New here, first post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 4
New here, first post
I'm new here but have been reading for the last few weeks and finally worked up the nerve to register/post.
I have been dating my AH boyfriend for almost 6 years and honestly I don't know how I stayed so long, must be one of the most common threads here...
He's been gone for almost six weeks. He calls every night 5 to 6 times, I do not answer. Most times I TRY not to check the inevitable voicemail, but somehow after a few days, just hearing his voice is something I miss, so I do and then inevitably I am broken in spirit to know that everything I've done, I've gone through is all for nothing.
I'm a broken shell, realized I was a horrible co-dependant, spending so much time worrying about how to keep it all from "falling apart again" like so many many times before. But doesn't it always fall apart?
He isn't violent, has never hit me, he isn't even an angry person, he's a fun, happy drunk...until he's so drunk that he can't stand but can still hold a beer in his hand? Until I have to babysit him. Until I'm embarassed to take him places or even tell people that I had a boyfriend. For the last 5 years, I've gone to my "holiday party" minus one, and always made some excuse to him as to why he couldn't come, but the truth is I was worried about being embarassed by him in front of my colleagues. His family are all alcoholics, his mom, dad, brother, aunties, uncles, the whole lot of them AND they all have this UNHEALTHY relationship with HIS ex, the mother of his children, who is also a drunk and drug addict.
For near to six years, everytime he has "disappeared" he ends up with her or her family, because they too are all some form of addict, and when the party is over, calls me crying, he wants to come home (they are just friends), which I believe, even sadder is because the hot mess that she is doesn't want him anymore either (and this girl is a horrible parent to his kids and drug addict) so they are "friends" which is code for I get drunk with you and your family, and code for this is the person I will disrespect you with for AS LONG AS YOU LET ME.
I'm even embarassed to detail the level of disfunction here, aside from the alcoholism, it's just unhealthy. When we were together I loved his kids, 2 boys very much and tried to be a good "step mom" to them. This eventually was irretrievable broken, because how could they love someone who every 3-6 months broke up with or kicked out their dad? How could they love someone who was a direct threat to the unhealthy relationship he had with their mom.
He has been to rehab twice, one DUI. Who was the one in classes, driving 25 plus miles to this rehab to visit him, take him cigarettes, whatever he needed, who was the one writing letters, staying up crying. Who was the one who STOOD by him through it all? Me. And do you want to know how he has repaid me? How his family has repaid me? His mom orchestrated this whole "situation" where they planned for his ex to move in with him (because she was being evicted from where she was staying) after he got out of rehab, and get this, the boys weren't even staying there, just them (this all played out after, because obviously I didn't know this was in the works, just thought I was standing by my man). ONE day out of rehab, he already has disappeared. By day three he has wrecked his truck and got a DUI. He could have killed someone. AT this point I've found out about his mom's plan (and his I guess) to move him in with the ex to "help her" (really this man can't even help himself and how you reward someone who basically made his kids homeless I cannot even fathom) so I stepped out of the situation. They live together for TWO months before it all falls apart (meanwhile they are going to bars together, she's partying with him and whatever girls from the bar he is now seeing), and he's calling me the whole time, crying, begging, crying.
SO who comes to his rescue when it's time to get evicted. Good old faithful. Like a dummy. Now I'd like to say this is where I lost my self respect, but I'd say it was WAY before that I just can't pinpoint it. So I stick his stuff in storage and let him move in with me. BUT he tells her it's his storage and he can help her too, so he sticks her stuff in MY storage. Ok, a step back (should have been running by now, should have been long gone), and then I'm sucked back in. Now he's living with me and I'm paying THEIR storage, because neither one can ever come up with their "half". Meanwhile, I am taking him to three DUI classes and two breathalyzers a week, sitting in my car or going to the library for an hour and a half. I take care of all the bills, money (which he willingly gives me his checks (both knowing he can't be trusted and makes 1/3 of what I make), pay the storage, pay for the classes, pay the restitution. I get him through it and he's sober. OH wait, he's not. Now he's in rehab AGAIN, 3 months in, writing me letters, promising the world. I fall. I take him back. I have one good year with him, he has limits (he hasn't stopped drinking but is being "babysat" by me evey step of the way). He apologizes to my son for all the hurt he's put us through. Within months he's breaking down the enabler, me, until he is back to drunk all weekend, every weekend. Finally I can't handle it, I've withdrawn, I'm repulsed by him, I don't hug him at night anymore, I don't even want to have sex. I finally tell him to leave, he packs, then I ASK him not to? If he could only have limits, if he could only try. He has $260 bucks in his pocket (because I have given him his check, I think honestly I did it on purpose because I know he can't be stopped from the binge that is so close). Four days later, back to calling, begging, crying.
