Help...up and down
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Help...up and down
I just posted this morning about how I'm doing better and somehow tonight is a horrid night. One of those nights when my thoughts are driving me crazy. I'm the good parent, here at home in bed getting ready for our mini vacation tomorrow and separated AH is in his motel room pining away for his young enabling mistress who lives at home with her parents.
How is it that I have nights like this and he just goes on....like a happy clam, with no cares. He can play all romance and fun because he is not the full time parent. Somehow I just need to know that one day the universe will pay him back. I'm doing all the work and he's having fun like a single guy.
I never want to see his face or hear his voice. I gave him all of myself and he continues to drag me through the mud, even in separation. Someone, please tell me he will know the pain he has caused me and the damage he has done to our children.
How is it that I have nights like this and he just goes on....like a happy clam, with no cares. He can play all romance and fun because he is not the full time parent. Somehow I just need to know that one day the universe will pay him back. I'm doing all the work and he's having fun like a single guy.
I never want to see his face or hear his voice. I gave him all of myself and he continues to drag me through the mud, even in separation. Someone, please tell me he will know the pain he has caused me and the damage he has done to our children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
AH - that mean's Alcoholic husband
Why do you expect someone that is intoxicated to be normal?
Would you act normal if you were drunk? - I know I wouldn't
Sound's like it's time for you to put your foot down
and make some personal boundaries to protect yourself (emotionally)
That's not good for your kid's either. My dog's were a nervous wreck
when I lived like that. They could feel my sadness.
Your not going to change him, no matter how much you Beetch and complain
All you can do, is follow your step's - someday's it really suck's - but you
have to do it, or nothing change's in your life
Time to take care of you!
I know it's not easy, knowing he is out doing those thing's. But there's nothing
you can do. And even if he not drinking tomorrow, remember, his brain and his
body is still toxic with alcohol. His brain (mentally) has a very warped way of thinking.
And it will be that way, until "HE" decide's to get help and get sober.
So - Either you sit there and let him add more "toxic" in your life
or
You either stop it now, and start working on you....
Alcoholics drink more and more....The process get's worse. The pain get's worse
The stories get worse. The finance's get's worse and so and so on....BLAH!!!
Get a lawyer, for legal advice. You have to protect you and the kid's.
Especially, your finance's. You have kid's to feed....
Because....Like me...I didn't listen to people on here
and in my class. They all advised me that he would drink the money away.
I was like: "Oh, my husband wouldnt do that"
When I left for a week. I came home and he had drank our checkbook
down to $1.57
It wasn't my husband that drank all of our money away. It was the alcoholic husband
that I was married to. Almost like 2 different people!!
My XAH has been sober for 8 months now. Has been to 2 rehabs and many AA meetings
And he still doesnt get what he has done to me or the kids
Give it up sister - Work on you and get your house in order
Sounds like he is not ready to get sober.
You have to learn to love yourself first, heal, find peace, be a good mom
without someone who is drunk....
That's like trying to feed a tiger with your hand...LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT
You are worth more than that...And your not a tiger tamer......
Where is he getting all of the money to do that stuff? Motel, Booze?? is not cheap!
Isn't that like "robbing" money from you and your kids?
It could be money that would buy a new pair of shoe's for your kid's!
or more money for your mini vacation
Time to start, thinking about how he is robbing you and your kid's
Get alittle fire under your dress. Stand up for you and the kid's!!
Why do you expect someone that is intoxicated to be normal?
Would you act normal if you were drunk? - I know I wouldn't
Sound's like it's time for you to put your foot down
and make some personal boundaries to protect yourself (emotionally)
That's not good for your kid's either. My dog's were a nervous wreck
when I lived like that. They could feel my sadness.
Your not going to change him, no matter how much you Beetch and complain
All you can do, is follow your step's - someday's it really suck's - but you
have to do it, or nothing change's in your life
Time to take care of you!
I know it's not easy, knowing he is out doing those thing's. But there's nothing
you can do. And even if he not drinking tomorrow, remember, his brain and his
body is still toxic with alcohol. His brain (mentally) has a very warped way of thinking.
And it will be that way, until "HE" decide's to get help and get sober.
So - Either you sit there and let him add more "toxic" in your life
or
You either stop it now, and start working on you....
Alcoholics drink more and more....The process get's worse. The pain get's worse
The stories get worse. The finance's get's worse and so and so on....BLAH!!!
Get a lawyer, for legal advice. You have to protect you and the kid's.
Especially, your finance's. You have kid's to feed....
Because....Like me...I didn't listen to people on here
and in my class. They all advised me that he would drink the money away.
I was like: "Oh, my husband wouldnt do that"
When I left for a week. I came home and he had drank our checkbook
down to $1.57
It wasn't my husband that drank all of our money away. It was the alcoholic husband
that I was married to. Almost like 2 different people!!
My XAH has been sober for 8 months now. Has been to 2 rehabs and many AA meetings
And he still doesnt get what he has done to me or the kids
Give it up sister - Work on you and get your house in order
Sounds like he is not ready to get sober.
