Pigtails

As some of you know I had an upcoming Vegas trip "planned" (as in talked about, while I was drinking, but not set in stone) with my friend for her 30th birthday, and I didn't want to go now that I've re-committed myself to sobriety. She is my "drinking buddy" and rather drama-prone and I was afraid to tell her I couldn't go. I took your advice and told her straight up that I couldn't go and why.

I told her I cannot go to Vegas with her because I don't have much money after having to travel home for my grandmother's funeral, and also because I'm trying not to drink and Vegas would be too tempting for me. I told her I'm sorry and that I would love to take her to dinner or a spa or anything else she wants to do to celebrate her birthday.

As you all know I had been really worried about her reaction but she just smiled and said "thanks, that would be great," and then she that she understands that crap happens and she knows how hard a death can be. I am really grateful for her understanding, perhaps she is a better friend than I thought.

This has been a really good exercise for me in putting my own needs and priorities first, and speaking my truth. It helped that it turned out much better than I thought, but I was prepared for whatever her reaction was because I know I have to love myself first. Another poster's thread inspired me to tell her NOW, today, that I can't go, rather than putting it off (she had just texted me asking if I'd made it home safely, so I thought I better tell her now). Thank you all for the support.

Sapling

Good job Pigtails.....I'm glad it worked out.....I found getting sober is a real lesson in finding out who your "friends" really are.

Anna

Pigtails, speaking your truth will keep you on the road to recovery.

Happier

Congratulations. What an good and inspirational example you have provided! It must feel great to have successfully dealt with it. Another victory that will strengthen you and all who read this post.
Thanks.

Pondlady

Pigtails,
I'm so happy it worked out this way, and you told her even though you weren't sure how it would play out. There are situations I don't want to be in and that's ok.....I'm learning to not feel guilty making choices that are better for me You are too

freshstart57

I am glad this worked out so well for you both, Pigtails. You are able to celebrate her day, but you will do it on your terms. Boundaries are good. Well done.

NoFireWater

You must feel so relieved that you've told her and it went better than you had expected! Glad you did it sooner rather than later so you didn't have to worry about it. She did have a nice response, and it paves the way for a friendship that doesn't revolve around drinking, bonus!!

We really do have to make sure our needs are a priority in this process, but if the process is working everyone in our lives gets their needs met more as well.

Etta

That's great to hear. One of my biggest obstacles to getting sober has been the fear of how my friends will react, many of whom are heavy drinkers. I realize that I need to do what I need to do, but it's great to hear that your friend responded that way. It's clear to me that I need to learn how to set boundaries. Thanks for sharing.

Grace2

That's really good Pigtails. So glad everything worked out well for you. I need to learn how to put my priorities in order to, i.e in looking after myself and my needs. I find it very difficult to say no to people.

You should be proud of yourself.

Big hugs

Gxx

RevivingOphelia

That is super terrific!

onlythetruth

Great job, Pigtails. I recall doing stuff like this--sticking up for myself--and being both shocked and thrilled that the world didn't stop turning! It's a great feeling and each experience like this will build upon itself. You CAN take care of yourself, you CAN set boundaries, and no matter what the reaction, you WILL be okay!

Pigtails

Hi, I don't know if this will help you but I thought I would share it in case. The first time I stopped drinking for a significant period of time (7.5 months), I was pretty afraid of what people would think. My identity was all wrapped up in drinking/going out and I couldn't really fathom a different kind of life for myself. I did tell people I wasn't drinking but I continued to go out with them and just not drink-- looking back, it was a recipe for failure. I needed to learn how to say no to people, to figure out and enforce what I needed and wanted, and to put myself about everyone else (and above drinking alcohol at all costs).

Sometimes I would go out with people out of obligation and feel like I would rather be home alone but not want to hurt their feelings by leaving (I do think there will always be a bit of this going on, because I realize that alcohol is out there and I sometimes have to be around it out of social obligations -- but I hope to minimize those times). Other times I would want to go out and have fun and hope that either I could have fun without drinking, or I would start to wish I could drink. So I was uncertain of what I wanted. I missed the party girl side of me and thought that it helped me loosen up and fit in with other people. I would go out with people and *want* to drink and feel deprived.

Eventually I thought, well, I'll just do some coke... that's not drinking, it's not my problem/addiction, and it will allow me to get a buzz and fit in with everyone else. That was my downfall because in my opinion what I needed to learn to do was be comfortable with myself and get to know myself in my natural state without having my mind altered-- so coke was just as bad as alcohol (and then I would smoke pot which again in my opinion is just as bad for me as alcohol due to the fact that it allows me to escape from reality, and THAT is my main problem, no matter what substance I use to achieve that). And of course I felt I had let myself down by using drugs and I had guilt and felt like a failure and thought okay well why not drink, especially after things in my life got really rough and it was easier to turn back to old patterns and coping mechanisms than really deal with things.

