I just want to have fun

Old 09-02-2012, 10:58 AM
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I just want to have fun

I've been separated from my AW of 1.5 years for about a month now. Things went bad quickly in our marriage, but I had hoped to love her out if it. Haha. But the constant drinking, the cheating, and the lack of trust that comes along with that wore me out.

Now I am free! Working on getting the divorce, but it seems that will be as pain less as a divorce can be.

Right now though, I just want to have fun and live again. I'm not saying I want to be irresponsible. I know that I have codie, ACOA, and other issues I should be dealing with.

I need to go to alanon, I need to go to therapy. But the only thing I do is read and post here. And talk about my issues with friends.

Like I said I just want to have fun. I'm finding that I'm enjoying my free time, and being able to decide what, where and whom I want to do anything with. I should clarify that I'm not doing anything that would be considered risky behavior.

With of course one exception. I'm letting my self fall in love with a long time friend and coworker. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in a 1+ year LTR. She has been a great friend through my split with my wife, and even says that I am her best friend. I have helped her through her past break-ups too.

But I know that she has the same codie and ACOA issues I have. And she is still in a relationship. I don't want to be the one to cause a break-up. And I know that going into a relationship, fresh out of relationship, is a stupid ideas. It is not what I want to do. I'm more afraid that it is what I might do.

If I could just take a step back from our friendship, I would. And I try to just be work friends. And so far it is working. And I shouldn't worry about what ifs. I know I need to be single for a while.

Mostly I need advice on just wanting to have fun and not work on recovery. I know the rest will fall into place. About the friend that I am falling in love with, that was mostly me just confessing. I needed to get it out and here on SR is a safe place to do it.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:05 AM
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I should add that her relationship is on rocky ground. Like most of us here we seem to pick the wrong people. That fact adds to my fantasy of us being together.

I'm stating to see that even though I don't really like drama and the unknown. I am attracted to it. And that points back to the fact that I need to work on my self.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:28 AM
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You're not yet divorced, yet you are dating and falling in love with someone else? That should be a clue to you that you really need to work on you, otherwise you are just going to end up right back where you started.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:31 AM
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Android1-

Your post states that you want to have fun....but you don't go on to list what you are doing that is fun...except your one relationship that you discuss.

To me that is a lot of eggs in one basket, and would make it harder for me not to continue feelings for the person you discuss. With all my energy focused on that person it would be hard for me to find out me, and what I think is fun. Rather I would be so caught up in the other that I would continue the same patterns I created in my relationship with my AexH.

I had a long-distance crush after my relationship ended. He is married though, and eventually I had to come to terms with why I found him so attractive during that period in my life. In part it is because I am attracted to drama and energy and charm (all of which my hubby had in full...but the hiden underside of alcoholism was there too).

So I think my challenge to you is what are you doing or would like to do for fun that takes this person out of the equation?
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:40 AM
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I'm going to give you major points for coming here and posting that, first of all. You've made yourself accountable to us in addition to yourself by doing so. What are you doing for YOURSELF that's fun? What do you enjoy doing on your own? I like bowling and rollercoasters (the real ones at amusement parks, not the ACoA and codie types!) and playing cheesy board games. I like driving down the road with friends singing the wrong lyrics to songs we think we know at the tops of our lungs. What do YOU like to do? Make a list and post it here. Find friends (sober, non-codie) who like to do those same things and GO DO THEM. Whenever you feel the urge coming to do something stupid, post here or call someone who will tell you "Whoa, back the truck up. No!" In time, your desire for this "relationship" will fade. Been there, done that.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
You're not yet divorced, yet you are dating and falling in love with someone else? That should be a clue to you that you really need to work on you, otherwise you are just going to end up right back where you started.
I have to agree. You are putting a bandaid on a gaping wound.

Android, you and I are in very similar situations (except I am a woman with a cheating A husband) and the last thing I am thinking about right now is attraction to someone else.

