Speechless and Horrified
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
Speechless and Horrified
Last week I found out I was pregnant.
About ten days after calling it quits with my alcoholic bf. The worst part is, he had done this on purpose to prevent me from leaving him. "Lets see you break up with me now" he said afterwards. I didn't know what he meant, until this past week...
He was always the one begging to return. Telling me we were made for one another. I had sent him one last email before this all went down and I think it hit home. It was pages and pages of why the things he had done to me were wrong, and a perpetuation of his own anguish from childhood, why his treatment of me qualifies as abuse and how his drinking has really almost destroyed my life. I think, in that instant he decided I was the enemy. Being to a few Al Anon meetings I know now that was not the way to go. But I needed closure.
When I called him to come over to tell him I was pregnant he came in cold, and jittery. Like someone I didn't even know. Even him drunk, never seemed so soulless. He started off by telling me we will never be together ever again, we are not meant to be together and he doesn't love me anymore. Over and over and over. Its not that I wanted or expected a warmer welcome, but to hear that from the very person who went on an on about you being their soulmate and them never letting you go... It was daunting. I told him I was pregnant and showed him the test. He repeated that he would never be with me and he doesn't love me.
In a week, he doesn't love me.
He told me if I had it, I would be on my own and I had to promise him never to chase him down for child support. The final stab in my gut? He tells me he has done this THREE TIMES BEFORE, WITH TWO OTHER WOMEN. NO kids. Just abortions.
I asked him if he feels any sort of pain or remorse having done this now, for a fourth time, at 26 and he said "no I am dead inside and I know I will go to hell". He told me that he tried to make the other women keep them. So I said "but I thought you never felt for me how you felt for anyone else? How can you be so quick to tell me to get rid of it?" I asked "you hate me so much that you would sacrifice another one of your children just to never be tied to me ever again?". He said: "I don't hate you, but yeah".
Then he just proceeded to talk like we did when we were together. About some weekend shows he had played and how his band members had a meeting to tell him he needed to stop drinking. Babbling and smoking like nothing was happening...
I was dumbfounded. Even in his worst moments, I never knew this was the person I had been in love with. So cruel and evil. Cold. It was almost psychotic how detached he was.
The next day we went to the doctor to get bloodwork and confirm. Then a dating ultrasound, because no matter what, I needed that to decide. He was completely different. Saying I love you. Following me everywhere and holding my hand and making me breakfast. He looked at the Ultra Sound, (I didn't) and afterwards, as I cried he mumbled something about detox and how things are different now because he "saw something". I told him I need to deal with the problem at hand and I cant take anymore empty promises....
The next day was another story, he said he wasn't sure about anything. He didn't know why he said he didn't love me anymore. Because he did. And not to make any decisions yet. To be patient with him. And he would see me tomorrow bright and early to talk.
I didn't hear from him all day. Save for a text in the evening, claiming his sister OD'd and was in the hospital. I called every hospital in town. She wasn't registered anywhere. He didnt contact me again all day. Not even to ask if I had eaten, or if I was feeling alright.
Today he came here. Showed up at my door after I ignored his calls. Sad face on (his manipulation tactic) asking what I had decided. I told him I can not bring a child, knowingly, into a life of anguish, turmoil, fatherlessness, alcoholism. He just lost his job. I am unemployed myself right now. He asked if I needed him for anything. I shook my head "no" before I could think about it.
He said " I am sorry about all this" and "I guess I will be going now." He did say if I needed to talk or needed him there to call. But that was it. I guess he came to hear what he was hoping to hear and that was that. Im sure he is out now having celebratory beers with is buddies.
I am crying so hard I am heaving and wheezing. And I bet, he is on a patio somewhere in the sun drinking and celebrating...
I have no words for what I am feeling. Sometimes I feel numb, like I am just going through motions. I don't even know what to feel. Other times its beyond pain and heartbreak just this burning feeling from my chest that spreads to my entire body until I am sobbing uncontrollably.
I dont need advice on my choice. If you want to berate me or make me feel like I am condemned to hell. Please move along. I also don't need advice on moving on from this person. I obviously know that this is the end of all ends. I have no intention of salvaging or holding on.
I just want to know how. How someone could feign to love another person so intensely and for so long and then in a few days switch it off. How all basic humanity and caring is switched off in someone, to this point. He used to say if I ever got pregnant that he would make me have it because he has seen what abortion does and it changes someone forever and he would never want that to happen to me. And now, it's like me and this child he helped create are a pieces of trash. He just does not care. He is completely soulless. He has decided he has no more use for me and I sincerely, don't think he would flinch if I were to die tomorrow.
