My boyfriend drank a 12-pack in 6 hours...

Old 09-02-2012, 09:06 AM
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My boyfriend drank a 12-pack in 6 hours...

...last night. Today we are starting a diet and exercise plan that includes no alcohol (I'm already not drinking). He said he wants to drink all the beer before we start.

He had been doing a lot better... Still drinking but not to the point of falling down or being completely out of it, for months. I hope he can really go the next month without drinking.

Lately he drinks almost every day, but some days it's two beers while others it's multiple mixed drinks with his brothers etc. I try really hard to not focus on him and just live my own life. But I start to wonder, will he drink every night when we have a kid? Is that healthy??

When he smokes pot he doesn't drink, or doesn't drink much. I actually prefer that because I don't have to worry about him getting blotto. If we had a kid I would worry about the kid being around pot (or alcohol) too much. When he doesn't drink for a couple days he gets intensely overly emotional/weepy with anxiety. I am also worried about any potential legal issues with the pot but our state doesnt go after/care too much about recreational user and he says he has had a medical marijuana card in the past and can get another.

For background purposes, I was sober for over six months, then I found out I was pregnant and then I had a miscarriage. I started drinking again out of intense sadness. I drank for a month and a half and have now been sober again for 3 weeks. I was not intentionally trying to get pregnant, in fact I was on the Pill. But when I was pregnant I surprised myself by being really excited and really wanting a baby. So now I just keep thinking of all of his in terms of, will he still do this of we have a baby, and will it be good for the baby?? He says he would not drink as much but I think I would be naive to believe that. On the other hand he has really grown up a lot an decreased his drinking since we have been together and I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I am really confused and I guess I'm just writing out my thoughts. It's scary to me that he drank 12 beers in one night when we were just at home watching movies.
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:14 AM
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Pigtails, congrats on your sobriety and good luck to you. I am sorry about your miscarriage.I think because you are going thru the struggle yourself, you know that you cannot make your boyfriend stop drinking, nobody can, he has to want it for himself. It's very possible he could drink every night once you have a child, so you would have to decide if that is behavior you could live with. Keep posting and venting here, it helps!
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Old 09-02-2012, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by bonami View Post
Pigtails, congrats on your sobriety and good luck to you. I am sorry about your miscarriage.I think because you are going thru the struggle yourself, you know that you cannot make your boyfriend stop drinking, nobody can, he has to want it for himself. It's very possible he could drink every night once you have a child, so you would have to decide if that is behavior you could live with. Keep posting and venting here, it helps!
Thank you.

I guess I do know these things but need to be reminded.
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Old 09-02-2012, 10:13 AM
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I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

As for your boyfriend, pay attention to what he does, not what he says.
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Old 09-02-2012, 12:20 PM
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I think in most case reguardless of the circumstances you get the best behavior up front! Glad you are sober and doing well! Take care of yourself and worry about yourself. I don't think anyone wants to be an active A but the fact remains that few find the strength to change things. I wish that were different! It's a horrible sad thing but never assume someone will change! Good luck to you; sounds like you are on the right path!
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:31 PM
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Pigtails-

I am glad that you are back with us, but sorry for the struggles you experience in the last few months.

May I gentlely ask what has changed with your boyfriends since the last time you posted on this side? You seem kind of surprised by his behavior, but if I remember correctly you had some similiar concerns previously.
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Old 09-02-2012, 04:32 PM
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Hi Pigtails,
I know you are struggling with not drinking and it's too bad that your boyfriend's behavior is so worrisome. Unfortunately none of us can tell you what he might do in the future. I think you have to ask yourself if you can deal with this behavior if it keeps occurring for the rest of your life.

My relationship with my axbf hit the skids when he lost his job and began drinking more heavily and smoking. I feel very sorry for him but the behavior was in complete violation of previous agreements we had made towards each other in the relationship. I am still hurting over it two months later but I couldn't handle him anymore. I know in my heart that I don't want to be attached to someone who is an alcoholic. His drinking was worse than I imagined because I found hidden bottles, he was drinking at home alone and going out to bars all day in complete violation of my feelings.

I hope the two of you can work things out but you need to be true to yourself as well.
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Old 09-02-2012, 11:24 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
Pigtails-

I am glad that you are back with us, but sorry for the struggles you experience in the last few months.

May I gentlely ask what has changed with your boyfriends since the last time you posted on this side? You seem kind of surprised by his behavior, but if I remember correctly you had some similiar concerns previously.
I don't know. I guess it's confusing because he goes through stints where he doesn't drink much/it doesn't seem like a problem, and then stints where he does drink a lot/it is obviously a problem. I mean I thought it was under control there for awhile, but then the 12-pack in one sitting. :-/
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Old 09-03-2012, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
I don't know. I guess it's confusing because he goes through stints where he doesn't drink much/it doesn't seem like a problem, and then stints where he does drink a lot/it is obviously a problem. I mean I thought it was under control there for awhile, but then the 12-pack in one sitting. :-/
My ex was like this (he binge drank). Most of the time it was okay, except when it was not.