In fact, I do have a male co-worker and we are best buddies at the office. He recently went through a breakup and we do have conversations about both of our situations, but there is nothing on this god's green earth that could make me attracted to him in that way. I think you are stuffing down your pain and trying to avoid actually feeling the pain and healing from it. By crushing on someone else, you deny yourself true healing. The pain really really sucks, but you have to go through it. In addition, this woman is in another relationship. As someone who has been cheated on yourself, could you be that insensitive to the feelings of someone else?

Concentrate on yourself, and what makes you happy inside, with yourself. Not on something outside yourself that gives you the semblance of happiness. Good for you for having the courage to post this and get some outside perspective. Something inside you wants to do the right thing and find happiness from within.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:56 AM
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L2L, at first I was like what right do you have to judge me. But wait, that was why I posted on here.

Fun for me is doing the things I like to do. Last night I went and had dinner with a few friends, spur of the moment. Before that I went for a nice drive in the county. Yesterday morning I helped the before mentioned friend move into her new house. That was probably not the best thing to do.

Today I'm just relaxing, I might go for a bike ride and do some shopping. Tomorrow I'm driving a friend to the airport. I have cleared my life of so many responsibilitys, even before I met my wife, I had 2 achers in the country to maintain, and 6 cats to take care of. An old car that required a lot of maintenance. All that is gone. I'm in an apartment, with no pets, no yard work, and I have one reliable car.

I'm enjoying all this free time I haven't had in years. With the wife, it was even more responsibility. Cleaning up her messes and taking care of her when she was sick. Trying to figure out how to
lease the unpleaseable.

I know I'm not divorced yet. I plan to be in the next month. I know that even then I'm not ready for a relationship. I know this is just a crush. I know that my wife has moved in her boyfriend, and that makes me sad. I want to love and be loved again.

The hard part of taking the crush out of the picture is that we have been friends for 10 years. And we have worked together for over 2. We work in a high stress environment, and that has brought us closer as friends. If it was 3 years ago, I wouldn't worry about anything happening, I would know that I could leave it at a crush.

But right now I'm venerable and if she breaks it off with her bf, she would be to. It may never come to that.

I need to make that appointment for counseling. I know I need to. I can see clearly what I should do, I just don't want to do it.
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:08 PM
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Why don't you want to make the appointment? Dig down deep inside, maybe freehand some words, or explanation on paper and try to figure it out. I have been recommending this book all over the place this weekend, but see if you can get Susan Anderson's A journey from Abandonment to Healing. It puts a lot of what we are all here going through into perspective. And teaches you how to heal from issues that might have been in your life before your marriage. It really is brilliant. It's also on Amazon Kindle, which you know has a free PC download version of Kindle. You can be reading within a matter of a minute or two,
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:12 PM
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Thank you to those of you who figuratively slapped me in the face. I am trying to bury the pain. I realized that when I read some of the replies and I just wanted to cry.

I think the hardest part with the Crush is that I have had a crush on her for many years. But we were never close until we started working together about the same time I met my wife.

I am shocked that I would even think about putting my self in the position of being the other person. But I have almost let my self do that in the past.

Owathu, I am going to do what I enjoy, today I'm going to go shopping and maybe go for another drive. Maybe even go NC with my codie friends. That might be all of them. I need to step back and look at my life. It seems like an open road, but the choices I make now can have lasting effects.
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:16 PM
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Dear Android, you have been given excellent advice, here. I say, PLEASE, please, please, take all of it to heart.

If you don't, I fear that both you and your "friend" will be heading straight for Heartbreak Hill. As owathu pointed out, you have been cheated on, yourself. If she will cheat with you---she will cheat on you if the conditions are right. And, vice-versa for you, too!

Both of you need a couple of years (at least) of focused work on self awareness and growth. You can have more fun than you have ever had while working on yourself. Just do not commit yourself to another until you have become a whole, mature person, It isn't fair!!

