Need some advice please!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Need some advice please!!
My 18yr old, sweet, loving daughter still "hates" her father for his addiction. She wants nothing to do with him still - even though he is working a strong recovery program. She takes it personally, like I did with the "If he really loved us he would stop or he never would have"..thinking! The truth is - she would never had known if I didn't kick him out and tell her. By all appearances, he "appeared" to be a loving husband and father.
She still got a car, money, had her friends here all time, Iphone, new clothes, etc. He helped her with her projects and they were so cute together. She was trying to talk him into a cruise the day before the I discovered he was taking pills again and kicked him out.
She is allowing her choices, her future to be effected. She refuses to allow "him" to pay for college so now she won't go (and she got a scholarship). She refuses to attend ala-teen, ala-non or see a counselor. I know she is wounded and I am afraid she will carry these feelings into all her future choices.
I am doing my best to stay out of it - telling myself "it's his problem to fix and it's their relationship" but I don't want her to cut off her nose to spite her face either.
Addiction has done enough damage. I want healing, forgiveness, and love!!
Any advice welcomed.
She still got a car, money, had her friends here all time, Iphone, new clothes, etc. He helped her with her projects and they were so cute together. She was trying to talk him into a cruise the day before the I discovered he was taking pills again and kicked him out.
She is allowing her choices, her future to be effected. She refuses to allow "him" to pay for college so now she won't go (and she got a scholarship). She refuses to attend ala-teen, ala-non or see a counselor. I know she is wounded and I am afraid she will carry these feelings into all her future choices.
I am doing my best to stay out of it - telling myself "it's his problem to fix and it's their relationship" but I don't want her to cut off her nose to spite her face either.
Addiction has done enough damage. I want healing, forgiveness, and love!!
Any advice welcomed.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by BeavsDad 
Drama.
"Well sweetie, I'm sorry you have decided not to further your education. I wish you'd reconsider. Until then, your rent will be due on the 1st."
"Well sweetie, I'm sorry you have decided not to further your education. I wish you'd reconsider. Until then, your rent will be due on the 1st."
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Absolutely agree with BeavsDad.
But since she is living elsewhere for now, that leverage won't work.
She needs a counselor. No one else but a professional can help her with this. Her father BETRAYED her. He POSED as one thing but was in fact SOMEONE ELSE. This shakes all of us, and it hurts to the core, and she is flailing in angry response.
If she relies on you for anything.....money, anything......then she is still under the umbrella of parental dependency. And you are within your parental rights, therefore, to create standards of behavior concerning family health issues--physical and emotional.
This means no active addicts live under the family roof. And it can also mean that your dependents receive quality mental and physical health care.
So, if you support her financially, I would negotiate that with her, using that financial dependency as leverage that she see a professional counselor.
If she is completely independent, I would simply and kindly offer to pay for counseling, now or anytime in the future, so she may receive the gift of support from someone who accepts her unconditionally.
She was an innocent child in that home and she deserves the healing she needs and which you are unable to give her. It should be a professional with no family ties.
Things will calm eventually, I think, so that she will be willing to receive counseling, which is just for her and not for anyone else.
But since she is living elsewhere for now, that leverage won't work.
She needs a counselor. No one else but a professional can help her with this. Her father BETRAYED her. He POSED as one thing but was in fact SOMEONE ELSE. This shakes all of us, and it hurts to the core, and she is flailing in angry response.
If she relies on you for anything.....money, anything......then she is still under the umbrella of parental dependency. And you are within your parental rights, therefore, to create standards of behavior concerning family health issues--physical and emotional.
This means no active addicts live under the family roof. And it can also mean that your dependents receive quality mental and physical health care.
So, if you support her financially, I would negotiate that with her, using that financial dependency as leverage that she see a professional counselor.
If she is completely independent, I would simply and kindly offer to pay for counseling, now or anytime in the future, so she may receive the gift of support from someone who accepts her unconditionally.
