life, but I keep making my bed every morning, and doing my best day by day to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I come to SR for reminders, for perspective, for sharing with all of you who I am and what I think and then observing how people react to me so that I can figure out what in my mind and my thoughts aren't working in my relationships with others. I go to Al-Anon for support and to keep myself from isolating.

I hope you keep coming here and I hope you try Al-Anon. I hope we help you to be less angry. You know I think it's bad for us to be angry.

mfanch

This disease is a FAMILY disease. When I finally accepted that I had my part in it all, my life started to get better. I learned tools in Al-Anon that helped me take care of me and my children in a way that I never had before. I had so much anger...no....RAGE, that I wasn't sure that I would ever be happy. But Here I am. I practice happiness every day and work a strong program to keep it that way.

I hope that you try Al-Anon, too. It really helped me.