773niki

Hi everyone,
This is kind of random but I've been "practicing" finding out what my triggers are - after having been on/off the wagon for about 2 years now. I'm 18 days sober this time around and it's been good/easy up until today, and I'm finding out a very definite trigger and I definitely do not want to drink, so I'm going to type instead.

This is going to sound immature, and maybe I am immature, given that I spent my 20s getting drunk (I'm 30 now) but I had this offsite work event today. It was at this gorgeous outdoor house with beautiful landscaping, trees, flowers, an outdoor stone fireplace in this unbeliveable enclosure. Just beautiful. I started joking with people that I was going to get married there someday (the place also advertises having weddings, receptions, etc there). So, all day I let my mind wonder and my boyfriend and I are going on 2 years and are talking marriage so I texted him and told him all about this place. Anyway, I mentioned I was there on Facebook and a friend of mine commented that she had just gotten married there as well and we were supposed to have gone to her wedding, but since it was the second day of sobriety this time around, I decided not to go.

OK, so, I feel foolish because after all day of this stupid daydreaming about all the crap girls daydream about - I find out that this is where my boyfriend actually got married to his now ex-wife! Seriously? Really?! Ahhh, I seriously feel dirty!

I am a jealous person and I've always had a hard time dealing with the fact that he was married before. (he's 34, got married at 26 and it only lasted 10 months but it's the principle behind it and i just have a hard time thinking about it. I hate it! Enter immaturity, I know.)

He had a problem with alcohol too and has been sober for 2 years now - I am the one that keeps messing up on that front. But, I guess, if I wasn't serious about y sobriety this time, I would have a pint of vodka and a gatorade in front of my right now. I don't know how to deal with these feelings I'm having.

I know it's not my BF's fault. I know it is the past. I know he loves me now (especially having had faith in me with this disease when I've lied to him about drinking countless times). My family isn't even talking to me, but he is here for me. It's me that I can't get a grip on. He's coming home now, he knows I feel kinda stupid after emailing him about what a beautiful place this was and this is where I want to get married...he didn't want to tell me over text that that is where his wedding was, which I get, but I feel mad at him and I know that is SO UNFAIR and I feel like I am going to start a fight and that is not fair and won't get us anywhere.

I want to drink this away. I am not going to, but I want to.
I am having a hard time handling adult emotions when they may be complicated or not the way I would like.

How to deal? I know, it's the past and I'm acting like an idiot. I know, I know. But typing this has helped. I guess.

Dee74

Hi Niki

I found I didn't deal with much when I was drinking...so I tended to stay at the same emotional maturity level as I did when I started drinking as a young man...

when I stopped drinking, I began to deal with stuff.. and in doing that I kinda naturally faced my own insecurities and little personality flaws...and I did a lot of 'growing up' for want of a better word.

I think you'll find the more you stay sober, the more other things will fall into place for you too

D

Hevyn

Oddly enough, I know just what you mean Niki. I was upset with my boyfriend (now husband) before we got married for things he did before he even knew me. Even prom pictures got me upset, let alone the wedding pictures he still had. Of course, it's silly - but still - they are feelings we have, and they need to be acknowledged and dealt with.

I was terrible at pouring alcohol on thoughts like that - or any uncomfortable feelings. Instead of reasoning things out and trying to figure out why I was upset, I just numbed myself. I never moved forward - until many years later. I was way older than you when I confronted my emotions and reactions - so you're doing well, niki.

Glad you posted. That's what we're here for - to see each other through. It may seem minor, but if it's a hurdle to get over, it's best to talk it out. I hope you feel less anxious now. Congratulations on your 18 days.

Anna

Congratulations on 18 days sober!

You are learning to deal with life, while sober, and it's not easy. I was also at a loss as to appropriate feelings and I felt like a teenager at times. The thing is, it will get easier and each time you get through something like today, you will end up feeling better about yourself, too.

nonblondechef

Sobriety makes us un-numb and causes us to work through rather than drink through those emotions and feelings. I am much older than you and find your noticing triggers to be really awesome - good job! In the reading of your BF, you have described his as caring, sensitive, sober, and sensible. He is there for you when your family hasn't been. He wanted to spare your feelings. He stands beside you - not in front berating you when you have slipped. Sounds pretty dedicated to you, don't you think?

While weddings are wonderful and all, they are over very quickly. A memorable day to be sure, but it will be the life you are creating together that will, in the long run, mean more than a scenic spot to say I do. Way to go on so many levels, Niki - you are doing great!

doggonecarl

Facing these emotions, recognizing that they make you want to drink, then getting through those emotions without alcohol; that is how you deal with them.

Sounds like you are.

773niki

thanks guys.
I'm crying like a crazy person reading these responses. I really appreciate your support, more than you could ever know. Yes, I'm being overly emotional, but I'm not drinking and I will feel better tomorrow.

Thanks again. So much. Sometimes it really is amazing what stuff like this can do - instead of numbing things. I feel like I cry alot lately, at the drop of a pin! But, hey, at least I'm not crying because I have no idea what I did last night.

NoFireWater

Sounds like you had a roller coaster day that started out awesome and went downhill really fast. Sorry that happened-to find what seemed like a perfect spot and realize he had been there, done that already. You'll just have to find an even better and more romantic spot for the two of you! Good for you for coming here to sort out your feelings rather than turning to the bottle!

Very good point about not having to cry about what you did or not remembering last night too

blueshades

You said it, you will feel better in the morning. For what it's worth, I have been dealing with a lot of anger, sadness, etc. since I stopped drinking yet through it all I know it's okay because what I'm feeling is [B}real[/B]. Finding ways to deal with those emotions healthily is our current project. We will get better at this which each passing day that we choose the healthy route over alcohol. We will get there in time!

MemphisBlues

For my first year of sobriety, my trigger was waking up and realizing I still had that oxygen exchange thing and heartbeat.

I had no emotions for that first year, outside of dread. So in a perverse way, I hope you recognize you caught yourself before you numbed your emotions to the point of near no return.

Perhaps the real lesson for you is that you now have emotions, are not drowning them with booze of drugs, and that it is hope that you are learning coping mechanisms.

Heck, I turned off my coping mechanisms at 14.

Thanks for posting here. It's issues like this that made me embrace AA early in my recovery. In many ways, AA reinforces not drinking early in recovery, but as the process evolves you are learning how to deal with life without drinking. I still need that.

Threshold

hugs, niki, I think you're doing great!

saying you are "overly emotional" is a judgment that I'm not sure is true.

We feel what we feel. Many of us drank and drugged because we were uncomfortable with feeling AND that we felt ashamed for feeling as we did, like we had no business feeling that way.

It causes a clog, when we keep stopping those feelings in their tracks, and it can take time to work through the clog, and to learn that it's ok to feel, whatever we feel. The thing is what we do next.

Feeling a feeling, recognizing it and crying, or writing or listening to some music, or telling a friend...all pretty human and healthy things to do.

In time, in sobriety, we learn that making those healthy human choices is OK, and we get more comfortable with it.

Feelings are not facts, but they do help me understand my relationship with reality.

I can use them to help me understand myself and my choices.

I don't have to react to my feelings. Instead I can choose to act, make a rational decision instead of a knee jerk reaction.

you did just that!

when your feelings settle down a bit, maybe you can take a look at why this situation led to those feelings. Those little pauses make a huge difference in our lives.

thanks for sharing your story. Right now I am going through some pretty tender situations, and having some uncomfortable feelings pop up, and this thread is reminding me of the tools I can use to get through this.