backbeat

Hoping this time is a charm. I think I joined this board about a year ago and my sobriety didn't last long. I had somehow managed to put together 12 years sobriety at one point, and started drinking again about 5+ years ago give or take because I wasn't going to meetings and was really lonely. Having a hard time getting it through my head that I'm an alcoholic and can't do this anymore because I like to go out with my drinking friends and we all overindulge but usually have a good time... but what they don't know is that after everyone goes home to bed, I go home and put down another six pack (usually of high-alcohol craft beers) and possibly a few jumbo size shots of bourbon, tequila or vodka. Whatever's around.

I hate how one or two beers makes me feel. It fills me with anxiety. So, I keep going until I feel great. I rarely leave a bar not slurring. I'm lucky I haven't lost my license.

I'm sitting here, doing this again, because I missed work again, because I was out last night again, and continued to drink into the wee hours of the morning again. I've done it many times lately. I also missed therapy again, and my therapist won't return my call this time.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

Kelltic

Hey, thanks for posting. There are many really supportive people here. Have you thought about getting back to meetings?

backbeat

Yes, thought about it tonight but only didn't go because I'm "under the weather" from last night. Tomorrow I definitely will go. Thanks for replying to me

EnoughisEnough2

Thanks for sharing and welcome back. I used to do the same thing. Go out with friends have a lot of drinks but instead of going home and sleeping like my other friends, I would go home and continue drinking until I passed out.

Dovie0212

Hey Backbeat~

I totally hear ya!!!! The site has really helped me the last few days because I hate going to my regular AA meeting and saying my name over and over and over again for those who have less then 30 days. Like seriously, when that part of the meeting starts my anxiety is full force and I can see all eyes turn to me knowing/expecting that I drank, yet again!!!!! I have lots of "old timers" in my meeting, even though they are supportive it's tough!!!

I had a hard time accepting I was an alcoholic too. I go around and around with Step 1, also I NEVER ask for help. I hate to feel powerless!!!! I have never been in trouble with the law so I just assumed my life was not unmanageable, right?? Oh, how wrong I was!!!! The look on my boyfriends face the morning of my last drunk was when I knew I had hit my bottom. I didn't want him to go through that again.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up!!!! Just focus on today. Get to meetings You know what to do

Do you have a sponsor? A good network of women in AA?

I am sending you prayers

CaiHong

Hi Backbeat,
We certainly cant be complacent about our recovery. When I read posts like yours, people with many years of sobriety relapsing, it reminds me to treasure and nuture my sobriety.
I hope you make it to a meeting, AA and SR are keeping me sober.
All the best
Love
CaiHong

Sapling

Welcome back...Looks like it was working for you...And you seem to know why it stopped. It has to come down to whether you are done drinking with your friends or not. Sounds like a good time to hang up again....For good.

fgo

backbeat.. I have a question? how was th 12 years of sobriety?

drunkyjules

Been there, done that.......I always want more. I'm finally starting to accept it......

Welcome back! At least you realize you have a problem and are working on a solution. Having the willingness to stay sober and putting the work into sobriety is everything.

Glad you are here!

Dee74

good to see you again - welcome back backbeat

D

backbeat

I just isolated, and replaced alcohol with food, spending, and the internet. Not drinking but not going to meetings was a death sentence. It became very easy to forget why I stopped drinking, and start to envy those around me (at work, etc.) who had bustling social lives involving alcohol in moderation. I had no friends. And continued to gain weight and isolate and feel lousy about myself. I was very lonely, very moody, difficult to be around and not spiritual at all. I didn't go to meetings because I had problems that I'm now aware of - very high anxiety problems and depression. Terrible self-image and negativity. I'm now on a prescribed drug that has helped me tremendously with those issues. There's no high in it, but it subtracts the physical misery I used to be in. I have a much more positive outlook on meetings and making new friends in sobriety. Stopping drinking is really hard this time though. Much harder than the first time.

Hope that helps.

Sapling

Sounds like you got a handle on it...I'm glad you made it back.