havfaith

Hey everyone,

You could say I've been a stalked around here for the last few weeks. Putting it that way makes me sound kinda creepy I guess. My name is Naomi but most people call me Nomie.

So over 6 months ago I cold turkey'd off of a substance called spice. The most vile drug I've ever experienced in relation to how it has damaged my brain, made me completely psychotic, and ended with me in a psychiatric ward kept away from the general population. That's a horrifying tale of 8 months of oblivion, in which my usage was so out of control I was not
"sane" unless I hit the pipe every 15-30min.! But I would love to talk about that specific addiction on another thread at some point.

Prior to becoming a slave to spice, I was a rock bottom alcoholic. Alcohol took over my life to such an extreme degree I have huge remorse left my family on a drunken binge for a year to live with someone I didn't even know. The alcohol was so bad I would wake up in the morning and if I didn't have it in my system within an hour I would be in seizures and dt's. Had two bouts of acute pancreantitis which put me in the icu once for 12days once for 7. I was ready and prepared to die by alcohol. I had no idea how to live or get sober. However I stopped drinking about 9months ago and haven't touched it since. But you cannott really say I got sober because my body no matter how many times I tried to drink would not keep the liquor down. That's how I found spice, which I thought cured me. :rotfxko

So after 8 months of using spice, returning to my husband and son, while using it. My brain snapped. I have about 6 months of my life with are a blackhole, I literally do not remember them. I would go into blackout psychosis. Even stabbed my husband with a screwdriver and have NO memory of it! He just has the scar to prove it to me.

Then after many failed attempts to stop at home I finally went to the er and told them when I walked in...." in a bout 30min. I'm going to be coming down from spice and will go psychotic" lol. They took me very seriously though and admitted me right away. Fed me drugs intravenously for 24hrs then sent me to the ward. After 4 days, I had an experience that is nothing short of some sort of higher power intervention. I'll tell that some other time.

I left by signing an AMA knowing by doing so I'd be going home with no drugs to help me detox. It was a horror show, and if not for my husband and my higher power I probably would have died from the detox. Because I was not only coming off of spice, but the tons of meds they fed me in the ward to try and snap me out of it, and oh btw towards the end of my spice usage I was abusing almost up to 100mg of valium a day.

For two weeks I was absolutely insane. I could write a book on the horrors and things I saw and heard during that time.

Two weeks in I still could barely walk or talk. But begged my husband to get me to an AA meetings. Suddenly something was just telling me GET THERE. And he did. I went religiously for 3 months. I learned so much and though I was brain fried, sweaty, sleepless, etc. it was the first time I experienced true sobriety and fell in love with it.

Well my mom sent me to a psychiatrist, an expensive one. He put me on benzo's! Before I new it my anxiety was worse and the antipsychotics made me depressed. Then my husband started letting me take his painkillers!

Years ago about 4 my husband had his first back surgery, this was 3months after my son was born. He couldn't even carry a gallon of milk. So we moved in with my in-laws and I worked to support us and went to school to become a massage therapist. During this time we started sharing his meds. I was unaware of pill addiction and after a year found myself hooked.

Now I am back to that. I cannot figure out how to conquer this. While going to aa I have spoken to alot of members and many have told me to leave my husband. However I will not break my family apart. Yet our relationship is strained because I hate that they are around. With my other addictions I just stopped having them around.

He hides them so I cannot get out of control. But meetings, praying every morning that I will not breakdown keep failing. My panic attacks are so severe I suffer from suicidal ideations. I have committed myself, I have tried rehab. I always fail when it comes to these pills. So now I feel hopeless with no solution. I am trying to stop the benozos, I stop them, take painkillers, and vice versa. I want to be free from these chains. I pray every morning for the strength to resist and truly do mean it with all my heart. So I am so discouraged because of my failures. Yet I cannot give up, will not lose my marriage to this or my son.

I am going to go to my first NA meeting tonight.

The worst part of all this is I am pregnant. So the guilt is overwhelming. When this baby gets here I want to be clean. Please please do not come down on me. My mind is my biggest critic, I know this is horrible. I am trying.

I have been scared to post this because of how people will react knowing I am pregnant.

