Plath

This is so hard for me... But I've been realizing more and more that my husband and I argue far too much, and are actually very verbally abusive towards each other in front of our very young song (he's 16 months, so this type of stuff is going to start affecting him on a very deep level, and probably has already done so to a degree).

My husband and I really love each other. And I mean really, sincerely love each other. There is definitely a lot of love in our home, and we both love our son with every bone in our bodies. But there's also a lot of really verbally abusive arguing in our home. I am at the point of caring more about how this affects my son than I care about whether or not we remain a "family unit". This is toxic for him, and I can't stand for him to see this type of hurtful verbal bashing going on in front of him any longer.

My husband has anger management problems. He is an ACoA who is in total denial about it. His childhood was really, really dysfunctional, but he blows it off. He is generally a warm, caring, loving, and fun person to be around, but there are stressors in his life that he's just not coping with at all.

I can't help him. He doesn't listen to me, even though I've tried to back off considerably from the nagging, criticizing, etc. It's not always easy for me, and I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm making real progress in my life. Because I don't want to expose my family or my son to the behaviors I've learned from my mother.

I've laid it out for my husband this evening, and told him point blank that the way that we argue has to stop as of NOW. I told him that I want him to seek help, either from anger management classes, or from therapy, or I will be finding a way to separate from him. He has refused, which I am not surprised by, but it seems like the only way that he would be able to make the changes necessary to provide our son with a healthy home.

So now...where on earth do I go?? I am primarily a stay at home mom with very little income, and my current field (social services) has become too dangerous for my liking, as I now have a little person to consider when placing myself in dangerous situations (I currently work at a women's shelter, and my past places of employment have included drug and alcohol treatment facilities, mental health facilities, etc.).

We wouldn't be able to afford daycare if I worked during the day, because I simply don't make enough money for that. And I'm also very leery of leaving my son with people I don't know. So my hours are basically very limited from the time that my husband gets off work, but allowing me at least enough sleep to care for my son during the day.

I have absolutely no idea how to do this. My husband has agreed to help me financially as much as he's able, but I don't know whether or not that would actually help much if I can't afford to pay my rent and buy food.

I don't really know exactly what I'm feeling about this right now... The fact that he would rather see our family torn apart than seek outside help is very upsetting to me, as we really are a very loving family...we just have some major problems that I'm no longer willing to subject my little boy to.

So...I'm at a loss. I'm pretty sure that I'm rambling a bit, and my blood sugar is probably low by now, so I'm a bit more confused than I would normally be... But I feel so "lost in the woods" with this situation.
By myself, I'm fine to take care of myself however I need to. I generally love what I do for a living, it wouldn't be hard for me to find a full-time job and get an apartment, etc., but I have a little person now who depends on me more than any of that would allow (it seems to me).

Any experience, strength, and hope would really be appreciated about now.
:help

bjames

What is "ACoA"? Sorry I'm still learning
In any event, I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you think giving him a little time to think about getting outside help would possibly work?
Oh and I love your Nietzsche quote.

NWGRITS

Seeing as your husband is in denial, I'm not sure how well the thought of counseling might go over. But, maybe he also recognizes there is a problem and isn't connecting it to his being an ACoA and would be willing to try...? I don't know. My ex and I had issues that neither of us was willing to admit, and we imploded. We get along better now as co-parents to our kids than we ever did when we were married. Time and distance changed a lot of things for us. Wish I could be of more help.

NWGRITS

ACoA is Adult Child of an Addict/Alcoholic. There's a sticky at the top of this forum for understanding our acronyms and such.

Plath

Thanks, both of you.

What she said about ACoA. I'm glad you appreciate the Nietzsche quote.

NWGRITS, I'm sure that you have a point about the denial factor. Even with counseling, if a person isn't really willing to dig in and figure out where the root of their issues are, it probably wouldn't do much good.

This is where bjames's Serenity Prayer comes in very well. I'm powerless to change his behaviors. Period.

My husband does recognize that he has a problem, and he is consistently apologetic and loving after we've had a blowout, but really...at this point an apology is insufficient for me, and for my son's well being.

