Markus1

Hello to all. I created a thread over a month ago when I was taking sobriety seriously. I made it to 2 weeks sober but I started feeling depersonalized and everything seemed different.

I was just depressed and I felt helpless. The reason I need to stop drinking is because I have hepatitis c and my doctor said that my liver will start to fail if I keep drinking like I did. I also WANT to be sober because being an alcoholic hasn't worked out too well for me and I want to change.

So I snapped after 2 weeks and I've been drinking like I did before I was sober. I'm also starting to occupy myself with college courses, so that helps take up some of my week.

After class tonight I considered buying a few tall boys like I do everyday but then I thought to myself that if I keep this up, I will slowly destroy myself. I don't go through alcohol withdrawals because I've only been a heavy drinker for 3 years. I experience a little nervousness and depersonalization and I hate it.

But I see it as either 2 things will happen to me: I get sober and learn to live that way or I'll end up with liver problems at a young age, or I'll end up in jail. I'm going with the first choice.

I used to be a bad opioid/cocaine addict and I used alcohol as a replacement drug, but I find that when I am very intoxicated I buy cocaine and use it along with alcohol, it's sorta like chasing two highs to create 1 high.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Dee74

If the anxiety is that great it's dragging you back to drinking, I think seeing your Dr might help help Marcus,.

A little more support can often help too
What did you have in the way of support last time?

D

Markus1

My step-father and mother know of my previous addictions and they know I have trouble with alcohol. I also know of a church that hosts AA meetings (I frequented meetings there when I was in outpatient rehab 5 months ago), I went to a few during the 2 weeks I was sober.

As for my doctor he checks up on my liver (liver function tests, viral load tests) when needed. I recently had a CT scan of my liver and he hasn't called to schedule an appointment yet which is good because if it was an emergency he would have me in his office pronto (which he has done).

I started school again so the studying and social aspects are keeping me busy. I just don't want to relapse again. One day at a time I guess.

Dee74

Ok...so what are your plans to deal with the anxiety this time?

D

Markus1

My mom takes clonidine for high blood pressure and my step-dad is a psychiatrist and he says that it helps with physical anxiety and alcohol withdrawal. I plan to take them when I am really anxious. Clonidine isn't addictive like Xanax and Valium, it's not a benzo.

I also have to just not drink when I'm at my most vulnerable. I plan on going to meetings when I feel that way.

Dee74

I think you'd be better to visit your own Dr to discuss treatments Markus.

If meetings are your chosen method, I'd encourage you to go even when you feel ok, not just when you feel in danger...at the very least you'll get some numbers to call and people to call on.

You might even want to think about getting a sponso - they mroe support you have the more secure your recovery will be

best of luck - keep posting

D

Markus1

Yea I understand, getting sober requires a lifestyle change. Going to meetings even when I feel well is essential. How long have you been sober? If you don't mind me asking.

Dee74

since my join date, Markus - April 2007

D

Markus1

5 years sober is great! To me it seems so far away. But like my grandpa (he's a recovered alcoholic) says just take it one day at a time. I have a Big Book collecting dust on my bookshelf, I should crack it open and give it a read!

Dee74

5 years seemed an impossible amount of time to me too when I saw guys here...it gets easier tho...

decide you're done drinking, then find the kind of support that helps you stay that way...then work on being happy sober

D

Markus1

I have decided to quit. But in the depths of my brain there's an excuse or urge to use. I was in the pink mist for the first week I quit last time. I had no urges and then at week 2 I felt like I had to have a drink, and I did.

But it takes a good amount of willpower and motivation to be done. It's easy to quit drinking, staying quit is more difficult.

People can do anything they set their minds to. I remember hearing about that mountain climber who got his arm crushed by a boulder and he had to amputate his own arm to survive, that's inspiring!

I can do this, I know I can.

DisplacedGRITS

the first few weeks really are the hardest. remember that everyone has a sober day, a sober hour in them and break it down when you have to. i found reading to be a great way for me to get past some of my really difficult times. perhaps you have a past time that you can do that will help you when you experience a craving? remember, you're a valuable person and you deserve a sober life. value your sobriety above all other things and hold it close to your heart. it's a hard won gift but one that is worth fighting for. glad to see you back on the path!

Markus1

Thanks. Right now every minute I think about a drink. But I have to give it some time and the cravings won't be nearly as bad. I'm thinking on the bright side.

I don't have to suffer from bad alcohol withdrawals like some long term alcoholics face when trying to quit, so that's a plus!

IndaMiricale

Opening the book would be a good indea!!!! And get to a meeting and actually dont say your taking it seriously. Just do it.. Its a battle forever one that we never recover from..

Start with tomorrow and read the doctors opinion, and call the AA office to find some meetings close. Save your life and you wont regreat it..

IndaMiricale

Just so you know I did suffer those after daily drinking for decades. But after many months clean , and I decided oh I cured I can handle this . I only drank for a couple days and the detox was just as bad..

Things never get better drinking only progressively worse..

You can be free.

Markus1

I heard there is this phenomena that occurs each time an alcoholic attempts to kick alcohol the withdrawals get worse each time.

There is a church a few miles down the road that has daily AA meetings. I prefer that meeting area because there are some old timers and some young people close to my age.

Even being on this site is helping me cope.

Markus1

On day 2. I only got about 4 hours of sleep last night and I kept tossing and turning. Want a drink but that's a no no.

IndaMiricale

I hope you hit a meeting.. Today thats great ones close with several at the same place.

I know I keep the seat warm somewhere today , hope you will to

And yea no drinking it just makes more day 1 's ..

Keep coming and reading and posting this is a wonderful place that never closes.

2granddaughters

I found sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I had to surrender to it... to commit to it... and it's kept me sober for over 23 yrs.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

I wish you the best

bbthumper

I also found sobriety in AA. Glad to hear you are giving it a shot. As far as the depression and anxiety, in my experience, I have talked to a lot of alcoholics and depression and anxiety seem to be the most common symptom of untreated alcoholism. Most, not all, people who work the 12 steps find their anxiety and depression disappear. There are of course clinical cases that need other treatments, but from what Ive seen they are rare among folks who have worked a solid 12 step program. I wish you the best. Welcome to sobriety! There are so many wonderful things which lay ahead if you stick with it.