Advice on divulging the 'dirty little secret'
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Advice on divulging the 'dirty little secret'
Advice on divulging the 'dirty little secret' -- I am asking anyone who is in recovery (an alcohholic) and others who are family and/or friends of an alcoholic as I am the mom of an alcoholic.
ASon is married with children.
This is my question. My son's inlaws know he is an alcoholic. My brother in law on my husband's side knows my son is an alcoholic. My sister in law on my husband's side knows our son has a drinking problem. In a more recent conversation with our ASon I said I am going to be telling Aunt (my sister) of your alcoholism. I told him she asks about him and the kids every conversation. I avoid the subject or say all is the same (marriage is not good).
He was angry and basically told me to mind my own busienss and he wouldn't tell our family secrets (which we have none).
Is it wrong to tell my sister my son is an alcoholic??? Am I wrong? Is it 'his' information to share? My sister (who I share almost everything with) will be hurt to think everyone knew except her. That issue makes me sad because I do share with her, for her love and support...and understanding.
An Alanon friend told me my ASon didn't want his cover removed.
Please comment. What are your thoughts?
ASon is married with children.
This is my question. My son's inlaws know he is an alcoholic. My brother in law on my husband's side knows my son is an alcoholic. My sister in law on my husband's side knows our son has a drinking problem. In a more recent conversation with our ASon I said I am going to be telling Aunt (my sister) of your alcoholism. I told him she asks about him and the kids every conversation. I avoid the subject or say all is the same (marriage is not good).
He was angry and basically told me to mind my own busienss and he wouldn't tell our family secrets (which we have none).
Is it wrong to tell my sister my son is an alcoholic??? Am I wrong? Is it 'his' information to share? My sister (who I share almost everything with) will be hurt to think everyone knew except her. That issue makes me sad because I do share with her, for her love and support...and understanding.
An Alanon friend told me my ASon didn't want his cover removed.
Please comment. What are your thoughts?
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While my husband was drinking, I told only the people closest to me because I needed to be able to talk about it. His story is my story too, but I was choosy about who to tell. DH was high functioning and the world at large wouldn't have suspected. I am private by nature.
I don't know why, but now that he's sober (in his 3rd year of recovery) I do think its his choice whether to tell people about his alcoholism and never disclose it myself. I find that he's very willing now to be open about it.
I don't know why, but now that he's sober (in his 3rd year of recovery) I do think its his choice whether to tell people about his alcoholism and never disclose it myself. I find that he's very willing now to be open about it.
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One of the things that I now regret was to try to keep the "secret" from my immediate family. I actually had to lie in order to keep it "secret"....Saying things like 'everything is o.k." when the police had been to the house last night---and I had no sleep in 24hrs. Saying he was away on a trip, when he was in jail, etc... I deprived myself of much needed family support and kept myself in even more isolation from my loved ones. When the secret was finally out, they were very sympathetic to me.
People will find out---it is another of the consequences of alcoholism.
I would not feel the same about someone who was in recovery and working a program--not need to disclose.
dandylion
People will find out---it is another of the consequences of alcoholism.
I would not feel the same about someone who was in recovery and working a program--not need to disclose.
dandylion
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She's YOUR sister and you obviously have a relationship with her and want to stop lying by omission, is that so? Then tell her what YOU need to tell her, for your own conscience and your own sanity. You don't need permission from him or anyone else to discuss with your family whatever you need to discuss. You are only as sick as your secrets but the truth shall set you free.
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Originally Posted by SettingSunset 
Please comment. What are your thoughts?
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hi SettingSunset - I know your dilemna. My AH didn't "let me" tell anyone about his alcoholism for quite some time. It was a point of contention between us - he felt like I didn't have the right to tell people since it was *his* problem. Newsflash...it's my problem, too! I told him that it wasn't fair for him to have a support system and for me not to have one. He's still uncomfortable with me telling anyone, and so far, I've just told two friends (unfortunately i don't really talk to either of them anymore so there goes that support network) and my sister. I'm TERRIFIED to tell my parents. I have no idea how to even tell them. They're not stupid - they've seen him drink too much - but being from an old world mentality, drinking to excess at family gatherings & holidays isn't out of the ordinary.