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Old 09-02-2012, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by owathu View Post
Why don't you want to make the appointment? Dig down deep inside, maybe freehand some words, or explanation on paper and try to figure it out. I have been recommending this book all over the place this weekend, but see if you can get Susan Anderson's A journey from Abandonment to Healing. It puts a lot of what we are all here going through into perspective. And teaches you how to heal from issues that might have been in your life before your marriage. It really is brilliant. It's also on Amazon Kindle, which you know has a free PC download version of Kindle. You can be reading within a matter of a minute or two,
I just downloaded the book, I think the reason I have such a hard time making the appointment is because I'm afraid of change. I have always pushed any pain in my life down in to a deep part of me, and locked it up. I'm afraid of pain. I have my way of dealing with it, and while I know it isn't good, I'm afraid of the unknown.

If I have the strength to leave my AW, I must have the strength for that, right?
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:26 PM
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Not judging you, Android. Your values are YOUR values and I live and let live. I'm just pointing out that you are moving quickly from one relationship to another, which is exactly what I did before I got into recovery myself. It's not healthy.

Examine your values. What do YOU feel about your marriage vows? Do not look at anyone else's behavior; look only at your own. You see, when our decisions and behaviors go in direct opposition to our values, we hurt ourselves. We may be oblivious to what we are doing, or we may feel that our behavior is justified because someone else is doing the same thing, or we may feel we "deserve" what we want. But if we are not conscious of our own values and what we are doing, even if we NEED to have fun very badly, we degrade ourselves to ourselves, and that hurts our own self-esteem. Honor yourself, honor your values, your commitments, and protect your own integrity.
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:29 PM
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Yes!!!!!

You have the strength, now you just need to find the focus.

BothSidesNow
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:44 PM
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It was my husband's affair that FINALLY got me dealing with the problem drinking in my marriage. I had not been willing to look at it prior, honestly because it was big and scary, and it would make me look at my "emotional" dependent behaviors (I recently read this somewhere and it fits for me more than co-dependent right now).

He had an affair (and has since married) a woman who I considered a good friend. She also had some problem drinking behaviors while I knew her.

Her ex-husband started dating four months after they split. He actually told me "Don't worry, you will find someone to date and it will all be okay then."

It has been just over two years, and I am still not ready to date (though the thought is not repulsive any longer).

This was a really hard time for me. What was wrong with me that I was the only one in this "mess" that was not dating? Why could they not see that what had occurred was really hard and painful, and even if the relief of dating took it away temporarily, it would come back to haunt us? Was it not being in a relationship that had gotten us all into this mess in the first place?

This is going to sound bizarre but I had to sing "One of these things is not like the other." from Sesame Street....for some time all day, every day.

It was really, really hard to trust that what I was doing was healthy, not reactive and was giving myself a chance to heal.

The follow quote helped me to hold onto this too:
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I love Susan Anderson's book and had a lot of other ones that helped me heal from the impact of alcoholism and also an affair.
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Old 09-02-2012, 02:06 PM
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Originally Posted by android1 View Post
I just downloaded the book, I think the reason I have such a hard time making the appointment is because I'm afraid of change. I have always pushed any pain in my life down in to a deep part of me, and locked it up. I'm afraid of pain. I have my way of dealing with it, and while I know it isn't good, I'm afraid of the unknown.

If I have the strength to leave my AW, I must have the strength for that, right?

Your greatest fear is probably also your greatest teacher. What you want to push down and pretend doesn't exist in your sphere will keep coming back up into your world until you actually take the time to deal with it. Pain sucks. I hate it. But, remember, it is also a healer.

Think about it, if we all walked around all day with no emotions whatsoever, how would we know what true happiness was? How would we know happiness or joy if we didn't know pain as well? It's a part of life, and it sucks ass when it comes into your world. But, there it is, wanting you to acknowledge all the pain you've been stuffing down inside, hoping to avoid it. And every time it comes back, it comes back with a harder knock on the door.

Kind of like a collection agent. At first, your bill might be small and not a big deal to worry about. Years later, that bill has grown over 1000% and now the collector is showing up at your house and knocking loudly on your door. At one point, you have to just pay the bill off, regardless of how hard it is, and what it puts you through. And once it's paid, it's PAID.

