PohsFriend

A few days ago, my wife celebrated 8 months of sobriety. We were married two weeks ago and are currently on our honeymoon.

Her sobriety began in December. We had been dating for 8 months and she had gone thru some major issues with her alcoholism. In December, her refusal to get help and a big blowup when I found hidden bottles was all I could deal with.

She refused help so I took her to her brothers house at 3 am. She was furious but she listens to him.

She started Aa then and moved back in with me a month later. She was sober and doing very well. Six weeks later she became pregnant. I was worried, she had slacked off on AA by the time we found out and I was pretty harsh - get back in AA and get back to putting life back together if you want to talk about a future together. She did.

She goes to 3-4 meetings each week, quit smoking but still does e- cigs, she said many times that she gets it. One drink could kill her, alcoholism nearly did a year ago.

I've been by her side through it. With alcohol she is a disaster - she had been diagnosed with severe depression, bpd and other issues. Without alcohol, that goes away.

Ok so to the point. This morning I went to do an activity while she was going to have breakfast and hang by the pool. When I got back, I could not find something and while looking through our stuff I found a bottle. Same technique as the past, vodka in a water bottle under clothes.... Suitcase this time rather than a dresser drawer but close enough.

When I confronted her she swore up and down that she has not been drinking until today and that she only had a couple sips and was then so overwhelmed with guilt that she put a finger down her throat and puked it out.

She was very upset with me for asking her questions. I tried to be very gentle - if you've been drinking I need to know. In the past, cold turkey caused her to have a seizure and congestive heart failure.... So since she will not be out of my sight again this weekend I need to know if she's had more so we can get medical supervision or consultation.

She swears it was just this once. She is very honest but has lied about alcohol in the past. Pouring it in a water bottle and hiding it is calculating. I asked her to call her sponsor immediately. She refused and said she will when she is ready. She forbade me to do so and gave me a guilt trip for not believing her.

In the past few months we have discussed this possibility and agreed that if she ever relapsed I should call her sponsor. One complication - her group recently said her sponsor should stop sponsoring anyone because she was not following steps well enough or some ****. It sounded to me like a few ladies there like to play queen ...her sponsor had not been drinking or anything.... Just upset about something and not obeying local group dictates about how to follow steps.

So she has a new sponsor and I think she's afraid of judgment.

I don't know what to do. She's sleeping now, mid day but she was tired and she is 7 months pregnant. Exhausted? Drunk? She swears she had a tiny bit and puked it out and I found it within hours of her getting it.

She's carrying our son. She's said in the past that I should tell her sponsor if she struggles. I am conflicted, she said not to over analyze this, she has been erratic lately at times just like when she drank and I am terrified. I want to trust her and respect her wishes but the pieces do not add up and she doesn't want her sponsor to know? She's defensive and immediately gave me guilt and anger and went after me for my own willpower - I asked her to stop bringing junk food home because I do not resist it. Not the same thing.

She could not tell me what triggered it. She had it for an hour or two before getting back to the hotel, pouring it in a water bottle, drinking some..... Lots of time to think, it was not a full glass left in front of her. I was very kind, I told her I am scared, not angry and when we agreed to marry I promised that if this ever happened I would stand by her and it would be our problem, not hers. We are in a resort town. I know she struggled the other night at an event where everyone was drinking....

So wtf do I do? I enabled in the past despite good intentions. I don't want to violate her trust or tattle but she is pregnant and an alcoholic and broke her promise to tell me if she ever got very tempted. Her type of drinking once it gets going could badly harm my son. If she is telling the truth and I don't believe her it hurts us - if she is lying and copping to the least possible story it could kill her and our son if I trust her. Lying about drinking is part of the disease just like hiding bottles. My gut says that her erratic behavior lately is what I saw in the past. She did some odd stuff a coupe weeks back and blamed it on taking an ambien - her counselor said that could mimic alcohol symptoms.

So I have an opportunity to help and let her see she CAN. Talk to me but a huge risk to her health and our child. I don't think she gets a vote here - I think I should start by notifying her sponsor and then .....what?

