I don't know whats Right

Old 08-31-2012, 04:16 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: north port fl
Posts: 7
I don't know whats Right

I have been married for 8 years now, I have a 6 year old son and a step son. About 3 1/2 years ago My husband started giving less and less money towards bills. He still worked the same but now he had nothing to contribute, there was always a reason. That is when I found out he was addicted to pain pills. He started stealing money I kept hidden, large amounts, and I threw him out. For the next few days he would drop money off at the house for me and said he was going into rehab. Then he went to jail, I like a dummy bailed him out since he was taking steps in the right direction. He was gone for a total of 101 days. I let him back home, things were fine for a short while although he still was not working. Then he fell back again, he went to detox around 3 seperate occasions but not back to rehab, he could not get in. I thought since the last time around a month ago that he was clean. He was arrest two weeks ago for driving on a suspended and since he was on probation they picked him up for VOP. He has been in jail a week and a half. I found out that on top of ALL of my jewelery including stuff that special people have bought for me over the past 20 years, the money he stole from me and my son's piggy bank. The cigarettes he helps himself to, all of the business equipment he has sold not to mention thing I don't know about, my brand new weed eater was missing when I went to mow. When he called me a few days ago I asked about the weed eater he just said sorry. I told him that he needs to come clean about everything instead of just letting me find little by little because each time is like day one. He told me about my pool cues, $1200 worth. I was furious and went to the pawn shop, when I got there he owed 3 times what he told me and I found out he had pawned his sons dirt bike and his IPod just a week prior to him getting arrested. Now this is the time I "thought" he was clean. I do not know what is best for my son. Aside from the lies and the stealing, the fact that he makes no money and when he does he spends it on pills, he is a great guy. He is the type to make me dinner, rub my back, my feet, open doors for me etc. But I do not want to be stolen from or used. I know if I did not have my son I would have been gone from the beginning but, is it fair to take his dad away over money? Help me I do not know what is right and what is wrong. By the way I have been taking care of all four of us for 3 years now, I work 2 jobs and full time student, I do not need him but, does my son?
Nickidt1 is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 04:25 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
kmangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by Nickidt1 View Post
is it fair to take his dad away over money?
Do you really think your situation is only about the money? Your husband is a drug addict. That's the issue here and the money (lack of) is fallout from his addiction.

Your son needs a father, not a drug addict. He needs a father in more than just contributing to his existence, but a bonafide good example of what it means to be a man. Until your husband comes clean, is sober, and working a recovery program, he is not going to be able to be a real dad to your son. He is an addict and that is what your son is getting from his father. Face the truth of the situation and do what is in your son's best interests.
kmangel is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 04:37 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
No child needs or deserves an actively addicted parent. No child should have their bank emptied by an actively addicted parent and no child should have a mother worn out from working two jobs to support the family while the father uses drugs.

I'm really really sorry for your situation and your pain, but I have to tell you straight up that it won't stop and it won't get better any time soon.

I watched my son destroy two families, his first with a lovely son and his second with a dear little daughter. He stole, he brought drugs in to the home endangering the child and he was incapable of being a good husband, father or provider because he was (and I believe still is) an active addict.

Take a good read around, it may help you see what may be ahead for you as long as he is using.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you find comfort and support here.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 05:14 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 140
I don't think I could say it any better than kmangel and Ann already have....
kyles is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 05:14 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
No child should be raised in the home where an addiction is present. Your child has already inherited the gene that predisposes him to addiction, plus he has a 50% chance of marrying/living with an addict.

Your son will carry his childhood into adulthood...minor children first...your husband is an adult, his bad choices are his, for every bad action, there is a bad reaction. When he steals from you he is also stealing from your children.

He has a disease that has no cure, he will be an addict all his life, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong recovery program or not....that's it.