I need support, and if there is anyone who is a recovering addict and their spouse uses your drug of choise please respond with help on how you deal with it and or have over come.

I do believe in God now. And I understand that many people do not, if that is your position I respest your beliefs, but please do not be offended that I do or put me down for it. And if there are those on here who do, please respond with any input.

I know sobriety is the happiest way to live. I want it desperately. That may not make sense since I continue to fail, but I swear it is true.

My heart goes out to all who are still suffering through this. We all cope in different ways, yet we all have a lot in common too.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this and responds.



Now

Purplecatlover

Welcome to SR Havfaith,
This probably needs to be moved to the newcomers thread to be seen by more people.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.
You have conquered addiction before....can you do the same things?
How did the NA meeting go?
Praying for you & your baby & family.
With God ALL things are possible

Dee74

Welcome Nomie

I moved the thread for you

I trust the people here to leave their judgement at the door - having said that your health and the health of your baby needs to be paramount right now.

You obviously realise that, and you also clearly know you need to change things - you'll find a lot of support here - I hope NA might be the first step in doing that.

I also recommend you see a Dr if you have not already and be honest with them about whats going on.

Have you considered rehab at all, again? The stakes are higher now - thats another option.

D

Anna

Hi Nomie,

Welcome!

There is no judgement here. But, I am very concerned about your baby's health and your health. Do you have a dr you can talk to honestly to get help? I think it's good you're going to meeting tonight.

Sapling

Welcome Nomie...Your husband has to understand he can't be giving this stuff to you...It could be fatal for you. I'm glad the meetings are working for you. I'm curious...AA and NA both use the 12 steps as the program of recovery....Have you worked those steps with a sponsor?....They say faith without works is dead....I do believe that.

MetalChick

Hugs comin' at you sweetheart.

Perhaps because you are pregnant you can get top priority with a rehab treatment? I know you said it didn't work before, but maybe it is your time Be honest with your doctor about what is going on with you. I think it would be great for you to be able to be under medical care, detox, and relax with the help you need.

We are here for you

Thank you for having the courage to post.

MemphisBlues

I am very sorry that you sought out a doctor for help after detoxing from booze only to be prescribed benzos.

Benzos are what did this alcoholic drug addict in. Spice is an evil drug from what I gather. It's one of the few drugs I never dabbled in, though I had a long run on Salvia. Spice and benzos are a double whammy, creating a protracted withdrawal that is just hell.

If you were (or are) taking 100 milligrams of Valium a day, well, it isn't going to be pretty. I took 20 milligrams of Klonopin a day, which is the equivalent of 400 milligrams of Valium

The panic, anxiety, agoraphobia, shakes, sweats lasted for three months. Those were just the acute symptoms of my withdrawal. The rest of the symptoms lasted for close to a year.

I am not trying to scare you, but do wish you would find a doctor well versed on benzo withdrawal and maybe even consider finding an inpatient or outpatient rehab also versed in tapering people off of benzos. The pain medication will be physically trying to get off of for a week or so, from what I have read, but the benzo withdrawal can be fought off by slowly tapering them under the supervision of a doctor who understands the brain chemistry involved (and It think you will be hard pressed to find such a doctor).

As far as a using spouse, is his use medical because of his back injury? does he obtain the pills from a doctor? Has he considered a pain management approach? Does he know you are struggling to obtain sobriety? From my personal experience, if one part of a couple strives for sobriety and the other doesn't, it doesn't bode well for the relationship. If he has a legitimate need for pain killers, there are ways for you two to separate your issues, though if you are an addict like me you will manipulate him to feed your own habit, scour the house looking for his stash, and pretty much do anything to get to his drugs. That's what untreated addicts and alcoholics do.

That NA meeting you mention is a solid idea.

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR!

glad you are here!

Love & hugs,

havfaith

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate every ones response and my post being moved to where it should be.

