Even if I had a time machine...

Old 08-29-2012, 07:06 PM
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Angry Even if I had a time machine...

... I know I wouldn't do anything different than what I've done to date. It plays into the 'should have' 'could have' 'would have' and well, I am who I am today because of my recent past experiences. This is what is taking me through right now without going bonkers.

These past 2 1/2 weeks have been something I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. The barrage of highly volatile emotions (one after the other - BAM BAM BAM BAM!) was not only exhausting to me, but to some friends who have now distanced themselves because of their 'compassion fatigue'. Funny thing is, I haven't really been calling them or texting that much... it's just that whenever they ask how I've been doing, I've been pretty honest. I have to say it's really been only 2 people who have done this, and they weren't the ones who came with me to the funeral.

At first of course, I obsessed about this and felt sick, angry and sad that they were just pushing me away, but then I really started to think that it was all OK... that everyone is entitled to act how they are comfortable - that I don't ever want to force anyone to do what they are not capable of... and frankly, right now? Fcuk them if they can't handle this... - I can (and will) move on with my own life. Of course, I won't confront them with any of this... I'm just going to 'move on'... and if they come back into my life... great. I know not to ever get deep with them again about anything.

Really, in the big scheme of things, I am very lucky. I have about 15 close friends that are like my family... and realize I need to focus on what I do have instead of regressing and obsess about 'silly' things to detract from the real issue(s) at hand.

For a few nights now, I went back to review my past postings here. Man, was I EVER angry at Chris. I forgot half the things that he did when he was using and the painful journey I went through to detach and finally separate physically from him was pretty intense. Then, to see that it didn't stop there... that he still kept on calling, emailing, coming by - and when he wasn't, I was living in my own mental prison, worrying, ruminating, sad, and angry that he just wasn't 'getting it'... that even living apart wasn't waking him up and there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I COULD DO ABOUT IT!!!

No amount of love, support, kindness, nagging, not nagging got through during his active episode (that lasted basically from Aug 2010 until his death on Aug 11, 2012)... almost 2 years of constant addictive behavior... from the BOTH of us (not just him). From Aug 2010 as I mentioned in past posts, there was about 7x where he left the marriage (from anywhere between 1 week to a month)... but always he came back as sorry as ever and we resumed until the next 'episode'.

Now with him dead, it's brought up the emotions of missing him how he was before it got really bad, about the life we would never have, about how he will never have another cup of coffee, see a sunset or sneeze. And then I get mad and think what a waste it all is/was - that because of HIS choice(s), he is not here amongst the living. And then I think (as I posted before), that he also won't be lying, cheating, using, manipulating, obsessing, being in mental anguish or suffering anymore either.... and that I'm finally 'free' to put all this behind me and start living MY life for once.

This last paragraph doesn't come without those mixed emotions - guilt, anger, sadness, relief, anxiety... --- and thinking about the people who are looking at this from the outside going "Holy crap, you went through all this grief while he was alive and now you are in mourning for him gone?!" --- Well, all I can say to that is it wasn't bad all the time during our marriage, that he was sick but that it got too much for me to handle/deal with and had to separate myself. I never stopped loving him. Ever. Yeah, I was/am freaking angry with him, and was at the end of my rope (ready to divorce!) but you know, DEATH is so final... so bloody final and unless one actually walks that route with their addictive loved one (or former), - or hell, even in an normal relationship, then one really won't know what it feels like.

....and that's what's making me spin so much this eve.

But again, before I go, I must stress this... even if I had a time machine, I wouldn't change a thing... even the N/C (no contact). Chris made his choices and there was nothing I could do to prevent it... nothing except save myself.

I wish all a wonderful evening and bright morning tomorrow.

Hugs!

I guess it's all a part of grieving
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:41 PM
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Sweetie, I think you are doing amazing. I knew about the stages of grief, but I had NO idea that I would flip-flop between the various stages and when my mom died, dad and I would be at different stages. He would want to talk about it what happened in the ER when she died (not drug related) and I couldn't handle hearing that more than once. It was okay - he had other people to talk to, as did I.

After my XABF#3 died, we had been apart for a couple of years. It had been a while, probably months, but I was having a really good day. I "talk" to him in my head. I told him "I'm going to tuck you in my heart, so you can see how good life is in recovery". Okay, I had a little crying spell but not for long.

I am so grateful for your posts. There's been so much sadness, here, especially the last week and I'm hoping it helps you to post, and I KNOW it helps many others.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:25 PM
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I can really relate to what you're going through. As I think everyone here knows, my AS was murdered on April 4. I still tear up at some point every day - something will trigger a thought, a memory. Every time I witness something beautiful in nature - leaves blowing through the trees, a perfect summer day, a flock of birds rushing up into the sky - I enjoy it for a moment, and then think, "he'll never have the opportunity to see and appreciate that again." And then a moment later, I remember - he hadn't been appreciating things like that for quite awhile when he was alive, as he was entirely focused on his heroin high. So sad.
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Old 08-30-2012, 06:42 PM
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Thank you Amy and seeking growth for sharing your personal experiences with me and the rest of SR. The anger is slowly diminishing tho I'm so "tired" lately, I haven't left my apt in about 3 days. and something resonated with me too - that Chris also stopped really enjoying the world around him a long time ago and well, it's not fair for me to do the same to myself by hiding away from the world.