You will still have disappointments and pain in the future, but, you will know that you paid your earlier pain debt, and this new pain wont be so expensive to pay off. Which means it wont last as long or be so debilitating.
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Old 09-02-2012, 03:08 PM
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I went for a drive out of cell phone and internet coverage. I sat down by a stream, oddly enough a place a took my AW on our first date. I sat down and read the first 2 chapters in the book A journey from abandonment to healing. And had some deep conversation with my self.

I feel better. I know my values and I know what is right. I know that nurturing The Crush in my head is only going to lead to pain. I know the reason for The Crush is the need to be loved, to feel loved. I know that nothing good can come of it. And most important, I am broken, and I need to do what ever it takes to heal my wounds.

I appreciate all of the advice here. I have been playing in my mind with thoughts of The Crush. I have been rationalizing it. I have not spoken about it to friends, only because of my pride holding to my values. When all along I have been toying with the idea of giving them up for self pleasure.
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Old 09-02-2012, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by android1 View Post
I went for a drive out of cell phone and internet coverage. I sat down by a stream, oddly enough a place a took my AW on our first date. I sat down and read the first 2 chapters in the book A journey from abandonment to healing. And had some deep conversation with my self.

I feel better. I know my values and I know what is right. I know that nurturing The Crush in my head is only going to lead to pain. I know the reason for The Crush is the need to be loved, to feel loved. I know that nothing good can come of it. And most important, I am broken, and I need to do what ever it takes to heal my wounds.

I appreciate all of the advice here. I have been playing in my mind with thoughts of The Crush. I have been rationalizing it. I have not spoken about it to friends, only because of my pride holding to my values. When all along I have been toying with the idea of giving them up for self pleasure.
Good for you. Think about it, something shallow for now? Or work through your stuff and something you cannot even have imagined, something that makes you feel like you're "home", it's worth it.

If this woman is it, she needs to work on her own stuff for now, so, irregardless, both of you have crap to work out. Let her find her own way, you find yours, and maybe, if you are both healthy, you might not like each other all that much anyways? :op...Or, you might find out, you two were on a path separate but, you both reached the same destination. You don't know..so, don't make something happen that might or might not happen.
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Old 09-02-2012, 10:44 PM
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My mom says I should move out of this town. It is too small. But I love it here and gave lived here my whole life and have a wonderful job.

Here is why she said it. The friends I had dinner with are the sister and mother of the other man. Both of them have been my friend since I was a teen. And the sister has been one of my best friends my whole life. She introduced me to my AW. She wasn't trying to set us up, that was all our doing.

Another reason that only you on here know now is, my Crushes bf was just at my house and said he will come over more often now that we live so close.

That along with the slap I got from some of you earlier has really put this into perspective. What I was thinking was completely wrong. Like I said on my first post "I'm letting my self fall in love..." Well I need to put a stop to that right now!

It is unhealthy for me and possible destructive for the others involved. What ever the future hold, only time will tell. But my need to feel love, my sense of feeling unloved. That is something I need to figure out on my own, with the help of all of you and my future therapist.

Oh and no, I'm not moving....
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:03 PM
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I've posted this before and you may have seen it somewhere in a story from one of the best therapy sessions I ever had, but I'm going to tweak it for you:

You are NOT broken. You feel broken, in despair, and rightfully so. But you are NOT broken. What things come to mind when you think of the word "broken?" Write them down if you need to and then look at that list. Is that really what you are? I highly doubt it. To me, you are good person who has been hurt badly. You trusted and that trust was crushed to bits. You aren't any less of a person because of this. You know that you can get to a better place, to feel better, happy, whole. You are NOT broken, my friend. You are already on the road to recovery and a life of happiness that you deserve. (((HUGS)))
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:23 PM
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Thanks NWGRITS. I don't feel broken as a whole. I feel like parts of me are broken. I have hope, even if as in this thread, some of the hope is misplaced. I don't feel despair. Well deep down I probably do. I feel like I can't trust my emotions, I feel like I am thinking clearly, but with the choices I have made in the past, I am not very trusting of my self.

I feel I am on the road to recovery. I know I will be whole and unbroken again. I know I will trust my self again. I just wish (and sometimes think and pretend) that I am "recovered".
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