Don't even know where to begin
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
Don't even know where to begin
I have been with my AH for 21 years. The past 5 years have been a rapid downslide, with last week being the worst week of our marriage. My AH came out of the garage, loaded a handgun in front of me and held it to his head and told me he was going to blow his brains out and I was going to watch because I wouldn't take him into town to buy more liquor. Then he fired the gun behind himself and I went into the house, locked the door and called 911.
I could not believe what my life had become. My husband spent the last week in jail, he was VERY mad that no one came to bail him out so he could go to work. He went into an inpatient rehab facility Monday and I just hope he can get the help he needs to get better.
I have no idea what the future is going to bring, my whole sense of security is totally gone. Will we even be married a year from now? Is this going to be a constant process of recovery and relapse? I don't even know where to begin...
I could not believe what my life had become. My husband spent the last week in jail, he was VERY mad that no one came to bail him out so he could go to work. He went into an inpatient rehab facility Monday and I just hope he can get the help he needs to get better.
I have no idea what the future is going to bring, my whole sense of security is totally gone. Will we even be married a year from now? Is this going to be a constant process of recovery and relapse? I don't even know where to begin...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
i'm not even sure what to say.
Sounds awful and I can't imagine seeing something like that.
Please make yourself comfortable, there is a lot of info here on the forum, lots of support.
Do some reading around, post as much as you like, we do care about you.
Your questions and concerns are important to us.
love to you Katie
Sounds awful and I can't imagine seeing something like that.
Please make yourself comfortable, there is a lot of info here on the forum, lots of support.
Do some reading around, post as much as you like, we do care about you.
Your questions and concerns are important to us.
love to you Katie
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I'm sorry for the drama you are experiencing. Hang in there, you don't have to figure out the long term future, just take it one step at a time. Learn as much as you can about alcoholics and alcoholism, if only from these boards, because you are absolutely not alone. One of the main things to think about, what are your boundaries going to be?
Living with an A causes the abnormal to become normal. It's crazy what we can "stand", even get used to...until we decide, I am no longer going to take it if such and such happens. Life gets better when you make some rules for your own benefit, to protect yourself and your own mental health.
All the best to you...
Living with an A causes the abnormal to become normal. It's crazy what we can "stand", even get used to...until we decide, I am no longer going to take it if such and such happens. Life gets better when you make some rules for your own benefit, to protect yourself and your own mental health.
All the best to you...
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by kewlgurl 
I have no idea what the future is going to bring, my whole sense of security is totally gone. Will we even be married a year from now? Is this going to be a constant process of recovery and relapse? I don't even know where to begin...
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
That is scary. I too am at a loss for words. And for him to have more concern about getting bailed out for work then to acknowledge the seriousness of this situation is stunning. I wonder if he went into rehab because he felt he had no other option, or if he truly sees this behavior as problematic and alaming.
I think you most definitely need to come up with some healthy boundaries for yourself.
I think you most definitely need to come up with some healthy boundaries for yourself.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by coffeeclouds
I removed all of the guns as soon as AH was out of the house. He has been in long term rehab, but the gun location is not going to be revealed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Babe,
We're not supposed to give advice here, but I will:
Call a domestic violence counselor. And an attorney. You don't have to divorce the guy, but right now, your first concern needs to be YOUR safety.
My story is that I was married to a successful professional alcoholic who slid downhill until one night when he threatened to kill me and the kids and then himself. I left and never looked back.
I didn't realize, then, the amount of damage emotional and verbal abuse does to a person. I didn't think; I was scared spitless and I ran and hid. Sheer knee-jerk reaction. But the thing was, that fear never left. There was no way I could consider going through that again. There was no guarantee it wouldn't happen again if I went back.
Over the years that I've been away from him (and divorced), I've learned how his drinking affected me, and how his emotional and verbal abuse affected me and taught me to doubt not just my worth and value and my judgment, but my very perception of reality. I spent 20 years being told that what I witnessed with my own eyes really didn't happen -- to the point where today, I can still doubt my senses.
Whether or not you will stay married or divorce, living through what you've lived through leaves scars in the form of learned survival skills that are unhealthy for you. And regardless of what happens to you as a couple, you owe it to yourself to heal from those and relearn healthy coping mechanisms.
We're not supposed to give advice here, but I will:
Call a domestic violence counselor. And an attorney. You don't have to divorce the guy, but right now, your first concern needs to be YOUR safety.
My story is that I was married to a successful professional alcoholic who slid downhill until one night when he threatened to kill me and the kids and then himself. I left and never looked back.
