rhsff508

Is it ever possible to trust an addict again? After all the lies, the cheating, the hurt and the pain, is it possible to even trust someone like that again?

LoveMeNow

I beleive you can. I will not let addiction take one more thing from me!

peaceandgrace

From my own experiences with my 27 yo AS, no. I spent almost a year two years ago thinking that he maybe had finally turned himself around. He had a job, said he was clean and sober (he acted like he was), and came to Sunday dinner several times a month.

However, I have since found out that his job loss was a result of using again (marijuana was drug of choice, but I suspect there was more).

I do not trust anything he says. The hardest part of this is that I tend to suspect others because of the distrust I have towards him. I'm working on that, though.

dollydo

No, the A's I have been involved with had an overbearing sense of entitlement, they felt that trust was to be just given, not earned.

However, that is just my experience

LoveMeNow

trust anyone? or the addict?

mstrust

i'm about to find out if it's possible for me. i will try to let you know how well this goes...

so far, discussions about earning back trust have basically been met with what dollydo said--he seems to expect it to be given right back. blindly, at that. needless to say, i'd say the outlook is not good.

Ilovemysonjj

So far, no....
I can always hope though. My A is my oldest son.
22...
Addicts who are not in recovery can never be trusted, though some of the senior posters on this sige will tell you how they regained their family's trust after they chose recovery.

LoveMeNow

Wow!! The last 2 days I had to keep reminding myself that I could trust myself, my judgement and my instincts!! And it so felt good!!

SoLongFarewell

Maybe. I told my ABF that I probably would never trust him again. It's very, very hard thing to do. I don't want to live the life that I have to "check up on him" numerous times during the day, check his email or his phone records. It's not the way to live.

But I used to work with a older lady who told me that her husband has been a recovering alcoholic for 40 years now. He never gave up on AA and never touched a drop of alcohol since then...maybe there is some hope.

CanfixONLYme

I'm in agreement that when a substance abuser is not in recovery, neither is their moral compass (to be honest, trustworthy, loyal, caring, giving etc.). It just doesn't exist.

I caught glimmers in my AH during his stints of sobriety (3 months max)... and tried to allow my natural instinct of trust to just come out when he was 'normal'. Yup, I was burned time and time again, because he wasn't really in true recovery - thus the reason for me saying 'no more' and went completely n/c before he died.

I just think the best rule of thumb is to trust their actions, not their words. The safest and sanest route to go.

lightseeker

trust has to be earned....and at the same time you have to develop your trust in yourself. It is not something that is given freely.

If you don't trust someone it's your internal warning system giving you ACCURATE information. Talking yourself into trusting someone vs. respecting your gut feelings is a hugs mistake in my book.

I think that you have to count on at least 1 year of someone 100% being trustworthy before you even trust just a little bit. At least that was my experiience with the addict in my life. Each time trust is broken (even on the little things) it seems like the whole process starts back over. I never did fully trust the addict in my life - and as it turns out - for good reasons.

Miller05

at this point....from what i have experienced....words mean absolutely NOTHING. it is all about actions.

my therapist told me to use my head and my gut...trust them...they "know"....my heart is an idiot.

Kindeyes

I love it......this made me spew a bit of coffee on my computer monitor. Perfect.

I don't trust my addicted son. I don't trust my addicted ex husband. Will I ever trust them? I don't know. It isn't the focus of my attention because I have no control over them.

My current efforts are on trusting myself because I haven't been particularly trustworthy. My actions and reactions in the past have been dependent upon the addict's actions and reactions (very scary thought, huh?). Heck....my actions and reactions were pretty dependent upon the actions and reactions of everyone around me! I am slowly learning to trust myself. I'm slowly changing my behaviors. I'm slowly becoming more trustworthy for me.

Trust? For me, it starts with the person in the mirror. I've done some pretty stupid things over the years.

I do trust my husband. He is the one person in my life who has been so constant and true to himself and others around him. I feel very blessed to have him in my life.

Those are my thoughts today on trust....take what you need and leave the rest.

gentle hugs
ke

outtolunch

Trust is highly subjective. For me, addiction and/or recovery for that matter, does not excuse lying, cheating, stealing, manipulation or abuse.

LuvMySis

For me, NO. But part of the reason for that is because once it gets that bad, I'm not willing to put that much effort into trying to trust. If they lost it, they lost it. Not mine to regain.

Learn2Live

Why would you want to trust a person who lies and cheats? The best predictor or future behavior is past behavior, IMO.

gurlie214

It takes time, but it is possible. My AH has been sober for 6 almost 7 months now. The change in him involves him surrendering his life to the Lord, though. He is literally a completely different person now in every way. I believe his relationship with God made all the difference in the world. And because I have a personal relationship with the Lord as well, my trust is always in God first, and in my husband second. I have learned that people (even those we never, ever expected) will let you down. Again, and again. We are all human and everyone makes mistakes. That being said, I can only truly depend on my faith in God. I do trust my husband again; but it is never far from my mind that ALL people are capable of hurting us, not because they are all bad, but because we are all human. Does that make sense at all? lol! Sounds like I'm rambling a little....sorry about that.

FenwayFaithful

Maybe it depends on the person's past. My EXABF has lied, cheated, stole, used and gotten arrested for 10 years. I spent the last two thinking he was different now. Turns out I was 100 percent wrong. I could never trust him again. I would always be waiting for him to use again. But maybe if it wasn't the only thing he'd ever known I'd have an easier time...but it would still be nearly impossible. I just don't understand how you can trust a master manipulator/liar. My EXABF lost himself in drugs, he became a slave to them and no one else, I don't think I can trust that guy and I don't know that he would ever be anything but. But maybe if it was years down the road, after counseling and knowing for a fact that he was staying clean but I would always trust at a distance, never 100 percent. I think it's better not to trust someone fully especially someone who has hurt us so many times.

zoso77

That is a very, very difficult question to answer. I don't think I'm qualified to do so.

There are several amongst us that are recovering addicts. People that have done a lot of work on themselves and are still doing a lot of work on themselves. Where trust and faith have to be earned, I think it would be good if they answered how they went about regaining the trust of their loved ones. Without stealing any of their thunder, it's safe to say that didn't happen overnight. It probably took years.

Speaking only for myself, I don't believe I could trust an addict again. And that's only because my boundaries won't allow an unhealthy person to be a part of my life in an emotionally intimate way. The price that I've paid for my codependency was pretty high. I ain't going back there again.

Hope you can find what you're seeking while you're with us.

Best,
ZoSo

Impurrfect

I can only share my ES&H. I'm both a recovering codie and an RA. If my XABF#3 was still alive? I don't think that I would ever trust him. If he was breathing, he was lying.

Me? I found recovery. I went through quite a time where my family wanted to know where I was, when I would be home, I'd better answer my phone or call back shortly, etc. In other words, I felt like a 50-year-old teenager.

My actions backed up my words. I will say that I distanced myself from my family while using. No lying, no stealing. My stepbrother, however, stole a lot of stuff from my dad when using, as did my stepsister. Stepbrother goes to work every day, takes care of his baby daughter; stepsister got out of prison and is working recovery.

My dad/stepmom trust them, as do I. I will say, however, that I recently sent my stepsister an old laptop I had and when her bf was in the hospital, getting mega-doses of opiates (her DOC) and she took a week to pick up the laptop? I had doubts, but then I know how we A's think. She recently called me to ask me a question about it and tell me "thank you", again.

I think it depends on the individual but I think the going by actions rather than words is the way to go.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy