Moving on from a relationship with an alcoholic

Old 08-31-2012, 01:34 PM
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Moving on from a relationship with an alcoholic

Hello,
I am new to the board. I am 26 years old, and my soon to be ex boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for 5 years and lived together for 2. Before we lived together, I ignored a lot of signs that he was an alcoholic, but once we lived together, I learned within a week that he was drinking a fifth of jack every day. I was stunned. At first, I let it go, but after a year and a half, I gave him an ultimatum, and now I am leaving him. I found a new apartment, and I am moving in 2 weeks. We have spent the summer living together with the knowledge that I am leaving. It is like ripping off the slowest bandaid ever!

I have been going to counseling and al anon, and I am feeling good about the future. I have no doubts I am making the right decision.

ANyone who has gone through this, I would love to hear what its like after the breakup, and how life has gotten better. I would also like to know what challenges you have faced on the other side.

Thanks!
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Old 08-31-2012, 01:44 PM
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gosh my break up was full of NASTY emails (from him) after the fact...and HE LEFT ME!

its been 2 1/2 years later....wow and what an eye opener...i have been going to al anon just as long...love my program...and i am learning alot just with everyday issues

keep doing what you are doing...listen, read, grow and follow your path...
trust me, it is a good life out there...i work on me and keep myself and children HEALTHY...i set boundaries and limit myself with people....i am no ones doormat...i look out for me now....

i keep myself busy, coffee time with friends, movie with the kids....family and friends stuff....

have you read Melody Beatties "Codependent No More" her journal "Language of Letting Go".....these two books have been my life....along with Courage2Change...

god bless you...
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Old 08-31-2012, 02:01 PM
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Hi there,
It's been almost 2 months since my breakup, it was a really nasty one full of his anger and verbally abusive behavior. I also got some sessions with a therapist and have done some reading on codependency and al-anon, which is helpful.

The biggest challenges for me so far have been dealing with the aftermath of the breakup, the loneliness and anxiety have sometimes made me doubt my own sanity and whether or not I made a good decision. I think it will take me a while to repair my self-esteem as the things that he said to me keep richocheting around in my head like a ping pong ball.

I think the important thing is to remember that you could never control him and his drinking, I'm sure they are teaching you all about that in al-anon.

Anyway you are young and I'm sure you will do fine, keep taking care of yourself and get whatever help you need.

-z
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Old 08-31-2012, 02:56 PM
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Hi & welcome!

After I left my AXH, I rode the wave of adrenaline for a good six months. I was part frightened part elated; I loved living on my own and not having to clean up after anyone else (except the kids); I was ridiculously happy and really dove into life headfirst. I had people over for dinner, I went camping with friends, I did pretty much everything I had wanted to do but that I didn't when I was married.

And then slowly, reality set in -- sort of realizing that even with a few years of Al-Anon and this place under my belt, my recovery was very much ongoing. Some coping behaviors I learned during my marriage surfaced very quickly, others didn't really surface until I got into a new relationship. I find that trust is difficult for me. I find that I'm awfulizing an awful lot and sometimes have a hard time being in the moment and enjoying the great life I do have now because somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear AXH tell me I don't deserve it (because I "abandoned" him) and because I spent so many years in a miserable relationship that... I almost expect reality to be bad.

Not a very bright picture, eh? But it is. Because I've learned an awful lot about myself. If I could go back and redo things, I would rather have lived in ignorance and avoided a marriage to an addict, but the truth is, coming out on this side, I'm a better person. I take better care of myself. I take shite from nobody. I'm learning to stand up for myself. I'm learning to say no. And I'm learning to trust and to not worry. It's a process, but it's going forward.
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Old 08-31-2012, 03:09 PM
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I love my life free of addiction.

I have energy again.

I am not sucked into his vortex of need.

No drama, no chaos, no lies, no craziness.....

I can actually make plans, and not have to worry if XA would be sober enough to accompany me.

Strange, I was never lonely, I was simply elated to be out of such a toxic situation.

Reconnect with friends and family.

I did get involved with a worthy service organization, and I have met so many wonderful people. If you are worried about too much time on your hands, I highly recommend volunteering to a cause that is dear to you. It was and is a great focus for me.