I realize that he isn't coping with his stressful job, or the fact that he hates what he does for a living. And I really do realize that I'm often no picnic to be married to, but I also know that I'm way more reasonable than I used to be, and my way of going about life only improves as the days (and therapy sessions) go on.

I am just so at a loss with all of it. I can't stand to subject my son to my husband's freak out episodes, or our mutually dysfunctional way of having an "argument". That is no way to raise a child.

Ughh...

EveningRose

Sending you a pm.

tromboneliness

I'm not being facetious or smart-*** here... but what happens if you don't participate in the blowout? What happens if he yells and you don't yell back?

My wife and I were pretty much on the verge of splitting up, back when she was still drinking (and very ill). We weren't married at the time, so it wouldn't have involved any legal fees, which makes it easier... but I had gone so far as to surreptitiously start collecting cardboard boxes and stashing them in the basement, in case I needed to move my stuff out of the house in a hurry; which I expected would happen soon. (I had even pencilled in the idea of flying in a very even-tempered college friend who lived in another city -- not to help with the move, but just to stand around and serve as a calming influence on her while I loaded my stuff onto a truck.)

We used to fight on a daily basis... but then, I started going to Al-Anon, which led me to realize that I didn't have to respond when she baited me or yelled at me -- I could just stay calm, not choose to engage, and basically not fight. After a few months, it got to where the domestic situation was much calmer -- the only subject of dispute was the Al-Anon meetings I went to; otherwise known as "that cult where you go and talk about me."

I really am not trying to go all Program on you, and so forth -- from your discussion of what goes on, I realize it's a more complicated situation than I was dealing with. But... what happens if your husband flies off the handle and you don't? Does he keep yelling? What ends up happening?

T

EveningRose

Surprisingly, years ago, I found the staying calm and not yelling back very effective. Actually, in our case, I think I had long tried not yelling back, but I was advised to tell him calmly I wasn't going to be yelled at and walk away. I couldn't imagine that would work, but a few weeks of telling him several times and walking away--he actually did reduce his yelling by a lot, to the point I look back and can't believe I ever put up with so much of that treatment. I guess I thought nothing would change him and I was stuck in the marriage.

Plath

Thanks, Tromboneliness and EveningRose.

I've noticed that, as time goes on and I have more therapy under my belt, I actually don't yell back at him as often as I used to...but that doesn't really seem to stop him from somehow "clicking a switch" in his brain, so to speak. It's like once something gets triggered for him, he's just...off. Of course, I do still fall into it with him, but not as much as I used to. I like the suggestions you've offered here about just walking away.

I think it's really hard for him to accept that we're married and raising a son together...that it's not "every man for himself" when it comes to how we're raising him, or what we want to do in terms of what type of house to buy, etc.
He's accustomed to really just being able to do whatever he wants with his own life, and to each their own.
"For better or worse", we now have a family unit, and I think that taking someone else's thoughts into consideration, along with the stress he carries about being a provider and a good father, etc., is just too much for him right now. Those are my thoughts, anyway...

But back to the point... I think the best way for me to "react" when he starts freaking out is to say "I'm not going to be yelled at" and get out of the room as quickly as possible. That's not easy, because we live in a REALLY small apartment right now, so I can basically go into the bathroom and shut the door or something.
When I've done that in the past, it does seem to allow him to stop yelling (because there's no one to yell at).

The other issue here is that we're both repeating the dynamics we saw in our childhoods. In the past, I've harped on him repeatedly about things, criticized him indirectly, etc., and he has proceeded to "zone me out", ignore me, etc., which is a real trigger for me. So it would just get crazy. I would become more "persistent" (i.e. relentless), and then he would finally get really mad, and then you have a blowout.

I've been working on this, and I've noticed that instead of constantly looking for something to argue about, I really don't want to argue anymore. That's a good change for me. But there's a problem when one person is working to change, and making the changes, and the other person doesn't seem to be progressing...?

