MesoFreak

Today I found out some more stuff about last Saturdays binge drinking... man I feel so bad. I am a violent drunk when I get to that point. I never want to touch alcohol again.

Its not that I don't believe in God, I just have a problem with the book that tells us about him. I hope God can forgive me for my sins when I am a drunk...

I accidentally drank a beverage with caffeine and I am hurting from my ulcers/insides; I feel like its pain that is deserved for causing another living thing pain... I feel terrible and am ashamed; as I should be. I don't ever want to be that despicable person again. If God grants me a long life, I wish to never put any living thing through my stupid drunk self again.

I feel unworthy having the things I have right now, but I guess my health isn't the best so I am paying for my sins in some way; at this point I feel fine with that.

WantToHeal

MesoFreak, you deserve everything you have and so much more. You can have so much more. We can't change the past, but we can work in the present and look toward a brighter future. I'm glad you're back!

MesoFreak

How do you learn to forgive yourself? Even if I wasn't there mentally, the person was still me. How do I forgive that?

MesoFreak

I guess its a vicious cycle. You use the booze to forget your issues, then you over booze and create other issues!!!

WantToHeal

That's a tricky one, and it's something I personally am in therapy to address. But we are all merely human with human flaws and fallibility. Every one of us. Now I'm not a religious person by any stretch, but the God I envision in my mind's eye doesn't expect us to be perfect, merely repentant when we have done wrong. He (She?) is a forgiving God. And if God can forgive us, then who are we to argue with God?

Though we can't change the past, I believe it is possible to right at least some of the wrongs we've done. It takes hard work and a well-intentioned heart.

MesoFreak

I have the sweetest lil' girlfriend too.. I have no idea what the hell she is doing with me! People must think she is an idiot

WantToHeal

Same thing with my wife, buddy. She's the one who convinced me to go for treatment. Obviously she sees something in me that I don't see in myself, and for that I am so grateful.

MesoFreak

Glad to hear it bro, glad to hear it. **** I am crying here. I am so pissed at myself, I guess crying is good for you right

WantToHeal

Let it out...yes I believe crying can be cleansing for the soul. But use that anger you have toward yourself, and try to turn it in the direction of something positive. Let it motivate you, because you never want to feel this way again. You want something better.

Dee74

Forgiveness is not an instant process - it takes time.

One of the first steps to forgiveness for me was accepting I did thing things I regretted, but that did not make me necessarily a bad person.

The more I worked at being the person I knew I could be all along, the more the shameful me receded into the distance.

I try now to do good for others, and for myself. I consider that a kind of living amends for those things in my past I'm ashamed of doing.

I don't deny responsibility for the things I've done for a second - but neither am I trapped in the past in a guilt /shame spiral any more.
Try and draw a line in the sand. The past is done...we can't change it.

I can do a lot of good in the world - you can too Meso

I think it would be pretty self indulgent to use the energy we could use for that to endlessly reloop and relive the past.

D

MesoFreak

You know the real stupid/funny thing is I am like I need a drink. Like really?? come brain

MesoFreak

Your right Dee74 and WTH, for me is I hardly let things go, and they repeat over, and over and over in my head. Maybe years later i will forget but then I had probably done something stupid that I regret.

Dee74

Give it time - & try to focus on now MesoFreak

D

MesoFreak

Okay, okay. wheeeeeewww I have regained some composure. I had a lil' break down and am thankful to you WTH for being there. I feel a bit better now.

MesoFreak

Thank you to Dee

WantToHeal

Glad I found you at that moment, MesoFreak! Fate is a powerful thing!

Zee

Hi Meso
You may not think it now, but time does heal.
I was a real b*tch sometimes when I was drunk.
I have proved in small ways that I am not the person that drink made me be.
My step-mum said to me once... "people are more forgiving than you think"
I am grateful for those words. I hope in time you believe in yourself and maybe prove to others your 'real self'.... good luck to you x

MesoFreak

You know, when I am sober I am a nice guy... well I guess I can be very upfront with people, but in general I am nice. I have great intentions for the people around me, and my community. When I get more income I hope to open some non-profits to help, and give scholarships to people in my age group that deserve a second chance at an education but aren't given one because of there past education. I have great plans for the world around me.

I will take this pain, hold it, not forget and work toward a better future for me and those around me. For now, I am going to eat a slice of bread with honey and try to get some sleep, its 4am! Thank you for listening

BruceJ

Your gonna do fine Meso....
Sometimes it takes a heck of a wake-up call for us to see our true condition....for some of us the call is pretty mild....for others its death row....but I guess for most of us its somewhere in between. It really doesn't matter as long as it slaps us hard enough for us to do something about it and not just fall right back into the same behavior when things start going well again..(or fall right back into the same behavior out of self-pity)

Hang in there man....be nice to yourself, that nice young lady, and others today.

Prayers your way.

SSIL75

If you can't stay sober at the moment, please consider letting her go while you work out your problems.