She was an innocent child in that home and she deserves the healing she needs and which you are unable to give her. It should be a professional with no family ties.
Things will calm eventually, I think, so that she will be willing to receive counseling, which is just for her and not for anyone else.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
What EnglishGarden says. Please get your daughter some professional counseling.
I cannot fathom the depths of betrayal she must be feeling now. She is young. She loves her father. This, from what I gather from your post, is new to her now.
IMHO, this is not a tough love situation. She didn't cause his problem, but rather his bulldozer just ran her over.
This is NOT her father's job to fix! An addict can't fix anything.
Please, be her mother and intervene.
I cannot fathom the depths of betrayal she must be feeling now. She is young. She loves her father. This, from what I gather from your post, is new to her now.
IMHO, this is not a tough love situation. She didn't cause his problem, but rather his bulldozer just ran her over.
This is NOT her father's job to fix! An addict can't fix anything.
Please, be her mother and intervene.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
She is 18 and does not live with you. If she is not financially dependent on you then all you can do is discuss your concerns with her. Is there someone else she listens to who could also speak to her? Would she be receptive to the idea of counseling or seeing a therapist?
Does she think she will never want to go to college or that she could get another scholarship later? Some scholarships are only open to first time incoming freshmen and can't be re-awarded if she applies again next year. If she has a scholarship like that, then she might want to ask if she can get a deferral in case she wants to attend the following year without losing the scholarship.
Even if she does not attend college right way, it is not the end of the world. She may really need the time to work things out for herself. Hopefully, if she makes mistakes she will learn from them and be able to move forward.
Does she think she will never want to go to college or that she could get another scholarship later? Some scholarships are only open to first time incoming freshmen and can't be re-awarded if she applies again next year. If she has a scholarship like that, then she might want to ask if she can get a deferral in case she wants to attend the following year without losing the scholarship.
Even if she does not attend college right way, it is not the end of the world. She may really need the time to work things out for herself. Hopefully, if she makes mistakes she will learn from them and be able to move forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Have you tried sitting down and all 3 talking it out. Discussing how she feels. It sounds like she might be harboring feelings of hurt from her mother? Counseling?
Sounds like she is so hurt and keeping it all in. She also sounds very stubborn. Do everything you can to help her, but it is her life to walk and learn.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope she finds forgiveness.
Sounds like she is so hurt and keeping it all in. She also sounds very stubborn. Do everything you can to help her, but it is her life to walk and learn.
Good luck to you and your family. I hope she finds forgiveness.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((LMN)) - my niece is 19, her mama died in a car wreck when she was 1, her dad is an A. She adored him when she was little, he is NOT in recovery (in fact, he's in prison again) and wants nothing to do with him.
I pushed the counseling thing (my stepmom and dad have raised her, both raging codies) but she wouldn't open up.
The most I have been able to do is take advantage of opportunities. When she wants to talk about her dad or my sm (her g'ma who is also an A), we do. I share my ES&H as both an RA and a recovering codie. It's the best I can do.
She has a HUGE anger problem and I can't fix it. The best I can do is set a role model for her and give her some info when the time seems right.
I know how this must hurt. My niece is like the child I never had...I couldn't love her more if she was mine. I've just had to learn (thanks to everyone here) that's there's only so much I can do. I can't fix her any more than I could fix anyone else in my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I pushed the counseling thing (my stepmom and dad have raised her, both raging codies) but she wouldn't open up.
The most I have been able to do is take advantage of opportunities. When she wants to talk about her dad or my sm (her g'ma who is also an A), we do. I share my ES&H as both an RA and a recovering codie. It's the best I can do.
She has a HUGE anger problem and I can't fix it. The best I can do is set a role model for her and give her some info when the time seems right.
I know how this must hurt. My niece is like the child I never had...I couldn't love her more if she was mine. I've just had to learn (thanks to everyone here) that's there's only so much I can do. I can't fix her any more than I could fix anyone else in my life.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Also, her BFFs mother allows drinking and over night boyfriends so.....