So we're still stuck in the rut of I bring something to his attention (please don't leave the ottoman next to the desk, because our son can climb onto it and then climb onto the desk, which isn't safe...or...please don't let him come into the bedroom and wreak havoc in here, he needs to understand some boundaries, and I don't want him to continue breaking every piece of jewelry that I own...etc.), and it's like he has me automatically tuned out, even if I'm saying something reasonable (well, reasonable to my way of thinking).

So after repeatedly asking him to do (what seem to me) some basic common sense things, in a non-confrontational way (I might not sugar coat it, but I'm more reasonable about the way that I ask...although there's probably still room for improvement), it does take a lot longer for me to become irritated, but eventually I do.

I've brought it to his attention that (we both know it, it's at least not a secret) because his mother screamed like a banshee over small things when he was a kid, he's learned how to drown out nagging, complaining, etc...and that, while I realize I have acted that way, I'm really working to change that behavior, and I would like it if he could try to take that into consideration and work on trying to tune into what I'm saying, rather than automatically tuning me out. This is hard, because if I'm saying something that he just doesn't want to hear or deal with, he often becomes immediately defensive and/or angry.
So far, that's only been so-so as far as progress goes, but he's more willing to acknowledge that I often have a valid reason for asking him to do some of these things (protecting our son, setting boundaries for him, etc.).

That leads into the "I don't want my son to grow up thinking that the way you treat women is to ignore them when they bring up something that you don't want to deal with", and "I don't want my son to see this dynamic between us and repeat it in his life, so let's change the way we're doing things, or..."

I really appreciate everyone's feedback, and I think I will work on simply saying "I'm not going to be yelled at", and going into another room (for now, while we're still in the same "house"). I'm not sure how to deal with the rest of it...except, as EveningRose has kindly suggested, to focus on myself and go from there.

(And when I say that I really appreciate everyone's feedback, I mean that. Please keep it coming, I'm really liking some of the suggestions here!)

Kialua

Sounds like you have really been growing and working on yourself. That is huge. I agree that if only one of you does the fighting it won't get very far. I understand you don't want your son to grow up seeing that but you can also set a good example for him. He won't like seeing you get yelled at, and he won't emulate it. We did a lot of fighting and yelling when my daughter was young, and she didn't like it. She didn't blame either one of us and instinctively knew it was just wrong no matter what. But, and here is the key, kids can't decide who is wrong if both sides are yelling. It's over their head. Unless he is physically dangerous I think what you are doing, or try to do, is the right thing. Dr. Phil says we teach people how to treat us by how we respond.

Kialua

The plight of the single mothers in our country is reaching epidemic proportions. They are largest section of poverty level today. If you don't have a career waiting for you or a home to go to, it's very hard to strike out on your own. If you are determined to have to separate, something I reserve for physical abuse, you have to start a plan now. Go back to school, get a degree, find housing and emotional support (though I don't mean another man), and make a plan. It may take 3 or 4 years but you will be glad you did it if and when you need to leave. My girlfriend did just that and it really worked out for her. She got an AA in business college, bought a tiny 600 square foot house and found an office job in a large company. Then she left her husband and raised her son. She even kept her son in private Christian school. She finally remarried last year after her son was out on his own and grown up.

NWGRITS

As a mother of two (and a half, one on the way!), I applaud your efforts to try to make sure your son doesn't absorb any of this as normal behavior. I'd still say "get out," but I know that's not always a feasible immediate option. I still feel guilt sometimes for keeping my kids in a home with an active A for as long as I did. Thankfully, I think they've grown into well-rounded kids with great self-esteem and a strong sense of individuality. Even despite my very flawed parenting. You'll figure this out on your own time. In the meantime, just keep following the advice here and keep posting! (((HUGS)))

Plath

Really sound advice, Kialua. Thank you. It's nice to know from both Kialua and NWGRITS that, although your children's early lives had a lot of arguing or other dysfunctional behavior around them, that they've turned out fine.

I do tend to agree, Kialua... I don't want to separate from him, and we had a reasonably good, long talk today while our son was napping. Our son has been sick for five days with a nasty flu, and is finally recuperating, so that's been a major added stressor.
My husband really flips out and goes into "insanely overprotective/hysterical" mode when our son is sick, which makes the situation REALLY ridiculous to try to deal with in a productive manner.

