I want to go to Al-Anon...

Old 08-28-2012, 10:32 PM
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I want to go to Al-Anon...

I checked the website to see that there is a meeting tomorrow in my area and I can go to it because I'm not working. I have never been to one before and thought about in the past but I'm a little scared to go alone. I'm a very shy person, not good at talking about my problems and the thing that worries me the most is how badly I would be judged for talking about a ABF?
I realize that it can be 100x harder when it's a wife, husband or family member that you are talking about but I feel like the moment I mention a...boyfriend that I'm going to get the "talk" that I should just be rid of him for good and run for the hills and cut him loose and so forth... I wish it was that easy, I really wish it was.

I know I mentioned before that he was a AXBF and now I've been referring to him as a ABF because honestly, I don't know where we stand right now. There has been minimal communication between us and my feelings have been a roller coaster from hell.

If anyone has been there to talk about ABF/AGF, is it as bad as I think it will be?

Forgot to mention, there is no Nar-Anon available in my area. It's only in the next major city, which is a little too far for me to drive as I have to be watching my gas. I deemed it to be a little more appropriate for the given situation but I guess I'll have to make-do. After all, hasn't alcohol played SOME to a MAJOR part in any drug abuse?
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Old 08-29-2012, 05:16 AM
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One of the standard "protocols" of ALAnon is that members do not give other members advice. There is also no "crosstalk" at meetings - this means that IF you choose to share, no other speakers will comment about your sharing in their sharing. Everyone focuses on themselves sharing their own experiences.

If you do choose to share, it would no be surprising if someone who has had a similar experience comes up to chat with you after the meeting. These one-on-one conversations can be really helpful.

You will find many people at AlAnon whose "qualifier" is an addict - and the codependent issues with alcoholics and addicts are the same.
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:12 AM
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The hardest part is getting ourselves there the first few times.....no matter who the addict in our life is. There are several young people who come to our meetings with bf or gf who is addicted. They are accepted and embraced. No one preaches at them to leave the relationship. When we talk about letting go.....that doesn't mean leaving the addict. It means detaching. Very very different concepts that can easily be misinterpreted.

It took me a long time to "get it". I just kept going until things that didn't make sense started to make sense. I would struggle with something until I figured it out. I'm a slow learner but hope to continue my journey toward self awareness for the rest of my life. For me, Nar-Anon and Al-Anon have been instrumental in that process.

gentle hugs
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:14 AM
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greetings SLF

my qualifier was a boyfriend. I even went to two separate recovery retreats, as I was quite serious about my own recovery (!!) and I felt, like you, as though I would be "judged" for having "chosen" to be in a relationship with an addict rather than having been born into it

the truth is that the connection is love
it may not be the most functional, or the healthiest, but it is still love and you have to learn thru the principles of recovery how to best deal with your life at this point!

for me it felt like this...I have an older brother who is basically estranged, I have let him go 99.9% in my life because of conflicts between us. for those who want to say that it is easier to let go of a boyfriend rather than a family member...I beg to disagree!

now, granted, I did eventually make the very hard decision to do what seemed like the absolute best thing for my spirit, my heart, my mind, and even my body (!) and that was to separate from my ex. but that was MY decision...and we all have to live our OWN lives...getting the assistance, support and love of those people involved in al anon is going to help you feel more serene, find more clarity, and feel more closely connected to your own spirit...regardless of decision

you will not be judged
if you are it is probably an unhealthy meeting and you can find another

oftentimes the shame we are experiencing is so much a part of our own projection
shame, if you feel it, is going to be a really rich and fertile ground for you to explore...it will reveal many areas of your own self that are seeking growth, acceptance and understanding
do not be afraid of shame...just keep exploring it...with the help of others to gain perspective!

above all KUDOS to you on making a move toward your own recovery!
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:21 AM
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You might be thinking too hard about this. I am new to both groups, and have found every meeting SO helpful. I too have to drive a ways to get to NarAnon, but it is worth every cent, and I am broke at the moment, too.

There are people in both who have BFs or Xs and no one judges them. It is a really safe space, and a place to find community in your struggles. Some parents of Addicts at my last meeting said they still come, even years of sobriety later, so that they can be a source of hope for people new to the journey. If that's not a testament to the power of AlAnon and NarAnon, I don't know what is. No one will judge you. There's lots of love and support. Just go. And remember, you are the key here--your recovery is what matters most.
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:38 AM
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Oh you will love Alanon! I was so scared when I first went in. I don't think I spoke (you can pass and just listen) for the longest time. Alanon does not give advice. It is a great program for getting real and getting honest and helping you live in a healthy way

I agree a million percent with everything said above. Alanon would be a wonderful gift you give to yourself.
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Old 08-29-2012, 09:40 AM
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When you go to a meeting the have a format they read, The 12 steps, 12 traditions, etc..


Everyone introduces their self by first name, there will likely be a newcomers packet of literature they will give you invaluable information in that packet.

Depending on who is holding the meeting that night they will likely have a subject picked out and read from a book most places have books there for new people to use while at the meeting.

You do not have to say a single word if you choose not to.
They also have a box of Tissues crying is common in meetings ..

What helps me the most is remembering when I go that EVERY ONE at some point entered that door for their first time. Trust me when I say they haven't forgot that.

I am glad you decided to give yourself this gift.
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Old 08-29-2012, 02:21 PM
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Well I went, and it went much better than expected. There's another one in the town just next to me (less than 5 km away) and I think I might try it out too; they told me it's a lot bigger and usually more people go there.
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