Need some help, feeling devastated, sad, scared and angry... Want to do the right thing. What the hell is that in this scenario?

ichabod

Oh gosh. Were it not for the baby my advice would be to back off and let her fall or rise on her own. With the baby, I'd call the sponsor and talk to her ob/gyn. Who really gives a poo if your wife feels betrayed?

She's lying about this being just once. Prepare for the very real possibility that you will be a single parent and start planning your life accordingly. Someone who is drinking while pregnant will not stop when she's caring for a newborn.

This doesn't mean it's hopeless, it's that she hasn't reached the point where quitting is the option she really wants. Until then, there is little you can do other than take care of yourself and your child and realize that you are not responsible for her choices.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

PohsFriend

I married her for better or worse and in sickness and health knowing that she is an alcoholic. But.. I made it very clear that active alcoholism would not be tolerated. How can I live my life, provide for our family and be a good father if I do not take action? When we talked this over before we married I said I would not kick her out and abandon her but that I would drag her to rehab.

Would like input from anyone else with more experience than I have. I won't let her out of my sight for the next three days so I'm trying to be calm and not impulsive.... Think it through and then act.

I am also utterly devastated and sad beyond words. I am terrified that this sweet woman I adore so completely could destroy my life. I will not go back to leaving work early to check on her or trying to solve this for her and enabling.

I guess I am looking for the right balance between letting her know I am committed to being her husband and that this is OUR problem while setting clear and well defined boundaries - she HAS TO be honest and HAS TO protect our son. If there is any evidence that she is drinking I know her spiral and would do whatever I must including having her confined to a hospital until the baby is born for his protection and her own. If she harms our son then neither of us would ever forgive her and if I am too "supportive" and she harms my son with the drinking it is on me - I am not ill, I don't blame her for having a disease but I won't tolerate danger to our baby and she would not want me to.

God this is terrifying. She is wonderful, but I have zero doubt that loving her will completely destroy my life if she doesn't stay sober and I won't live the way I did last year wondering if she'd be dead when I got home.

I'm trying not to let that fear turn to anger. ...but how not to be furious? She lied when she knowingly bought, drank and hid alcohol! To be hurt that I don't blindly believe her explanation? To get pissed at and contemptuous of me when she went out and got vodka then put it in the bloodstream that our son has to consume! Then to tell me she feels so bad that she is punished enough so don't tell anyone? Ok, deep breath.... It can keep until my head clears but this is not ok at all

Thanks ichabod, thanks in advance others. I need the dialogue to clear my head.... Other perspectives that can empathize with her but who do not have the same emotional bias help...

Honeymoon over I guess.

dollydo

You have taken on quite a challenge. Have you ever attended Alanon meetings? What exactly do you know about alcoholism?

She has a disease that there is no cure for. She will be an "A" all her life, it is just a matter of whether she is sober or not...and...working a strong recovery program.

An alcoholic while in the throws of addiction will never be a responsible spouse or parent.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie? If not, I would suggest that you do...you are codependent. You cannot help her, it is all up to her and enabling is not the answer, it just adds to the problem.

I would also suggest that you read all the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums, an "A" is an "A", alcohol or substance abusers...all the same...it is addiction.

PohsFriend

Thanks dolly,

Yes I have read about it and have attended many Aa meetings with her. I accept that whether she ruins her life is up to her and that whether I allow her to ruin mine is up to me.... But she is pregnant which means I can't allow her to spiral out of control again.

This is miserable. 8 months sober, can't tell me what triggered it and doesn't want to discuss it.

I understand that once she starts drinking it is a countdown to the hospital but I just can't get my head around wtf could possess her to go buy it, bring it back and drink it after 8 months when she herself says that she knows she can never drink, ever. Alcohol equals death, period.... So how could she? She loves this baby so much yet she knows that after she starts drinking she can't stop. She could have killed our baby tonight and she is worried about what her sponsor might say?