My dad has a drinking problem as well - when he retired, he was hiding vodka in water bottles - and my mom told him stop or get out...so that makes things more complicated and I feel like my mom will not be understanding or supportive. Both my parents are shocked that AH has turned out as well as he has given the family issues he had growing up (kicked out of the house too too young, went to go live with his older half-sister, parents are completely out of his life). To the outside world, he DOES look put together - he's a professor and is teaching his guts out - but to the small circle of people in the know, he's in a world of hurt.
For those of us with the private pain of having an alcoholic in our lives, it's terribly isolating and a heavy burden to bear alone. I'm still trying to figure out who to "trust" with this information. Right now, the folks I've been most honest with have been my sister (although we haven't discussed it in weeks) and my BIL & SIL, and although they're on AH's "side" and are encouraging me to keep talking to him and telling me that change won't happen overnight. Sigh.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's your problem, too. Tell whomever you need to have in your support network so that they can actually help & support you.
My dad has a drinking problem as well - when he retired, he was hiding vodka in water bottles - and my mom told him stop or get out...so that makes things more complicated and I feel like my mom will not be understanding or supportive. Both my parents are shocked that AH has turned out as well as he has given the family issues he had growing up (kicked out of the house too too young, went to go live with his older half-sister, parents are completely out of his life). To the outside world, he DOES look put together - he's a professor and is teaching his guts out - but to the small circle of people in the know, he's in a world of hurt.
For those of us with the private pain of having an alcoholic in our lives, it's terribly isolating and a heavy burden to bear alone. I'm still trying to figure out who to "trust" with this information. Right now, the folks I've been most honest with have been my sister (although we haven't discussed it in weeks) and my BIL & SIL, and although they're on AH's "side" and are encouraging me to keep talking to him and telling me that change won't happen overnight. Sigh.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's your problem, too. Tell whomever you need to have in your support network so that they can actually help & support you.
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I am very appreciative of all your comments.
Two comments related to 'what is your motivation' so I will respond (and hope for more conversation) first. My motiviation in telling my sister is (1) DIL family, BIL and SIL know of my son's alcoholism - everyone but my closest friend, unconditional loving sister, most understanding person in my life is aware of my son's alcoholism, BUT her. Why do i want her to know? I want her to know because she loves my children like her own. She has trials with her own adult children as all parents have, and I would like her to know 'our little family of 4' has our issues too... we are not perfect as I am portraying us to be as I 'lie' to her that my son is fine. (2) I have been reminded we are 'only as sick as our secrets' and I want to be healthy. (3) Alcoholism is a sickness (as we are told) and would we hide 'cancer' from our family? When she asks about our Ason's two children, she will be understanding when I talk about them (as they have a lot of fall out from an alcoholic father). They do not have a 'sane' mom (came to the marriage that way).
I do not want our son's alcoholism to become our topic of conversation or squelch our fun times when we (my sister and I) are together. I feel as though I am keeping a deep dark secret. I am not ashamed. He is our son. We love him unconditionally. I know she loves him as much.
My support group has been online with a woman who has a recovering (husband) alcoholic, and a friend I met a few years ago who happened to be a recovering alcoholic. My husband has had a difficult time with all of this and he is not big on talking...never has been. I love him the way he is and that is how he is. So, support... I could use it at times.
I feel as though I am lying to keep my son's alcoholism 'his secret'. I am not a liar by nature. I am not embarrassed. It is what it is.
My friend with (husband) alcholic said my son doesn't want me to say anything because I am pulling the covers down (ie exposing him).
I want to stop 'lying by omission'. My husband and I started conversation about this. He and I agree that we tell my sister only that our son is an alcoholic. We can leave out he had a DUI 3, was in jail 4 months, in rehab for six weeks, he is home and we believe drinking. (We live in an adjoing state).