Again I say....minor children first, it is your responsibility to do the right thing...for them.
dollydo is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 06:06 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Nickidt1 View Post
I have been married for 8 years now, I have a 6 year old son and a step son. About 3 1/2 years ago My husband started giving less and less money towards bills. He still worked the same but now he had nothing to contribute, there was always a reason. That is when I found out he was addicted to pain pills. He started stealing money I kept hidden, large amounts, and I threw him out. For the next few days he would drop money off at the house for me and said he was going into rehab. Then he went to jail, I like a dummy bailed him out since he was taking steps in the right direction. He was gone for a total of 101 days. I let him back home, things were fine for a short while although he still was not working. Then he fell back again, he went to detox around 3 seperate occasions but not back to rehab, he could not get in. I thought since the last time around a month ago that he was clean. He was arrest two weeks ago for driving on a suspended and since he was on probation they picked him up for VOP. He has been in jail a week and a half. I found out that on top of ALL of my jewelery including stuff that special people have bought for me over the past 20 years, the money he stole from me and my son's piggy bank. The cigarettes he helps himself to, all of the business equipment he has sold not to mention thing I don't know about, my brand new weed eater was missing when I went to mow. When he called me a few days ago I asked about the weed eater he just said sorry. I told him that he needs to come clean about everything instead of just letting me find little by little because each time is like day one. He told me about my pool cues, $1200 worth. I was furious and went to the pawn shop, when I got there he owed 3 times what he told me and I found out he had pawned his sons dirt bike and his IPod just a week prior to him getting arrested. Now this is the time I "thought" he was clean. I do not know what is best for my son. Aside from the lies and the stealing, the fact that he makes no money and when he does he spends it on pills, he is a great guy. He is the type to make me dinner, rub my back, my feet, open doors for me etc. But I do not want to be stolen from or used. I know if I did not have my son I would have been gone from the beginning but, is it fair to take his dad away over money? Help me I do not know what is right and what is wrong. By the way I have been taking care of all four of us for 3 years now, I work 2 jobs and full time student, I do not need him but, does my son?
Welcome to the Board. I see you're from North Port; my brother has a home in Sarasota. I love the Gulf Coast.

As others have commented, your husband is a sick, sick guy. He's an addict. And he will steal, lie, cheat, and manipulate anyone, including you, to get what he wants. So long as he's actively using and is not in recovery, this will continue unabated. The following caught my attention:

Aside from the lies and the stealing, the fact that he makes no money and when he does he spends it on pills, he is a great guy.
If you had a kid sister going through exactly what you're going through right now and she said this, what you would say?

I'm not a marriage counselor, so I'm not going to tell you how to deal with your AH. What I encourage you do is educate yourself. Before you make any sort of decisions that will affect both you and your son, you need to know exactly what it is you're up against. Start with the sticky notes at the top of the home page -- "What Addicts Do" is a must read.

There are some among us that are recovering addicts themselves, and they will no doubt weigh in on your situation. I encourage you to pay attention to them, for they've been on that dark, dark path and have had to do a lot of work to pull themselves out of that self destructive spiral.

This is a critical time for you. You need to have your eyes and ears open. Learn all you can here and attend a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting so you can get support in person.

Hang in there...

ZoSo
zoso77 is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 06:41 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
My xah is on cocaine. He gets supervised visits. He lost custody. My son is 4. Its conflicting. In a way I want my son to see him (supervised only), but my x is in addict world and has a sense of entitlment and delusion and irrrationality...its hard to deal with. I have to. But honestly, if I had all rights (no supervised visits) I don't think I would want my son to see his father unless he was sober/recovery. BUT life isn't black and white. And my son, 4yrs old, wants to see his daddy. So, I have to deal with random 2 hour plays in the park. My x isn't welcomed in my house. My son never knows visits will happen until we pull up and see daddy. Daddy never calls. I have strict bou7ndries to protect my sons well being. But no matter what, my son wants to see him.
story74 is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 08:06 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I was once as confused as you are. I allowed my XAH to see our son even though he didn't pay child support. My twisted thinking was that two wrongs don't make a right. I thought my son had the right to know his father. My son grew up. He now uses with his father. Do I think it was the right thing to do....to let my son spend time with his addicted father? Simply no.