My last heavy bender I was dying from pancreantitis- drinking 24-7, doing spice, and taking any pill I could get my hands on. By the end of that bender no matter how many times I tried to keep alcohol down I'd throw it up within minutes. I'd try to keep swallowing the poison nevertheless.Once the poison would not stay down and I realized it never would I started using the spice, the only drug strong enough I could find to cope with no alcohol. Then went to a psychiatrist while using the spice because I began to have psychosis and anxiety beyond imagine. I wasn't up front with the dr. about the spice. He put me on Valium. So then it was spice + Valium.
But I wanted my family and my mind back. I saw no way out but as I said I went to the er. Then the ward. I have not touched alcohol or spice in months. Nor the valium. and came clean to all my dr.'s.

However my psych. and OB in my second trimester decided the panic attacks, lack of sleep, and mental state(suicidal), was best to put me on meds again! I had done so well and I thought OK fine, I'll take the meds. I insisted if they put me on a benzo it be a MILD one. Well it was Ativan aka Lorazepam. Started it and one day I'd be a zombie not caring about a thing, the next depressed beyond belief, and a day here a there where I functioned perfectly. Now I'm no longer seeing the psych. not taking the benzos, its been almost two weeks. The brain fry and panic is excruciating.
So now I'm taking painkillers!!! I know how messed up this is. I know I'm an addict to the extreme.

As it says in the Big Book in one of the stories. I have lost the right to chemical comfort.

My husband gets his painkillers legitimately. However he will use them all in two weeks. Then drink at night to cope through the next two till his appointment. And now I'm dependent on them too. AGAIN. As I said this happened years ago when he first started getting them. But I know now I never really did get over pill addiction.

How could I stop drinking, and using spice. But have such a hard time with pills?!
I want to be happy joyous and free.

Oh and on top of stopping benzos, I've quit smoking. Which my husband is still smoking.

I will not lose my marriage over chemicals though! It happened once, and he is the love of my life. We have been together since I was 15yrs old!! Except for the year of my last huge bender which really was an attempt to end my life through drugs.

Only by the GRACE OF GOD am I still here. SO there must be a reason for me to remain.....

havfaith

I am sorry for the huge quote of memphis's in my reply, I am trying to figure out how and where to post properly and well my brain just is fried right now to be honest.
It's so bad on most days my husband has to help me make any decisions at all.

Sapling

It's OK...You're doing fine.

Purplecatlover

Can you talk to the OB? Be honest about it, a hospital detox?
I know you're suffering but your baby will suffer more if you don't get help soon.

Will your husband lock up his pills if you told him the truth?

You all deserve to be chemical free...
Keep praying & don't give up...God won't give up on you! Keep fighting.
Did you go to NA?

havfaith

Thank you for telling me I'm doing ok.

My husband knows I hate the pills. He knows I wish they didn't exist in our lives. And yes he locks them up or hides them, per my request. Because I can't control myself otherwise. But he still will give them to me when I ask. I know this is a stupid stupid situation. I feel aweful that I pray to never ask for another again then fail.

My OB knows my addiction history. That my brain is trying to recover from the damage of spice and alcohol. But I have not told him I've been using painkillers.

I tried a treatment center about a month ago because I felt I couldn't cold turkey the benzos. But the environment was too unsuitable for a high-risk pregnant women and they felt I needed to just taper off at home.

This pregnancy is very painful. I'm 5'7 and when I got pregnant weighed only 100lbs. The chronic pancreantitis makes it painful and hard to eat. So I've been pretty much bed ridden. For some reason unlike my first pregnancy, I actually am in pain in my uterus, and back. I have to sit down very carefully, and I hate being stuck at home.

I'm sorry these posts are so disjointed. Thank you for reading them though!

Vall

Dear Havfaith,

I really really feel for you as I am sure we all do on here and I wish I could give you a really big hug right now...

How far on are you?

Sapling

Don't worry about your posts...They are fine. I really think you need to get honest with your doctor about what you are using...That's critical. And talk with your husband about getting that stuff away from you....You can do this...You know?

Purplecatlover

I understand...I had my husband ration out my booze for awhile b/c I would binge if he didn't but it was a horrible position to put him in. If he didn't give me what I wanted, when I wanted, I'd go insane, yelling, cursing or cry & manipulate him. That's no way to treat someone you love. But he hated to see me suffer.
That's what addiction does to you..
I had to take responsibility for my addiction if I was going to get better.

You have to want to be sober/ clean more than anything.
It sucks at first, it's the hardest thing I ever did but it's so worth it.
After the intense suffering, the healing begins & life is way better than I could have ever imagined before.