I lived in fear of the drinking the whole time though, when it was only a couple or when it was a six pack. That I think is what I meant.
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Old 09-03-2012, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
...will he drink every night when we have a kid? Is that healthy??...will he still do this of we have a baby, and will it be good for the baby?? He says he would not drink as much but I think I would be naive to believe that.
Whoahhhh, slow down! Are you engaged, has he proposed? I don't have kids, and the first few years of marriage was plenty for me. I can see why so many marriages end up in divorce when people have kids without even giving their marriage a chance.

Also, not to sound all Dr. Phil on you, but the best predictor of future behavior is the past. My husband was a SLOB when we dated, and um, that hasn't really changed much. He was always trying to help though, and that hasn't changed either.

I've had my fair share of stints with kids, and no, I don't think hanging out downing beers will be good for your baby, or you, or your relationship - when the kid is sick, tired, cranky, not sleeping, throwing up, and wanting attention for every second they are awake.
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Old 09-03-2012, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery View Post
My ex was like this (he binge drank). Most of the time it was okay, except when it was not.

I lived in fear of the drinking the whole time though, when it was only a couple or when it was a six pack. That I think is what I meant.
Yeah, I think that is what happens, I get really afraid of him reverting back to the times when he would be such a sloppy drunk. I guess I make excuses for him and think, he's never hit me, he's never been mean or disappeared on me etc. But at one point he would drink way too much, to the point of falling down or needing me to prop him up and help him walk etc. I do not want to have to take care of a sloppy drunk like that. To his credit, a lot of that happened when I drank a lot, too (and was part of what made me change-- I saw that I didn't want our lives to be like that!), and then it continued when I got sober but I told him, I do not want to be around him when he's like that. Given the choice of going out and drinking and/or getting crazy drunk, and being with me, he chooses me, so most of the time things are fine. Even when he has too many now, he doesn't get like that. But I have this nagging fear that eventually he will revert back to that and so when he does something outrageous, like the 12-pack in one night, I start freaking out (inwardly... I try not to say anything to him because I don't want to nag, make things worse etc... I try to just stay focused on myself. I did mention that it's not good for his health and he agreed.)

I think another problem with his drinking is that it's really held him back in life... he has a lot of self-esteem issues and feels like a failure and has not lived up to his potential at all, but it's a continuing cycle b/c he'll feel bad and drink, and drink and feel bad, etc., and, while he has made great strides since we have been together, I feel he will never know his true potential unless he stop drinking/smoking pot. But he thinks that smoking pot helps his anxiety and ADD, and that he "self-medicates" with alcohol and that otherwise he wouldn't be able to deal with his own head. Anyway I guess I'm just rambling now. :-/
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Old 09-03-2012, 04:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Lost3000 View Post
Whoahhhh, slow down! Are you engaged, has he proposed? I don't have kids, and the first few years of marriage was plenty for me. I can see why so many marriages end up in divorce when people have kids without even giving their marriage a chance.

Also, not to sound all Dr. Phil on you, but the best predictor of future behavior is the past. My husband was a SLOB when we dated, and um, that hasn't really changed much. He was always trying to help though, and that hasn't changed either.

I've had my fair share of stints with kids, and no, I don't think hanging out downing beers will be good for your baby, or you, or your relationship - when the kid is sick, tired, cranky, not sleeping, throwing up, and wanting attention for every second they are awake.
We are not engaged, we live together and he brings up marriage but (this is horrible) I try to downplay that or change the subject, NOT because I'm not in love with him but because I want to see how things go and how bad his drinking gets, or how much better etc. I guess I want to find out if his drinking is going to get crazy again before I commit to marrying him. But that is probably unrealistic. We were pregnant but had a miscarriage and now I just think a lot about how I'd like to have a child. I get really sad thinking about it. I think he would make a good dad except for his drinking/smoking pot. I guess that is a big "except."
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Old 09-03-2012, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
I think another problem with his drinking is that it's really held him back in life... he has a lot of self-esteem issues and feels like a failure and has not lived up to his potential at all, but it's a continuing cycle b/c he'll feel bad and drink, and drink and feel bad, etc., and, while he has made great strides since we have been together, I feel he will never know his true potential unless he stop drinking/smoking pot. But he thinks that smoking pot helps his anxiety and ADD, and that he "self-medicates" with alcohol and that otherwise he wouldn't be able to deal with his own head. Anyway I guess I'm just rambling now. :-/
Learn2Live has been posting some great stuff recently by a guy named Dr. George Simon.

