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I don't fit in with "normal' people :(

Old 08-30-2012, 10:08 AM
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I don't fit in with "normal' people :(

Last night I went to a book club meeting that is comprised of women with whom I went to graduate school, with whom I am not really friends outside of the book group (but most of them are in the same circle of friends). I always tell myself to become better friends with these women, because they are "stable" and "normal" and not at all like my party friends whose lives are crazy and revolve around drinking.

Well, I mostly listened to them talking and tried to find ways to contribute to the conversation but felt really out of place and honestly just plain bored. They spent half an hour discussing all the different furniture stores in town and where they could find armoires that were neither too rustic nor too modern. :rotfxko I'm more of a goodwill hunter when it comes to furniture and felt I had nothing to contribute at all and also that the conversation was like something out of a John Updike story.

I felt weird. At least when we talk about books I can totally relate to everything (I'm a book nerd) and that's why I like the group and try to read the books and go to the meetings when I have time... but otherwise I feel out of sorts.

The weird thing is that I did have some things I could have said-- at one point they were talking about trying to adopt kids, and I have adopted siblings (but felt like I shouldn't say anything because it's a different situation and I have no idea what it feels like to try to adopt kids of my own, or the circumstances behind why they were trying/needing to do it, and didn't want to pry). At another point they were talking about how all their bosses were mean and yelled at them and I have definitely had that happen in the past (but now I'm my own boss and I had to refrain from gloating, "I don't think you HAVE to put up with that as part of the job/career... you could always try working for yourself..."). But I kind of felt like they wouldn't even care what I had to say or they didn't even want me there. I felt like when I said something they would look at me funny.

I was invited to the book group quite awhile ago by a woman from school that I kept in touch with over Facebook and email--she is my closest "friend" in the group but we are not even very close and I feel like some of the other women don't even want me there-- I don't know if this is just low self-esteem or an accurate taking of the temperature of the group. In graduate school I was a big partier and these women weren't, or else they were for a little bit but then they got married and grew up or whatever, also they have rich families and/or husbands and most of them are from this city since childhood, and I moved here for graduate school because it was affordable and I had to pay for everything on my own, I am not rich by any means... so I just feel like we come from different worlds and they know it.

These women can easily have a glass of wine or beer during book club and that's it for the night (sometimes they don't even finish their whole drink-- wowza!). I obviously didn't drink, didn't even want to really, and was thinking that in the past I'd have "a glass" of wine to "loosen me up" and help me feel more comfortable with these women, but soon I'd start blabbering about silly things and have another glass of wine and then want to go out with my boyfriend or "other" friends to keep drinking.

I feel abnormal and different and I wish I could just be normal. :-/ I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and try to get to know people without caring too much what they think about me. But in reality I am very far from that and I feel so discouraged that I don't even want to try. Any suggestions??
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:17 AM
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So other than talking about books, you think these women are boring. Maybe they really are boring and you aren't? Maybe you could find something else to do? It sounds like it's not good for you to be there, at least not right now.

Just my .02.

*hugs*
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:19 AM
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if you think they are boring, then maybe find something else to do, im not criticizing, but i think id go up the wall if i did something boring lol x
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:19 AM
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Pigtails, it sounds to me like you're second-guessing everything. For example, your input about being the sibling of adopted children could have been interesting and helpful to someone who is thinking about adopting. I think you will become more comfortable in your skin as time goes by.

That said, I no longer enjoy being in groups like that, where I am not quite close with at least some of the people. I used to do that, for many years actually, and I never liked it, so now I say 'No, thanks' and do something I'd rather do. It could be that you just don't connect with any of the women and the group doesn't work for you.
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:23 AM
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First, hurray for you for going outside your comfort zone!!!

Second, you sound very normal to me. Except for loving to read I doubt I wouldve had much in common with those women either.

Perhaps you should ask yourself if you were wishing you werent there versus them thinking that?

I've noticed the longer I socialize without alcohol the more I see that sometimes I don't have much interest in some people or gatherings, and when I drank, I assumed it was my fault.

Maybe it is no one's fault, it just is?

You seem to be a wonderful person. Perhaps you need to keep trying different things till you find your tribe? And keep alcohol out of the equation.