Badcompany - I see your profile picture... my husband and I use to ride. Loved it! Anyhow, it is funny I read your post about AA and anonymity. I have been to many open AA meetings and Alanon meetings. My son became angry when I told him I would need to tell his Aunt he was an alcoholic because I was lying and she asked (every phone call) how is; Ason and children. He said something to the affect, "you know AA and anonymity...etc. etc." I do know about anonymity, but I am not in an AA group. I am in Alanon, living with an alcoholic. I did not get into it with him. There is no reasoning with him. I know that. In addition, this is not 'telling the neighbors'. This is telling my sister...his aunt who loves him.
Our younger son commented to me about our neighborhood friends commenting on our son's over indulgence in drinking when he returned to 'town' for a visit. The adult children see him sporatically since we have disbursed throughout several states. If the 'young adults' know of our son's over indulgence; our friends (their parents) probably know also. Our nephew, my sister...they probably know but are too kind to say anything. Everyone knows probably. We don't say anything. Our friends see us when we go back 'home' to visit. They look at us and probably think, "Those poor parents...they don't know their Ason is drinking to excess."
I hope i have explained why I feel I should tell my sister. I hate this dark little lie by omission. I am learning, "it is what it is and I can't do anything about it." Why hide it?
Two comments related to 'what is your motivation' so I will respond (and hope for more conversation) first. My motiviation in telling my sister is (1) DIL family, BIL and SIL know of my son's alcoholism - everyone but my closest friend, unconditional loving sister, most understanding person in my life is aware of my son's alcoholism, BUT her. Why do i want her to know? I want her to know because she loves my children like her own. She has trials with her own adult children as all parents have, and I would like her to know 'our little family of 4' has our issues too... we are not perfect as I am portraying us to be as I 'lie' to her that my son is fine. (2) I have been reminded we are 'only as sick as our secrets' and I want to be healthy. (3) Alcoholism is a sickness (as we are told) and would we hide 'cancer' from our family? When she asks about our Ason's two children, she will be understanding when I talk about them (as they have a lot of fall out from an alcoholic father). They do not have a 'sane' mom (came to the marriage that way).
I do not want our son's alcoholism to become our topic of conversation or squelch our fun times when we (my sister and I) are together. I feel as though I am keeping a deep dark secret. I am not ashamed. He is our son. We love him unconditionally. I know she loves him as much.
My support group has been online with a woman who has a recovering (husband) alcoholic, and a friend I met a few years ago who happened to be a recovering alcoholic. My husband has had a difficult time with all of this and he is not big on talking...never has been. I love him the way he is and that is how he is. So, support... I could use it at times.
I feel as though I am lying to keep my son's alcoholism 'his secret'. I am not a liar by nature. I am not embarrassed. It is what it is.
My friend with (husband) alcholic said my son doesn't want me to say anything because I am pulling the covers down (ie exposing him).
I want to stop 'lying by omission'. My husband and I started conversation about this. He and I agree that we tell my sister only that our son is an alcoholic. We can leave out he had a DUI 3, was in jail 4 months, in rehab for six weeks, he is home and we believe drinking. (We live in an adjoing state).
Badcompany - I see your profile picture... my husband and I use to ride. Loved it! Anyhow, it is funny I read your post about AA and anonymity. I have been to many open AA meetings and Alanon meetings. My son became angry when I told him I would need to tell his Aunt he was an alcoholic because I was lying and she asked (every phone call) how is; Ason and children. He said something to the affect, "you know AA and anonymity...etc. etc." I do know about anonymity, but I am not in an AA group. I am in Alanon, living with an alcoholic. I did not get into it with him. There is no reasoning with him. I know that. In addition, this is not 'telling the neighbors'. This is telling my sister...his aunt who loves him.
Our younger son commented to me about our neighborhood friends commenting on our son's over indulgence in drinking when he returned to 'town' for a visit. The adult children see him sporatically since we have disbursed throughout several states. If the 'young adults' know of our son's over indulgence; our friends (their parents) probably know also. Our nephew, my sister...they probably know but are too kind to say anything. Everyone knows probably. We don't say anything. Our friends see us when we go back 'home' to visit. They look at us and probably think, "Those poor parents...they don't know their Ason is drinking to excess."
