loudog430

"I want to be a normal drinker" to "I don't want to drink"

I think this is a wall we all must climb. I notice this with a lot of the first posters here, as well as myself when I first posted, and of course, the rest who have been sober for years, but at one time were not. When we first realize we have a problem, or have create a problem with drinking, we battle with ourselves, habits, emotions on how to become a "normal drinker" again. If "again" ever actually existed.

In reality, it isn't until we fully admit we never want to drink again, that the plan may have more success. It seems the former statement gives us the belief that we can control the alcoholism in us. In reality, this is untrue. We must seek abstinence at a 100% efficiency. Until then, we finally accept alcohol has 100% control, and there is no way we can allow in our system. Even after months of "normal drinking," however that may be defined, it will come back. And those of us that are deeply rooted in alcohol day by day, there is no turning back. It it truly all or nothing.

DisplacedGRITS

the idea of drinking again worms it's way into my head every now and again but the longer i'm sober, the more i realize i just don't need the d*mned stuff anymore. i honestly don't like what it does to me now. i'll never feel the way i used to feel when i drank. in my early drinking, i felt good. i drank and i was happy. but the longer i drank, those feelings left and i wasn't happy when i drank. eventually, i stopped associating drinking with being happy. drinking was drinking. it just was and it was misery. it was life. it was my addiction. now, i closely associate drinking with misery. drinking will never be fun again. there will always be guilt, shame and (most important) fear associated with it. i am afraid of drinking because i am afraid that i don't have another rebound in me. why risk what i have? drinking is not a necessary part of life. it's just an add on some people choose to have. it's no longer for me. because i choose not to drink, my life will be less complicated and that is the truth. i'll take it.

Etta

Yes, I am struggling with this right now.

Went to a friend's house on Friday after work and had a few beers. Nothing crazy.

I was anxious the whole night, though. I just felt kind of out of sync with everyone else that was there, like I often feel in a group.

So, I picked up a bottle of wine on the way home and went home, alone, and drank the whole thing. I woke up with a headache that lasted all day, and ended up wasting my whole day sitting on the couch feeling depressed and disgusted with myself.

I did not drink yesterday or today, and I feel so much better and happier today. My head is clear, and I don't feel depressed. I went food shopping, did some chores around the house, went to the book store to look around, bought my nephew a new toy for his birthday, and went for a long walk in the park.

I have to admit I do want to be a normal drinker. I don't know if I am an alcoholic or not. I just know that when I drink I usually end up drinking more than I planned, and regretting it.

MesoFreak

loudog and grits, just read both your threads and they are great. For now, I agree to disagree, and that is okay. If the world went without disagreements it would be boring. Who knows, maybe when I get to six months I will be like nah... but then I went to nine months before and I was like yah. The attitude stayed the same, and nothing changed, I am hoping the attitude will change and so I will change. In my life I am lucky to have more responsible drinkers than not, and I am one of the not.

Dee74

Every good intention I ever had was put at risk when I drank.
When I drink I change...I don't want to change anymore - I like sober me.

I can drink, or can be the man I want to be. There's no middle ground for me.

Accepting that was probably one of the most important decisions I ever made - maybe the most important, actually.

D

blueshades

I agree with the first part of what you have said, lou, that most of us who start this process pine for a state where we can "drink normally," whatever normal means. I have to part company with the notion that we are powerless against alcohol. I know that this is a central tenet in AA, along with the notion to submitting to a Higher Power. I do think you're right to point out that we need to come around to the understanding that we must not, we will not drink again in order to be successful in sobriety.

All of this is to say that I'm all for you sticking to whatever works for you. I see that AA works for some, AVRT or Rational Recovery for others. For now, my own readings and staying connected to the SR community is helping me get the job done. We all have as many paths to our new life as past lives that brought us to this place. I hope we can all find peace.

awuh1

Just have to comment on the term “powerless”, as used in AA. It's very misunderstood by those who have not regularly participated in the fellowship. In the sense in which it is used in AA it means “lacking sufficient power” to achieve the desired result. That result being to control and enjoy drinking. If someone can control and enjoy their drinking there’s really no problem.

justhadenough

Thanks for this post-it makes so much sense

hypochondriac

Thanks for posting this Loudog. I had long lost the notion that I could drink like a normal person when I finally found SR. But the years proceeding that I was convinced I could control it if only I sorted x, y or z out. Basically I was blaming my drinking on all my other problems, when in reality I should have been blaming all my other problems on my drinking!

The reason I couldn't quit before was because I had this thought that one day I would be able to control my drinking. I was hopeless at even cutting back. When I finally accepted that neither were possible for me, quitting and staying that way became a lot easier.

I like the quote (wherever it came from) 'If I could control my drinking I would have done it by now'. When I look back on my drinking history I cannot think of one time when I controlled my drinking through my choice alone. There were many times when I was out socially where I wasn't able to drink like I would have liked to, but I don't think that really counts as control, especially seeing as as soon as I was alone again I would be drinking like (my) normal.

The thoughts that I could control my drinking come back all the time though, I'm sure they always will. I think my tactic is to just ignore them. I have too much evidence to the contrary.

Jasmine1313

I think I have to get in the mindset that I did when I quit smoking several years ago. God, how I wished to be a smoker who could smoke 2 cigarettes a day. But I coudln't. I was up to 2 packs a day when I quit. I knew if I ever tried to "just have 2 cigarettes a day," I would be back to 2 packs a day in no time. For a long, long time I yearned for that. Now, I just dont think about it. It's really the same thing.