The invisible me
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
The invisible me
When I speak, people tend to start talking over me and not always about what's being said.
So i simply stop speaking.
I have often been forgotten in thank you's when part of a group that did something.
I said nothing.
I sometimes, as a child, would simply no participate in events and was not missed by anyone. You would think a missing child in a group would be noticed.
Nope.
Aloneness has been a steady source of reasons for drinking.
Being an outsider in your own life presents it's own set of challenges and issues.
None of which I ever solved by drinking.
Those who grew up in an alcoholic house.... Those that have been through abusive situations, know what it's like to want to be invisible. You're less of a target.
How that translated in adulthood is a rather odd experience.
Being gay is not helping. Filtering every word and action so as not to instigate any personal questions and in turn come out when you don't want to. I promised myself very early on I would never answer dishonestly about who I am if the question was posed directly. I am rather all out in life except work. I could care less in my personal life because that's a choice. Work is different. I must conform.
Still within conformity comes ambiguity.
That's easy for someone no one notices.
My personality is not small. That's the odd part.
This could all possibly be self imposed and while certainly Much is a carryover of learned behavior of past, there is a reality to the consistency in the number of times one can be overlooked before they start to believe in the farce.
This is not a "pity party" as I cannot stand that term.
It is an honest account of my observations. As objectively viewed by myself as possible.
Well, being a drunk only magnified the nothingness of it all.
Being sober will change that maybe. Guess I will have to wait and see. Stay sober.
The immediate need is to focus on me being sober today.
Everything else will get sorted in time.... That's if everything else is even real.... Much of this is from drinking and stopping drinking may make a lot of this go "poof!"
When I have been sober and can predict a few days ahead of me I plan on being noticed.
I won't stop speaking.
I will ask why I did not get thanked.
I will be sure to take from this life what I want.
What else is there to do? Hide?
So i simply stop speaking.
I have often been forgotten in thank you's when part of a group that did something.
I said nothing.
I sometimes, as a child, would simply no participate in events and was not missed by anyone. You would think a missing child in a group would be noticed.
Nope.
Aloneness has been a steady source of reasons for drinking.
Being an outsider in your own life presents it's own set of challenges and issues.
None of which I ever solved by drinking.
Those who grew up in an alcoholic house.... Those that have been through abusive situations, know what it's like to want to be invisible. You're less of a target.
How that translated in adulthood is a rather odd experience.
Being gay is not helping. Filtering every word and action so as not to instigate any personal questions and in turn come out when you don't want to. I promised myself very early on I would never answer dishonestly about who I am if the question was posed directly. I am rather all out in life except work. I could care less in my personal life because that's a choice. Work is different. I must conform.
Still within conformity comes ambiguity.
That's easy for someone no one notices.
My personality is not small. That's the odd part.
This could all possibly be self imposed and while certainly Much is a carryover of learned behavior of past, there is a reality to the consistency in the number of times one can be overlooked before they start to believe in the farce.
This is not a "pity party" as I cannot stand that term.
It is an honest account of my observations. As objectively viewed by myself as possible.
Well, being a drunk only magnified the nothingness of it all.
Being sober will change that maybe. Guess I will have to wait and see. Stay sober.
The immediate need is to focus on me being sober today.
Everything else will get sorted in time.... That's if everything else is even real.... Much of this is from drinking and stopping drinking may make a lot of this go "poof!"
When I have been sober and can predict a few days ahead of me I plan on being noticed.
I won't stop speaking.
I will ask why I did not get thanked.
I will be sure to take from this life what I want.
What else is there to do? Hide?
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Hey jeni!
I know that. Sorry if that's what got conveyed. It was more like the fact that drinking for the last decade reinforced thos youth issues by having nothing now. I feel invisible because of drinking.
I agree... That's going to chage by me changing it.
This is going to be a sober holiday weekend form me
I will be here all weekend. Hope we can connect.
I know that. Sorry if that's what got conveyed. It was more like the fact that drinking for the last decade reinforced thos youth issues by having nothing now. I feel invisible because of drinking.
I agree... That's going to chage by me changing it.