Anyway that's my plan. I know it is hard. Your post helped me feel less alone in this experience, btw. Thank you! And keep going! :-)
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:27 AM
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Sorry to hear that you had less than a good time. I do not think that your experience is anything too uncommon though. I have often times found myself in groups that shared different interests or with some individuals that I simply did not find interesting. They probably felt the same way about me and that's ok. My wife and I never had kids although we've been married for more than 18 years. I can't tell you how many "kid stories" we've heard over the years. Although we are fine with them, we really don't have anything to add and probably can't really relate to them. That's ok!

I think it is a great idea to stay social and meet people just like you are doing. I'm sort of an introvert but know that we are wired for our own good to be social. Most interactions won't bloom into great friendships but a few will. Those few are worth the effort IMO.

Ironically, with the exception of one paragraph, I do not read anything in your post that would make me think this is related to alcohol or addiction. Others may disagree with me and they may be correct. However, I think your story could just as easily been posted on any number of websites. Sounds very "normal" to me.
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:30 AM
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I always feel that way too - like I just don't fit in anywhere. I know that a lot of it is my own insecurity but that realization doesn't help the situation.

I think that you should give it another try or two to go the the book club and actually get involved in the conversations. It seems that there were some topics you could have chimed in on. See if that loosens you up and warms the other ladies up to you. I know its hard to do that but you are keeping sober - nothing is harder that that so I know you have great strength & resolve.

If after you give it anothere try you still feel uncomfortable then maybe you do just need to seek out different groups.
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Pigtails, it sounds to me like you're second-guessing everything. For example, your input about being the sibling of adopted children could have been interesting and helpful to someone who is thinking about adopting.
Absolutely. My daughter is adopted. I love talking to people who have experienced adoption—especially if they experienced it from a different perspective.

Pigtails, can you please explain to me what a normal person is? Have you actually met one? They're like leprechauns to me. I hear about them now and then, but I have yet to see any.
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Old 08-30-2012, 10:53 AM
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Pigtails, it sounds like these women just don't really interest you and you feel like they "should" so you can be "normal". I think your reaction was more normal, I'm bored, I can't relate to most of what these people are talking about, and why should I be here? I do agree that you may have some valuable things to say re adoption, or work, and you should respond if you have something to contribute. That's how they get to know you, and you would probably feel more included. Maybe you can find another book club with more like minded people.

I joined a club to meet people years ago and couldn't relate to most of them at all. I could make small talk, but it felt like a waste of time to be going to the activities because I wasn't having fun. I met one very good friend there, and we ditched the group and are still friends to this day. You may have to try on different things until you find a good fit. There have to be some stable and "normal" women in your area that still like to have fun!
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Old 08-30-2012, 11:54 AM
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I think you're internalizing too much stuff, too much, in social situations. I have trouble with that too.

Also, all of this stuff you feel inside, everyone else feels that way at some time or another, but since it's on the inside, people don't see it and you look "normal" to others. I remember a sociology professor talking about how everyone has a "stage" and a "backstage" in our lives and, by nature, we tend to compare our "backstage" to everyone else's "stage". Thus leading to feelings of inferiority.
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Old 08-30-2012, 12:28 PM
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(((((Pigtails)))))

Sounds like the wrong book club to me. I went through that too in early recovery, I had to try 4 different book clubs to find one that I sort of felt a wee bit comfortable in at first. Yep I am book nerd also, rofl, but now I have my Kindle, so my book shelves are only filled with truly 'special' books, lol

They sounded boring to me too. There has to be more than one book club in your area, put out some 'feelers' and see if there are more.

I commend you on getting out of your 'comfort zone', as I do understand how hard that can be.

BTW I too shop thrift stores and resale shops, lol We have one really great shop here, that I have picked up some really lovely pieces from. I picked up a Hutch from her, that I gladly paid $200 for because it was beautiful, and I loved the wood, and it had been very well cared for, and and and, etc

Had it appraised her a while back when I was upgrading my house insurance. It was a good thing I was sitting down when I read the appraisal ......................... $3,500. I choked. Turns out it was hand made by a well known artisan, of Mexican heritage, living here in the U.S. somewhere between 1842 and 1870 when most of his furniture was made. Go figure. I just knew I loved the piece and I loved the 'look' of it, not too ornate, but with some lovely carvings on it.

