Not sure how to be happy!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Hull, GA
Posts: 8
Not sure how to be happy!
I posted this in another thread and some of my replies recommended that I post it here.
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I am a 43 yr old wife of 15 yrs to a fuctioning AH with a son who is 12.
My husband and I use to be social drinkers, only drinking at gatherings such as friends or having friends over. A year after our son was born my husband's father died (he was an alcoholic) and more devasting than that my husband mother was killed in a car wreck 3 weeks later. This sent him into a progression of drinking everyday. Over the last 11 yrs. I have hinted to him to slow down and even demand that he do it when he lost his job and large income since we could no longer support his habit. We, over the last year, have really started to grow apart. The friends (drinking buddies) that he has seem to be more forfilling than his family and do not respect me or our marriage. He recently took a job with one of his friends and has start to lie about where he is and what he is doing. This is what has brought all this upfront to face. I did like most and blew up told him to leave and then the next morning had the talk. He said he didn't won't to lose his family and said he would try to stop drinking. This was on a Wed. morning, by Sat. he came to me and said we needed to talk...only to say that if he wanted to drink a beer he was going to drink a beer. He called me on Wed. to tell me he was going over to a friends after work and then on Thurs. I asked him to take our son to his football practice to watch him hoping he would get involved, only to find out that he sat in the parking lot drinking beer.
Everything says to worry about making me and my son happy...I just don't know what that would be! My son and I love him so much and losing him would not make us happy, but living with the way things are and knowing that as the years go on it will get worst is not going to make us happy...
What to do?????? TEARS LOTS OF TEARS
UPDATE SINCE MY ORIGINAL POST: I know what I must do...
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I am a 43 yr old wife of 15 yrs to a fuctioning AH with a son who is 12.
My husband and I use to be social drinkers, only drinking at gatherings such as friends or having friends over. A year after our son was born my husband's father died (he was an alcoholic) and more devasting than that my husband mother was killed in a car wreck 3 weeks later. This sent him into a progression of drinking everyday. Over the last 11 yrs. I have hinted to him to slow down and even demand that he do it when he lost his job and large income since we could no longer support his habit. We, over the last year, have really started to grow apart. The friends (drinking buddies) that he has seem to be more forfilling than his family and do not respect me or our marriage. He recently took a job with one of his friends and has start to lie about where he is and what he is doing. This is what has brought all this upfront to face. I did like most and blew up told him to leave and then the next morning had the talk. He said he didn't won't to lose his family and said he would try to stop drinking. This was on a Wed. morning, by Sat. he came to me and said we needed to talk...only to say that if he wanted to drink a beer he was going to drink a beer. He called me on Wed. to tell me he was going over to a friends after work and then on Thurs. I asked him to take our son to his football practice to watch him hoping he would get involved, only to find out that he sat in the parking lot drinking beer.
Everything says to worry about making me and my son happy...I just don't know what that would be! My son and I love him so much and losing him would not make us happy, but living with the way things are and knowing that as the years go on it will get worst is not going to make us happy...
What to do?????? TEARS LOTS OF TEARS
UPDATE SINCE MY ORIGINAL POST: I know what I must do...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I was in a very similar situation with my alcoholic loved one. I was in my early 40's, married 14 years, one child from the marriage and two older children too. I woke up one day to the drama that my life had become.
I found strength and hope by attending Al anon meetings, reading self-improvement books, learning about alcoholism (because it became MY family's dis-ease), and reading/posting here at SR.
Here is a link to a post with steps that really helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of information and support. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I was in a very similar situation with my alcoholic loved one. I was in my early 40's, married 14 years, one child from the marriage and two older children too. I woke up one day to the drama that my life had become.
I found strength and hope by attending Al anon meetings, reading self-improvement books, learning about alcoholism (because it became MY family's dis-ease), and reading/posting here at SR.
Here is a link to a post with steps that really helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
I'm new to this as well. I don't know how to be happy right now. I feel like I'm in a vortex of hopelessness. To stay on this path with an alcoholic husband makes me sad and lonely, but I love him and am grasping at straws hoping he will get help without us leaving. But I know the answer is to leave with our three kids. Not for him, for us. We cannot be happy like this. But HOW does one be happy in this situation?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Addiction has tenacles that reach far and wide, they affect everyone they come in contact with. When living with an "A", who active, there is no peace, no happiness.
Your son should not be exposed to addiction in any form, he will carry his childhood into adulthood. Like your husband your son has a 50% chance of inheriting the gene that predisposes him to addiction. When he sees your husband drinking and you standing by watching, it re-enforces the notion that getting drunk is acceptable.
Do what is right for your son. If you have not read Codependent No More I would suggest that you do so, also get to Alanon meetings, and there is Alateen for your son.
Knowledge is power, learn all you can about alcoholism.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.
Your son should not be exposed to addiction in any form, he will carry his childhood into adulthood. Like your husband your son has a 50% chance of inheriting the gene that predisposes him to addiction. When he sees your husband drinking and you standing by watching, it re-enforces the notion that getting drunk is acceptable.
Do what is right for your son. If you have not read Codependent No More I would suggest that you do so, also get to Alanon meetings, and there is Alateen for your son.
Knowledge is power, learn all you can about alcoholism.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Hull, GA
Posts: 8
Again he put our son in his truck yesterday and drove after consuming over 12 beers in a 4.5 hr period.
So as of this morning, (after being up all night crying, reading and posting) I sat down w/ my AH and asked him did he feel he has a drinking problem and as I already knew the answer was NO. So, I very calmly told him that I loved him, but I had to walk the walk and get the help I needed to support my recovery of not letting his decissions affect my life and the life of our son.
I have been a homemaker for the last 8 years and no family near me. If it comes to a point of leaving, well that is just so scary to me! I know I'm not alone, I see that through so many post.
Pelican: thank you for the link, I printed it and I will do my best to apply it to our lives.
Mamabearto3: Right now, for both of us, there is no happiness since we are having to face something that we can't fix and our very nature as women (mothers) is to fix it! Having to make changes to our lives that goes against our need to love and be loved by our AH is so heartbreaking.
In my situation (I'm sure there is others) it is really hard cause he is so high functioning. I'm not having to lie for him, put him to bed, or even do with out money. What he is doing is lying about where he is in order to go drink and sometimes gets behind the wheel w/ my son.
As of 2 weeks ago he doesn't drink in front of me, so my son doesn't see the daily drinking anymore. But, that just means he probably is doing it before he comes home.
He still does things w/ our son (Baseball games, Football games, Hunting, Fishing) I just don't know how to make some of these changes that need to be done w/o effecting this part of their relationship (It was during a dove hunt w/ our son that he consumed the 12+ beers and then drove). I know that it is not OK...
Sooo confused!
So as of this morning, (after being up all night crying, reading and posting) I sat down w/ my AH and asked him did he feel he has a drinking problem and as I already knew the answer was NO. So, I very calmly told him that I loved him, but I had to walk the walk and get the help I needed to support my recovery of not letting his decissions affect my life and the life of our son.
I have been a homemaker for the last 8 years and no family near me. If it comes to a point of leaving, well that is just so scary to me! I know I'm not alone, I see that through so many post.
Pelican: thank you for the link, I printed it and I will do my best to apply it to our lives.
Mamabearto3: Right now, for both of us, there is no happiness since we are having to face something that we can't fix and our very nature as women (mothers) is to fix it! Having to make changes to our lives that goes against our need to love and be loved by our AH is so heartbreaking.
In my situation (I'm sure there is others) it is really hard cause he is so high functioning. I'm not having to lie for him, put him to bed, or even do with out money. What he is doing is lying about where he is in order to go drink and sometimes gets behind the wheel w/ my son.
As of 2 weeks ago he doesn't drink in front of me, so my son doesn't see the daily drinking anymore. But, that just means he probably is doing it before he comes home.
He still does things w/ our son (Baseball games, Football games, Hunting, Fishing) I just don't know how to make some of these changes that need to be done w/o effecting this part of their relationship (It was during a dove hunt w/ our son that he consumed the 12+ beers and then drove). I know that it is not OK...
Sooo confused!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It is so very irritating to me that there are no laws in this country to assist people who have children with alcoholics and addicts, to help them to protect their children. Every day it seems someone posts about the alcoholic spouse driving with their children. I don't pretend to know the answer but seriously, something needs to be done. A person who would drive with their child in the car after drinking 12 beers has no conscience.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Sglife, welcome to SR! Others with far more experience and wisdom will be along but I just wanted to add my support. Please note that "high functioning" alcoholic is a misnomer; alcoholism is progressive and your husband will only "function" until the day he doesn't. My A friend was a coworker who "functioned" until one day when he stopped showing up for work, and that was the end of his job.
The most important thing is taking care of yourself and your son, and allowing your son to get in a car with your H when he drives drunk is very scary and dangerous, you should perhaps think about no longer letting your H drive him anywhere alone. Sending you strength!
The most important thing is taking care of yourself and your son, and allowing your son to get in a car with your H when he drives drunk is very scary and dangerous, you should perhaps think about no longer letting your H drive him anywhere alone. Sending you strength!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Hull, GA
Posts: 8
I spoke w/ my son and told him to never ride w/ him again if he drinks. He said what was I suppose to do? I told him to call me and I will come get him. My son loves him and wants to do things w/ him, I just can't trust that he won't drink and drive!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Can you make a driving arrangement with one of the other moms where you drive one day and they drive the next and completely leave your husband out of the loop? The driving is the number one problem right now. You cannot allow your son to drive with a drunk, no matter what.
Have you been to Alanon to get support? There are things that you can do that will assist you . . .maybe make a short term plan, then a long-term plan.
Do you have friends or relatives you can move in with, if need be (even if in a different area)?
Have you been to Alanon to get support? There are things that you can do that will assist you . . .maybe make a short term plan, then a long-term plan.
Do you have friends or relatives you can move in with, if need be (even if in a different area)?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Hull, GA
Posts: 8
Seek: I don't think my son will ride w/ him anymore if he has drank anything. There is no one that I could live with close enough that I wouldn't have to change everything about my son's life. And right now, that could do him more harm than good.
I am going to my first Alanon meeting Wed.
For right now, I am just making sure that what my AH does doesn't involve our son (no drinking in my house and my son is to call me if he drinks when they are out doing things together).
I am going to my first Alanon meeting Wed.
For right now, I am just making sure that what my AH does doesn't involve our son (no drinking in my house and my son is to call me if he drinks when they are out doing things together).
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