Enjoy YOU, and the new life you are creating for yourself.
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Old 08-31-2012, 03:40 PM
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Originally Posted by dontjudgeme920 View Post
Hello,
I am new to the board. I am 26 years old, and my soon to be ex boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for 5 years and lived together for 2. Before we lived together, I ignored a lot of signs that he was an alcoholic, but once we lived together, I learned within a week that he was drinking a fifth of jack every day. I was stunned. At first, I let it go, but after a year and a half, I gave him an ultimatum, and now I am leaving him. I found a new apartment, and I am moving in 2 weeks. We have spent the summer living together with the knowledge that I am leaving. It is like ripping off the slowest bandaid ever!

I have been going to counseling and al anon, and I am feeling good about the future. I have no doubts I am making the right decision.

ANyone who has gone through this, I would love to hear what its like after the breakup, and how life has gotten better. I would also like to know what challenges you have faced on the other side.

Thanks!
I had a very similar situation to you but we were together for nearly six years and lived together for over five years. I saw the signs but still stayed as I was in denial and when I finally had enough, we ended up living together for a month while he found somewhre to live. It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through as I didn't want him to leave, I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

I don't doubt I've made the right decision but I do miss him. It's not just about feeling lonely, I miss the dreams and hopes I had for us and I'm a bit shell shocked still that we're not together. But I agree with posters here that I don't miss the stress, the worry, the fear and being so tired and anxious all the time.

If I'm honest, I found it a bit like being hit by a sledge hammer and once he was gone, I was bereft. I go through phases but every day it is a little less hard. I swing back every now and then and wonder if I've made any progress but I think that's just the process.

You've done the right thing - you may come to question it in weeks to come but that is also part of the process. I found counselling vital in getting me sorted and keeping busy. Not so busy that I was never alone and never facing up to my feelings but busy enough to feel like I had a life and I hadn't given it all up.

I'm sorry you're going through this but I hope you find this forum as supportive as I have - the idea that lots of people have been where you are, really helped me.
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Old 08-31-2012, 03:42 PM
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Congrats on moving forward and getting off the crazy train ride. You asked a great question of us here.

I have far less stress. Less health problems. And less drama! ; )

But I know that I am in a dark place right now - and have plenty of recovery left for me ahead. I can't fathom trusting a man right now. I am protective of my space and my family; I can't imagine anyone near my kids again. And they are teenagers, not little ones! But still...I struggle with the guilt of exposing them to this craziness and instability...and it may be possible there will be no significant relationship for me until my youngest has moved on to her own life.

But I am happy, and enjoying my free time to learn new things - especially fixing up my little house that is slowly transforming from 1984 to 2012. It feels great to tackle things I've never done before and be successful at it. I have two rowdy dogs that keep me in line and on schedule. And my career is flourishing. It's nice to come home to peace in the house. The only eggshells I walk on these days are those I drop on the floor when making breakfast for a houseful of teenagers. Oh yeah - I have a houseful of teenagers...I had missed that...the kids having their friends over...

I am lonely sometimes, especially when I have great news and no one to tell. I miss sex and intimacy too. I miss having someone to share my life with. But not enough yet to put myself out there. All in good time.

Best of luck to you on your journey. Take good care,
~T
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Old 08-31-2012, 03:44 PM
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On the good side, I have to add -- yesterday, the new man in my life was helping the kids with homework while I cooked dinner, and they were pleasantly bantering at the kitchen table while working.

What I have now that I never had before is normalcy.
And the advantage of having lived through an alcoholic marriage is that what most people take for granted -- such as that scene I described -- it just makes my heart swell. I am so grateful for normalcy.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
Hi there,
It's been almost 2 months since my breakup, it was a really nasty one full of his anger and verbally abusive behavior. I also got some sessions with a therapist and have done some reading on codependency and al-anon, which is helpful.

The biggest challenges for me so far have been dealing with the aftermath of the breakup, the loneliness and anxiety have sometimes made me doubt my own sanity and whether or not I made a good decision. I think it will take me a while to repair my self-esteem as the things that he said to me keep richocheting around in my head like a ping pong ball.

I think the important thing is to remember that you could never control him and his drinking, I'm sure they are teaching you all about that in al-anon.