I didn't realize, then, the amount of damage emotional and verbal abuse does to a person. I didn't think; I was scared spitless and I ran and hid. Sheer knee-jerk reaction. But the thing was, that fear never left. There was no way I could consider going through that again. There was no guarantee it wouldn't happen again if I went back.
Over the years that I've been away from him (and divorced), I've learned how his drinking affected me, and how his emotional and verbal abuse affected me and taught me to doubt not just my worth and value and my judgment, but my very perception of reality. I spent 20 years being told that what I witnessed with my own eyes really didn't happen -- to the point where today, I can still doubt my senses.
Whether or not you will stay married or divorce, living through what you've lived through leaves scars in the form of learned survival skills that are unhealthy for you. And regardless of what happens to you as a couple, you owe it to yourself to heal from those and relearn healthy coping mechanisms.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
(((kewlgirl))) I can't even imagine how terrifying that must have been. As djayr said, you don't have to figure out the future right now. Take things one day (or hour, or minute) at a time. Keep coming here, keep reading, keep posting. You're not alone, and we care. Sending you many hugs and much support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He is a ticking time bomb.
I would get as far away as humanly possible.
SAVE YOURSELF!.
His actions are not ok, this is unacceptable behavior.
I would consider what just transpired, as a horrible warning of thing to come.
Please keep yourself out of harm's way.
I would get as far away as humanly possible.
SAVE YOURSELF!.
His actions are not ok, this is unacceptable behavior.
I would consider what just transpired, as a horrible warning of thing to come.
Please keep yourself out of harm's way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
All the guns are currently at our local Sheriff's department under lock and key, he is not allowed to posess a firearm as part of his bail bond, he's also not allowed at our residence.
I agree this situation is serious and dangerous. He is getting counseling and psychiatric help.
We have two daughters, 19 and 16 together. Both were in the house and did not see any of these events transpire and I thank God for that everyday! Because I am still having problems dealing with the events and will be going into counseling myself to help work through my feelings.
He has never threatened to hurt me or the girls or has ever laid a hand on any of us. I know some of you think I'm downplaying the situation, but I do realize the seriousness of what has happened. That is why he is currently not allowed at our residence. And will not be until/unless we feel safe. That is why I went into the house immediately and called 911 and had him arrested, and did not go post bail for him to get out of jail.
AH needs to admidt how out of control things have gotten...his way of dealing with the situation is trying to downplay what happened. I talked to his counselor today and she also sees him downplaying how his alcholism has affected our lives. I'm not one to sugar coat things!
My entire life has been turned upside down over the past week. I'm just trying to deal with it and to learn how to move forward and what that will mean.
I agree this situation is serious and dangerous. He is getting counseling and psychiatric help.
We have two daughters, 19 and 16 together. Both were in the house and did not see any of these events transpire and I thank God for that everyday! Because I am still having problems dealing with the events and will be going into counseling myself to help work through my feelings.
He has never threatened to hurt me or the girls or has ever laid a hand on any of us. I know some of you think I'm downplaying the situation, but I do realize the seriousness of what has happened. That is why he is currently not allowed at our residence. And will not be until/unless we feel safe. That is why I went into the house immediately and called 911 and had him arrested, and did not go post bail for him to get out of jail.
AH needs to admidt how out of control things have gotten...his way of dealing with the situation is trying to downplay what happened. I talked to his counselor today and she also sees him downplaying how his alcholism has affected our lives. I'm not one to sugar coat things!
My entire life has been turned upside down over the past week. I'm just trying to deal with it and to learn how to move forward and what that will mean.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Hang in there - I just read a great quote - and it made me feel better today.
"Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor."
I am not trying to downplay the situation, but one day, you might look back at the event as a good thing. He might one day too - no matter where you both end up.
From here forward, I hope for fair winds and following seas to you!
"Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor."
I am not trying to downplay the situation, but one day, you might look back at the event as a good thing. He might one day too - no matter where you both end up.
From here forward, I hope for fair winds and following seas to you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
In retrospect, educating myself about the disease of alcoholism, was the turning point.
When I first started to search for answers, I knew nothing about alcoholism. I did not know that this disease progresses, I just figured I was involved with someone who drank WAY to much. It was more than just his bad behavior, and unacceptable actions. His disease was now making my life unmanagable.
I could not envision myself living in this toxic situation for the rest of my life. The crazytrain was all consuming. It was hard to breathe, to sleep, to eat. I became isolated from friends and family, as I lived in such an embarrassed state. I could not wrap my head around how I allowed my normal peaceful life to become so out of control........
I had to take the necessary steps to ensure my sanity.