She is also sporting a new tattoo on her shoulder - something I had said NO to until at least 21 yrs old.
She has always been such a sweet and caring person. Shehas never caused one bit of heart ache so I kind of think she is "rebelling" in some ways too. Am I minimizing the effects of addiction? (She does not understand addiction at all...she thinks it's like smoking...you just quit! I did too!!)
She is also sporting a new tattoo on her shoulder - something I had said NO to until at least 21 yrs old.
She has always been such a sweet and caring person. Shehas never caused one bit of heart ache so I kind of think she is "rebelling" in some ways too. Am I minimizing the effects of addiction? (She does not understand addiction at all...she thinks it's like smoking...you just quit! I did too!!)
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by peaceandgrace
What EnglishGarden says. Please get your daughter some professional counseling.
I cannot fathom the depths of betrayal she must be feeling now. She is young. She loves her father. This, from what I gather from your post, is new to her now.
IMHO, this is not a tough love situation. She didn't cause his problem, but rather his bulldozer just ran her over.
This is NOT her father's job to fix! An addict can't fix anything.
Please, be her mother and intervene.
I cannot fathom the depths of betrayal she must be feeling now. She is young. She loves her father. This, from what I gather from your post, is new to her now.
IMHO, this is not a tough love situation. She didn't cause his problem, but rather his bulldozer just ran her over.
This is NOT her father's job to fix! An addict can't fix anything.
Please, be her mother and intervene.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
an addict in recovery for three months?????????
addicts understand each other. but they, especially in early recovery, have a very hard time comprehending the betrayal a loved one feels...very hard time
throw into the mix the gender and age differences and, well...
leaving it alone can do more harm then you might imagine
if you were involved in her perception of him when he was using, why would you as a mother/wife/codie-in-recovery choose to not work with trying to at least make good on the part that you may have played in her perception of him when he was using?
did he go to rehab?
if so then a family session could be arranged
addicts understand each other. but they, especially in early recovery, have a very hard time comprehending the betrayal a loved one feels...very hard time
throw into the mix the gender and age differences and, well...
leaving it alone can do more harm then you might imagine
if you were involved in her perception of him when he was using, why would you as a mother/wife/codie-in-recovery choose to not work with trying to at least make good on the part that you may have played in her perception of him when he was using?
did he go to rehab?
if so then a family session could be arranged
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Is this the daughter that you adopted after your husband split with his ex; who was an addict and gave up custody of both daughter (and the son who is still a minor but has so many emotional / mental issues that he can no longer live at home)
When this daughter was a minor did she get counseling for everything she went through? And any counseling on her mothers addiction issues, and overall how addiction works?
Seems to me maybe she is tying back her fathers addiction to the feelings still unresolved with her mother and abandonment.
I'm not sure I would try to push counseling on her now that she is of age; your chance was when she was a minor in your care. I don't think trying to manipulate her into therapy now is appropriate. If she did go through counseling, then she knows its available to her again when / if she is ready.
Also, a while back I think you were praising your daughter for being strong and going no contact with her father. It seems to me that you have changed your stance with your husband; and now you expect her to follow you in that. But it was only a month ago he was still detoxing from subs, and so maybe she just needs more time for him to prove his recovery to her; especially given the trauma of what happened with her biological mother.
I think she needs some counseling, but other than suggesting it to her in a caring motherly way, I would not try to manipulate her through financial means.
She is an adult now, and deserves to work out the relationship with her dad on her own.
When this daughter was a minor did she get counseling for everything she went through? And any counseling on her mothers addiction issues, and overall how addiction works?
Seems to me maybe she is tying back her fathers addiction to the feelings still unresolved with her mother and abandonment.
I'm not sure I would try to push counseling on her now that she is of age; your chance was when she was a minor in your care. I don't think trying to manipulate her into therapy now is appropriate. If she did go through counseling, then she knows its available to her again when / if she is ready.