You have to learn to love yourself first, heal, find peace, be a good mom
without someone who is drunk....
That's like trying to feed a tiger with your hand...LET SOMEONE ELSE DO IT
You are worth more than that...And your not a tiger tamer......
Where is he getting all of the money to do that stuff? Motel, Booze?? is not cheap!
Isn't that like "robbing" money from you and your kids?
It could be money that would buy a new pair of shoe's for your kid's!
or more money for your mini vacation
Time to start, thinking about how he is robbing you and your kid's
Get alittle fire under your dress. Stand up for you and the kid's!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
He's stuck in a very immature role. As long as he remains there (abusing alcohol) he will continue to go downhill.
Wish I could give you positives. He has to see a problem and want to make a change.
Keep in mind the three C's:
You DIDN'T CAUSE it. Addiction is not something that one person can do to another. An unhappy childhood, an unhappy marriage, or problems with children, for example, do not cause a person to become a substance abuser. Even if you yourself had a substance abuse problem when your children were young, it is not your fault. While some people may be born with an inherited tendency toward addiction, and some life experiences may make it more or less likely, neither genes nor experiences alone cause addiction. Rather, the path to drug use, abuse, and addiction are actions that the substance abuser chooses. Simply stated, the addiction is the result of a series of bad choices made by the substance abuser.
You CAN'T CONTROL it. If an addict wants a drug, nothing and no one will stand in their way. Forget pouring the wine down the sink, or flushing pills down the toilet; it won’t make a difference. In truth, the only way to limit being around substance abuse is to limit your time around the substance abuser.
You CAN'T CURE it. Much as you may want a substance abuser to get help, you can’t make it happen. Love and understanding won’t do it, and neither will begging or threatening. Recovery will come, if at all, only if and when the substance abuser truly decides to seek another life. Just as the addiction was the result of a series of bad choices by the substance abuser, so must recovery begin and be maintained through a series of good choices by the substance abuser.
The three C’s can be a great comfort. Suppose you find yourself worrying, saying: If only I’d been a better mother, perhaps my son would never have started drinking. Repeat to yourself: I didn’t cause it. Or tell that that nagging inner voice – Maybe if I found a really good treatment program and took her to meet with the counselor – that you can’t cure it. It’s a hard message to remember at times, but it really can help your own peace of mind.
You cannot control substance abuse, cure it, or cause it. But you can learn to cope with it.
...above copied from coping with substance
Wish I could give you positives. He has to see a problem and want to make a change.
Keep in mind the three C's:
You DIDN'T CAUSE it. Addiction is not something that one person can do to another. An unhappy childhood, an unhappy marriage, or problems with children, for example, do not cause a person to become a substance abuser. Even if you yourself had a substance abuse problem when your children were young, it is not your fault. While some people may be born with an inherited tendency toward addiction, and some life experiences may make it more or less likely, neither genes nor experiences alone cause addiction. Rather, the path to drug use, abuse, and addiction are actions that the substance abuser chooses. Simply stated, the addiction is the result of a series of bad choices made by the substance abuser.
You CAN'T CONTROL it. If an addict wants a drug, nothing and no one will stand in their way. Forget pouring the wine down the sink, or flushing pills down the toilet; it won’t make a difference. In truth, the only way to limit being around substance abuse is to limit your time around the substance abuser.
You CAN'T CURE it. Much as you may want a substance abuser to get help, you can’t make it happen. Love and understanding won’t do it, and neither will begging or threatening. Recovery will come, if at all, only if and when the substance abuser truly decides to seek another life. Just as the addiction was the result of a series of bad choices by the substance abuser, so must recovery begin and be maintained through a series of good choices by the substance abuser.
The three C’s can be a great comfort. Suppose you find yourself worrying, saying: If only I’d been a better mother, perhaps my son would never have started drinking. Repeat to yourself: I didn’t cause it. Or tell that that nagging inner voice – Maybe if I found a really good treatment program and took her to meet with the counselor – that you can’t cure it. It’s a hard message to remember at times, but it really can help your own peace of mind.
You cannot control substance abuse, cure it, or cause it. But you can learn to cope with it.
...above copied from coping with substance
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Sweetee - I really feel your pain.
I am in a smililar situation - seperated from AH with 2 kids - not an easy place to be.
It also gets on my wick when AH does the "poor me " speech and I'm thinking " yeah its real tough being in appartment on your own when I'm doing EVERYTHING else and looking after the boys too.
It will get better, it does get better - these things take time.
Hang in there - there is light at the end of the tunnel
I am in a smililar situation - seperated from AH with 2 kids - not an easy place to be.
It also gets on my wick when AH does the "poor me " speech and I'm thinking " yeah its real tough being in appartment on your own when I'm doing EVERYTHING else and looking after the boys too.
It will get better, it does get better - these things take time.
Hang in there - there is light at the end of the tunnel
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You get to love and nurture your beautiful kids each and everyday.