There is so much more to this degrading story, his inappropriate relationship and his "best friends" who are the ex's sisters husband's or cousins, his moms inability to let go of the previous daughter in law, meanwhile calling me, telling me not to give up on him, how much she can see I love him. But inviting her to Christmas behind my back, after we leave, and they all have a good laugh about how she had to wait for me and him to "leave".
His brother is an alcoholic too, obviously and me and his wife develop a support system together. Then she finally leaves him. What does he do? He proceeds to be with the sister and couisin of his brother's ex, partying with them day and night as well now.
I lost my house because of him, I lost my self respect, I lost my self. I became this nagging, obsessed, controlling b*tch. All this with break ups/makeups averaging about every three months for near to SIX years.
Now I am a pretty smart gal, have a great job, nice place (now that I've had to rebuild) so I can't even imagine what is so inherently wrong with me that I've stayed through this all. That I miss him and love him still.
Since he's left, I've gotten a new car, phone and have registered and been accepted for college next semester, so WHY can't I let go and move on?
Sorry this was so long and maybe someday this is exactly what I need to look back on and see my progress. I'm not here questioning what I should do, I know I need to keep on moving and never look back, but how is it so hard to let go? I don't want to find myself lonely in two months and fall back to him, because I am afraid to date, because I am essentially an introvert, because he's the only man I've been with since my divorce, because I am afraid of men. I've been to al-anon and felt like I was being told to "just accept him the way he is" but focus on myself. Well I don't accept him the way his is, I don't want to "learn how to deal with it". I just want it to be over. I want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Fenix
I have been dating my AH boyfriend for almost 6 years and honestly I don't know how I stayed so long, must be one of the most common threads here...
He's been gone for almost six weeks. He calls every night 5 to 6 times, I do not answer. Most times I TRY not to check the inevitable voicemail, but somehow after a few days, just hearing his voice is something I miss, so I do and then inevitably I am broken in spirit to know that everything I've done, I've gone through is all for nothing.
I'm a broken shell, realized I was a horrible co-dependant, spending so much time worrying about how to keep it all from "falling apart again" like so many many times before. But doesn't it always fall apart?
He isn't violent, has never hit me, he isn't even an angry person, he's a fun, happy drunk...until he's so drunk that he can't stand but can still hold a beer in his hand? Until I have to babysit him. Until I'm embarassed to take him places or even tell people that I had a boyfriend. For the last 5 years, I've gone to my "holiday party" minus one, and always made some excuse to him as to why he couldn't come, but the truth is I was worried about being embarassed by him in front of my colleagues. His family are all alcoholics, his mom, dad, brother, aunties, uncles, the whole lot of them AND they all have this UNHEALTHY relationship with HIS ex, the mother of his children, who is also a drunk and drug addict.
For near to six years, everytime he has "disappeared" he ends up with her or her family, because they too are all some form of addict, and when the party is over, calls me crying, he wants to come home (they are just friends), which I believe, even sadder is because the hot mess that she is doesn't want him anymore either (and this girl is a horrible parent to his kids and drug addict) so they are "friends" which is code for I get drunk with you and your family, and code for this is the person I will disrespect you with for AS LONG AS YOU LET ME.
I'm even embarassed to detail the level of disfunction here, aside from the alcoholism, it's just unhealthy. When we were together I loved his kids, 2 boys very much and tried to be a good "step mom" to them. This eventually was irretrievable broken, because how could they love someone who every 3-6 months broke up with or kicked out their dad? How could they love someone who was a direct threat to the unhealthy relationship he had with their mom.