So this time around, I'm protecting my sobriety at all costs. I realize that necessarily involves telling people NO, potentially hurting their feelings or getting a negative reaction from them, "letting them down"... all things I was really afraid of in the past, but I see now that it is part of the cycle that is my problem. To know who I am and stand up for what I want, I have to be okay with realizing that I can't please everyone and I'm all that matters.

I'm also trying hard to stay away from social drinking situations for awhile so that I can just focus on myself without the distraction of "am I going to want to drink?" etc. And a cool thing is happening... I'm getting back into old hobbies and interests I had when I was in high school and early college (before I drank). I realize I am a rather solitary person and I live in my head a lot and that's fine. I enjoy reading, writing, jogging, reading about the latest developments in my professional field as well as the writing/publishing industry... all things that might sound boring to other people but that I truly like to do. So I'm embracing them and I don't even miss going out. It's definitely different than it was last time (I'm somewhere between two and three weeks in this time around... honestly I don't even count every day, which is also different from last time). I guess I don't worry so much about being the people-pleasing party girl when I'm focused on being ME.

Best wishes in your journey.

Lost3000

So glad you didn't go Pigtails. It didn't sound like a good idea given where you are.

I've heard this said a few times by a few different people, that they don't go to bars, or be around drinking, unless they have a very good reason to do so. And even then, these persons leave early. I agree. So far, I've had one occasion to be in a bar in which I felt I had a very good reason to be there, and so I went, but left early. Otherwise, I have no business in a bar, or being around others drinking. It really doesn't fit into my life whatsoever.

I've noticed something recently. For those of us who've maintained less than a year's worth of sobriety - and relapsed - I noticed that one thing is in common. Every single person who talks about it says that they always held out some hope of drinking again. That maybe they could just do AA for awhile and then someday would be able to drink normally again.

I believe that that kind of thinking is what leads to relapse. Although I have no reasonable explanation for the old timers that relapse. It's hard for me to figure out how someone with 5, 6, 7, 10, 20 years can drink again. Sometimes I think those people believe they are "cured" because they've gone so long without a drink.

Anyway, I'm glad you are keeping up the sobriety. I love hearing about you doing things you used to do.

Live2Run25

I'm so glad that this worked out for you!! that's great.

choublak

Not too long ago an aunt of mine, who isn't alcoholic, was saying she didn't see a problem with recovering alcoholics going to Vegas because "there are other things to do in Vegas." She doesn't get it, but that's okay because it's not her problem to get. But yeah, congrats for knowing how to advocate for yourself whatever other's reactions may be.

ReadyAndAble

Good for you, Pigtails.

I suspect on some level I avoided reading this thread yesterday because I was afraid of what I'd see. Vegas. It just does not have a good history on SR. (Sorry to anyone who lives there or loves it, but you just don't see the same kinds of posts about Cleveland.)

Etta

That's awesome, Pigtails. You hit the nail on the head with the people-pleasing comment. I have a huge problem with that and I see dealing with that as being crucial to me getting serious with dealing with my drinking problem. I'm a solitary person as well, and I think I need to accept that about myself, too.

Pigtails

Yeah, I actually had a boyfriend whose parents were long-term recovering alcoholics with decades of sobriety in AA. They enjoyed going to Vegas without drinking-- they didn't even gamble!-- but enjoyed shopping, shows, restaurants, the pool, etc. I GET that there are a lot of things to do in Vegas, and I do think about going there to run the Vegas Half Marathon and/or see the Beatles Love Show again (I love it!), but right now it is too tempting due to all the ALCOHOL!

Lost3000

There are. I was thinking of going there for my 40th birthday. At first I thought, oh no, that's a ridiculous idea, when my husband first presented it. But then I started looking, and there IS quite a bit to do outside of the drink fest. Shows, museums, a lake. We ultimately decided against it to save money for something else -- I bought a piano and am now taking lessons! But... I don't view it as somewhere I need to stay away from. The shows alone had me excited to go.

Mcribb

I had to cancel things because my sobriety came first. It was easier to feel good about my actions once I really wrote down and paid attention on what I was gaining. I was gaining a healthier body (which you can't put a price on) I was giving myself some much needed love and attention. It also gave me the chance to do research on what could be fun for me to do other than go on boozing trips. I found I like excersize and sports. Your experiences will help you so I hope you have a positive attitude and embrace whatever life gives you.