ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
ZoSo's Laws For Surviving a Breakup With an Addict
It's been a long time since I've done an original post. Mostly because there's really been nothing to talk about...until tonight.
Tonight, I started graduate school again. I'm currently two courses shy of my MS in Electrical and Computer Engineering. When I was dealing with my AXGF, I was so sick myself that doing that level of work was impossible. In fact, my career took a hit as well. Now that my career's back on track and I've restarted graduate school, I figured a post like this would help Newbies who've been knocked sideways by the actions of their addict boyfriend or girlfriend.
Call it: ZoSo's Laws for Surviving a Breakup With an Addict
1) Decide that you're going to be OK. Let's say hypothetically the addict drops the bomb on you. You're pissed, you're hurt. After everything you've done for them, they pull this. Don't be surprised. He or she is sick. So it can go one of two ways: you can roll over and die, or decide that you're going to get through it. In my case, I woke up two days after the bomb was dropped on me, decided my AXGF did me a favor, and said aloud to myself, I'm gonna be OK. And once you decide that, it's No Contact from that point forward.
2) Accept You're Going to Have Your Down Moments. It's inevitable. You've been betrayed and hurt. This is something you have to face, and this is something you have to accept. The good news is it's not forever. You have to keep pressing forward, tell yourself this is where you are now, admit it sucks, and keep going.
3) Reconnect With Friends. This is important. Very important. Your friends may be pissed at you because you allowed yourself to stay in an unhealthy, compromised situation. Accept their feelings and what they tell you, and acknowledge it to the best of your ability. Enjoy their company. If you're comfortable doing so, share with them what their friendship means to you. However you do that is up to you.
4) Reengage With Your Bliss. What gave you joy before the addict was in your life? For me, it was music and the guitar. My bliss includes my band. There's five of us, and when I'm with them, I'm not an engineer or a student or a codependent. I'm one of the boys and I act like I'm 15. I laugh. I make sick jokes. I torture someone. It's all good...and believe or not, it changes your brain chemistry for the better. Find what you love, do it, and thank God you've got that in your life.
5) Attend Al Anon/Nar Anon Meetings. When you're down in the dumps, it's important you go to meetings. You have to go with an open mind and open ears. There is a high probability that one or more people will share an idea that can turn your day around. These meetings aren't about the addict that left you. They are for you and how you respond when the bomb is dropped on you. Allow others to comfort you in this setting. And offer your support if someone needs it.
6) Recommit to Your Career. When the bomb is dropped on you, you don't want to be at work. You can't concentrate, you're sad, you're angry, and the last thing you want to do is a, b and c. Guess what? Use work as a distraction. Engage with your colleagues. Engage with your boss. Set manageable goals for yourself every day and meet them. Give yourself credit when you do.
7) Pray. Every. Night. If you're in Al Anon, this isn't that foreign. If you're not, read carefully: part of getting well is accepting you have no control over the addict and their behavior. And in that moment of surrender, you turn to a Higher Power to restore yourself to sanity. You can't handle the addict anymore. The pain they've left in their wake is overbearing. Give it to God and let Him shoulder it for you. Thank Him for the gifts and the people you do have in your life. Pray for the addict if you want, too. But do this every day. It helps. Believe me, it helps.
If you do these steps, little by little, hour by hour, day by day, you will reclaim your life. It may take weeks. It may take months. But what you will notice is a good day here and there turns into two good days. Two turns into three. Three turns into four. And the pain, while it's still present, isn't as sharp. You know it's there, you accept it's there, and you sit with it.
One year ago, I was essentially not functioning. I allowed myself, my career, and my education to be hijacked by a person that, in hindsight, only cared about her needs, her wants. She didn't care what I thought, what I needed, what I wanted. Suicide threats, cognitive distortions, lying through her teeth...
...then leaving me for another addict, via text message, while confessing with glee she f**ked two other guys.
Yeah, that hurt.
And guess what? Almost 8 months later, I've got my life back. I've got all of it back. I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm more honest with myself...and I recognize my part of what was truly a sick, dysfunctional relationship. It's lessons learned. She gave me a gift.
God Bless.