You are there to tuck them in at night, and wake up with them, and their adorable bed heads.
You are raising them on your terms, you get to hug, kiss comfort, and enjoy them on a daily basis.
Personally, I believe you are one very lucky woman.
In years to come, you will have loving, responsible adult kids, who will understand all that their mom has done for them. Your home will always be filled with love because you cared and you were always there for them.
The days may be long, but the years are short.
Hang in there, its all going to work out.
You are there to tuck them in at night, and wake up with them, and their adorable bed heads.
You are raising them on your terms, you get to hug, kiss comfort, and enjoy them on a daily basis.
Personally, I believe you are one very lucky woman.
In years to come, you will have loving, responsible adult kids, who will understand all that their mom has done for them. Your home will always be filled with love because you cared and you were always there for them.
The days may be long, but the years are short.
Hang in there, its all going to work out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
" Someone, please tell me he will know the pain he has caused me and the damage he has done to our children. " (Sweeteewall)
There is no guarantee that he will ever wake up and truly understand all the damage he has caused. There are those who go thru life without ever really getting the big picture.
To continue to wonder if he will ever own his unacceptable actions is not going to get you to a place of peace. We have to remember we are dealing with twisted minds here. Addiction has taken over their conscience.
I raised three daughters on my own, it was rough at times, but in the big picture of life it was my greatest joy. I now have three granddaughters running thru my house, and at the end of the weekend it looks like a hurricane came thru here, and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!
Be well
There is no guarantee that he will ever wake up and truly understand all the damage he has caused. There are those who go thru life without ever really getting the big picture.
To continue to wonder if he will ever own his unacceptable actions is not going to get you to a place of peace. We have to remember we are dealing with twisted minds here. Addiction has taken over their conscience.
I raised three daughters on my own, it was rough at times, but in the big picture of life it was my greatest joy. I now have three granddaughters running thru my house, and at the end of the weekend it looks like a hurricane came thru here, and I absolutely LOVE IT!!!
Be well
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Sweetteewall, it isn't that the universe needs to pay him back.
It's that the universe will pay you back for supporting, loving and cherishing your children. You will raise great human beings, and someday, when they're grown, they will support, love and cherish you because you taught them how and they are grateful.
There is a generational chain of behavior, and you have changed the family tree from the model of alcoholic destruction to the model of what good, honest, loving behavior is.
That's what happened to me and my 2 grown children, and it is such a source of strength and love. It will come to you, too, in time.
BothSidesNow
It's that the universe will pay you back for supporting, loving and cherishing your children. You will raise great human beings, and someday, when they're grown, they will support, love and cherish you because you taught them how and they are grateful.
There is a generational chain of behavior, and you have changed the family tree from the model of alcoholic destruction to the model of what good, honest, loving behavior is.
That's what happened to me and my 2 grown children, and it is such a source of strength and love. It will come to you, too, in time.
BothSidesNow
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Sweetteewal)))))))
Cannot add a lot to what has already been said. Great Posts!!!!!!! And every
one so true!!!!!!
I got sober a bit over 31 years ago and spent many years making amends to my
older children and my youngest. When I got custody of her back, she was just
entering her teens. And although the teen years are usually 'rough' it was won-
derful for me!!!!!! My older ones watch for a year or so and then they came back
also. My mother had all of the kids, not my xAH.
Today I reap the joys of having been able to change things around. The youngest
lives only 6 blocks from me and I see her, her hubby, his mom (my very dear
friend) and my 4 grand children from my daughter ALL THE TIME. My other
grand children are older but do come to see 'gramma' as many times a year as
they can. My older children also visit, usually surprising me, because I get so
EXCITED, lol
Life is good today. Your life is good today. You have your beautiful children, and
as stated above already, they are learning great habits for living as a good pro-
ductive citizen in our society, and how to be a kind, compassionate, caring human
being to their fellow man.
You go girl!!!!!!! And please remember you are not alone in this huge endeavor you
have taken on, as we are always with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Cannot add a lot to what has already been said. Great Posts!!!!!!! And every
one so true!!!!!!
I got sober a bit over 31 years ago and spent many years making amends to my
older children and my youngest. When I got custody of her back, she was just
entering her teens. And although the teen years are usually 'rough' it was won-
derful for me!!!!!! My older ones watch for a year or so and then they came back
also. My mother had all of the kids, not my xAH.
Today I reap the joys of having been able to change things around. The youngest
lives only 6 blocks from me and I see her, her hubby, his mom (my very dear
friend) and my 4 grand children from my daughter ALL THE TIME. My other
grand children are older but do come to see 'gramma' as many times a year as
they can. My older children also visit, usually surprising me, because I get so
EXCITED, lol
Life is good today. Your life is good today. You have your beautiful children, and
as stated above already, they are learning great habits for living as a good pro-
ductive citizen in our society, and how to be a kind, compassionate, caring human
being to their fellow man.
You go girl!!!!!!! And please remember you are not alone in this huge endeavor you
have taken on, as we are always with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
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