mamabearto3

Why do we have them? How do we enforce them? Do we share them with the A? Or are they for ourselves? What are some examples of your boundaries? What are the consequences, ARE there consequences?

Sorry I know lots of questions. I'm so very new to this. Just trying to figure this all out...

suki44883

Boundaries are for YOU. They are not rules for someone else to follow. Boundaries do not require the addict to do anything other than what they would normally do. Boundaries are like rules you make for yourself, by deciding what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Rules usually begin with "You will or you will not. Boundaries begin with I will or I will not. How you choose to follow through is up to you.

NWGRITS

My boundaries are:

1)AM will not be allowed to see her grandchildren (my kids) until she is one year sober. She doesn't even have one day under her belt, so it's gonna be a while.
2)I will not talk to her until she is working a program and in recovery. My children will not talk to her, either. I talked to her and stated my position and made my amends for my past, which was my 9th Step. I don't expect I will talk to her again unless/until she chooses sobriety and works a program.
3)Family members know I will not answer the phone unless there is a legitimate emergency (i.e. someone is dying). They can leave me a voicemail or text me, but don't expect me to answer the phone.
4)We will not accept gifts for the kids from AM. They know that Mimi is sick and cannot visit/call/etc. Period.

NYCDoglvr

Recovery means taking care of ourselves and not allowing other people to hurt us by being disrespectful. Here are a few examples of boundaries.....

1. Don't call me after 11 p.m. unless it's an emergency
2. Won't let anyone abusive into my life but will cut ties immediately.
3. It's ok to have a few drinks in my presence but won't allow anyone drunk or drinking alcoholically to be with me.

NWGRITS

I'm finding this is starting to be a boundary for me, as well. My tolerance of the inebriated has all but vanished. I've worked in hotels for 11 years, and this is a hard one just due to the nature of the industry. I try to be straightforward, no-nonsense, give them the information they need and nothing more. I want them out of my face as quickly as possible.

suki44883

Actually, #1 is a rule. You are telling someone not to call after a certain time. A boundary would be: I will not take any calls after 11:00pm.

Hypatia

I'm trying to think of an extremely simple example of a boundary which would work for almost everyone.

How about: if I am feeling tired and sleepy then I will go to bed.

Very simple, yet it means that if I am at a party or out for dinner or at a friend's house and it is getting late, or if we're at home watching a TV movie together and my AH wants to keep on going, then I excuse myself. I don't expect him to come with me. He can choose to stay up as long as he wants.

Or how about: if my designated driver has had a few drinks then I won't get in his car and will arrange alternate transport. The driver can choose to keep on drinking as much and as long as he wants.

I am in no way trying to control or tell the other person what to do. But I have decided ahead of time how I will respond to a specific situation. Most importantly, I carry out my decision and do what I have promised myself. Whether or not others know ahead of time how I will respond is not important. Through repetition they should soon know where my boundary lies in any case.

As always, actions speak louder than words. You don't have to tell anyone about your boundaries, but there comes a point where you show them through your actions. Otherwise they aren't boundaries.

mamabearto3

hank you. This helps clear thisbup a lot. I'm trying to figure mine out now.Q