Anyway you are young and I'm sure you will do fine, keep taking care of yourself and get whatever help you need.

-z

A book I am reading right now has been a godsend! It's called: "A Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It put soo much in perspective. The shock, the anger, the panic...all of it. I recommend it to everyone. I woke up the next day after devouring it with a sense of peace. I still have my moments, it's only been a month, but, my God, this is the book I had been searching for for so long to help me understand why I couldn't let him go for so many years. This book gave me so much clarity.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:33 PM
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Originally Posted by owathu View Post
A book I am reading right now has been a godsend! It's called: "A Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It put soo much in perspective. The shock, the anger, the panic...all of it. I recommend it to everyone. I woke up the next day after devouring it with a sense of peace. I still have my moments, it's only been a month, but, my God, this is the book I had been searching for for so long to help me understand why I couldn't let him go for so many years. This book gave me so much clarity.
Thanks for the recommendation -- I will look into it.
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Old 05-27-2017, 01:05 AM
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Brand new to this need help!

Always heard disease and alcoholism and other words... but never understood until a month ago. Just ended it with "soul mate" and childhood dream guy. I'm 45 he's 48. We reconnected, dated and in just six months it went from heaven to hell. I'm so confused at all that happened.

My brain tells me it's the alcohol, his own family told me to run, I gave him an ultimatum and he picked selfish, crazy, and unaccountable over me.

Even though every friend has told me it's not me, it's him, he still tried to trick me just today into doubting my own sense and reality.

I feel abused and like a train hit me. He had me waiting in him! Apologizing for every argument and making me even do relationship books with him until I proved that we had a strong foundation! And I followed right along thinking I was unworthy of love and had to earn it.

He's been married 3 times, and his trrribke resume goes on from there. I'm textbook victim from what I've learned these past weeks... but finally put my foot down.

My deal breaker was that he refused to take me to his 30 Year Reunion. At first, he said because he wanted to focus on his friends. Then he shouted when I pushed and said, "This not about you! You're not going." Then we I dumped him for the first time (he dumped me 100 and acted like nothing), he sent me crazy email explaining that he can't take me because I'm a risk and I might argue with him. With him! He argues. He manipulates. He gets mean. Then he tells. I yelled back sometimes and got caught in chaos, but what a mind trip.

So selfish. So delusional. And in his mind, justified. I'm a wreck. Please help me.
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Old 05-27-2017, 01:24 AM
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Hi, Hbt, and welcome to SR. First off, I want to mention that this thread is over 5 years old. I'd like to suggest that you start a NEW thread, one of your own, so that people can respond to what you have to say instead of replying to the original 5-year-old post.

You can go about this either by contacting an administrator or moderator and asking them to move your post, or you can simply copy and paste what you've posted here into a new thread if you don't care to type it all out again.

I'd encourage you to read as much in the forum as you can, making sure not to miss the "stickies" at the top of the page. I'm sure you'll see a lot that sounds familiar to you and hopefully will make you feel less alone.

Are you living with him, or do you have a place of your own? Do you have any joint finances? Are you able to simply say "I'm done" and go no contact with him, using your time and energy to work on and heal yourself, or do you have material ties that need to be sorted out too?
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Old 05-27-2017, 10:00 AM
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It's been just over two years for me. For most of that time I spent all my energy working on myself, and was unfortunately in a very depressed haze. When I got to a certain point I realized I needed medication. Antidepressants have been the missing piece in healing and I'm at a really great place now. It gets better! I think about my ex and I realize we were such a bad fit even outside of his drinking, but my codependency kept me with him. I feel so much more my authentic self. I think a lot of work on ourselves is essential after these relationships. I feel like a new person and it took WORK, but it's worth it.
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Old 05-27-2017, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
On the good side, I have to add -- yesterday, the new man in my life was helping the kids with homework while I cooked dinner, and they were pleasantly bantering at the kitchen table while working.

What I have now that I never had before is normalcy.
And the advantage of having lived through an alcoholic marriage is that what most people take for granted -- such as that scene I described -- it just makes my heart swell. I am so grateful for normalcy.
Yes! Normalcy. I feel that a lot wit the guy I'm with. Just laying and watching netflix, no drinking, completely present doing something so simple and normal.
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