We talked, and I made a real effort to not force my way of thinking on him (because that never works, and usually just ends in an argument).

He recognizes that he has some major anger/rage issues that he has to deal with, which is good...provided he follows through with it and deals with it...whatever works is kind of fine at this point, as long as there is an effective way that we can remedy the problem.

I tend to think that his reactions are reactions to triggers that he hasn't addressed, or has avoided working through the feelings that created the triggers to begin with. I don't think that he likes to think about it that way, as he is really protective of his mother, and it seems like he interprets that as "blaming" her for something, or implying that she wasn't a good mother. So I said my piece, he didn't really want to see it that way, and I left it alone. I let him know that just because I see something one way doesn't mean that it has to become his personal truth, and that it's just the way that I think about things. That was a BIG deal for me to not try to push my way of thinking on him when it comes to how he "should" go about solving his problems.

We have both agreed that, as soon as he starts to even as much as raise his voice, I am immediately leaving the room. Period. He can figure out how he wants to calm down from that point, but I'm removing myself from the picture. I've done this a few times, and it has worked, so...practice, I guess.

We've also agreed (we'll see how this pans out) that when our son is sick, and he goes into panic control freak mode (kind of like a mother bear, really), that if I tell him "you're getting out of control, and you need to go into the bedroom and let me deal with this" he'll do so.
Not to "sound my own horn" or anything, but I have a lot of experience caring for people in medical settings (I've actually had to dress an abscess for a client, in addition to monitoring all of their medications, etc.), so I hope that he'll trust my ability to stay calm and make rational decisions when he's just not capable of being rational. We'll see.

So he's at least acknowledged that his reactions to certain situations were probably created throughout his childhood, and that those destructive behaviors have to be stopped; we've found some possible solutions for trying to ease the problem immediately, and some possible long-term solutions (he needs to work out regularly, which he hasn't done for quite a while, etc.).

It's a bit of something, although I'm not really inclined to think that the issues are really being dealt with...it's more like we're putting a band aid on them, but I guess if that's all he's ready to do for the time being, it's probably better than just letting it all fly every time he gets triggered.

We'll see how it all plays out, but there has been a little, tiny bit of progress made today, so I'm hoping it will work itself out in at least a reasonable enough fashion that our son is no longer subjected to bouts of yelling and verbal abuse.

He was grateful that I didn't try to shove my way of seeing things down his throat, and so was I. Progress is progress, even if it seems like it takes forever to get there.

Fingers crossed, I'm sure there's much more that could be addressed, but for now I'm going to leave him alone about it and allow him to mull it over and feel good about the decisions he's made...and hope that they stick.

Thanks again to all of you for your absolutely priceless advice and input here. I've really been at a loss about this for a while, but it just reached...a point for me yesterday.

tromboneliness

Another thought, that I'd forgotten to suggest.

Have you tried writing to your husband?

I mention this because I just wrote a letter to my wife the other day -- an actual letter, albeit without a salutation, just a couple of pages -- and gave it to her. "What's this?," she said. "It's a letter, from me -- read it!"

She went into another room, I went back to my desk... and in about two minutes, she emerged and said, "I've been thinking pretty much the same thing." This was in regard to some personal/business financial stress we've been under (we own a small retail business that is not yet turning a profit, so we have to pay a lot of the business expenses out of our own pockets; also, I'm out of work and have been for some time. That really stresses me out.)

The thing about writing is that:

1. You get to have your say without being interrupted, starting an argument, changing what you're saying or not saying it at all because of the way your spouse's face starts to wrinkle before you've even been able to spit it out, etc.

2. They can just sit there and read it, away from you, think it over, and formulate a response, without having to get all defensive, go into combat mode, feel that you're accusing them, etc.

For various reasons, my wife and I often have trouble discussing "important" personal and household issues. I think it's because we both come from alcoholic Families of Origin™ and as a result, we hate to hear "bad news," which was generally what came out of any sort of "discussion" at home.