I hope i have explained why I feel I should tell my sister. I hate this dark little lie by omission. I am learning, "it is what it is and I can't do anything about it." Why hide it?
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SettingSunset: It seems to me that you have a valid motive....the motive that typically concerns me is when people other than the A want to talk about the A for purposes of martyrdom or revenge. But needing support, and feeling like you are lying by omission to a close family member: that makes sense.
You bring up an interesting point about "would we lie about another disease"? As someone who has recovered from an addiction to alcohol, I often wonder about this notion that addiction is just a disease like any other....because although we say it, we never really treat it that way. We treat it like it's shameful, and a dirty little secret. Can it be both? Things to ponder.
In any event, my heart goes out to you with your son. I am a mother too and it would break my heart to see my son behaving this way...and I would also understand his suffering, having been through it myself.
You bring up an interesting point about "would we lie about another disease"? As someone who has recovered from an addiction to alcohol, I often wonder about this notion that addiction is just a disease like any other....because although we say it, we never really treat it that way. We treat it like it's shameful, and a dirty little secret. Can it be both? Things to ponder.
In any event, my heart goes out to you with your son. I am a mother too and it would break my heart to see my son behaving this way...and I would also understand his suffering, having been through it myself.
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Outtolunch - thank you for your response.
Being that I lived through alcoholism as a child (dad was an alcoholic)... I understand people wondering "is it a disease"?? When I was young and living through my dad's alcoholism, we NEVER talked about it with anyone. What happened in our 4 walls stayed there. I am sure I have fall out from all of it; I imagine I do anyhow.
I have learned through my son's alcoholism there was nothing I could do to help him sober. I then learned my son had to 'man up' as it was explained by one of the guys at rehab. I guess he has to 'man up' to help himself...get help. With cancer a peson has to seek help. With alcoholism, a person has to accept they are an alcoholic and seek help.
I am very sad my son is 'not my son' as we know him. He would never talk to us the way he has. He was always so grateful. It is a mess.... so we are working at being strong and moving forward with our lives.
I feel better. I can tell my sister my son is an alcoholic without being a bad person. I don't have to tell her particulars of DUI 3, jail time, and rehab. All this is foreign to us... we don't know people who spent time in jail. WOW! Thankyou for your comments.
Being that I lived through alcoholism as a child (dad was an alcoholic)... I understand people wondering "is it a disease"?? When I was young and living through my dad's alcoholism, we NEVER talked about it with anyone. What happened in our 4 walls stayed there. I am sure I have fall out from all of it; I imagine I do anyhow.
I have learned through my son's alcoholism there was nothing I could do to help him sober. I then learned my son had to 'man up' as it was explained by one of the guys at rehab. I guess he has to 'man up' to help himself...get help. With cancer a peson has to seek help. With alcoholism, a person has to accept they are an alcoholic and seek help.
I am very sad my son is 'not my son' as we know him. He would never talk to us the way he has. He was always so grateful. It is a mess.... so we are working at being strong and moving forward with our lives.
I feel better. I can tell my sister my son is an alcoholic without being a bad person. I don't have to tell her particulars of DUI 3, jail time, and rehab. All this is foreign to us... we don't know people who spent time in jail. WOW! Thankyou for your comments.
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if you want to tell her to help you then do that.
you are not responsible for how he feels about your support systems, nor should your relationships be hostage to his need to maintain a facade. I understand his discomfort, but you aren't considering taking out an ad in the Times, you are talking to your sister about your worries and life.
I did an amazing job of covering up for my exAH, not at his work, but socially and it left me incredibly isolated, and damaged existing relationships. I don't wish that for you.
you are not responsible for how he feels about your support systems, nor should your relationships be hostage to his need to maintain a facade. I understand his discomfort, but you aren't considering taking out an ad in the Times, you are talking to your sister about your worries and life.
I did an amazing job of covering up for my exAH, not at his work, but socially and it left me incredibly isolated, and damaged existing relationships. I don't wish that for you.
