android1

My soon to be exAW told me tonight in an email that she misses me. Well she said "I miss you, and I'm sorry to say that."

I felt at first that I missed her too and for a brief second I thought maybe there is hope. Haha, yeah right!

I replied that I missed her to. I don't really think I do, but there are times. And I said that divorced is the only way we will both be happy. She has said she was happy in our marriage, yet she drank nonstop and treated me like crap. And to top that off cheated on me twice in our 1.5 years of marriage. And has the "person she is in love with" living with her now. He is about 5% of the man I am. Just out of prison, no car, no job...lol

Anyway she told me it was the only way I would be happy, not her. " I don't want this divorce but as always whatever you want."

WOW! I am still shocked at things like that. As always I wanted my wife, the love of my life to tell me she was in love with another man? I wanted my wife to ne sick all the time because she drank to much for days on end?

I want to yell all that and more at her. But I have been keeping quiet when she emails me things like that. So far we are agreed on the divorce and I want to get it over. After that God help me if she says anything like that. I will lay it out to her in cold hard facts. I tried to save her and her daughter. I was a good husband and step-father.

But you can't save some one. They have to save themself.

Tuffgirl

And you'll be a good husband and father/ or step again to some lucky lady in the future, who is healthy enough to appreciate you. This one is not.

android1

Thanks Tuffgirl, I know I will. I can't wait to get this behind me. My future looked so dark for the last year of our marriage. Now my future looks wide open, anything is possible. That is a good feeling!

discTosser

Has she stopped drinking? Does she really mean what she says?

As someone on the other side of that argument. (Trying to save the relationship, the alcoholic)

I can say that I'm 100% serious about doing my program properly. Whether my partner comes back or not i'm commited to improving my life.

If her actions are showing a change in behaviour and thinking (and you still have feelings for her), i think all relationships should be given a chance, we give up to easy these days.

Ive learnt something recently: we dont say sorry to get someones forgiveness(and feel better about ourselves), we say sorry to acknowledge our behaviour was wrong and we are commited to changing it.

discTosser

And sorry re-reading your post. She is living with another guy. If she is still drinking... It's called manipulation, addicts and alcoholics are very good at that. If she does want a relationship she needs to show commitment.

Otherwise good luck.

OhBoy

My AW told me the other day that she is happy with our marriage. I couldn't freakin believe it! How could ANYONE be happy in our situation? She is never home because she is out drinking & when she is home, she's drunk & texting or yapping to someone on her phone. She has (is) cheated on me & every time we talk, we argue. I know why I'M not happy in our marriage! I couldn't figure out why she would say that! As I thought about what she said for a few days, I came to the conclusion that I believe she IS "happy" with our marriage. At least she gets what she needs. I provide a house, food & stability but more importantly I am there to get angry, frustrated, depressed, yell, lecture & everything she needs to give herself a reason to drink. As long as I can be dragged into her chaos, I am providing the thing she needs most, a reason to drink!

My AW used to just stay home & drink. I started to change when I found SR & started going to Alanon. That's when things started to get really crazy. Now she stays out till early in the morning about 4 nights a week whether she has to work or not & that's when she started cheating, or at least that's when she couldn't keep her lie intact anymore. They NEED chaos. They need to feel it so they can stay in their alcoholic state. unfortunately, we are often no more than another part of the chaos they need. No more, no less. Just a screwdriver in the toolbox to be used when needed & not given another thought about until we're needed again.

It's so sad to see someone you love, or at least used to love, get caught up in this disease & change so drastically. Inside them is a caring loving person that the disease won't let go.
OhBoy

keepingmyjoy1

Of course they miss us...we make their life style possible. We pay the bills, take care of stuff that comes up, and they get to continue to drink without responsibility. Yup, they miss us big time! Glad you are taking care of yourself the best you can.

Smallsteps

I think by the time most of us come to this board, we've already given a million second chances, and we're just worn out.

There is NOTHING easy about living with an alcoholic. An alcoholic will suck the very soul from you if you let him.

lillamy

Yup. I heard that one, too. I think it's in the quack dictionary. Because if she agreed that she wanted the divorce, she would have to take responsibility for something. Actively drinking alcoholics aren't known for their willingness to take responsibility. For anything.

And while I agree that in general in today's society, people's commitment to relationships aren't strong enough -- I think in these here rooms, we've got the opposite problem: We simply don't know when to quit. Or, as a friend of mine puts it: "Old Cherokee Proverb: When you ride a horse and horse dies, dismount."

Tuffgirl

:rotfxko

That is awesome! Thanks for sharing - I needed a hearty laugh this morning....

Cyranoak

You are so lucky. I pissed away 15 years of my life trying to save my wife and her daughter. I hate you. Not really.

Cyranoak

ShootingStar1

"Old Cherokee Proverb: When you ride a horse and horse dies, dismount."

I never really understood until you posted that, Lillamy, what I was doing. NO WONDER I wasn't getting ANYWHERE....

BothSidesNow

Shadydeal

Yep...they miss us all right! They can live their crappy active life and get by with it! At least at some point they have with most of us and certainly me! Sick Sick Sick....miss me and treat me like he'll. Right! Sorry, I have a bad attitude tonight. Struck a nerve bc I have heard it so any times only to be cheated on after I gave him what he needed. Shame on me!

android1

I'm sorry so many of you can relate to this. It still boggles my mind. But I just have to learn that she (they) just don't think the same way we do.

Shadydeal

The fastier you learn it the better off you will be! Sorry that is so harse but I wish I had learned early! Believed might be a better word or opened my eyes..sure would have saved me a little pain.

fourmaggie

yep! yep! yep!!