So, over the 17 years we've been together, there have been several occasions when I've been stewing about something, to where I'm almost about to implode... and then I sit down and write her a note -- either an e-mail or actual paper (I highly recommend actual paper rather than e-mail, because e-mail is too impulsive)... and then find out that she's basically been on the same page with me the whole time!

I don't know if this would work for you... but it sure works for us!

T

Plath

Thanks, Tromboneliness.

You know, writing a letter or an email (or even a Facebook message or text) used to work pretty well for us, on occasion at least.

The thing that's different now, I think, is that my husband is just not coping with some of the outside stressors in his life--his job, our living situation (it's SO cramped in here, and we've been trying to buy a house since January, but they've mostly either been out of our comfort price range, totally in need of a major overhaul, like a new roof or something, or we've been outbid), raising a child, etc. So it's become a lot more difficult to communicate with him.

I've written to him very non-confrontationally about some of these issues, and he's kind of shrugged it off, and said "you're right, I'll work on it". But this is the first time that we've actually sat down, talked about it really seriously, and formed a "plan" of sorts to help avoid the horrible yelling and arguing (i.e. total verbal abuse on both our parts) in front of our son.

I don't know how he's going to cope with his anger (or lack of acceptance, to my way of thinking), but for now we do have a bit of an "emergency plan" to avoid escalation. I can't force him to meditate, or come to terms with our circumstances right now, so I suppose the best thing we can do is to just try to stop the argument before it starts.

He's been way more open to "hearing" me when I ask him to do something reasonably logical (like keeping the house safe for our son, setting boundaries for him, etc.), and I've noticed that he's really been actually making an effort to do some of the things I've had to ask him repeatedly to do.

I think one of the things that helped was that I asked him how he felt as a child when his parents (or his mom and her numerous husbands) would scream at each other and put each other down, and I think it kind of dawned on him that that's what we're doing to our son. It's hurtful behavior to a child, and my husband is at least coherent enough to realize that he doesn't want to subject our little boy to the type of emotional pain that we both felt when our parental figures would freak out and say horrible things about each other.

So...yes, sometimes writing works, but I think that the circumstances are really starting to make him a bit mental right now. As long as we can work together to minimize the yelling and verbal assaults, I'm hoping he'll get the rest sorted out for himself eventually...



Thanks again for your feedback, and for being here.

dbh

Dear Plath:

Thank you for sharing your story and bringing up this topic.

I too am married to an ACA who is not in recovery. Although I don't think he was affected by his childhood as much as I was.

When we first got together, I was definitely the more unstable one. I was insecure, jealous, didn't trust him, and was scared to death of committing myself to a healthy relationship. Prior to dating him, I focused on unavailable men that needed fixing. I was used to drama and heartbreak. My relationship with him was different.

While we were still dating I started seeing a therapist. I had hit a bottom and I just knew it was time to get help. I was in a lot of emotional pain at the time and the pain of not changing was greater than the pain of changing.

Therapy helped me so much. We were married a year or so later and then started our family. After some time, I noticed that I was mimicking behavior I remember in my mother. I was still getting in "moods" and would hide from everyone in my bedroom. I didn't want to be an emotionally distance parent to my children so I went back to therapy and started my 12-step recovery work. Participating in Al-Anon and ACA groups helped me get through some extremely trying times with my family of origin. It was a life saver for me.

Now, during this time my husband has been supportive but has expressed no interest whatsoever doing his own recovery work. I see ACA traits in him and early in my recovery I would point them out. When we got in arguments, I would often try to analyzed why I thought he was behaving or acting a certain way. He would get angry at me and asked me to stop.

Right now, our relationship is good but it has taken work and boundaries (we have been together for 17 years and married for 14 years). Prior to my recovery work, I would often get obsessed about certain people or situations. For example, I would have an argument with my mother and would have to analyze everything that was said. I would go over and over our conversation and get into a victim role. My husband placed a boundary saying that he could only listen to my obsessive tirade for 10 minutes.