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With all that our son has lived through, I thought this would have come out by his own admission. That has not happened.
We have asked for our $8000 loan to our ASon to be paid back by 9/15. Our ASon said (when he was in jail) he had the money (we know he does) but couldn't get his hands on it until he was out of jail. He is out...and we want repayment. The enablers have quick enabling. We made mistakes doing that. We have learned and know better. We asked once, haven't heard a peep.
We have asked for our $8000 loan to our ASon to be paid back by 9/15. Our ASon said (when he was in jail) he had the money (we know he does) but couldn't get his hands on it until he was out of jail. He is out...and we want repayment. The enablers have quick enabling. We made mistakes doing that. We have learned and know better. We asked once, haven't heard a peep.
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Originally Posted by SettingSunset
Advice on divulging the 'dirty little secret' -- I am asking anyone who is in recovery (an alcohholic) and others who are family and/or friends of an alcoholic as I am the mom of an alcoholic.
..snip..
He was angry and basically told me to mind my own busienss and he wouldn't tell our family secrets (which we have none).
Is it wrong to tell my sister my son is an alcoholic??? Am I wrong? Is it 'his' information to share? My sister (who I share almost everything with) will be hurt to think everyone knew except her. That issue makes me sad because I do share with her, for her love and support...and understanding.
An Alanon friend told me my ASon didn't want his cover removed.
Please comment. What are your thoughts?
..snip..
He was angry and basically told me to mind my own busienss and he wouldn't tell our family secrets (which we have none).
Is it wrong to tell my sister my son is an alcoholic??? Am I wrong? Is it 'his' information to share? My sister (who I share almost everything with) will be hurt to think everyone knew except her. That issue makes me sad because I do share with her, for her love and support...and understanding.
An Alanon friend told me my ASon didn't want his cover removed.
Please comment. What are your thoughts?
Honestly, it's not your story to tell. There are ways to get YOUR story or YOUR secrets out about family issues in a healthy way (see the post I am copying and pasting). But, in all fairness to your son, it is HIS STORY to tell to who HE WANTS to know. That is a part of his recovery and healing, in his time to who he wants to know. My son is also in AA (he just turned 17) I would NEVER think of discussing his recovery or any of his shenanigans with anyone outside of my alanon circle or my husband. It's not that I am covering up for him. It's that I am respecting his recovery and time. When he is ready he will open up and share his experience. I have noticed that the more I show him respect in this way, the more open he is and he is coming to me to talk. He is sharing more and getting comfortable with talking about his issues.
Here is what i wrote in the other thread. If you feel you need a healthy place to release all those secrets, this is what I did:
OH YES I remember those days. They feel like crap. Sorry you are feeling stuck and keeping "secrets". I am an ACoA (adult child of alcoholism) so my feelings on this stem all the way back to my childhood. I married an A and there were secrets there too. The only place I have felt freedom from all this secret keeping is by going to Alanon and AA. I sat and listened for a reallllllllly long time. I never spoke at first (and the cool thing is you can go to tons of meetings and NOT talk). I did come to learn that, by going to a bunch of different kinds of meetings, that so many have the same story as me. It made me feel like i wasn't so alone in this whole secret keeping game. I finally was able to relax and start talking. MAN it felt GREAT to get stuff out!! Surrounding yourself with Alanon people (I preferred to go to the all women meetings and started sharing there) is such a gift. I think my own recovery really got rolling when I finally opened my mouth and started talking. You know I didn't even say much DURING the meetings. I found the most support either BEFORE or AFTER the meetings. I ended up finding a circle of trust. A handful of women who I started calling and texting and asking advice (first on little things). Once I finally got a sponsor healing began in leaps and bounds!!! I feel like she is my "soul sister". It was really important to find someone who really understood and her story really mirrored my story (ACoA, RAH). I'm not sure if you have discovered Alanon meetings in your area yet but if you haven't try them. Go to as many as you can and see which ones you like the best. I also went to a ton of AA meetings (mostly open meetings, Combination couple meetings AA/Alanon together, and celebration meetings) I have to say the sunday night celebration meetings were real eye openers for me. There was no discussion in those meetings. We sat and listened to 2 different people share their story. Most of the sharing was from people who had 5, 10 or 15 years of sobriety. Only a few have had fewer years then that. Just sitting and listening to the stories of what people lived and the stuff they did really helped me understand that we all have things in common. WE are not alone. It's okay. Other's have been there and done that...some stories were not as bad as mine but honestly most stories are so much worse than I could ever imagine. So, anyways, that's what I did...that's how I got past the whole keeping secret thing. I'm telling you it is the most freeing experience to be able to sit down and tell my sponsor serious stuff and know she understands and is not judging.