Please know we will be here for you. Hope you continue to read, and look forward to reading more of your posts.
You are not alone, my friend.
When I first started to search for answers, I knew nothing about alcoholism. I did not know that this disease progresses, I just figured I was involved with someone who drank WAY to much. It was more than just his bad behavior, and unacceptable actions. His disease was now making my life unmanagable.
I could not envision myself living in this toxic situation for the rest of my life. The crazytrain was all consuming. It was hard to breathe, to sleep, to eat. I became isolated from friends and family, as I lived in such an embarrassed state. I could not wrap my head around how I allowed my normal peaceful life to become so out of control........
I had to take the necessary steps to ensure my sanity.
Please know we will be here for you. Hope you continue to read, and look forward to reading more of your posts.
You are not alone, my friend.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Kewlgirl, I am sending you and your daughters good thoughts and hugs. I was in a situation with some similarities to yours, and had to leave my AH of almost 20 years very suddenly because of his outrageous behavior.
What he did was so striking that it made me take notice and leave. In the past 2 months, I think I have been more astonished by my own mental and emotional state after so many years of living with my AH than I am about what he did that cause me to leave.
It is very important that you are have taken clear actions and set clear boundaries to immediately protect you and your daughters. What happens next can be very enlightening. I had absolutely no idea of how brainwashed I had become, and how difficult it was for me to separate out what my AH wanted versus what I wanted because it was good for me. I had learned to put his interests first, and eventually, to mostly devalue and fail to recognize my own needs. If I didn't, he would psychologically punish me, and I would doubt myself and placate him to make "peace", and the spiral just went deeper with every go-round.
So, this would be a very good time to get counseling for you and your daughters, and to go to some Alanon meetings, and post here often and read the "stickies" - threads of general interest at the top of this Forum just to get as much information as you can.
Post often, our hearts our with you, and there is great wisdom in this forum.
BothSidesNow
What he did was so striking that it made me take notice and leave. In the past 2 months, I think I have been more astonished by my own mental and emotional state after so many years of living with my AH than I am about what he did that cause me to leave.
It is very important that you are have taken clear actions and set clear boundaries to immediately protect you and your daughters. What happens next can be very enlightening. I had absolutely no idea of how brainwashed I had become, and how difficult it was for me to separate out what my AH wanted versus what I wanted because it was good for me. I had learned to put his interests first, and eventually, to mostly devalue and fail to recognize my own needs. If I didn't, he would psychologically punish me, and I would doubt myself and placate him to make "peace", and the spiral just went deeper with every go-round.
So, this would be a very good time to get counseling for you and your daughters, and to go to some Alanon meetings, and post here often and read the "stickies" - threads of general interest at the top of this Forum just to get as much information as you can.
Post often, our hearts our with you, and there is great wisdom in this forum.
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
you are not alone
Kewlgurl,
I too had to call the police after my husband threatened to kill me and himself and my life turned upside down and inside out in a moment. He did not have a gun in his hand and I was petrified....I can't even imagine how frighening that was for you. You have been traumatized. Take care of yourself. I understand the worry about your marriage. But if you're not okay, you can't have a good marriage. You come first right now.
I think some very helpful responses have been posted here. Particularly, that you take one day at a time. I find that I want to know the answers to every question I have about my "new life". When I let myself go there, I become paralyzed. I have found it helpful to just get something accomplished (no matter how small) each day that is for the benefit of me and my children and our health and safety. Give yourself credit for those accomplishments. Don't be too hard on yourself because you have not solved every problem.
It's only been a couple of months since my life was upended...but I have had good days. I know I have a long journey ahead of me. Please keep posting. I feel very cared for here and it is a tremendous comfort.
Hugs,
MamaKit
I too had to call the police after my husband threatened to kill me and himself and my life turned upside down and inside out in a moment. He did not have a gun in his hand and I was petrified....I can't even imagine how frighening that was for you. You have been traumatized. Take care of yourself. I understand the worry about your marriage. But if you're not okay, you can't have a good marriage. You come first right now.
I think some very helpful responses have been posted here. Particularly, that you take one day at a time. I find that I want to know the answers to every question I have about my "new life". When I let myself go there, I become paralyzed. I have found it helpful to just get something accomplished (no matter how small) each day that is for the benefit of me and my children and our health and safety. Give yourself credit for those accomplishments. Don't be too hard on yourself because you have not solved every problem.
It's only been a couple of months since my life was upended...but I have had good days. I know I have a long journey ahead of me. Please keep posting. I feel very cared for here and it is a tremendous comfort.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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