He has been to rehab twice, one DUI. Who was the one in classes, driving 25 plus miles to this rehab to visit him, take him cigarettes, whatever he needed, who was the one writing letters, staying up crying. Who was the one who STOOD by him through it all? Me. And do you want to know how he has repaid me? How his family has repaid me? His mom orchestrated this whole "situation" where they planned for his ex to move in with him (because she was being evicted from where she was staying) after he got out of rehab, and get this, the boys weren't even staying there, just them (this all played out after, because obviously I didn't know this was in the works, just thought I was standing by my man). ONE day out of rehab, he already has disappeared. By day three he has wrecked his truck and got a DUI. He could have killed someone. AT this point I've found out about his mom's plan (and his I guess) to move him in with the ex to "help her" (really this man can't even help himself and how you reward someone who basically made his kids homeless I cannot even fathom) so I stepped out of the situation. They live together for TWO months before it all falls apart (meanwhile they are going to bars together, she's partying with him and whatever girls from the bar he is now seeing), and he's calling me the whole time, crying, begging, crying.
SO who comes to his rescue when it's time to get evicted. Good old faithful. Like a dummy. Now I'd like to say this is where I lost my self respect, but I'd say it was WAY before that I just can't pinpoint it. So I stick his stuff in storage and let him move in with me. BUT he tells her it's his storage and he can help her too, so he sticks her stuff in MY storage. Ok, a step back (should have been running by now, should have been long gone), and then I'm sucked back in. Now he's living with me and I'm paying THEIR storage, because neither one can ever come up with their "half". Meanwhile, I am taking him to three DUI classes and two breathalyzers a week, sitting in my car or going to the library for an hour and a half. I take care of all the bills, money (which he willingly gives me his checks (both knowing he can't be trusted and makes 1/3 of what I make), pay the storage, pay for the classes, pay the restitution. I get him through it and he's sober. OH wait, he's not. Now he's in rehab AGAIN, 3 months in, writing me letters, promising the world. I fall. I take him back. I have one good year with him, he has limits (he hasn't stopped drinking but is being "babysat" by me evey step of the way). He apologizes to my son for all the hurt he's put us through. Within months he's breaking down the enabler, me, until he is back to drunk all weekend, every weekend. Finally I can't handle it, I've withdrawn, I'm repulsed by him, I don't hug him at night anymore, I don't even want to have sex. I finally tell him to leave, he packs, then I ASK him not to? If he could only have limits, if he could only try. He has $260 bucks in his pocket (because I have given him his check, I think honestly I did it on purpose because I know he can't be stopped from the binge that is so close). Four days later, back to calling, begging, crying.
There is so much more to this degrading story, his inappropriate relationship and his "best friends" who are the ex's sisters husband's or cousins, his moms inability to let go of the previous daughter in law, meanwhile calling me, telling me not to give up on him, how much she can see I love him. But inviting her to Christmas behind my back, after we leave, and they all have a good laugh about how she had to wait for me and him to "leave".
His brother is an alcoholic too, obviously and me and his wife develop a support system together. Then she finally leaves him. What does he do? He proceeds to be with the sister and couisin of his brother's ex, partying with them day and night as well now.
I lost my house because of him, I lost my self respect, I lost my self. I became this nagging, obsessed, controlling b*tch. All this with break ups/makeups averaging about every three months for near to SIX years.
Now I am a pretty smart gal, have a great job, nice place (now that I've had to rebuild) so I can't even imagine what is so inherently wrong with me that I've stayed through this all. That I miss him and love him still.
Since he's left, I've gotten a new car, phone and have registered and been accepted for college next semester, so WHY can't I let go and move on?
Sorry this was so long and maybe someday this is exactly what I need to look back on and see my progress. I'm not here questioning what I should do, I know I need to keep on moving and never look back, but how is it so hard to let go? I don't want to find myself lonely in two months and fall back to him, because I am afraid to date, because I am essentially an introvert, because he's the only man I've been with since my divorce, because I am afraid of men. I've been to al-anon and felt like I was being told to "just accept him the way he is" but focus on myself. Well I don't accept him the way his is, I don't want to "learn how to deal with it". I just want it to be over. I want Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
Fenix
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 316
Fenix,
You are one awesome lady, you did all that you physically could do for him. But unless he's willing to change-why just give things to someone who doesn't deserve it.. I'm so glad you are out of that situation. BUT, you have to get yourself better and heal from this.. even if that means professional help..believe me-you don't want to always have a pattern of going after alcoholics-why waste your time this way. Life is too short. Set goals and go after it. Read books on the matter. But do this for you and your healing-he's your past and the next man-lets hope is not an alcoholic and if he is-drop him quick..