Welcome to SR. There is a lot of collective wisdom here.

gentle hugs.
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 08:23 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Alcoholics/addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents. Your sons are learning how to treat people and allow others to treat them, at home.

Growing up with a sence they don't deserve normal often causes life long problems for adult children of alcoholics and addicts.

Foot rubs or the safety, sanity and security of your children. You decide.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 09:16 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: north port fl
Posts: 7
I want to thank all of you for your words. Zoso I want to tell you, I have done so much research I am sick of it. While my husband was in rehab, I met with people there. I went to alanon/naranon meetings for months. I looked as much up as possible on the computer, then I did my final project in one of my classes on addiction, it was a research paper.
I do not want to share my son but, I do not want my son to resent me. He does not see any signs of something strange with his dad, to be honest I cannot see it either. This is difficult, I hope he has to stay locked up for quite a bit. This will give me time to decide what to do. I know he wants to be clean I just believe his ego will not allow him the help he needs, I always here I can do this I don't need to go away. He has proven several times its not true. Sometime too, I find my self wishing the drugs would take him, this way I would not have taken my son's father away from him. I know that is horrible but this is not easy, I just wish it would all disappear.
Nickidt1 is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 09:39 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
As time goes on and your AH progresses in his addiction your son will realize
that you did not take his father away from him, DRUGS TOOK HIS FATHER
AWAY FROM HIM.

Your husband is in the throes of addiction, and he has already proved just
by what you are missing, jewelry, weed eater, money for bills and food, etc
that his DOC comes FIRST. Not you, not your son, not family life, HIS DRUGS.

This is what your son is learning. As the sober parent, it really is up to you to
show your son, with love, consistency, a quiet serence peaceful way of life
that what his father is doing is not the correct way to live life, not the correct
way to treat those you supposedly love, not the way to treat people period.

No one is saying divorce, but I believe others like myself are leaning toward
a 'legal' separation, wherein you can get an order from the Family Court Judge
for 'supervised visition' by a person who is licensed to do the supervising. And
yes, have your attorney ask that he PAY for the supervised visitation fees.

Children are little sponges and they absorb everything. Your son has absorbed all
of this even though you may not think so. He may not verbally express it, but
he knows something is not right. He feels the tension, he sees how his father's
moods change and how his father disappears, etc

Please think about getting a separation and taking care of you and your son until
such time that your AH has either obtained and is maintaining sobriety for at least
a year, or has shown no inclination to seriously go into treatment and it is time for
you to take the next step toward severing all ties.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 08-31-2012, 09:40 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
EnglishGarden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Addict parents are erratic and confusing to children, so it is best if a child does not live with an addict in the home. The child does not understand the mood swings, the sudden changes in routine, the tension between the parents, and the feeling of dread that pervades the household as the addict obsesses about the next hit and the spouse swallows her anger and pain. It is best if the addict does not reside in the home.

In your situation you are without any legal protections for your child and for you, and it is so important that specific conditions are set and custody issues very clear (if you die tomorrow, will an addict be raising your son?)

I think a legal separation and supervised weekly visits would be a safe arrangement for now. Your 6 year old son is old enough to learn about his father's addiction but it would be best if that comes from a skilled counselor or social worker. That person can explain the medical condition of addiction in a way the child will understand, and a skilled counselor can also explain why living apart from the father is necessary for now. Families of addiction need outside help. Alone, they are lost. They make many mistakes.

