Burst Bubble

Old 08-28-2012, 12:16 PM
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Burst Bubble

Hello all,
I haven’t written in here in several months. I’m afraid I was living the “everything is gonna be alright” magic land. It was nice for a while. My AH went through therapy, meetings, exercised and got fit. He actually got a job and helped around the house and with the kids. We went on outings together as a family, and let me tell you, it didn’t suck. I started to slowly believe in “Happily ever after's” again. In the possibility that maybe this could really work. But…..

Something that I believe is very difficult for my AH to grasp is that raising three children between the ages of 2 and 6 can be stressful and very expensive. Emergencies will always pop up and you have to deal with it. Between the love and laughter there will be screams and tears and an insane amount of responsibility. That is Parenthood. You don’t ever shut it off and you have to bust you’re A$$ and sacrifice to make your kids lives everything you want it to be. You can’t pick and choose when you want to be a parent. Not just when they are being cute, listening to everything you say and just plain little “quiet” angels.

Well I began to notice that my AH strong resolve to be a great dad was beginning to slowly crack. I began to notice little familiar reactions. Falling into familiar habits. Nothing I wanted to really look at, not just yet. I wanted to live the dream a little longer you see because it feels really good to be happy. Quiet a novelty for me. And though I know now it was wrong, I ignored. I started to become the peace maker again. And I started to get angry again. My temper got shorter with the kids as I ran to make my AH life calmer and better. Well it sure paid off.

I week ago on a Monday my husband calls me and tells me that he need to go to a therapy session. That he is sorry he didn’t tell me but he feels he need some extra meetings. My stomach dropped and I instantly knew he was lying to me. I told him fine, goodbye and hung up.

Needless to say he wasn’t home when I got there with the kids. I wasn’t ready to explain to my babies that it was all starting again so I was vague. I went about my nightly routine and ignored his call. While I was changing them into their pajamas he got back. I excused myself from the kids and let him have it. I told him there was a reason I didn’t answer the phone that I didn’t want him in my house that I couldn’t even look at him. Well I know you all know what came next. Groveling, begging my forgiveness, it will never happen again. Once the kids saw him I couldn’t throw him out. This made me even angrier. Well for the next couple of days he was the contrite little mouse. Just doing everything for everyone… until Friday rolled along and he disappeared again.

Now in the past I have been angry but what I felt that night went beyond that. I felt a burning in my head and chest. I swear I felt as if I was going to have some kind of attack, a nervous breakdown at least. But with that burning rage came an eerie calm. I picked up my phone and sent him this text message:

“Our house is not your “sleep off my drug high motel” You will not disrespect me our your children anymore. If you are doing that $hit I do not want you here do you understand me? And if I am being too harsh go live with your mom. She is the only one that gives you that unconditional love right. I am done being played the fool by you. I am done with you treating me and the kids like garbage like nothing. And that is what you do every time you put that poison inside you. If you want to kill yourself with that (rap you will do it without us.”

Was that too harsh? I don’t know, at the time I really didn’t care. Well that night he crept back into the house. That Saturday I made sure the kids were in there room playing and I sat and faced him. I asked him what his plans were because I didn’t want him with us. Since I was not treating him or speaking with respect he became angry and started to raise his voice and curse. In the past this would have scared me and I would have backed down. But no, I looked him right in the eye and told him, without raising my voice, that he better not dare talk tome that way, that I really didn’t care what he thinks and that he ruined everything not me so don’t throw his same $hit on me because I was not buying it. His come back? “I don’t want to talk anymore. I am not going to do anything.” I informed him that we will see about that and that he is on borrowed time.

Well here we are and its Tuesday. We barely speak and it is stressful. Honestly, I just want it over with. There is no room for love with the rage I have inside of me right now. And not just at him but at myself. So I contacted him via email and said that we have to talk tonight and come to some kind of a solution. I told him that I will not live with this anger and stress and I will not subject my kids to it. So while we are deciding what our relationship will be there has to be a peace. He agreed to speak but with a distinct attitude. So how do I handle this? What do I do and say? Any advice is welcome. Thank you.
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:10 PM
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:35 PM
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He already knows your boundaries.

All you can do is ask him his plan, and if he has none, then ask him how soon he can get out of the house. Then in the morning get to several Attorneys and interview each one during the 'pro bono' time they give a prospective new client and ask some questions about your situation, how do you get him out of the house, how do you get him to pay child support, etc I do not know if Florida has a legal separation agreement or not, or if you can set one up or not, or just go straight for the divorce. I would suspect however, to protect you and the children that you would be better off with some 'orders' from the court pertaining to 'supervised visistation' and child support.

