Anon12

hi, i've been having counselling after ending things with my XABF of nearly six years. My counsellor, also does grief counselling, and has suggested it's time for me to let go and do something symbolic to mark the end of the old, and start of the new.

The idea is to write a letter to my X saying I did the best I can and that I now need to move on and I'm letting him go. Then she suggested going somewhere nice where we hadn't been together and putting the letter in a bottle and sending it downstream or tying in to a balloon and letting it float up. You get the gist!

I'm bit paranoid about someone finding my letter though - anyone done this at all and have any suggestions about how I could do it? Could I burn it and if so, any suggestions of how to do this safely outdoors?!

Sorry if this seems a daft thread but any suggestions welcome. Thank you for reading.

Sungrl

Congratulations on the beginning of a new life. Your idea is a great one and I hope it helps you heal. Maybe use initials instead of names if you are afraid of someone finding it in the future. I don't see why you couldn't burn it as well after you have written it. Anything that helps you get over this hurtful painful time. You put in six years and you do whatever you are happy with to move on. I wish you the best. I was only 2 years in with my AB (working very hard to make him an XAB) and I don't think I will ever be the same person. I have endured some of the most painful episodes as I am sure you have as well. We deserve better!!

Anon12

Thanks Sungrl. Hadn't thought about using initials which is a great idea. I think i'd prefer to send it off somewhere than accidentally set light to a national park or something...! Sorry to hear you have been through such a painful time. Hope things are resolved for you soon.

Confetti

That is a great idea! Congratulations on your new beginning.
I'm not sure what kind of area you live around, but you could always a) burn it in a stainless steel sink (provided it isn't too many pages) or go to a campsite or area with fire pits and burn it there. Then you could send the ashes downstream or off into the wind.

JustaBloke

I like the idea of putting it in a stream or river... The water is therapeutic to me. If someone finds it oh well, they will learn a little something about compassion and healing.

Go for it and congrats on moving on.

Fathom

Me, I would vote no on the balloon because I've already personally picked up hundreds of them out of our local waters. Likewise, I would choose a glass bottle over plastic for floating down a stream. But, really, I think my favorite idea would be to build a fire in my wood stove... Maybe kindle it with some dried lavender bundles... And enjoy the warmth and serenity of my new life. Okay, it's official. I'm borrowing your idea!

Peace,
Fathom

sweetteewalls

I love this idea as well...great thread.

android1

My plan when the divorce is over is to go vist my mother in Hawaii and toss my wedding ring in the Pacific Ocean.

I want to write her a letter, but right now if I did I would want to give it to her. So maybe I'll write a letter and toss it in the ocean. But perhaps tell my story to a third person, instead writing it to her.

ZiggyB

this sounds like a great idea... although I might be more tempted to burn it myself and perhaps scatter the ashes into the wind.

CentralOhioDad

Sell the ring for the value of the gold (gold prices are going up!), and then but yourself a nice new watch and enjoy your new "time" in life!

m1k3

I'm going to sell my wedding ring and some other assorted jewelry and then use the money to buy myself a nice present. Don't know what yet but something I wouldn't have bought if I didn't have the "found" money.

For me, I did my writing in a journal and now it is tucked away in my closet. I'm not too concerned about someone finding it as I can hardly read what it says and I wrote it!

Your friend,

SoaringSpirits

Oh my gosh, I'm laughing so hard at your thread and the timing of it! This is what happened to me just yesterday.

My advice to you: Have a fire extinguisher handy. Or go somewhere with lots of cement. And don't be an idiot like I was.

I met with my therapist this week and we talked about my struggles to let my marriage really, truly go. Grieving and all that. She suggested I write a letter and then have a little ceremony by myself where I burn it and I really meditate on letting things go.

So I did. I wrote that letter and stood on the front porch yesterday and burned it. Watched the letter catch fire, the smoke float away. Visualized letting go. I did this carefully over a metal pan. Then I sat on the porch and closed my eyes and meditated.

While meditating, I was vaguely aware of a campfire smell. "That's strange," I thought, "they must be doing burn piles in the vineyards." I kept meditating.

My Higher Power was screaming "They DON'T DO BURN PILES IN AUGUST!"

I kept meditating, thinking "It smells like pencils out here."

My Higher Power was screaming "There is no reason for it to smell like pencils out on your porch!"