But please be honest with your dr. There's another life in the balance here. God has given you a precious gift most people only dream of.
Prayers & hugs for you

awuh1

I’m going to suggest something that you may reject as soon as you read it, but hear me out.

The last time I drank followed an experience of a huge disappointment. I felt awful and developed a major case of the “F*ck its”. When I got sober I needed to look at what took me to that terrible place.

What I eventually came to understand was that much of my life had been centered on how I felt. Staying sober (for me) has required something I never, would have thought. It has required me to NOT put my own happiness as the number 1 goal. That’s why, of all the moving things you had to said in the original post, this is what stood out for me

The statement seems innocent enough on its face but therein lies the trap. When personnel happiness becomes the most important thing, everything else is secondary. I needed to come to realize how utterly insignificant I was in the big picture of things and how even less important how I felt (at any one particular point in time) was.

You say that you have had the experience of a higher powers intervention. Ask that higher power for the understanding of the right thing to do. If you are like me you will find that personal happiness is not as important as previously thought, but merely the eventual byproduct of that action.

Despite all the formidable challenges you face, I believe that if you change that focus and stay the course, things will eventually fall into place. I wish you all the best.

havfaith

awuh1~ Thank you. Your post really struck me just now because I thought I wasn't being selfish and that I just want to be a normal person for my family. But in the end, the manic anxiety, depression, anger bouts, that strike me every other day is what drives me to use thinking I'm going to at least be able to do this with my son or be this way for my husband for a few hours....

Ultimately I'm tired, I don't want to be this brain-fried freak who has to run out of stores and not be able to function mentally.

I will focus less on me. I get so angry with myself that I'm a loser who can't think I hurt myself and will cry for hours....thinking I guess I'm unworthy of my family, of anything. I didn't realize in a way that this self-pity is selfish.

I am getting up and trying again. The fear of tomorrow's mood is terrifying. Today I am feeling strong and loving and am going to the lake with my son and husband.

What sucks is.....the demon inside(that's what I call the addict in me) wants to tell me "sure you say today is day 1 again...but your gonna use again, someday"

havfaith

Thank you for saying you want to give me a hug. I never went to the na meetings. I'm thinking of going to my aa meeting at noon but I can't talk about my pill problem there.

I had two sponsers so far through aa. My mental state gets so bad that I won't answer my phone for a week or more. So I've lost both sponsers. Also I think I need to go to na now and get a sponser because when I told my last sponser I had used painkillers and felt as though I'd lost sobriety she told me "well this is aa so you don't need to change your sobriety date"
I don't have a liscense anymore because in Jan. I had a seizure while driving and somehow survived the accident which totaled my car, took out the cities power and water for hours. I never had seizures in my life until I reached the end of my using spice and alcohol. I'd wake up and go into shock and seizures if I couldn't get something in my system. I haven't had a seizure since that accident. The day I got in the car I had smoked some spice and felt fine, no anxiety or anything. One minute I was driving the next I was waking up and in a car wreck that THANK GOD did not involve anyone else. Some how I crossed two lanes of traffic on a major highway, a divider and rammed into a walgreens shopping center where I woke upon colliding with a major electrical box. When I woke up the airbag had deployed and my car was totaled and I threw open the car door to find a massive hole which I managed to jump over and crawl across some rocks. I later found out that if I had touched ANYTHING upon jumping out of the car I would have been electrocuted to death. They couldn't get to the power for hours after my wreck. That's all I remember and because I didn't have insurance they kicked me out of the hospital four hours later. My husband had to feed me because apparently I was a vegetable for 3 days. I don't remember.

What a horrible person huh? I could get my license back but I'm terrified, even though I haven't had a seizure since then. I'm scared I'd hurt someone else while driving or kill myself when I have a bad day.

awuh1

In the beginning the selfishness can be put to good use in getting and staying sober. Focus on yourself. Nothing wrong with that. In so doing you are helping others at the same time. Perhaps you can think of it as helping to keep your town supplied with electricity.

Seriously though, you have a lot on your plate. Way more than most. The story of how you got and stayed sober is going to be a Godsend for someone someday.