Getting very angry

drunkyjules

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I would be terrified too!

I'm not sure what to say but I think you should go with your gut, if you think she has been drinking again or that this isn't the first incident than you are probably right.

As an alcoholic only about a week sober I know my disease was progressing when I felt the need to hide it from my husband. He knows I'm an alcoholic, he loves and supports me.....but I still would want to sneak and hide it.....probably tring to hide it from myself too!

I'd say first and foremost think about your unborn son and you may have to drastic measures. Maybe have another talk and think about it.

I couldn't blame you for calling her sponsor. It sounds like you truely love her but unfortunately we have to want sobriety
for ourselves.

I'm going to pray for you and your family. Take care.

dollydo

I understand your anger, been there, more than one time. I have never been able to figure out exactly why an addict relapses. I have a friend who was sober for 20 years, we friends, all went out to dinner to celebrate her victory. After she left us to go home, she went on a binge, ended up in the ER, almost died and lost her husband.

He had set his boundry, you ever drink again, I am leaving and he did. As far as I know, she is still drinking...it is sad and honestly I just don't get it...after 20 years?

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.

Pelican

When you made the agreement with your wife about calling her sponsor, you were making an agreement with a sober, sane minded individual.

You have just been manipulated into doubting yourself by an actively drinking alcoholic.

Who do you want to protect? The actively drinking alcoholic or your sane, sober minded wife?

Call the sponsor. That was the plan.

NWGRITS

At this point, you need to find out what the story is so that you can take measures to protect your unborn child. I've worked with kids with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and my heart was breaking because those children didn't ask to be born that way. I still get angry whenever I think about how any mother could do that to her unborn child (doesn't help that I'm pregnant with my third right now). 8 months is awfully soon for an A to be getting into a serious relationship. Generally one year is the MINIMUM wait time.

Also, you say you've been to AA meetings with her, but you didn't say whether you'd been to Al-Anon for yourself. They're NOT the same thing, though we both use the Steps and Traditions, slogans, etc. You really need to figure out whether you can live with her like this. If so, that's all on you. It's no life, though, so I don't know why anyone would want to. That's just me, though. You're an adult making your own decisions. Good luck.

seek

Why would you NOT want to call her sponsor? That was the agreed upon plan and seems like the best chance of dealing with this in an above-board way.

peaceandgrace

I'd worry first about the health of your unborn son. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is devastating and the cause of so many of my students' learning difficulties.

Reread your comment: " "I can't allow her to spiral out of control again...".

Who is in control of whether or not she sneaks vodka knowing full well she has a 7month old child growing inside of her?

I feel your pain and I pray for the health of your son.

Who will you put first?

In compassion,

Peaceandgrace.

PohsFriend

Well I unloaded. I told her to pick up her phone and call her sponsor or I would call her brother and father and sponsor.
I lost it over this bs of pouting because I don't believe her. She deceived me and put a bottle of vodka before me, her son and my daughter who adores her. I am putting her safety ahead of her feelings And yes, I have decided that the pain she is causing me is unfair and I will tell her that she is I selfish and cruel and heartless to do this and tough crap if she doesn't want to hear it. It is true, if the truth is painful then change the damned truth.

If she is lying then for a couple months I can probably keep her from killing herself. If I have to file assault charges on her for endangering our son then so help me God I will.

Then after he's born she can hate me, walk out and drink herself to death or thank me but I'm not going to come home and find her unconscious again like the bad old days. She has to be breathing to hate me. This effing sucks.

And yes, I am furious and heartbroken and I love her so much it hurts. Would be better of if I didn't probably but one of us is going to deal with the facts and go from there

NWGRITS

PohsFriend- Let it out. We are here to listen and support you. Yes, it hurts. Sometimes beyond words. We often think we need to do whatever to make it stop hurting, but then we are just putting the A before ourselves. The pain is necessary for us to see reality, and where we need to go from here. You deserve a life outside of alcoholism's toxic clutches. Your children deserve it, too.