One of the pieces I am really picking up from those posts is how I have to start just looking at the behavior, not the reasons behind it. My exAH had just gotten diagnosed with ADD (at 40) and it made a huge difference in his life, he was adopted, he was experiencing grief from loosing his dad.

I am in recovery for my own eating disorder. I spent a lot of my relationship with my ex saying "yeah but I would have used food over that."

It kept me in denial about how bad my loved ones behavior was (the violence with drinking, the crudeness, the driving while intoxicated). I thought his problems gave him an out for his behavior....but half the time he could not even remember when they happened.

My exAH had the same opportunities for recovery that I did. It is still hard for me to understand sometimes that he did not choose them, when my life is so much better because I did.
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
I think another problem with his drinking is that it's really held him back in life... he has a lot of self-esteem issues and feels like a failure and has not lived up to his potential at all, but it's a continuing cycle b/c he'll feel bad and drink, and drink and feel bad, etc., and, while he has made great strides since we have been together, I feel he will never know his true potential unless he stop drinking/smoking pot. But he thinks that smoking pot helps his anxiety and ADD, and that he "self-medicates" with alcohol and that otherwise he wouldn't be able to deal with his own head. Anyway I guess I'm just rambling now. :-/
Has he actually been diagnosed as ADD, or does he just claim to be ADD?
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:17 PM
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With my xah the drinking changed but it was still progressive. It wasn't less destructive, just different.

When I first met him he drank frequently but also got very very drunk. Over time that pattern changed and he got very very drunk much less often but he drank every day. Sometimes that would ease up a bit to just a couple a day (like after one of our children were born) but he's an alcoholic so he always slid back down that hill - a little bit further each time. He'd drink daily with occasional weekends away with is brothers that I didn't witness but I'm sure were binges. The amount he drank each day slowly increased.

That was over a period of years and the other parts you mention also progressed for the worse. Alcohol holding him back, not being fully committed to you or future children, financial troubles, in my case parenting partners etc. Alcoholism negatively impacts all
those things and it is also progressive - even if the habits surrounding the actual drinking ebb/flow/change over time.

he brings up marriage but (this is horrible) I try to downplay that or change the subject, NOT because I'm not in love with him but because I want to see how things go and how bad his drinking gets, or how much better etc.
That is not horrible at all. That is you looking out for you (and no one else can) and a very good thing. You have a little voice inside you that is whispering to you to be careful. To make choices that are in your best interest. Listen closely.
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Old 09-04-2012, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Has he actually been diagnosed as ADD, or does he just claim to be ADD?
He has been diagnosed with ADD, rather recently.

For the first 9 months or so of our relationship he would tell me he has ADD (and I knew he did-- it was quite obvious, along with anxiety issues) so I told him to go seek help for it. Since then he has been diagnosed with it, given medication for it under an NP's care, and is also in counseling/therapy.

He has actually made great strides including with the amount/frequency of his drinking and now it is just mainly an annoyance-- like every event has to include alcohol and he always wants to stop and buy some beer on the way home or whatever-- I start to wish we could just hang out sober, but he does not get super drunk like he used to. But I just get worried that it will go back to how it was.
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Old 09-04-2012, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
With my xah the drinking changed but it was still progressive. It wasn't less destructive, just different.

When I first met him he drank frequently but also got very very drunk. Over time that pattern changed and he got very very drunk much less often but he drank every day. Sometimes that would ease up a bit to just a couple a day (like after one of our children were born) but he's an alcoholic so he always slid back down that hill - a little bit further each time. He'd drink daily with occasional weekends away with is brothers that I didn't witness but I'm sure were binges. The amount he drank each day slowly increased.

That was over a period of years and the other parts you mention also progressed for the worse. Alcohol holding him back, not being fully committed to you or future children, financial troubles, in my case parenting partners etc. Alcoholism negatively impacts all
those things and it is also progressive - even if the habits surrounding the actual drinking ebb/flow/change over time.



That is not horrible at all. That is you looking out for you (and no one else can) and a very good thing. You have a little voice inside you that is whispering to you to be careful. To make choices that are in your best interest. Listen closely.
Thank you Thumper. Your ex sounds alarmingly similar to my boyfriend. :-/ That is exactly what happened-- he doesn't get very, very drunk nearly as often as he used to, but he does drink every day, or nearly every day, and sometimes he drinks more than other times. He usually watches the amount that he drinks around me but when there is any "occasion" to binge, he does-- for instance, while on family vacation with my family, he enjoyed drinking large amounts with my father, and he thought it was okay since my father likes to drink a lot too, but I was rather embarrassed that he was so frequently imbibing, and I don't think it's okay that he OR my father drinks that much!

