Seeking321

I have an ex who did what i call a "drive by amends" 5 months ago as we were leaving a funeral. Whole process was 15 minutes of him talking as he was walking to the car to catch a plane. One sided, him talking, me taking a while to realize what was happening. Incredibly unsatisfying for me, but i figured he was early in his recovery (his sponsor advised it was too early for amends but he was doing it anyway). And i just left it up to him to make he next move - he has recently emailed wanting to chat.

What role do I (as the recipient) have (and get) in the process of amend making? What happens if the amends are all one sided, or if what he says doesn't accurately or completely capture the impact his drinking and behavior has on me (what happened last time)? Is this supposed to bring some closure for me too - or just him? I realize that he can't control my reaction (he's sweeping his side of the street), and if he doesn't truly understand or know the impact his drinking and addiction had on me - that he ultimately serves the price. But it seems that if its one sided (no conversation, exchange) then is that really amends?

I think part of what I am processing this is the way he made amends the first time felt like a continuation of past behavior - dropping in suddenly on his terms/time, no concern for me or if i was ready or interested to talk about this, skimming across the surface of things, doing it on his terms vs. in partnership with me, talking about it from what he needs vs. what my needs were, the one sided-ness of it all, etc. And it didn't feel like what I thought was the true spirit of amends. I am still wrangling with if/how to say something now if in our next exchange (managing expectations, deciding if i need to prepare what i want to say). Perhaps my best response would be to name the behavior i am seeing/experiencing and how i feel about it. And what he chooses to do about it is up to him.

dollydo

He is your ex...why are you spending so much time trying to figure out what he is doing and why?

Go no contact and move on.

WaterWings

It has nothing to do with you. Accept his apologies, or don't, whichever is appropriate to you, and don't bother talking to him again.

You have no role in this. You are a a number on his checklist. Let it go.

fourmaggie

all your CHOICE...

either you go or you dont....

Fathom

I think this is a fair question, and I don't really have an answer. But, it seems that the spirit of the step is to actually make amends... You know, to have a positive impact on the amend-ee? It sounds like he failed. Your description of his drive-by seems spot on. But, your role in this is up to you. Do you want the kind of amends he can offer you right now? Do you ever want it? Figure out your answer, and then act accordingly. I honestly don't know what my answer would be if my XAH were to ever give me that option. Something tells me I won't be needing to worry about that one for a while though.

Take care,
Fathom

EnglishGarden

The amends can be very brief if both of you have no interest in healing the relationship in order to eventually reunite as a couple. And you have no obligation at all to spend any time with your ex or to listen to him.

In my personal experience, I had my own codependent part in the painful relationship with an alcoholic, and I contributed to the painful roller coaster in my own way. Had he not been a dangerous, sick person, I would have wanted to make my own amends. But it is never safe to be vulnerable to an active alcoholic.

If both persons in the failed alcoholic relationship are mutually working very active recovery programs and both have at least some interest in a reunion when they are each solid on their feet-- emotionally and mentally and spiritually--then amends-making is a very serious matter and would probably best be done with a counselor or a minister. On their own, the damaged partners often just create more damage. But with help, and a lot of time, there is a chance they can meet each other with open hearts and minds.

If he is your ex for good, I would move on from here.

BobbyJ

Amend's - Boy that's something I have dealt with for along time. In the past few week's my life has turned around. My XAH amend's were: "Hey, Im sorry, wish I could change the past, I would do anything" and "I hope you don't forget the good times we did have together"

I thought about it - Made my hair stand up on the back of my neck
Then I thought about it some more - That's him.... That's really him
All of the recovery in the world, on their side and our side, is not going
to make a prince charming out of a frog....Well, for atleast mine. It's not!

He did the best he could do
It is my choice to like it, accept it or move on.........

One thing that helped me was reading this -
Is the AA - Big Blue Book
Big Book On Line

There is a section in there: FOR THE WIVES

Skip around on the pages. Or read it all
Then look at your ex - for what he really is today!
Then look at you - for what you really want and need today!

Two different people - Not on the same page!!!

Are you "expecting" him to change or "accepting" him for what he is???
(That's where I totally screwed myself up)

Your recovery is about you.. It's hard to stay on your side of the street
and learn to take care of you. We havent done that for awhile.
But it takes daily exercise (mentally, emotionally and (physically) AND really
glupping down the "recovery kool-aid", minute by minute , day after day

Every move I make...thru out the day - I have learned to STOP and
ask myself....
"Is that good for me"???
"Can I change that" ??
"Can I fix that" ??
"Can I cure that" ??

I have not heard the amend's I would like to hear
and that's not good enough for me
I have learned, that I am moving on in life and I NEED & WANT
to be around positive people. One's who are not in denial and one's
that are not "dry drunk's"

Keep on glupping on your OWN recovery - You will figure it out!!

kudzujean

Isn't THAT the truth, "But it is never safe to be vulnerable to an active alcoholic.
."

Learn2Live

Reading your post, my question is, what are you trying to control here? If a person is truly working his program and trying to make amends, whether he does it "right," or proper or successfully, is not up to anyone but him, and his sponsor of course. HIS program is for HIM, not you.

Freedom1990

I used to get so mad at my sponsor for pointing out the fact that if I had one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, I was in perfect position to pi$$ all over today.

All I have, any of us have for that matter, is the moment in front of us. It's up to me to make the best of that moment, or to squander it away.

I've been on both sides of the fence, as a codependent, and as an addict/alcoholic (now 22+ years sober, and 13 years in Alanon).

The closest I ever got to an amend from my abusive EXAH was a phone call out of the blue somewhere around 1997 asking if I had ever been tested for HIV because he was in the clinical stages of AIDS at that time.

Yes, I had, and I was HIV free. That man did not have to call me. We had been separated by 1986, the same year I left him and moved away. We were long divorced and he had been remarried many years by then. It was weighing heavy on his conscience and he was very relieved to hear I was negative.

I had a lot of mixed emotions after that call. The two biggest ones were gratitude that I had escaped contracting HIV, and sadness for him that he had such a grave consequence to his lifestyle, which was also my lifestyle all the years I was with him.

Is there ever any "closure" in our past relationships/marriages with addicts and/or alcoholics? I believe there is, and that has to come from within, not from what the other person says or does. Of course, once upon a time, I thought just the right combination of words or deeds from "him" would magically bring closure. That was fantasy-thinking at its best.

Today I work my own recovery program, both addictions and codependency. I work on my own steps, including amends. I have no business having my eyeballs on someone else and their "program" of recovery (or lack thereof).

I try really hard to live in the moment, in today. Life is far too short to be stuck in the past, or to be future-tripping!

What are you doing for yourself in your own recovery from the effects his alcoholism has had on you?