With me, I don't analyze his ACA traits anymore. I figure there are still things that I can't figure out about myself so I shouldn't take on anymore "projects". However, it doesn't mean that I excuse behavior that hurts me. So, if we're in a situation where I feel like he is trying to control me or the outcome too much. Instead of saying, since you're co-dependent you have a need to control. I'll say, when you take over things it makes me feel like you don't trust the job that I'm going to do and I feel bad. I have to say that some of my most challenging "growth" has happened when trying to figure out how to work as a healthy couple with my husband.

There are still days where I wonder if we're going to outgrow each other. I wonder if we were attracted to each other because we were both ACA's. Will I end up changing so much that we'll no longer "fit"? Will his ACA traits get worse? Guess all this falls under things I cannot change.

Right now we love each other, we're creating a good (not perfect) family, and we respect each other enough to let each other grow/struggle with our own areas.

I keep getting interrupted by children and I feel like I'm rambling.

What I'm basically trying to say is that everyone is in charge of their own recovery and many people will see no reason to even work on their recovery. The only thing that I can do is work on me and make sure that I set boundaries where needed and stand up for myself when I'm being treated poorly. Only I can determine what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior for me. I have to say that my relationships with my mother, my sister, and my husband have improved greatly over the past 5 years simply because of the change in me.

I too don't think that any children should be brought up in an abusive home. My mom stayed with our alcoholic father for 15 years and our home life improved greatly when she left him. It wasn't perfect though because my mother never worked on her own recovery and she moved her daemons with her to our new apartment.

Sorry you are going through this right now. Congratulations on your own recovery and kudos for wanting to raise your child in a healthy and happy home.

Thanks for letting me share.

db

Plath

Thank you so much for sharing that, dbh. Your story sounds so similar to mine (except that you've been in your relationship for a lot longer than my husband and I)!

It feels hopeful to me knowing that someone else has been in a similar situation, but has been able to work through a lot of the same issues that my husband and I are working on (either together, or separately).
And yeah, I can obsess! My husband also can only take so much of it (I've improved considerably over the past five months with therapy, but it's not entirely diminished), so I'm really working on trying to just "feel my feelings" without necessarily talking through them with him, ha. I save it for my therapist if I can.

I was also the more unstable one when we met, and I've had the same thoughts about whether we might outgrow each other, and concerns about the basis of our attraction to each other...
I do feel fearful sometimes that, as I progress, my husband might not feel as though I'm someone he needs to "save", and the appeal will stop being there. But, like you said, that falls under the category of things I can't control. I can only hope that we progress together, and continue on that way.

Thankfully, we have some very deep connections if and when we choose to tap into them (love of nature, spirituality, photography, etc.), so I can hope that those things will keep us close if we both allow them to.

I can't force him to face and cope with his life stressors as they come up, but so far I think that we've managed to find a temporary solution...

Thanks so much again for sharing your E,S, and H. It's been really helpful, and I'm really grateful that I can learn from everyone's experiences on here.

Going to an Al-Anon meeting might not be such a bad idea, even though the only alcoholic in my life is my step-father, who I rarely interact with (and didn't realize that he was an alcoholic until I was in my twenties). But I'm thinking that it would be helpful for setting boundaries and coping with other people and my own triggers in a healthier way...

tromboneliness

Yes, going to an Al-Anon meeting would be a great idea -- it's not just about booze, it's about the dynamics of any personal interaction we have!

Some of what you're describing resembles my relationship with my wife -- at times, I worry that it's not entirely healthy, because maybe we're like two broken trees leaning against each other so they won't fall, instead of like two strong trees standing next to each other (the way a counselor once described it to me). When we first met, I think there was a bit of the "save" instinct or "pity & rescue" (as they say in ACA) in each of us. Now that we're many years into recovery (I started in Al-Anon in '95, she got sober in '96), we both have a tendency not to rock the boat, for fear of stirring up issues that might... be uncomfortable to deal with. I know I certainly do that, and I think my wife may do it at times, too. But that just makes us human, like everyone else.