I did that when he left in Nov... Just fell into a anxoius depression and just hid from living. I know I was also prob. grieving and dealing with the aftermath of his addictive path of destruction --- which took a huge toll on my psyche. Now
That he is dead ... shouldn't this just be gone? I've just recently stopped hiding things around the apt. Imagine that... We haven't been living together for 8 months and during that entire time, I would hide things like I did when he was here (this started in 2010) and constantly looking out the window to see if he had shown up ... (no - don't do that anymore either)

Just wondering if anyone has some ideas or personal experiences of how to de-clutter the mind after such a finality? This is where I'm struggling today (yes - also seeing a counsellor).

Hope all are having a nice eve
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Old 08-30-2012, 07:05 PM
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((Can)) - when my mom died I knew logically, that she was gone. I helped plan the funeral, picked out the grave site and casket, etc. There were soooo many times I'd pick up the phone to call her, and then remember she wasn't here any more.

It took me about 6 months until it actually sunk into my brain. I was telling someone "my mom died in June" and it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I finally realized she really was gone. Doesn't mean that I still didn't reach for the phone for a while but I truly believe HP only lets us accept things as we are able. To accept the loss of someone we loved so much all at once would just be too overwhelming.

That's my ES&H, but I've found it happens, with varying times, every time I lose a loved one, even when they were in hospice and I KNEW they were going to die. When it happened, it was like my hope for a miracle died I grieved when my uncle was in hospice and failing fast, it still did not prepare me for his death. I don't think we ever can be prepared.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-31-2012, 01:46 AM
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Red face

Thanks Amy --- time is the healer of all things and i need to realize that there's no straight and easy path for grieving.

I decided this evening to write to Chris about all thats mulling around in my head - good, bad and the very ugly. So, I got a mini bound blank notebook and am going to write in it until next Wednesday where I will take it to the event his friends and i are holding, and throw it into the fire pit. Ive done a few pages so far and it's been somewhat cathartic --- that I'm doing "something" and getting it all out.

Someone said to me journaling is therapeutic and I have to agree with them. However, when it's all said on paper, the best thing (for me at least) is to drop it in the flames, and release it into the Heavens.

I can't wait.
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Old 08-31-2012, 04:13 AM
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You have been through traumatic times before his death and including his deat, and it's normal to have all these thoughts as you process the grief. As much as it hurts, grief is a healthy way to deal with the aftermath.

My mother died many years ago and yet I still have a need to talk to her sometimes, she was a wonderful woman and one of the wisest people I ever knew. When I need to talk to her I take a walk by the water or in the forest and I just let my thoughts flow from my heart to the gentle breeze and on to her. It helps, even after all these years.

You will be okay, keep doing what you are doing and one day it will be just a little bit easier. The pain you feel now will become forgiveness and then the fond memories of better days will remain and the pain of his sickness will disappear.

Hugs
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Old 08-31-2012, 01:49 PM
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I think writing a journal then burning it is an excellent idea. I just wanted to let you know something I heard today. I volunteer at a senior center, serving lunch, and I get to eat REALLY good food afterwards. I often sit with seniors and have made some friends.

One of the guys I've gotten to know told me, today, that his son committed suicide years ago. He said "I don't think I will ever get over it" and I told him I didn't think a person COULD totally get over that...they had argued shortly before. He said "let me rephrase that...I've had to learn a new "normal".

He's not an A, his son wasn't either but he had serious mental health issues. What he said, though, sunk in. My "normal" is nothing like it was before my mom, my uncle, my XABF#3 died. It takes time, but I no longer feel like the crazy woman when I speak to my lost loved ones. My mom was a butterfly fanatic. I was driving home, today, a yellow butterfly went by my car and I said "hey mom!!". Crazy? I don't think so. We find what gets us through the hard times and we go with it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 09-01-2012, 07:16 PM
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Unhappy

I'm learning a new "normal" everyday - thanks ladies...

1) I'm starting not to hide things anymore
2) I'm not "waiting" for an unannounced show up, call up or email to try to pull at my heart strings or to blackmail
3) I'm slowly starting to take my phone off silent - even tho I changed my number in June, I still have "jumped" when hearing someone trying to call or text me
4) that I won't worry about running into him anywhere anymore (heartbreaking if he looked bad or with someone else... - the latter never happened thank goodness).

I go back and forth with these (thankful for the above) and overwhelming sadness of what a fecking waste it all was/is that everyone (enablers, loved ones and people who use) suffer so much just to face this ending.

3 weeks today he passed away... and the grief seems so much stronger at times but a relief also is following as well. sigh.

Here's to moving forward. I wish everyone a peaceful and serene eve
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