onefootoutdoor

My AH asked for "just one more chance" to prove he was going to get serious about quitting, but he drank again on Monday. So I told him I don't want to be with him anymore, and now he is making this really hard.....literally begging me not to end it, and that he won't make it without his family. He said he is in panic mode now and he can't let this happen.

I already applied for a job, and if I get hired, I'm taking it. I told him I'm not even angry at him anymore, I just want out. Now that I've settled my mind on the fact that I'm getting a job and the kids are going to daycare, I can't see myself staying. I mean, I don't want my family broken up, but I think it already is, so I just need to face it and move on.

How do I follow through with him literally BEGGING me not to? He is near tears talking about it. I don't want to see anything bad happen to him, and I certainly don't want him giving up on life, but again, he is just making this harder than it needs to be. I'm not saying that ending a marriage with kids is easy, but I just can't see how he can be serious now. Somewhere, sometime...he is going to drink, and I am at the point that I can't deal with him taking one SIP! Tired of the fighting in front of the kids, and just plain tired of it for myself. Why does he have to do this?

I know no one has my answer, but I'm just frustrated and needing to vent. Believe me I'd rather not get a job, put my kids in daycare and have a failed marriage, but I also don't want the life I'm living now with him, and I just want to move on, even if it will be hard at first. Is it just the alcoholism talking? I don't want him to hurt himself. I just don't think I could handle that.

suki44883

He feels threatened, so the Addict 101 course book tells him to cry and plead and beg and promise. It's all quacking. He will say anything to get you to keep the status quo.

You, on the other hand, sound like you have had enough. Once you have had enough, it doesn't really matter what they say or even what they do. You are just done. Sounds like you are there.

No one says you have to divorce him right away. Getting a job, getting away to your own place will give you time to unwind your brain from all this chaos. Chances are once you have had some time away from him, you will begin to see just how crazy it all was. You'll wonder why you stayed as long as you did. It's okay! You are going to be okay. Keep moving forward. A brighter life for you and your children is in sight. Keep moving forward.

laurie6781

Of course it is the alcoholism talking. You are taking his nice 'cushy' life style away from him and he has to protect his drinking AT ALL COSTS so will promise anything, will cry, beg, plead, and when that doesn't work, look out because the other side of the coin is very mean, spiteful, name calling.

As was said, you don't have to divorce right away. This is just you and the kids getting away to a safe, sane, peaceful, and serene, place to live. To give you time to work on you and heal and give him time to do whatever the hell he wants.

His words DO NOT MEAN ANYTHING. Watch his ACTIONS. His words are QUACKING, plain and simple.

Sounds like you have reached your 'enough is enough.'

Remember, we are here for you and we are walking with you in spirit, you are not alone.

Love and hugs,

EnglishGarden

If you keep staying, he keeps drinking.

They listen to what we do.

It is all right to face reality and make necessary changes. And maybe, eventually, one day, when he is not being enabled in any way, he will, too.

I hope you have a peaceful new home.

Kiana

I kid you not...my xab once told me in his own words that their collective unspoken MO is that they consciously figure they have at least 4 last chances, and that they crank up the begging, pleading, tears, "sincere" promises, and reverse psychology with each coming last chance, and that they don't even begin to take the "it's over" statements seriously even when separated until at least after last chance #4 because they figure they can manipulate and say things to work their way back in...and when they figure their lies and manipulations might be starting to wear a bit thin and they do actually see the real end nearing by chance #4 or so, that they already have long been setting up the next relationship to conveniently step into when it's actually over...and that when it's actually over the reason they can walk away and never look back is because they weren't emotionally involved, that they are only protecting their comfortable-to-them drinking lifestyle.

Yeah, very cold and calculating under all those tears, pleadings and promises.

It's ok, and good, for us to make decisions and changes based on what will create a healthy environment for us and our children.

NWGRITS

One of my favorite sayings here is "Plug your ears and open your eyes." Words from an A mean nothing. Their actions will tell you everything you need to know. He's going to say whatever he knows you want to hear to get you to stay. You already know that amounts to bupkis, so don't even bother listening anymore. Take the kids and get out. Live separately and let him figure out what his priorities are. Just don't be too shocked or take it personally if you're not at the top of the list. He's an A, which makes his next drink his biggest priority.

Seren

What concerns me here is his statement that he can't let this happen. It's almost a veiled threat to do something desparate.

It's all manipulation.

We really don't have to subvert our every happiness and joy just to "save" the alcoholic. You have tried to help him before and nothing changed, right? If you stay, I don't believe anything will change now. Please believe that you deserve peace and joy--your children deserve to grow up in a home without an active alcoholic. Good luck with the job!

sweetteewalls

I believe he believes what he is saying in the moment. Of course he doesn't want to lose his family, but my mistake with my separated AH is that I always listened to his words and promises, rationalizations...anyone with a heart can be empathetic. You have to focus on you and children. My AH is ACOA and I see the damage that was done to him and I don't want to inflict the same issues on my kids. My daughter will have to deal because her dad is an A, but she won't have to live with his chaoos because she is in my peaceful home and visits him. I am her strength. She only has me...you need to look at it like that. Don't stop loving him, just love yourself and your children enough to remove yourself from that turmoil.

I went through your same deal and I went back so many times and even through 9months of sobriety...but that was me with my blinders on...I knew the disease, I knew I shouldn't have taken him back until he had been sober for years and until I had healed as well.

You can do it! You will surprise yourself with your strength! xoxo

myfreedom

Onefootoudoor, I am living the exact same thing. My Ah of eleven years has had too many chances. Says everything you want to hear. I left for a couple months last year. He said he would do what it takes to keep is family. He realized what his drinking had caused, that his kids were more important than booze. I went back and then his thoughts were: it wont hurt if I only have a few, as lonv as I don't get mean, what does it matter and it continues. Nothing has changed. He grabbed me for the last time a week ago. Told him yesterday that I am done and want out. I have no feelings left inside. So he leaves on his motorcycle at 1pm(no license 2nd dui) comes back at 4:00 to tell me that we will sit down like adults and talk about who gets what,etc. Can easily see he was drinking. Turns around and leaves again till 1am. Heard him come in and within 15 minutes he was passed out on the living room floor. Please don't fall for the sob story. Leave with your kids, have peace and see what his actions are. Give yourself time to heal from all of the nonsense. Good luck

dollydo

Most are drama queens, can turn on the tears at the opening of the curtain.

He is attempting to manipulate you, do what is best for you and your children.

lillamy

Exactly.
You already know that.
Don't let him replace your truth with his manipulation.

Milly39

Onefoot - they are master manipulators.
I kid you not.
They will plead, beg and cry to try and get you to " give them another chance"
I heard all the quacking BS when I told AH I wanted him to leave. He threw everything at me to try and get me to change my mind, EMOTIONAL blackmail at its best.
Don't fall for it - stick to your plan.