The "can't force him to face and cope with his stressors" is the big thing that... I was going to say "you need to understand," but if I did that, I wouldn't be "keeping statements in the 'I' form," now would I? But it's important to recognize that we can't force anyone to do anything, even if any fool can plainly see it's something they need to do!

So we keep at it -- maybe every aspect of our marriage isn't 100% healthy, but few aspects of anything are 100% healthy; we're working on the parts that aren't. Or maybe we aren't working on some of them (as I suggest above). So be it. There are dark corners of my soul that I'd rather my wife not know too much about, and there are dark corners of hers that I'd just as soon be blissfully ignorant of, too....

T

Plath

Well put, Tromboneliness.

I guess I'll look into Al-Anon meetings...
It will be interesting to see how that works for me, since I didn't grow up in a household where alcohol was really a noticeable part of anything. It's presence (now that I look back on everything) was clearly there, but no one seemed to be very aware of it.

It really is refreshing to know that so many of you have experienced hard times within your relationships, but have been able to work through some of the tougher stuff, at least to the degree that it's more healthy than it is toxic.

Yeah, I don't think anyone anywhere has a "perfect marriage" or "perfect family", but there are varying degrees of healthy, it seems. I suppose the goal is to be as healthy as possible, but still be human, like you mentioned.

I always assume that people who claim to have had absolutely no issues during their childhood were either raised by saints or Buddhist monks, or they're simply in denial, ha. That may be a skewed way of seeing our society and human nature, but I tend to think that it's probably fairly close to home.

SLady

We managed to overcome so many issues in our marriage (different culture, age difference, illness, unemployment) but the one that managed to break me (I consider myself to be a strong woman) is my husband's ACOA trait - this need to 'save' others.

Like most ACOAs, my husband was attracted to emotionally unavailable women who needed rescuing. By emotionally unavailable, I meant, they were involved with other men at the same time. Unfortunately, one eloped with another man, fell pregnant, lied and tried to blame my husband. He met her daughter and it was pretty obvious she is not his but, guess what, he felt sorry for her and wanted to rescue her too!

By rescuing her, he has exposed us and our marriage to a 'manipulative, toxic' person. I was extremely hurt and angry that he would rather see our marriage torn apart than do the right, logical thing, which is to insist that she provides DNA to proof her claim.

At that time, we were constantly arguing about her. We both agreed that our marriage has reached the point of no return and it may be better if we just went our separate ways because all these arguments were making both of us ill.

We now have got over the worst by taking these steps:-

1) Cut all ties with anyone who is toxic. Make damn sure that no one else can influence our marriage.

2) Make a conscious effort not to start a fight. When he is angry, I do not retaliate, I just walk away. If he shuts himself in the bedroom, I leave him alone.
Only talk to one another when emotions are not running high.

4) Make a conscious effort to stop before the fight escalates or gets out of control.

5) Never bring up past issue (which has been resolved) into the argument. eg his past

6) Choose our battles and only fight over things that really matters.

Like your husband, I have this tendency to stonewall and completely ignore my husband. This drives him absolutely crazy. When I am very, very hurt and angry, I could easily lash out and say the most cruel things imaginable (I was mimicking my mother's behaviour towards my dad). That is why I tend to keep quiet or stonewall, to stop myself from becoming verbally abusive.
Like most men, he hated my 'moods', he feels he is walking on eggshells. By the time, I am ready to tell him how I feel, he has worked himself up to a point that he flew in a rage. Nowadays, whenever I feel like stonewalling, I gave him a hug instead.

(His alcoholic father used to be sullen and moody for hours when he could not buy anymore alcohol because he ran out of money)

The way I talk to him matters. If he feels I am criticising or blaming him, he becomes extremely defensive and will say something hurtful in return. If I talk to him nicely, he is much more responsive and actually listens to what I got to say.

My husband is an extremely good father to my daughter, but he is way too protective of her. When she was growing up, he will consistenly lecture her on the dangers of the world in order to protect her. He feels that if she is not streetwise, some harm will come to her or worse, she will make the same mistakes he has made in his life.