ZoSo
Tonight, I started graduate school again. I'm currently two courses shy of my MS in Electrical and Computer Engineering. When I was dealing with my AXGF, I was so sick myself that doing that level of work was impossible. In fact, my career took a hit as well. Now that my career's back on track and I've restarted graduate school, I figured a post like this would help Newbies who've been knocked sideways by the actions of their addict boyfriend or girlfriend.
Call it: ZoSo's Laws for Surviving a Breakup With an Addict
1) Decide that you're going to be OK. Let's say hypothetically the addict drops the bomb on you. You're pissed, you're hurt. After everything you've done for them, they pull this. Don't be surprised. He or she is sick. So it can go one of two ways: you can roll over and die, or decide that you're going to get through it. In my case, I woke up two days after the bomb was dropped on me, decided my AXGF did me a favor, and said aloud to myself, I'm gonna be OK. And once you decide that, it's No Contact from that point forward.
2) Accept You're Going to Have Your Down Moments. It's inevitable. You've been betrayed and hurt. This is something you have to face, and this is something you have to accept. The good news is it's not forever. You have to keep pressing forward, tell yourself this is where you are now, admit it sucks, and keep going.
3) Reconnect With Friends. This is important. Very important. Your friends may be pissed at you because you allowed yourself to stay in an unhealthy, compromised situation. Accept their feelings and what they tell you, and acknowledge it to the best of your ability. Enjoy their company. If you're comfortable doing so, share with them what their friendship means to you. However you do that is up to you.
4) Reengage With Your Bliss. What gave you joy before the addict was in your life? For me, it was music and the guitar. My bliss includes my band. There's five of us, and when I'm with them, I'm not an engineer or a student or a codependent. I'm one of the boys and I act like I'm 15. I laugh. I make sick jokes. I torture someone. It's all good...and believe or not, it changes your brain chemistry for the better. Find what you love, do it, and thank God you've got that in your life.
5) Attend Al Anon/Nar Anon Meetings. When you're down in the dumps, it's important you go to meetings. You have to go with an open mind and open ears. There is a high probability that one or more people will share an idea that can turn your day around. These meetings aren't about the addict that left you. They are for you and how you respond when the bomb is dropped on you. Allow others to comfort you in this setting. And offer your support if someone needs it.
6) Recommit to Your Career. When the bomb is dropped on you, you don't want to be at work. You can't concentrate, you're sad, you're angry, and the last thing you want to do is a, b and c. Guess what? Use work as a distraction. Engage with your colleagues. Engage with your boss. Set manageable goals for yourself every day and meet them. Give yourself credit when you do.
7) Pray. Every. Night. If you're in Al Anon, this isn't that foreign. If you're not, read carefully: part of getting well is accepting you have no control over the addict and their behavior. And in that moment of surrender, you turn to a Higher Power to restore yourself to sanity. You can't handle the addict anymore. The pain they've left in their wake is overbearing. Give it to God and let Him shoulder it for you. Thank Him for the gifts and the people you do have in your life. Pray for the addict if you want, too. But do this every day. It helps. Believe me, it helps.
If you do these steps, little by little, hour by hour, day by day, you will reclaim your life. It may take weeks. It may take months. But what you will notice is a good day here and there turns into two good days. Two turns into three. Three turns into four. And the pain, while it's still present, isn't as sharp. You know it's there, you accept it's there, and you sit with it.
One year ago, I was essentially not functioning. I allowed myself, my career, and my education to be hijacked by a person that, in hindsight, only cared about her needs, her wants. She didn't care what I thought, what I needed, what I wanted. Suicide threats, cognitive distortions, lying through her teeth...
...then leaving me for another addict, via text message, while confessing with glee she f**ked two other guys.
Yeah, that hurt.
And guess what? Almost 8 months later, I've got my life back. I've got all of it back. I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm more honest with myself...and I recognize my part of what was truly a sick, dysfunctional relationship. It's lessons learned. She gave me a gift.
God Bless.
ZoSo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Yes and yes!! What an uplifting post, thank you so much Zoso!!