J M H O

When you have that discussion this evening, just remember we are there with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:11 PM
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oh yez5, I am so sorry. I have thought of you often and hoped all was going well. My prayers are with you, the kids and that he seeks out help NOW!!!
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:33 PM
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You are on the right tract, set your bounderies and stick to them. Children should never be exposed to addiction. They will carry their childhood into adulthood.
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:37 PM
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(seconded)
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Old 08-28-2012, 05:44 PM
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Yez, so glad to hear from you. It appears your Inner Warrior has finally emerged from the cave. That's a good thing, because gullible, naive, nice girls do not do well married to drug addicts.

No, you were not too harsh. I hope you achieve what you need tonight, whatever is for the highest good of your family.

There is no need to regret the valiant choice to give him another chance. He was working a recovery program, and you gave reunion a go.

It may have been too early to live together again, but only experience could tell you that.

As posted above, I think a legal separation with specific visitation guidelines is the best way to go. He needs to live elsewhere and your family needs the legal protections of a specific separation (or divorce) agreement.

I don't think anyone here needs to advise you about his manipulations or lies nor to warn you to expect the worst of him. If he's using again, as your gut is telling you, you know what happens.

The children.....your 6 year old boy, I remember he is the one most distressed by what has happened with his father's erratic presence and previous disappearances? Have you consulted with a professional about some counseling for your boy? He isn't too young. My son was seven when I left my AH years ago, and my boy received counseling. It's best for the child if he is helped by someone other than a family member, I think.

Whatever is to unfold, I hope you will always feel free to post here for support.

As far as grit goes, I think you've got that handled.
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:15 AM
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Burst Bubble Cont.

Morning Everyone!

Thank you so much for the kind words and support! I am kind of deliriously exhausted this morning so please bare with me if I have too many spelling errors. Recently I have been in a serious health kick and wake up at 4:30 AM every morning to work out like a fool! I know sounds crazy but that is the only way I can get it in with three kooky kids right.

Well here is an update of last nights conversation. First of all we started later than I wanted to since my 2 year old refused to go to sleep without me. But with all three angels/nut bars safely tucked in bed, my coffee in hand and Top Chef in the background (sometimes I need to look at something else to either calm down or hide the fact that if I roll my eyes any higher they might just fall out of my head) I was ready to get down to business.

As soon as I saw his face I knew it would either turn into a yelling match or just him letting me know how upset and angry he was at the way I reacted to his “mistake” and how he is just on his own. Well I was just way too tired to get into a yelling match and for goodness sakes I just got those kids to sleep! So I listened to his usual “bleep” and stayed rather calm. So I took the high road. I said okay maybe I shouldn’t have been so mean (inner eye roll) but it doesn’t change the fact that you betrayed me again and put me in a situation where we have to make some serious decisions about us, the kids and our living situation. I told him I don’t trust him and that maybe too many things have happened for us to ever be able to have a real relationship again. He said his part about maybe he doesn’t trust me or believe in my support. At this point I tuned into Top Chef and checked out some of the awesome dishes, I wish I could cook like that! When I looked back he was all hurt looking and sullen. I asked him what he was thinking and planning. He said that he is trying to deal with how upset he is about what he did, finishing his real estate classes (the latest) and try to figure out how to bring in $$ to the house. He is not ready to give up on being with the kids. I told him that his influence is no good for the kids. He answered that at there age its irrelevant if you can believe that $hit! At this point I knew this “talk” was going nowhere. He was in his defiant mode which I know well. So once Top Chef ended I stood told him I was tired and was going to bed.

So what’s next? I have to make a better plan for our next conversation and maybe get some flip cards! Don’t get me wrong I am not treating this as a joke its just that sometimes I just feel so surreal with my situation that the only way I can deal is to make myself laugh. Because I am so done with the crying bit. I am doing some serious research into separation, visitation and all the Florida laws. I will keep you updated as best I can. Thank you so much for your support and suggestions. PLEASE feel free to give as much as you can. You guys are the best! Talk to you soon
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Old 08-29-2012, 06:33 AM
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So sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm not married or have kids...me and my AF are engaged. I have been to that happy magical everything is going to be ok land that you speak of! It was really great there...couldn't have been any better. Have actually been there a good bit but the horror always seems to find its way back. So sad. I did laugh at ur last post and by NO MEANS is your situation funny but like how you had distraction during the (I'm sure you knew it was going to be pointless) discussion you had. I'll have to try that some time! And I laugh with you to a point too because I sit there and think of how they are and if you don't make a joke of some things it does get ya in the end. I've moved past the crying, I'm sorry, he's sorry, I love you, it will get better phase and now I'm just angry and bitter. It's so hard not to be this way towards him but I just try to avoid him as much as possible and do my own thing. His days are numbered and soon, very soon I hope it just to be me and my girls (3 dogs) moving forward in life. I'm in my mid 30's and want to be with someone who is aware of a world outside of drugs and addict behavior. Someone I can trust and rely on. Best of luck to you!
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