Things Are Still Tense
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Things Are Still Tense
So, last week I posted "A Whole New Ballgame" about how she had asked for a divorce, said she would stop drinking until the divorce, and all this came about because she hacked my emails and saw I had spoken with our minister about the goings-on.
Things since then have been tense, but reasonably cordial. She is 'decent' to me in front of our 2 yr old, but I still think he senses something. He's been more emotional and clingy lately, but that could also be his 'terrible 2's' stage. She has not had a drop since that day, which is good.
We have an appt with a marriage counselor in 2 weeks, and I told her she had the choice to go or not to go. She said she would go. She stills feels that all the problems in the marriage are because of me, and that the drinking was caused by me. Yes, I could have done many things differently in our marriage - I am not without fault, but I am working on changing those things. She feels I'm trying to gain sympathy and get a "poor guy" from our priest. That is certainly not the motivation. I told her I was scared of her behaviour and had no where to turn. She said that's no excuse. She said she'll go out now and tell everyone what a sh**ty husband I am, and always have been. I said, "Okay, go ahead."
I've been doing a lot more praying, and asking only for guidance from God, not asking for outcomes and trying to steer the results.
A lot of damage has occurred in this marriage, and I'm not sure it is repairable. If it does work, it will take much time and effort on both our parts. What I want most of all, however, is to protect my son and give him the best possible environment in which to grow up.
People around her mention how they've grown and realized so many things. I'm not sure where/how to start the process of growth. Maybe I have begun just in realizing where some of my shortcomings are and also handing more of my life over to God and let him do the guiding.
I pray for you guys every day, and thank the Good Lord I found this place.
Hope everyone has a nice holiday weekend. (For those of us State-side, of course!). For those across the waters, may you have peace and serenity, and continued hope.
Things since then have been tense, but reasonably cordial. She is 'decent' to me in front of our 2 yr old, but I still think he senses something. He's been more emotional and clingy lately, but that could also be his 'terrible 2's' stage. She has not had a drop since that day, which is good.
We have an appt with a marriage counselor in 2 weeks, and I told her she had the choice to go or not to go. She said she would go. She stills feels that all the problems in the marriage are because of me, and that the drinking was caused by me. Yes, I could have done many things differently in our marriage - I am not without fault, but I am working on changing those things. She feels I'm trying to gain sympathy and get a "poor guy" from our priest. That is certainly not the motivation. I told her I was scared of her behaviour and had no where to turn. She said that's no excuse. She said she'll go out now and tell everyone what a sh**ty husband I am, and always have been. I said, "Okay, go ahead."
I've been doing a lot more praying, and asking only for guidance from God, not asking for outcomes and trying to steer the results.
A lot of damage has occurred in this marriage, and I'm not sure it is repairable. If it does work, it will take much time and effort on both our parts. What I want most of all, however, is to protect my son and give him the best possible environment in which to grow up.
People around her mention how they've grown and realized so many things. I'm not sure where/how to start the process of growth. Maybe I have begun just in realizing where some of my shortcomings are and also handing more of my life over to God and let him do the guiding.
I pray for you guys every day, and thank the Good Lord I found this place.
Hope everyone has a nice holiday weekend. (For those of us State-side, of course!). For those across the waters, may you have peace and serenity, and continued hope.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
We have an appt with a marriage counselor in 2 weeks, and I told her she had the choice to go or not to go. She said she would go. She stills feels that all the problems in the marriage are because of me, and that the drinking was caused by me. Yes, I could have done many things differently in our marriage - I am not without fault, but I am working on changing those things. She feels I'm trying to gain sympathy and get a "poor guy" from our priest. That is certainly not the motivation. I told her I was scared of her behaviour and had no where to turn. She said that's no excuse. She said she'll go out now and tell everyone what a sh**ty husband I am, and always have been. I said, "Okay, go ahead."
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Blaming and scapegoating by the alcoholic/addict is so very typical. I would not expect her attitude or her M.O. to change with marriage counseling. The sooner you realize that THIS is the way she thinks and the way she relates to others, the better off you will be.
Blaming and scapegoating are not just typical alcoholic/addict behavior, it's typical codie behavior as well.
Alcoholics and addicts who work hard at their recovery are able to change their attitudes and thinking. Just as a codie can. Some of that work can include marriage counseling.
The important thing is for us all to focus on what we can change about ourselves to live a more serene life.
The fact is, some alcoholic marriages can be saved, many aren't. I don't see how telling someone "The sooner you realize that THIS is the way she thinks and the way she relates to others, the better off you will be." is very productive or effective. I wonder how that would have been taken by you while you were walking through your pain.