I look back at the shambles I used to call "my life" and I remember how hard it was to think of the future, of dreams that could come true and of finding my "bliss" again. It doesn't have to stay like that, we CAN change ourselves and no longer be doomed to a life of darkness.
Amen and Amen, to all you said above.
Hugs
I look back at the shambles I used to call "my life" and I remember how hard it was to think of the future, of dreams that could come true and of finding my "bliss" again. It doesn't have to stay like that, we CAN change ourselves and no longer be doomed to a life of darkness.
Amen and Amen, to all you said above.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Wonderful post,zoso.....thank you.
MSEE/CE is some heavy lifting!Anyone capable of that level
of work will not be sidelined for long.
Zoso's laws go on my personal wall of stickies!
More (I squared R) to you!
MSEE/CE is some heavy lifting!Anyone capable of that level
of work will not be sidelined for long.
Zoso's laws go on my personal wall of stickies!
More (I squared R) to you!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Faithlove 
THANK YOU for this post!!!!
Did you write it just for me? Seriously! I so needed to read this right now!!!
Did you write it just for me? Seriously! I so needed to read this right now!!!
There's been a lot of newbies that have addict boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses who have been hurt badly by the addict's actions. And reading their posts is kinda like going backwards in time for me.
My hope is if someone reads my post, they say to themselves, "well, if HE got through it, then I can."
The most important takeaway should be you have a choice in all of this. You can choose to stay engaged with a sick person, or you can decide that enough is enough, make a clean break, ride out the ensuing emotional rollercoaster, and, little by little, reclaim YOUR life.
I'm grateful my post resonated with so many people.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Zoso
Perfect. Eloquently stated. I love it. Thank you for sharing your ESH. I'm so glad you are here....it's been a pleasure watching you move from the angry, hurt man you were to the beautiful person you are today.
This was one of the best posts I've read on SR in a while. I'd call it "sticky worthy".
gentle hugs
ke
Perfect. Eloquently stated. I love it. Thank you for sharing your ESH. I'm so glad you are here....it's been a pleasure watching you move from the angry, hurt man you were to the beautiful person you are today.
This was one of the best posts I've read on SR in a while. I'd call it "sticky worthy".
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by zoso77
Actually, yes, I did.
There's been a lot of newbies that have addict boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses who have been hurt badly by the addict's actions. And reading their posts is kinda like going backwards in time for me.
My hope is if someone reads my post, they say to themselves, "well, if HE got through it, then I can."
The most important takeaway should be you have a choice in all of this. You can choose to stay engaged with a sick person, or you can decide that enough is enough, make a clean break, ride out the ensuing emotional rollercoaster, and, little by little, reclaim YOUR life.
I'm grateful my post resonated with so many people.
ZoSo
There's been a lot of newbies that have addict boyfriends, girlfriends, and spouses who have been hurt badly by the addict's actions. And reading their posts is kinda like going backwards in time for me.
My hope is if someone reads my post, they say to themselves, "well, if HE got through it, then I can."
The most important takeaway should be you have a choice in all of this. You can choose to stay engaged with a sick person, or you can decide that enough is enough, make a clean break, ride out the ensuing emotional rollercoaster, and, little by little, reclaim YOUR life.
I'm grateful my post resonated with so many people.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Needed that right now like you would not believe. I struggle every minute (so sad) of every day right now wanting what I can't have. I am here everyday learning. It's turning out to be the ticket to finally kicking him to the curb for good. Had a run in with AB last night and once again saw the very devil in front of me. Who needs that?? Not me! Thanks again.
(but that doesn't mean I can't THINK it!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Fairdealing
Posts: 4
Wow, I'm so glad I came across this. My AXGF just broke up with me a few days ago. It hurt, and still feels really raw. However, I can see that it was headed that way for a while. She was so expert at hiding her addiction and manipulating me into being the "fixer". I can say I tried SO hard to make it work. Yet, now looking back I can see so many signs.
The level of cruelty from her, especially since the break up makes it all even harder. I'm so grateful I saw this thread now. It's been such a big help.
The level of cruelty from her, especially since the break up makes it all even harder. I'm so grateful I saw this thread now. It's been such a big help.
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