I hope you will seek professional help for the very serious situation you are facing. If your husband does not seek recovery, great crisis lies ahead, and your family needs now to find a counselor you can turn to when and if a tragic event occurs. Pill addicts often end up on heroin. And in prison.
EnglishGarden is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 02:46 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: north port fl
Posts: 7
At this point he is in jail I believe for a while, he is facing up to 5 yrs. I believed he was clean when he went in, I hope his gets 11 29 that way when he gets out and goes to meeting the active part of his addiction will be gone. I know he wants to be clean, his words mean nothing at this point but he has spent time in detox and rehab. He would have went back last time to a rehab but he could not get in, if you do not have large amounts of money they make you wait sometimes for months before they let you in. If he gets out in the next few months which is doubtful but anything is possible, he will have to be active in a program for me to allow him here. I do not want my son to think that a man can sit at home while his wife works 2 jobs. My son is very smart and does not need a rollercoaster life. I have always said I would not give up on him if he is trying and I mean truly trying not just talking the talk he needs to walk the walk. I want to be there because I know he is sick but if he is not willing to swallow his pride and realize he cannot do it alone then he does not need to be here. He claims he quit drinking, he quit cocaine so he can quit this to but I keep saying he has not quit anything he has substituted one addiction for another and if he doesnt get the treatment he needs he will just have a different addiction. Everyone has been so helpful and I appreciate everyone of you for your honest words. I just want my son to be happy. I have worried that if he gets out too soon he will screw up again, I almost wish I could talk to the judge. The other thing I have considered is reporting my stolen property to the police and since he pawned it, he would get charges added but I am just not that vandictive no matter how much he has taken from me.
Nickidt1 is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 08:02 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
 
laurie6781's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
if you do not have large amounts of money they make you wait sometimes
for months before they let you in.
Salvation Army has a really great program (rehab) that is about 6 months long and
best of all IT IS FREE!!!!!

If he really wants recovery, he would have found a rehab or gone to NA and found
a sponsor and asked those folks for help.

Again, he was going through the motions, but his heart and soul were not in it. IF
and that is a big IF when he gets out he does start working a program, I still suggest
that he go to a Sober Living Facility to learn from other addicts how to live sober in
society, before returning to your home. In a SLF he will be required to follow rules,
do chores, and GET A JOB to be self supporting through his own contributions.

Again, after a year, if he has been truly working a program of recovery, and his
actions show he is changing for the better, then and only then, if I were you, would
I consider allowing him back into the home.

Right now, his talk of wanting recovery is just that talk, usually called 'jail talk',
again promising any thing to get bailed out or to have a place to go when the person
does get out.

The other thing I have considered is reporting my stolen property to the police
and since he pawned it, he would get charges added but I am just not that vin-
dictive no matter how much he has taken from me.
This would not be 'being vindictive' this would be allowing him to feel the consequences
of his actions. By not reporting the stolen items you are once again 'enabling' the
addict.

I know it is hard, my mom told me just how hard it was when she called the police on
me because I was attempting to break into their home to again 'steal' some items to
pawn. But I can tell you that it was a wake up call of sorts and I did no more stealing,
although at that point it still took me another 2 years and 3 months to find recovery.
Three months prior to that they told me that 'it' was my problem and that until I 'fixed'
my problem they would have no more contact with me. That if I called on the phone
they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, and that if
I attempted to steal from them the cops would be called. They showed me they meant
business.

So after getting out, I moved across country to California, ended up living on the streets
of Hollyweird for 1 1/2 years (a far distance from my upper middle class life) and finally
found recovery.

So having the consequences of his actions (the stealing of your jewelry) come to light
is just another step to him finding his 'bottom'. And your son will also get to see what
happens when a person STEALS. He will also see and as he gets older understand that
his mom is a kind and caring person, but NOT a 'push over' and a person who believes
in doing the next correct thing.

Our children learn as much, maybe even more, from our actions than from our words.
They learn by seeing us 'walk as we talk.'

Your AH has a very long road ahead of him, and it is going to be a very rocky road for
you and your son. Sending healing thoughts and prayers for all 3 of you.

Stay strong. Remember we are now walking with you in spirit, so you are never alone.
Come here 24/7 to vent, to cry, to rant, to rave, to scream, and yes to laugh.

I will also suggest Alanon and/or Naranon. I suggest Alanon because there are in most
areas many more Alanon meetings than Naranon meetings so that it is easier to find
some that fit in with one's schedule. They are a great place to get some face to face
support and to get some phone numbers of folks to call when you are having a 'melt
down' and yes 'melt downs' do happen to the best of us.

So, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very
much.

Love and hugs,
laurie6781 is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 09:00 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Anaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
This would not be 'being vindictive' this would be allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. By not reporting the stolen items you are once again 'enabling' the addict.

I know it is hard, my mom told me just how hard it was when she called the police on me because I was attempting to break into their home to again 'steal' some items to pawn. But I can tell you that it was a wake up call of sorts and I did no more stealing, although at that point it still took me another 2 years and 3 months to find recovery.

Three months prior to that they told me that 'it' was my problem and that until I 'fixed' my problem they would have no more contact with me. That if I called on the phone they would hang up, if I came to the door it would be closed in my face, and that if I attempted to steal from them the cops would be called. They showed me they meant business.
Those are wise words to take in and consider.

I don't regret our choice to press charges against our son (stealing from us, destruction of our property, and then 2 years later, breaking and entering into our home when we were out of town and he was not permitted there). He had been pretty smug with his assumption that he could do whatever he wanted to us and get away with it.

Anyway, I am sending prayers for you, your son, stepson, and husband. I wish you strength to get through this difficult time. Take care.
Anaya is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 09:27 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Nickidt1 View Post

My son is very smart and does not need a rollercoaster life.
Stability in your son's life does not depend on his bio dad.

It's entirely up to you to protect your son from the tremendeous fallout associated with his father's choices, addiction, crimes and consequences.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 09:37 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
washbe2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
I stayed - believing it to be best for my sons. My husband wasn't into stealing, but some drug use and cheating.

It didn't protect my sons. They knew more than I and learned much from their dad in the way of manipulation and cons. I finally left after 23 years.

Today my son is an active addict. I have to ask myself over and over, should I have left years earlier? Would it have made a difference? I still don't know the answer, but I know staying did nothing for my kids.

Good luck and prayers for your family.
washbe2 is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 09:53 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,729
Living with active addiction IS a roller coaster life. Getting him away and into a stable environment as early as possible is the best thing for him. If your husband wants to be a decent father, he can do so without you and your son having to live with the nightmare of addiction.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 10:10 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
kmangel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Since you've tried lots of different things and your husband remained in the home using and abusing drugs, do something different when he gets out of jail. Insist that he live outside the home in a sober recovery facility for several months, perhaps a year, to prove he can stay clean and sober. You don't have to live with him while he proves himself to you. You can still get together as a family. Your husband will need help learning how to live a substance free life and he can better learn these skills away from home. Otherwise, you are likely to re-experience the past. Let him do the work on his own of getting his life together.
kmangel is offline  
Old 09-01-2012, 10:37 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 45
Our number one job as parents is to protect our children from harm. EVERYTHING else comes second to that. Would you allow a stranger in your home who was a drug addict and thief? These are the things that I tell myself everyday in order to protect my daughter from her father's bad decisions. We all struggle here, but we can never go into denial about the reality of our situation, for our children's sake.

My boyfriend grew up in a home with an abusive alcoholic father. Yours is a different situation. However, he still harbors major animosity towards his mother for not leaving his dad earlier than she did. Why? She was not abusive and was the victim of abuse herself. But, it was her job to protect him from harm and she chose to leave her son in that situation. She didnt protect him. He is now learning that she was just as ill as his father, albeit in different ways, and is learning to forgive. But, he still has to deal with the consequences of both of his parent's choices.

I learned from his stories and will not make the same mistake with my daughter. It's not my fault that her father is an addict. But, it IS my fault if I choose to leave her in the situation. He is only allowed to see her when he is clean AND receiving treatment. My boundaries are clearly defined. She may not understand that now, but one day she wil thank me for being strong enough to protect her and she will hopefully learn from my actions that the right thing to do is usually the hardest thing, but you need to be strong enough to do it anyway.

By the way, these realizations came after many mistakes, much soul searching, and the support of the people on these boards among others. We can't change the past but we can certainly change the future.
Learningtodeal is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:13 AM.