rhondaseven

Any suggestions to handle the new sober A. He has been sober for about 3wks and is going to AA meetings daily, visited with his sponsor today for a couple of hours. BUT he is all over the place emotionally, he is either indifferent or just a scoul on his face and acts angry at the world. Or he is just obnoxious and constantly making digs at me or trying to correct me on something. He can also be overly excited and happy and plum goofy at times. :rotfxko How do you handle someone like this? I am going to meetings as well, I arrested my drinking 20 plus years ago through a spirtual experience, and have been in alanon and AA but I haven't seen alot on how to keep a certain amount of sanity with this and not take their absolute hatefulness to heart and rise above it. It is so draining.

thanks!!

Zube

3 whole weeks?

Time takes time.

Zube

FenwayFaithful

I would say realize you can't control his moods. He is of course going to have moods swings when he's getting sober. When he starts acting like an ass then separate yourself from him. Go to a movie, go to another room, go on a run, take a shower, go to a meeting...just do something to get away from him and let him get over his bad mood by himself. Is there an possibly way he can move out or you can move out for a bit while he gets his priorities straight?

Say "I can't talk to you when you're like this. When you're in a better mood we can discuss it" or simply just get up and walk out of the room. When my Ex decided to get clean/sober for like the 2 weeks he actually dedicated himself to it that's how I handled it. And we lived in a one-room apartment so mostly I just went out, to the coffee shop down the street or for a walk.

rhondaseven

Funny Zube.. lol 3 wks isn't any time at all, that wasn't the question or point. i was asking how "the been there" on this site dealt with this part of it, I know if they are with an A and he or she is sober they went through this. thanks

itsmylifenow

My xabf went dry for one whole month (to prove that he wasn't an A) and let me tell you he was the most miserable ******* on the face of the earth that month. His body had gone through all kinds of withdrawal and his need to drink was still there - he just replaced it with getting high more. But, nothing could take the place of that bottle of alcohol to keep his mood in check.

It will take time for the effects of alcohol to get out of their system. I have no further reference to that except my own experience.

Maybe put some boundaries in place that when he's really unruly you will speak to him at another time.

tomsteve

there are very good suggestion in the big book in the chapter" the family afterwards" and "to wives."

Seren

Hi Rhonda,

From what I have read here, this sort of thing is pretty classic behavior for a recovering alcoholic in the early days.

If it were me, I would set the boundaries firmly in place about what sort of behavior I can accept and be around ("if you continue to be critical of everything I'm doing or everyone in the world, either you have to leave and go do something else, or I will").

Remember, too, that his moods are his moods. Just because he's cranky doesn't mean that you have share that with him or try to "make it better" for him.

Congratulations to him on his 3 weeks! HG

keepingmyjoy1

Hi Rhonda, my STXAH has quit drinking, goes to 2 AA meetings a day. He started because I told him I was done, we need to separate, and I took my wedding rings off to confirm the point. Now, after 2 weeks of not drinking (notice I did not say sober!), he is having the same behaviors that you mention. Yes, it is draining--exhausting in fact. We are co-existing in this house at the moment. He says he will find a place to live. Yeah, we shall see. I am still looking. But, drunk or sober, he still can just be a mean son of a b****. I, for one, am totally done with it all. I deserve, and you do too!, a peaceful life. As for how to handle it? I can only say that after "handling it" with love, kindness, forgiveness, understanding, and support for 14 years...I am exhausted, tired to the core of being the whipping post, and getting off this crazy train. Sorry I don't have anything further to offer...it's just that my sanity left a long time ago and I can't regain it while living with him. Please just know that I understand how it feels to be in your spot, and I send hugs and support your way.

Florence

My RAH has almost a year under his belt and he is only RECENTLY, like within the last couple of months, on an even keel, in a good mood, able to make plans for the near future, etc etc. It takes time. Those first few weeks/months were miserable. My challenge was to detach and not let it get to me.

FireSprite

Yes, this exactly. My best advice is to go your own way & focus on your own recovery as much as possible. We literally COULDN'T connect for months in the earliest part of AH's sobriety. The constantly changing moods were as big a surprise to him as it was to me so he struggled with trying to control it a lot at first, which was fruitless.

Detaching came in very, very handy at this stage for me. I also had to remind myself again of the 4 basic agreements; especially not taking everything personally.

dancingnow

Agree with this and other posters.

Detachment and working my program was key for me.

Stepping away from my RAH's drama and being very clear and concise about my boundaries gave me peace and has helped us regain some of our connection.

I enjoy the good parts and step away from the energy drain. Now after 6 months sobriety it is easier. What I am finding though is there is so little of who I thought my RAH was when we got married. I'm not sure how much of it is the alcoholism, how much just growing old and how much is my living in a fantasy.

Florence

Very true. It's like being with a different person altogether, which is both good and bad. Mostly disorienting.

NYCDoglvr

[QUOTE]Any suggestions to handle the new sober A. He has been sober for about 3wks and is going to AA meetings daily, visited with his sponsor today for a couple of hours. BUT he is all over the place emotionally, he is either indifferent or just a scoul on his face and acts angry at the world. Or he is just obnoxious and constantly making digs at me or trying to correct me on something. He can also be overly excited and happy and plum goofy at times.[QUOTE]

The first 90 days or so are brutal for recovering alcoholics. Mood changes happen frequently (I described it as 24/day PMS in a full moon). The withdrawal of alcohol takes a long time, especially for daily drinkers who consumed big quantities over years.
Not everyone who stops drinking goes through this. Some do, many don't. But three weeks is very, very early recovery. If he continues a serious program with daily meetings and a sponsor but continues this behavior, then it isn't withdrawal.

Most alcoholics also mourn the loss of the most important thing in their life, alcohol.

I suggest Alanon and waiting a few months to see what happens. IN the meantime, give him a wide berth, don't engage in confrontational conversations or react to what he says. This is a very solitary journey, not one you can be part of.