Also gave me some appraisals on some of the other 'good' quality things I have purchased in the last few years from Thrift Shops and resale shops and they were all incredible too.

I am a firm believe in buying 'used' on many things, especially furniture and vehicles. My goodness you buy those items new and as soon as they are out the door of the store or off the car lot they have depreciated in half.

Sounds to me like you are moving forward in your recovery. Don't give up on finding new outlets, that, like recovery, takes time.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-30-2012, 12:51 PM
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Thanks everyone. I guess this has to do with trusting myself and my instincts/intuition better. I do tend to internalize and second-guess everything. On the one hand I would like to get better at being myself and contributing to conversations no matter who I'm with. On the other hand, most of these women ARE boring and I think there's a reason I didn't hang out with them much in school... I tend to over-think things and therefore assume it had to do with my drinking, but it was probably also because we just didn't have much in common and they weren't my kind of friends. It's so hard to know who I should be friends with and why because in the past my friendships tended to revolve around drinking.

Honestly the books they have been picking have been really stinking... I keep thinking of finding another book club anyway that is more in line with the kind of books I want to read. I know I could go more often and suggest my own books (I've started to try to do that and have been ignored but to their credit, I only come sporadically and don't contribute much so it only makes sense that their own suggestions are given bigger priority).

I think I will try to strengthen the friendship with the woman who invited me to the group and who is the one I may have some things in common with and like the best. But not worry too much about the other women, and only go to the book club when it's a book I really want to read, or otherwise just drop it.
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Old 08-30-2012, 04:50 PM
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People that have not been through the same hell as me, bore me too.
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Old 08-30-2012, 06:46 PM
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I use to feel that way, but then I would really LOOK and see that they were all talking about things that were superficial.
I realized that I can't talk to my old friends, they all talk about shopping, their nails, their husbands, etc... I am not that person!!

I need stimulating, philosophical conversations, and they just don't do it for me anymore!!!
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Old 08-30-2012, 06:56 PM
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I keep thinking about that scene from "Little Children" with Kate Winslet... They were discussing the book "Madam Bovary" ... those very boring vanilla one dimensional women in the club and Kate Winslet took them waayyyy outside their comfort zone. LOLOLOL...

Maybe spice things up a little?

Well, maybe not... relax Pig, like Laurie said, good for you!!!!, getting outside your comfort zone... that's when growth happens. You have a lot to offer, you will find our place.
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Old 08-30-2012, 06:58 PM
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These women do not sound very interesting to me - but I am not interested in furniture, shopping, nails and lunches
It takes a lot of strength to step out of your comfort zone. I find that as I get older, and am sober longer, I am pickier about with whom I spend my free time. I like the book clubs - but I don't like most of the people there either
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:27 PM
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What's so great is that you're paying attention to your feelings - that's good! It's like you're finding out who you are, what you want, etc...

The thing is, no one is "normal" really..... Those women most likely have the same kind of deep hurts and fears that we all do. They may be using their status/money/clothes or whatever, to hide, just like we did with alcohol.

I like the idea of getting to know your friend a little better, like one-on-one. You said you didn't like the books they choose - can you suggest something that is more interesting to you?
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:10 PM
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Originally Posted by soberbrooke View Post
I need stimulating, philosophical conversations, and they just don't do it for me anymore!!!
I'm with soberbrooke 100% here. A lot of my old friends and work associates rarely go past what they watch on TV, else it's a bunch of salacious gossip. I want something deeper, more meaningful than all that.

Also, what artsoul writes about you getting to know yourself is prescient. I had no idea how little I really knew myself when I started this process. It would not be an exaggeration to write that I have learned more about my true self in these past five weeks that I learned during a whole year before that. It's a little overwhelming, but enormously satisfying.

On some level, I think confused and distracted is the new, modern "normal." Those of us on this journey to sobriety, recovery, however we think of this process, are seeking something more richer and more fulfilling.
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:26 AM
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One of the nice things about having our wits about us is that we get to use those wits to figure out what we do and do not like in life! It sounds to me as though you've made a good start on this by realizing that these women bore you, which is excellent progress. Soon you will learn not to doubt yourself. It is okay to feel how you feel!
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Old 08-31-2012, 06:50 AM
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My yoga practice helped me get comfortable in my own skin, and once I was there, it became much more natural to relate with/to other people. It's been a real blessing.
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