To be honest whenever I was drinking and we would drink together, he would use that as an excuse to go way overboard and it is likely a big reason why I stopped drinking. (I am grateful that it opened my eyes up to it and helped me to stop. I had already wanted to stop drinking/drinking so much before I met him, but then when I focused on the goals that I had for myself I realized I should just stop drinking, and in large part that was fueled by seeing how much HE drank when we were drinking together.)

Right now he has not been drinking for a couple days because we are on a diet and work out plan, it has been great and I wish it could stay like that forever. But I am not naive enough to think that will happen-- he himself likes to brag about times he's gone for a month or more without drinking, when he has been working on physical fitness goals/athletics. And he still smokes pot which in my opinion is just as bad for him mentally/emotionally as the alcohol (although better physically).
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:33 AM
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For the love of God...

...please don't bring another baby into this.

If you want to know why, read any thread here that discusses children. My daughter, now 17, is on her last chance at a residential school. Her issues related to her mother's drinking and my controlling nature, and both of us being unrealistic about what it takes to truly be a good parent, were a recipe for disaster.

We had no business raising a child--none. And I was sober the whole time.

The list of crap my suicidal daughter has gone through because of the same type of environment you and your guy would provide is tragic and sad.

Please, please, please love this un-conceived child enough TO NOT CONCIEVE IT. Maybe, through counseling, AA, and Alanon you can become a person who will be a good mother. People do it all the time. But, right now, do you truly believe that's who you are now? And, even more important, in what world would your guy be a good father? Babies make these situations worse, not better. It's only on TV, in the movies, and in books that children "save" relationships.

I'm sorry.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
...last night. Today we are starting a diet and exercise plan that includes no alcohol (I'm already not drinking). He said he wants to drink all the beer before we start.

He had been doing a lot better... Still drinking but not to the point of falling down or being completely out of it, for months. I hope he can really go the next month without drinking.

Lately he drinks almost every day, but some days it's two beers while others it's multiple mixed drinks with his brothers etc. I try really hard to not focus on him and just live my own life. But I start to wonder, will he drink every night when we have a kid? Is that healthy??

When he smokes pot he doesn't drink, or doesn't drink much. I actually prefer that because I don't have to worry about him getting blotto. If we had a kid I would worry about the kid being around pot (or alcohol) too much. When he doesn't drink for a couple days he gets intensely overly emotional/weepy with anxiety. I am also worried about any potential legal issues with the pot but our state doesnt go after/care too much about recreational user and he says he has had a medical marijuana card in the past and can get another.

For background purposes, I was sober for over six months, then I found out I was pregnant and then I had a miscarriage. I started drinking again out of intense sadness. I drank for a month and a half and have now been sober again for 3 weeks. I was not intentionally trying to get pregnant, in fact I was on the Pill. But when I was pregnant I surprised myself by being really excited and really wanting a baby. So now I just keep thinking of all of his in terms of, will he still do this of we have a baby, and will it be good for the baby?? He says he would not drink as much but I think I would be naive to believe that. On the other hand he has really grown up a lot an decreased his drinking since we have been together and I know he loves me and wants to be with me. I am really confused and I guess I'm just writing out my thoughts. It's scary to me that he drank 12 beers in one night when we were just at home watching movies.
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Old 09-04-2012, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Pigtails View Post
He has been diagnosed with ADD, rather recently.

For the first 9 months or so of our relationship he would tell me he has ADD (and I knew he did-- it was quite obvious, along with anxiety issues) so I told him to go seek help for it. Since then he has been diagnosed with it, given medication for it under an NP's care, and is also in counseling/therapy.

He has actually made great strides including with the amount/frequency of his drinking and now it is just mainly an annoyance-- like every event has to include alcohol and he always wants to stop and buy some beer on the way home or whatever-- I start to wish we could just hang out sober, but he does not get super drunk like he used to. But I just get worried that it will go back to how it was.
Oh okay. I have ADD too and can definitely relate to the not knowing what to do with your own head thing. He shouldn't be drinking if he's on medication because the alcohol makes it not work right. That's pretty much why I don't drink. Living with ADD seems almost like being a recovering alcoholic in that it's a lifestyle you have to work at. I hope your boyfriend stops drinking so that he can develop a sense of self. Being diagnosed with ADD as an adult was, for me anyway, kind of like being reborn but with a huge reality slap on the side.
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Old 09-04-2012, 12:40 PM
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Cyranoak--

I don't think that just because I have had issues and struggles means that I won't be a good mother. EVERYONE has issues and struggles. There are no perfect people. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with something. Sure your daughter had issues and you had issues parenting but that doesn't mean she wouldn't have wanted to be born, or born into your family. My own family has issues and struggles but I am happy to be here and feel that my parents love me very much despite their difficulties.

How do I delete my account? I think this is mean place and I don't want to be here anymore. Someone please delete it for me.
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