We learn from our experiences and when the pain gets great enough we start to make changes on ourselves. I think OhioDad is doing that and doing a great job at it.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your wife has a medical condition which is permanent. Marriage therapy will be very beneficial to you both if and when that medical condition--alcoholism--is properly treated. Until that time, there is simply no hope for a healthy relationship.
My former alcoholic husband also had weeks, a few months, of white knuckle sobriety after an alcoholic crisis. Because he was not receiving treatment of any kind for alcoholism, he inevitably drank again, and when he did, after those dry spells, it was very, very bad.
Your wife's brain is broken. And that is the brain with which she will be walking into a therapy session.
I would keep my expectations at a minimum.
But you are doing well. You are gaining more and more awareness. You are praying, learning, taking steps to change the status quo. Good job. Take care of yourself and your little child.
And when she gets drunk again, move your child and yourself out of the way of the hell she will create that day.
My former alcoholic husband also had weeks, a few months, of white knuckle sobriety after an alcoholic crisis. Because he was not receiving treatment of any kind for alcoholism, he inevitably drank again, and when he did, after those dry spells, it was very, very bad.
Your wife's brain is broken. And that is the brain with which she will be walking into a therapy session.
I would keep my expectations at a minimum.
But you are doing well. You are gaining more and more awareness. You are praying, learning, taking steps to change the status quo. Good job. Take care of yourself and your little child.
And when she gets drunk again, move your child and yourself out of the way of the hell she will create that day.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
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Not exactly
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I imagine you will do what I have done in the past, which is to work hard on trying to change yourself to accommodate the alcoholic/addict, and she will just go on being who she is.
I am no longer trying to accomodate her and her actions/behaviours.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear CentralOhio, I sure do feel for you. I walked in almost exactly your moccasins many years ago as a young married. I dragged him to counseling---he dropped out after a few sessions---so I continued to go by myself (for my self). The counseling did not "save" the marriage, which was my initial hope, but it did save me and my sanity.
I need to say that my husband was not an alcoholic, but he was a narcissistic personality which was just as bad. We had 3 young children, and I realized that they needed at least one sane and happy parent.
As you are learning, you can't control her or the "monster" disease that is causing havoc inside her brain, but you do have to deal with yourself. A forward plan for your own enlightenment and growth is going to be your liferaft, regardless of whatever else happens.
You are doing fine! You will continue to learn as you go.
dandylion
I need to say that my husband was not an alcoholic, but he was a narcissistic personality which was just as bad. We had 3 young children, and I realized that they needed at least one sane and happy parent.
As you are learning, you can't control her or the "monster" disease that is causing havoc inside her brain, but you do have to deal with yourself. A forward plan for your own enlightenment and growth is going to be your liferaft, regardless of whatever else happens.
You are doing fine! You will continue to learn as you go.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
CentralOhio....
I feel for you too because I've been where you are...
I had a young child (age 3) with my exah when I gradually began to realize and admit that he wasn't just a man who drank too much...he was an alcoholic. Once I admitted this, I then had to really think about what it means to say that alcoholism is a disease. It takes over the person we used to know, it influences their behavior, their decisions, their ability to cope and to love and be in a healthy relationship. Undoubtedly, your wife is doing the best she can but unless/until she wants to change and recover, she will continue doing what she is doing and it won't be because of you...because you weren't a good enough husband or whatever else she may attribute her behavior to. It will be because she is sick and she is doing what addicts do to protect and nurture their addiction. Once I understood all this, I stopped taking it all so personally and that helped.
I applaud you because you are willing to admit that you aren't perfect. You aren't wearing the victim mentality like a shield. That's what I did...for years...and it kept me stuck in anger and bitterness. It wasn't until I could admit that I played a role in the disfunction that I could begin to work on MY part in things. And as I worked on my part and sought to learn a healthier way of living, I started to find some peace and actual happiness in my life again regardless of the fact that my exah continued to feed his addiction.
I think you're doing great.
I wouldn't presume to tell you what your wife will do...or what you will do...in the months to come. We each have our own unique path that we have to follow. We each get where we need to go on our own time...in our own way. The nice part about SR is that we have friends who 'get it' who can walk along side us as we go.
Keep working at it. Keep working on YOU and YOUR recovery. Everything else will fall into place. It will.
I feel for you too because I've been where you are...