Sorry this became such a long post. Just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope. Have a wonderful day
Sorry this became such a long post. Just wanted to share my experience, strength and hope. Have a wonderful day
Last edited by JrsJourney; 08-29-2012 at 06:43 AM. Reason: spelling
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Originally Posted by SettingSunset
I am very appreciative of all your comments.
Two comments related to 'what is your motivation' so I will respond (and hope for more conversation) first. My motiviation in telling my sister is (1) DIL family, BIL and SIL know of my son's alcoholism - everyone but my closest friend, unconditional loving sister, most understanding person in my life is aware of my son's alcoholism, BUT her. Why do i want her to know? I want her to know because she loves my children like her own. She has trials with her own adult children as all parents have, and I would like her to know 'our little family of 4' has our issues too... we are not perfect as I am portraying us to be as I 'lie' to her that my son is fine. (2) I have been reminded we are 'only as sick as our secrets' and I want to be healthy. (3) Alcoholism is a sickness (as we are told) and would we hide 'cancer' from our family? When she asks about our Ason's two children, she will be understanding when I talk about them (as they have a lot of fall out from an alcoholic father). They do not have a 'sane' mom (came to the marriage that way).
...snip...
Two comments related to 'what is your motivation' so I will respond (and hope for more conversation) first. My motiviation in telling my sister is (1) DIL family, BIL and SIL know of my son's alcoholism - everyone but my closest friend, unconditional loving sister, most understanding person in my life is aware of my son's alcoholism, BUT her. Why do i want her to know? I want her to know because she loves my children like her own. She has trials with her own adult children as all parents have, and I would like her to know 'our little family of 4' has our issues too... we are not perfect as I am portraying us to be as I 'lie' to her that my son is fine. (2) I have been reminded we are 'only as sick as our secrets' and I want to be healthy. (3) Alcoholism is a sickness (as we are told) and would we hide 'cancer' from our family? When she asks about our Ason's two children, she will be understanding when I talk about them (as they have a lot of fall out from an alcoholic father). They do not have a 'sane' mom (came to the marriage that way).
...snip...
Last edited by JrsJourney; 08-29-2012 at 07:20 AM. Reason: spelling
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JrsJourney, I also am a cancer survivor and really don't care who knows it, so I guess it really is left up to the individual on how they handle it. Alcoholism is also a Family disease so we need to do things that help us as well and if that is telling someone who can comfort us in time of need then we should do what we feel is necessary.
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Hi SS - I feel your pain. I just posted a thread that is kind of on the same line. Sorry everyone if Im doubling up topics. I should have taken the time to look over the threads before posting mine. Hugs to you SS, it looks like u r getting some good direction/suggestions on your thread. Best of luck to u.
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Originally Posted by fedup3
JrsJourney, I also am a cancer survivor and really don't care who knows it, so I guess it really is left up to the individual on how they handle it. Alcoholism is also a Family disease so we need to do things that help us as well and if that is telling someone who can comfort us in time of need then we should do what we feel is necessary.
I believe the same in regards to the disease of alcoholism; that's why there is alanon.
It's not my place to discuss issues with anyone outside of my recovery group. It's up to ME to decide what my intentions are for sharing something like this.
That's the beauty of this forum. You might not like what I have to say but I do have the right to say it. When someone asks a question they open themselves up to all sorts of answers. This is my truth and my story and I honestly do not care who agrees or disagrees with me. <-- that is none of my business.
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