I grew up with an AM, and leaving her was easy. It was leaving my grandmother at almost 90 to live her life of extreme codependency that absolutely tore me apart. But, I had to protect myself and my children, regardless of anyone else's choices. I wish you peace and serenity, and a long lifetime of real, genuine love with your daughter and new baby boy. You deserve that.

Shadydeal

I am so sorry! I hear the pain in you post but aren't we glad we come to a place where we can express our pain! I think you've been given some goo words of wisdom in the posts above! Just wanted you to know that you will be in my prayers.

Lulu39

If I have to file assault charges on her for endangering our son then so help me God I will.

Your unborn child is your first priority.

Please do whatever you need to do to protect that baby. Being born with fetal alcohol syndrome is a real possibility right now. The Ob/Gyn needs to know ASAP.

Threshold

I am so sorry you are going through this pain and distress.

Is it possible to get her into rehab at least until the baby is born?

You are dealing with a number of serious issues here, alcoholism on top of a number of serious mental health issues. You may have married into that knowingly and be willing to tale the consequences but you clearly know that your unborn child did NOT. You must protect the child/children first.

It's so sad and frustrating that people cannot be loved back into sobriety. I wish that my ex had been able to love me into it, he couldn't. I wish i could love my boyfriend into it, but I can't.

But you can love the heck out of your baby, and it WILL make a huge difference.

Learn2Live

IMO, the most important thing here is the unborn baby. That baby needs to be protected. IMO this woman obviously will not do what is necessary to protect the baby, so someone has to. IMO she needs to be on lockdown. If that means putting her in a medical facility, then so be it. If it were me, I would call the doctor and have him paged, and explain her history of extreme alcohol abuse and ask the doctor what to do.

This baby has no choice and no ability to protect himself. Please do not have any more children with this person.

PohsFriend

I will be consulting with the doctor and I just won't believe anything she says without a breathalyzer test or whatever else I have to do.

I resent having to be responsible again for the fallout of her drinking, I did learn last time that I can't fix that and can't stop her, I can only control what I do. However, one reason she loves me or says she does is because she knows what type of father I am and that I won't ever let anyone or anything harm the daughter I raised or the so. I am about to raise.

So for the short term I guess I have to just treat her as though every word is a lie, check up on her and basically make both of our lives miserable and if she is lying and this was not a single one time event then I will do whatever I can to make sure that she spends the last two months of this pregnancy in a treatment facility.

Sitting at brunch right now. Said her sponsor called her back last night while I was out walking off the anger I felt. Says her sponsor said sorry it happened and she went too long without a meeting and should have found a meeting here.

Mixed feelings on Aa. Like it in many ways but think there is a lot more needed

PohsFriend

The thing that is really making me insane this morning is the pouting and she is pissed because I yelled at her last night. When I asked her why she did not tell me she was dealing with the urge she said it was because I would yell and make her feel bad and punish her when she has already punished herself for this and I should be more loving and supportive.

I'm sorry, getting upset because she has been breaking one promise after another and broke THE promise and drank while pregnant and I'm a dick for not just giving her a hug and a lollipop?

She says she feels guilty about putting our baby in harms way. I sure as hell haven't heard "OMG honey, I am so sorry for betraying your trust and making you so worried".

When she drank it was always me me me with no thought for others, not sure if that's it or of she really just has no clue what it is like to have to worry 24/7 about an active alcoholic. She acts as though she only hurt herself and shamed herself, no concept whatsoever of the fallout I've dealt with before and am terrified of dealing with again.

I will help, I will support and I will love but I will not enable and will not ignore it and I will not spend my life in fear so that she can spend hers in a bottle. I want a partner and a wife

lillamy

You're going to have to be the adult here even if she's not. Forget about her apologizing to you -- focus on your unborn baby. I, too, have met way too many people with FAS, and let me tell you, it's nothing I wish on my worst enemy.

If it weren't for the baby, I, too would say "run!" -- but I think you're absolutely right -- if you have to have her committed to save this baby, do it.