I opened my eyes, and MY FREAKING PORCH DECK WAS ON FIRE!

Holy smokes! Literally! I sprinted inside, grabbed a pitcher of water, and ran out to put it out. An ember from my letter had lodged between the boards of my wood porch decking and it smoldered big time, then caught fire. It burned a 3x5" hole in one board dead center on my front porch, a scary, nasty, ugly hole that I've covered up with a rug. It took hours for my heart to stop pounding. All this happened right in front of me. What an idiot I am.

I thought about this scary incident all day, was quite shaken up. I found it ironic. The smoke and fire was a lot like my life with AH, I smelled smoke and denied it. And denied it. Then once things were on fire, I was pulled out of denial in a hurry. But the damage was done.

seek

Yes, be careful burning! I have a fire pit and I burn my fears a lot, along with sage to cleanse and purify and transmute. But if I didn't have a fire pit, I would use a metal bucket and make sure you are in a safe place to do the ritual. I pray before all rituals - pray your intention and then do the ritual. I think it is a wonderful idea . . . the balloon would be good - you could type it and use initials and then set it free . . .

Good luck.

seek

As someone who usually only writes while in pain, I had a lot of journals full of horrible, painful stuff. I burned them all. From a Feng Shui perspective, it is not good to keep negative stuff in your environment.

lillamy

Just don't expect it to be a big one. I tried selling mine but was offered less for them than a new similar wedding band cost. So I decided to keep them and, when I have the money, have them remade into pendants for my kids. My jeweler assures me that with the temperatures necessary to melt the gold down, ain't a single bad thing gonna survive.

Anon12

Thank you for everyone's tips - soaringspirits, your post made me laugh. That was my fear!

My counsellor suggested going somewhere beautiful so I've found a nice spot near me that my XABF never went with me and i'm going to take a glass bottle and a means of burning the letter safely and if one doesn't go accordingly to plan, use the other!

I'd like to claim I'm really sorted and wanting to move on but I'm still a bit of a mess about things but I realise I need to move on with my life. I'm not going to make things work out in our relationship by sitting around feeling sorry for myself and waiting and hoping. I need to let go of the hopes I had and leave it up to the gods. If it's meant to be, it will be, and if it's not, which it more than likely is sadly, I don't want to waste another year or more wishing for something that isn't tangible.

Thank you for cheering me up!

itsmylifenow

I believe visualizing the letting go is a good one. I have used lots of different things.

I have written names in the sand on the beach and watched as the water washed it away.

I have visited places an ex and I went one time and totally immersed myself in every memory I could think of. Took all the good, the bad, the pain...then as I left each place I took deep breaths and let it all go.

I must say I like burning things! Nothing like watching your past go up in flames.

I also have taken some anger out on a few things xabf gave me. I found smashing a tin dollhouse was quite therapeutic, as sorry as I was to ruin the dollhouse!

The one thing I haven't done though is get rid of my negative journals. I have quite a few from the past 3 years. I often use them to look back on, to gauge where I'd been, see how I'd moved forward..or backwards. Mostly, I think I used them to remember things he'd said and when he'd done something. This would be a big step for me to get rid of them.

I was thinking it would be appropriate to write the letter then send it off in a beer bottle. Although smashing the bottle sounds like it would feel better overall - I've got some anger still

However you decide to do it, it's all about the process. Just let it all go.

Anon12

Thanks for all your feedback. I went today armed with a bottle of water and with a little steel tin to burn the letter. I headed to a really beautiful spot on the top of a hill a short drive away where my X and I had never been. I found a little bench overlooking the view. It started to rain (of course!) and I wrote my letter, short and sweet, and then I burned it in the steel tin. It wouldn't quite burn the whole lot and took forever to actually get to ashes (reminded me of me clinging on to dear life to our relationship even though all the signs were there) and then I threw them out into the ground.

Annoyingly walking back I then found a much more secluded bench further along where I wished I'd done it! So I sat down and almost said my piece to my X, like a conversation I will never have with him but helped me get a few things straight in my head.

No bolt from above yet (was naively hoping for some immediate physical feeling of relief) but I'm going to try and have a day now where I do what I want to do and try and stop worrying about what could have been.

Thank you everyone for your support and I hope everyone has a better day today than the one before.