This is going to be a sober holiday weekend form me
I will be here all weekend. Hope we can connect.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Drink used to make me feel a bit like that .
I still am a square peg in a round hole life. Being the passive observer has it's bonuses at times and sometimes i meet others who are of a simmalar disposition .
Othertimes i don't mind being the center of attention when i get up and sing for instance, thats a performance though and is a healthy outlet for being OTT and saying look at me. I enjoy the contrast ,
Bestwishes, M
I still am a square peg in a round hole life. Being the passive observer has it's bonuses at times and sometimes i meet others who are of a simmalar disposition .
Othertimes i don't mind being the center of attention when i get up and sing for instance, thats a performance though and is a healthy outlet for being OTT and saying look at me. I enjoy the contrast ,
Bestwishes, M
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
M... That's cool... The feeling performing must be intoxicating... So to speak.
A passive observer. That's exactly what I feel like. That's not acceptable any longer.
The only active participant in my life is me. Key word needs to be active. Drinking doused many a flame... Time to get a match out a reignite things.
K
A passive observer. That's exactly what I feel like. That's not acceptable any longer.
The only active participant in my life is me. Key word needs to be active. Drinking doused many a flame... Time to get a match out a reignite things.
K
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 604
I was really surprised to read your post Ken, because you're so "visible" here. I notice if you haven't been around SR. Your posts are always thought provoking and interesting, it's hard to imagine you would be that different in person. It's understandable that if you come from a background of emotional upheaval and violence you would want to become more invisible, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that as a child. No person deserves that. I can see that issues surrounding coming out would also create situations where you might sit back and not participate as much.
I'm glad you're going to take more of a driver's seat in your life. The people around you will see what we do, a caring and supportive guy that wants to be included and have happiness in his life. You have a lot to offer! Maybe check your body language when you are communicating. Maybe you are sending conflicting signals? (ie wanting to be open yet talking with arms crossed against chest, or avoiding eye contact?)
Holiday weekend here we come. I swear I hear the Jaws theme playing as the AV approaches lol
I'm glad you're going to take more of a driver's seat in your life. The people around you will see what we do, a caring and supportive guy that wants to be included and have happiness in his life. You have a lot to offer! Maybe check your body language when you are communicating. Maybe you are sending conflicting signals? (ie wanting to be open yet talking with arms crossed against chest, or avoiding eye contact?)
Holiday weekend here we come. I swear I hear the Jaws theme playing as the AV approaches lol
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Fire... Thank you for saying that. I do feel very include here. I love being able to share my thoughts..good bad or indifferent. Thank you for all you support. It makes a huge difference for me.
In fact I look people in the eye when I speak. I used to teach classes so I understand body language. It has always been something that happened... Being overlooked.. So I laugh more when it happens... And it happens more times enough to make me pause. Drinking compounded that feeling. Shame egged me on.
Only I can make it better and I am making it better.
It's more like the soundtrack to psycho when my av is lurking.
Ken
In fact I look people in the eye when I speak. I used to teach classes so I understand body language. It has always been something that happened... Being overlooked.. So I laugh more when it happens... And it happens more times enough to make me pause. Drinking compounded that feeling. Shame egged me on.
Only I can make it better and I am making it better.
It's more like the soundtrack to psycho when my av is lurking.
Ken
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
It sounds like your were the "invisible" or "lost" child in your family. My brother was like that. I was the textbook "scapegoat" of the family. Not to label because no one totally fits into just one framework.
It looks like you are heading in the right direction. I don't think you are blaming the past or in a pity party. It is good to realize what has effected us and how in order to make positive changes.
Take care,
MC
It looks like you are heading in the right direction. I don't think you are blaming the past or in a pity party. It is good to realize what has effected us and how in order to make positive changes.
Take care,
MC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Thank you for this post. It's thought provoking. Your steering the ship Ken. You got this!
I had this bumper sticker that said " Speak your mind even if your voice shakes"........ Your post reminded me of that. Good work!
I had this bumper sticker that said " Speak your mind even if your voice shakes"........ Your post reminded me of that. Good work!
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