MesoFreak

Eight days ago I was at a great party. The food was amazing and very traditionally made. The company was friendly and fun. If you wanted to get drunk that would be easy as they had huge buckets of beer on ice, two types of tequila. Well I got smashed after being instigated to drink, but those that instigated me just didn't realize I can't stop after a certain point. I don't blame them at all as I am an adult man, that should have man-up and said, I am good. But I didn't, and it nearly cost me my life.

A week ago I puked black liquid which I read I need to go to the ER for; I didn't I was hoping that it just went away and it did. My insides burned, and my stomach was tender; I thought it was my liver. My girlfriend of eleven years said that was going to be it. I totally understood, but I did ask her not to. I said I would stop. She said I have heard that before. I said this time for real, she said I heard that before. But this time it is for real. I let her know it wasn't because she was leaving me that I was quitting, I was doing it because I had thought about quitting for some time, and was given myself the opportunity to not binge drink, and I failed. The worst part is the last time, could have been my last time breathing also. It was because of me I was quitting. So she decided to stay.

I think she is considering letting me drink beer. She doesn't drink but she knows how I enjoy it. She keeps talking to me about the recipe Obama just let out of the White House, she wants me to make it. Oh I forgot to mention I homebrew beer; counter productive. I have a five gallon bucket filled with an imperial russian stout ready to be boiled. Yup, just needs bottling.

Despite what she says, because I do predict her saying you can have a beer, I am not going to have one. Not at least until I learn restraint and I am giving myself two year hiatus. I am doing this for me afterall. I nearly died. I am letting my body heal. I may not even want to have beer when the time comes. We will see when the time comes for now I am enjoying a sober Sunday thinking of grilling some chicken.

Veggiejojo

Congrats on a week,

x

MrsKing

Have you got yourself checked over since at all? I think it would probably be a good idea?

Congrats on a week.

Geralt

Alcoholism is a disease, not a matter of will. Due to the effects of tolerance and kindling, there is no way back to being a normal drinker.

Well done with 8 days, but I would see a doctor about your liver values!

edeneen

keep comin' and congratulations. I am a chronic relapser and today is one week sober for me too.

WantToHeal

Congrats on your week, MesoFreak! It's that big day for me too. Lots of good advice on this thread, but two points stood out: 1) consider seeing a doctor, and 2) consider the fact that if you're anything like me, you'll never be able to go back to drinking normally; I passed that point of no return some time ago.

Keep it up, brother!

lillyknitting

Tell me, how do you LEARN restraint!!!!???

Surely if we all knew that we wouldn't be here!!

Stop kidding yourself an chuck out the beer.

MesoFreak

I don't know, but if I find it I will let you know.

@everyone, thanks for the support. I am going long haul but making myself a resonable goal, and two years is just fine. I know there are varying degrees of alcoholism. Not sure which I am at, but as I have read we are not all the same. Some cannot have alcohol in there house, I have it with no problem. Some cannot go to parties with alcohol, I can go and have a great time without drinking. Some cannot stop once they start, 75% of the time I can stop once I start, it just depends on the mindset I have going in.

I am going to try an alternative means of recovery and see how that works. For example, there is a lot of music I like and drank to, I want to listen to them and make a disassociation; some may stay away from the music. I want to embrace everything that makes me want to drink. I want to sit there and suffer through those emotions, and rationalize them to be correct. I want to get to the point were I can disassociate partying and binge drinking; because that is the only time I ever get out of control. Two years seems like a long enough time for me, but too short to some of you.

I like to push my limits, even now I find me stop drinking as a challenge. I want to prove that I can. I used to do it all the time, every time I felt I was getting to attached with alcohol I would stop. Whenever I craved one, I never gave myself one. Its when I didn't want one, but felt I deserved it after accomplishing things that I used to drink. I stopped doing this, and want to regain my life and control over it. If I can't, guess what? I can always quit.

MesoFreak

I will get checked out when I start school, I will finally have medical insurance.

Pondlady

I'm a little worried for you.

MesoFreak

May I ask why?

sugarbear1

Me, too, Kim.

Best Wishes Meso.

Love & hugs,

MetalChick

When I started blacking out on vodka I switched to beer, of course I wasn't an alcoholic, I just couldn't handle hard alcohol.-ha.

For me avoiding the things that trigger drinking works out better, but that is me. You are one crazy MOFO-- lol, jk.

Good luck on the 2 year plan

NoFireWater

Meso, glad you'll be able to see a doctor, the puking up black liquid can't be a good thing.

Many people here, myself included, have tried the cutting back, tapering off plan and have been really unsuccessful at it. By your own calculations, you can't control it 25% of the time. That 25% is going to be the time where the bad stuff happens. You also said you can't stop after a certain point. This is what happens to most of us, so we understand. Your "I can always quit" makes it sound like you think it's easy to quit.

It sounds like you value your relationship with your girlfriend, who is ready to walk if you can't get it under control. Yet, she may "let you" have beer. That doesn't sound very supportive of your problem, and is giving you mixed messages.

Approaching it like a challenge has worked for me (so far) but the challenge for me was to not drink at all. Couldn't meet the challenge of just cutting back, as appealing as that plan was. Glad you're here, and taking the steps to regain control over your life

MesoFreak

Thanks for the input. My gf doesn't mind me drinking most of the time, its just those out of control times that happened one to many this year, and ever so often in past years. Most of the time I am good, and that 25% is what I am looking to control. Before I do that I am planning to stay away from it for two years so that I can reconfigure my brain (at least that is the hope, lol). I didn't say she was going to let me, as much as it seemed like she wouldn't mind if I can stay in control. If I can't, bam she can leave me its my fault, and I will quit drinking because I really can not control it. I know what you are saying because I did feel a bit confused, but I remembered its not about her its about me wanting to stop.

I am not trying to undermine that quitting drinking isn't hard because it freaking hard, but what I look at is that if I have done it before I could do it again. It will be hard again, but I can still do it.

I have done the cutting back, tapering, etc. never as serious as now and never for as long as two years. What I am hoping two years will be enough to accomplish is for me to reconfigure how I view alcohol and parties.

blueshades

I agree that it's a mixed message coming from your GF to first threaten to leave, then to act as though she will be receptive to your being "allowed" to drink. You need to be honest with yourself: no one grants you permission to drink, or to do anything else. We need to be careful about putting responsibility on the shoulders of others. That responsibility is ours and ours alone.

All of that said, I'm glad to read that you will have insurance soon and that you'll be able to see a doctor. Don't put it off!

MesoFreak

NoFireWater, thanks for the support and concern. Also anyone else that is concerned I appreciate it. At this moment however I feel if I say forever I will fail.

reggiewayne

She is considering letting you drink beer because she knows how you enjoy it....

What?

Please read your first two paragraphs again and let me know what part you enjoyed...

NoFireWater

Definitely get that Meso, I don't use the word "forever" either. It would make my hair stand on end lol

Looking forward to reading your ongoing journal about the two year plan. There's no formula, whatever works for you to help you regain control is great. We all wish anyone luck who is trying to stop-you have lots of company here!

MesoFreak

It wasn't the beer that did that as much as it was the cups of tequila on ice I was downing! I wish I had been drinking only beer, I probably could still drink and eat whatever I want. Now I have to be careful. But I get your point.