You are one awesome lady, you did all that you physically could do for him. But unless he's willing to change-why just give things to someone who doesn't deserve it.. I'm so glad you are out of that situation. BUT, you have to get yourself better and heal from this.. even if that means professional help..believe me-you don't want to always have a pattern of going after alcoholics-why waste your time this way. Life is too short. Set goals and go after it. Read books on the matter. But do this for you and your healing-he's your past and the next man-lets hope is not an alcoholic and if he is-drop him quick..
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Fenix, it is so hard because you are mired in absolute SICKNESS, and have been mired in it for 6 years. You have no idea how dysfunctional you have become BECAUSE OF living with this person in your life. I know exactly where you are, I have been there, and let me assure you, you can beat this. My advice is to run like hell, do not answer those phone calls, do not listen to those voicemails. Cut all contact completely. These people have the ability to destroy us, it is that serious.
I recommend you start going to Al-Anon and start reading the stickies at the top of this forum. Keep posting and reading others' posts. You sound like you are on your way out of the sickness, keep that resolve. Feel the fear, cry the tears, and do it anyway. I promise you there is happiness on the other side of this. Remember, you have made a choice between saving yourSELF or trying to save someone else who does not really want to be saved. Every morning when you wake up, make the choice. Choose you. Choose life.
(((hugs))) you can do this!
I recommend you start going to Al-Anon and start reading the stickies at the top of this forum. Keep posting and reading others' posts. You sound like you are on your way out of the sickness, keep that resolve. Feel the fear, cry the tears, and do it anyway. I promise you there is happiness on the other side of this. Remember, you have made a choice between saving yourSELF or trying to save someone else who does not really want to be saved. Every morning when you wake up, make the choice. Choose you. Choose life.
(((hugs))) you can do this!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 4
I can say happily that I just finished devouring Co-Dependant No More and honestly I knew in the back of my mind, but never KNEW how sick I was. NOT him but me. When I have hard times I can say that picking it up and re-reading some of those things that hit home again, and this site has really been a LIFE saver for me this week. The fact that I can be honest and not be judged, that I can see for myself that I am not alone, that as I may sit here and cry or not, that someone else is out there, not sure where to turn to, and even beyond that, but how many of my friends and family want to hear this same sad story replay for their feedback, which is almost a step back and a laugh, knowing I will fall again, but someone who cannot help but have faith in me, because I'm human, because I am them.
I need someone to tell me not to take calls or voicemails, and I know how pathetic that sounds, but it seems this collaborate "conscience" is here to help and I am really thankful.
I am sick of being sick and "mired" is the best description I've had thrown at me, I can feel it retreating from me now as long as I keep my courage center stage and not get sucked into lying to myself about who he is (cause like most here, he's kind, handsome but....), but keep the hard truths in front of me, and my path clear in front of me. I appreciate the words of encouragement and pray (religiously bankrupt as I am) that my resolve sticks.
I need someone to tell me not to take calls or voicemails, and I know how pathetic that sounds, but it seems this collaborate "conscience" is here to help and I am really thankful.
I am sick of being sick and "mired" is the best description I've had thrown at me, I can feel it retreating from me now as long as I keep my courage center stage and not get sucked into lying to myself about who he is (cause like most here, he's kind, handsome but....), but keep the hard truths in front of me, and my path clear in front of me. I appreciate the words of encouragement and pray (religiously bankrupt as I am) that my resolve sticks.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yeah, I have to keep reminding myself about AXBF, he may be kind and handsome but he's a psycho! I need my peace and serenity and I could never, and would never, have it with him in my life!
So glad you have read Codependent No More! I just finished "Character Disturbance" and I think it's my new favorite book of all time.
So glad you have read Codependent No More! I just finished "Character Disturbance" and I think it's my new favorite book of all time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