Also, a while back I think you were praising your daughter for being strong and going no contact with her father. It seems to me that you have changed your stance with your husband; and now you expect her to follow you in that. But it was only a month ago he was still detoxing from subs, and so maybe she just needs more time for him to prove his recovery to her; especially given the trauma of what happened with her biological mother.
I think she needs some counseling, but other than suggesting it to her in a caring motherly way, I would not try to manipulate her through financial means.
She is an adult now, and deserves to work out the relationship with her dad on her own.
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
YES, 90 days clean and working a strong program!! Recovery starts the day you surrender and every day you chose NOT to use or drink. As a mother/wife?codie-in-recovery, I have tried to talk to her but I am powerless over her decisions. I can not control her. Step 1
Thank you for you reply!
Thank you for you reply!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 83
Try writing her a letter, starting with letting her know that you wish you could take her pain away. Draw some similarities you both share - feelings of betrayal and anger. She sounds very wounded and hurt - by getting your mother/daughter relationship back on track, she will eventually let her guard down and bond with you. I think at 18, she's probably still "needing" her parents, but she's too hurt to admit that. Maybe a common foundation of how you both are hurt, angry and betrayed may give her a way back into needing you, again. She has a right to be angry with her father, and it would be good for her to know her feelings are valid.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Wow, you have a great memory Alforcnm. Nice recap! (Nice to see you and hope all is going well with you too.)
When my daughter went to counseling a few years ago, she actually seemed to like it. I am not sure why the sudden change in attitude.
In any event, I see my therapist on Thursday - it will be interesting to see what her advice will be!
When my daughter went to counseling a few years ago, she actually seemed to like it. I am not sure why the sudden change in attitude.
In any event, I see my therapist on Thursday - it will be interesting to see what her advice will be!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 5
every person is diffrent but maybe she feels uncomfortable going to counsling or talking to someone about it.. im 20 and honestly counsling frightens me and i have been asked over and over to go... the more people ask me the less i want to go..... but again she might be diffrent... u can bring up counsling but dont bugg her about it or question the way she does things like not letting him pay for college... shes hurt and right now maybe she doesnt know who to trust and is hearing so many veiw points that she might not know what to think.... be pateint with her but let her know that u do care and that u will listin... maybe she has a freind in her life who has gone threw something like that or a young adult< see if they could talk to them... sometimes at that age its easier to talk to some one closer to her age......
i have never gone through that but i have gone through most of my life not having my mom there... i know what its like to be hurt from my parents choices even after they have changed.... sometimes even when they try sometimes u wonder as a child if they will ever go back or if what they are doing is like an act.... or sometimes they hold on to that grudge intill they learn how to forgive them.
i really wish the best for u guys and i hope that someday ur daughter can have that father and daughter relationship thats good... but sometimes it takes time and she is probably really hurt.... ill be praying for ya guys
i have never gone through that but i have gone through most of my life not having my mom there... i know what its like to be hurt from my parents choices even after they have changed.... sometimes even when they try sometimes u wonder as a child if they will ever go back or if what they are doing is like an act.... or sometimes they hold on to that grudge intill they learn how to forgive them.
i really wish the best for u guys and i hope that someday ur daughter can have that father and daughter relationship thats good... but sometimes it takes time and she is probably really hurt.... ill be praying for ya guys
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
LMN just give her time. you have explained to her all the options for her, but she isnt ready so all the councilling in the world is not going to help if she is not ready to start healing. as hard as it is, you can only sit back and be there when she needs you. its time to let her start owning her own decisions, and the consequences that may follow...as hard as that is. just make sure you getting all the support for yourself. and make sure you are doing fun things with your daughter to ensure that you are both keeping your own relationship healthy. show her that you trust that she is making the right decisions for herself. (whether you agree with them or not)
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like you have expectations as to how she should feel about her father. He may have given her all the stuff, but he was lying to her the whole time.
It is really hard to watch your 18 year old make choices that may be harmful. However, they are her choices.
It is really hard to watch your 18 year old make choices that may be harmful. However, they are her choices.
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