I had a young child (age 3) with my exah when I gradually began to realize and admit that he wasn't just a man who drank too much...he was an alcoholic. Once I admitted this, I then had to really think about what it means to say that alcoholism is a disease. It takes over the person we used to know, it influences their behavior, their decisions, their ability to cope and to love and be in a healthy relationship. Undoubtedly, your wife is doing the best she can but unless/until she wants to change and recover, she will continue doing what she is doing and it won't be because of you...because you weren't a good enough husband or whatever else she may attribute her behavior to. It will be because she is sick and she is doing what addicts do to protect and nurture their addiction. Once I understood all this, I stopped taking it all so personally and that helped.
I applaud you because you are willing to admit that you aren't perfect. You aren't wearing the victim mentality like a shield. That's what I did...for years...and it kept me stuck in anger and bitterness. It wasn't until I could admit that I played a role in the disfunction that I could begin to work on MY part in things. And as I worked on my part and sought to learn a healthier way of living, I started to find some peace and actual happiness in my life again regardless of the fact that my exah continued to feed his addiction.
I think you're doing great.
I wouldn't presume to tell you what your wife will do...or what you will do...in the months to come. We each have our own unique path that we have to follow. We each get where we need to go on our own time...in our own way. The nice part about SR is that we have friends who 'get it' who can walk along side us as we go.
Keep working at it. Keep working on YOU and YOUR recovery. Everything else will fall into place. It will.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by PaperDolls
I'm going to play devil's advocate here because I see this here so often, especially lately.
Blaming and scapegoating are not just typical alcoholic/addict behavior, it's typical codie behavior as well.
Alcoholics and addicts who work hard at their recovery are able to change their attitudes and thinking. Just as a codie can. Some of that work can include marriage counseling.
The important thing is for us all to focus on what we can change about ourselves to live a more serene life.
The fact is, some alcoholic marriages can be saved, many aren't. I don't see how telling someone "The sooner you realize that THIS is the way she thinks and the way she relates to others, the better off you will be." is very productive or effective. I wonder how that would have been taken by you while you were walking through your pain.
We learn from our experiences and when the pain gets great enough we start to make
changes on ourselves. I think OhioDad is doing that and doing a great job at it.
Blaming and scapegoating are not just typical alcoholic/addict behavior, it's typical codie behavior as well.
Alcoholics and addicts who work hard at their recovery are able to change their attitudes and thinking. Just as a codie can. Some of that work can include marriage counseling.
The important thing is for us all to focus on what we can change about ourselves to live a more serene life.
The fact is, some alcoholic marriages can be saved, many aren't. I don't see how telling someone "The sooner you realize that THIS is the way she thinks and the way she relates to others, the better off you will be." is very productive or effective. I wonder how that would have been taken by you while you were walking through your pain.
We learn from our experiences and when the pain gets great enough we start to make
changes on ourselves. I think OhioDad is doing that and doing a great job at it.
I read here a lot but rarely comment because too many paint all addicts/alcoholics as hopeless and it isn't true.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by ichabod
Wonderful post. People can learn and change and grow and marriages can be saved. Does it happen often or usually? I don't know, but my RAH and I have both worked our butts off to save our marriage and we are happy. He had to quit drinking and I had to learn forgiveness. He was sober for a year before I started letting go of the resentment I had. He was working hard on his end but I still had/have lots of emotional issues related to the drinking that I had to overcome.
I read here a lot but rarely comment because too many paint all addicts/alcoholics as hopeless and it isn't true.
I read here a lot but rarely comment because too many paint all addicts/alcoholics as hopeless and it isn't true.
We're right at the 1-yr mark & I know what you mean about only just being able to let go. I'm only just feeling secure enough to test the waters emotionally & feel comfortable expecting support & understanding from AH. It's difficult for him to understand the same way it's difficult for me to understand his struggles fully, and I'm working on latent ACoA issues that have triggered by this whole phase in our lives more than anything.
CentralOhioDad - my heart breaks for you & your little boy but I'm glad you found this resource & I can see your growth & strength becoming more apparant with each post. I'm sure your son IS feeling the stress, but some extra hugs & patience & smiles from you will likely go a long way to soothe him. Kids are much more sensitive & aware than we give them credit for, but they are also so very resilient with the right support.
to both of you!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Yes, I agree. It's tons of hard work & there's no promise of anything being permanent unless we both continue to put hard work in making it work out of love & not obligation. But I believe it IS possible.
BUT, sometimes enough is enough IF that A does not want to help themselves
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I can see your growth & strength becoming more apparant with each post.
3 As
AWARENESS
ACCEPTACE
ACTION....
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