Is this truly what addiction looks like? Because to me, from what I have been taught, this looks like evil. Unbridled, soulless, evil. Psychotic, sociopathic behaviour. And from a man so young. And who even on his bad days, I could say to myself "I know he loves me". I feel alone and worthless, so stupid. Foolish. At fault. Confused. And like I may never get past this. Ever.
About ten days after calling it quits with my alcoholic bf. The worst part is, he had done this on purpose to prevent me from leaving him. "Lets see you break up with me now" he said afterwards. I didn't know what he meant, until this past week...
He was always the one begging to return. Telling me we were made for one another. I had sent him one last email before this all went down and I think it hit home. It was pages and pages of why the things he had done to me were wrong, and a perpetuation of his own anguish from childhood, why his treatment of me qualifies as abuse and how his drinking has really almost destroyed my life. I think, in that instant he decided I was the enemy. Being to a few Al Anon meetings I know now that was not the way to go. But I needed closure.
When I called him to come over to tell him I was pregnant he came in cold, and jittery. Like someone I didn't even know. Even him drunk, never seemed so soulless. He started off by telling me we will never be together ever again, we are not meant to be together and he doesn't love me anymore. Over and over and over. Its not that I wanted or expected a warmer welcome, but to hear that from the very person who went on an on about you being their soulmate and them never letting you go... It was daunting. I told him I was pregnant and showed him the test. He repeated that he would never be with me and he doesn't love me.
In a week, he doesn't love me.
He told me if I had it, I would be on my own and I had to promise him never to chase him down for child support. The final stab in my gut? He tells me he has done this THREE TIMES BEFORE, WITH TWO OTHER WOMEN. NO kids. Just abortions.
I asked him if he feels any sort of pain or remorse having done this now, for a fourth time, at 26 and he said "no I am dead inside and I know I will go to hell". He told me that he tried to make the other women keep them. So I said "but I thought you never felt for me how you felt for anyone else? How can you be so quick to tell me to get rid of it?" I asked "you hate me so much that you would sacrifice another one of your children just to never be tied to me ever again?". He said: "I don't hate you, but yeah".
Then he just proceeded to talk like we did when we were together. About some weekend shows he had played and how his band members had a meeting to tell him he needed to stop drinking. Babbling and smoking like nothing was happening...
I was dumbfounded. Even in his worst moments, I never knew this was the person I had been in love with. So cruel and evil. Cold. It was almost psychotic how detached he was.
The next day we went to the doctor to get bloodwork and confirm. Then a dating ultrasound, because no matter what, I needed that to decide. He was completely different. Saying I love you. Following me everywhere and holding my hand and making me breakfast. He looked at the Ultra Sound, (I didn't) and afterwards, as I cried he mumbled something about detox and how things are different now because he "saw something". I told him I need to deal with the problem at hand and I cant take anymore empty promises....
The next day was another story, he said he wasn't sure about anything. He didn't know why he said he didn't love me anymore. Because he did. And not to make any decisions yet. To be patient with him. And he would see me tomorrow bright and early to talk.
I didn't hear from him all day. Save for a text in the evening, claiming his sister OD'd and was in the hospital. I called every hospital in town. She wasn't registered anywhere. He didnt contact me again all day. Not even to ask if I had eaten, or if I was feeling alright.
Today he came here. Showed up at my door after I ignored his calls. Sad face on (his manipulation tactic) asking what I had decided. I told him I can not bring a child, knowingly, into a life of anguish, turmoil, fatherlessness, alcoholism. He just lost his job. I am unemployed myself right now. He asked if I needed him for anything. I shook my head "no" before I could think about it.
He said " I am sorry about all this" and "I guess I will be going now." He did say if I needed to talk or needed him there to call. But that was it. I guess he came to hear what he was hoping to hear and that was that. Im sure he is out now having celebratory beers with is buddies.
I am crying so hard I am heaving and wheezing. And I bet, he is on a patio somewhere in the sun drinking and celebrating...
I have no words for what I am feeling. Sometimes I feel numb, like I am just going through motions. I don't even know what to feel. Other times its beyond pain and heartbreak just this burning feeling from my chest that spreads to my entire body until I am sobbing uncontrollably.
I dont need advice on my choice. If you want to berate me or make me feel like I am condemned to hell. Please move along. I also don't need advice on moving on from this person. I obviously know that this is the end of all ends. I have no intention of salvaging or holding on.
I just want to know how. How someone could feign to love another person so intensely and for so long and then in a few days switch it off. How all basic humanity and caring is switched off in someone, to this point. He used to say if I ever got pregnant that he would make me have it because he has seen what abortion does and it changes someone forever and he would never want that to happen to me. And now, it's like me and this child he helped create are a pieces of trash. He just does not care. He is completely soulless. He has decided he has no more use for me and I sincerely, don't think he would flinch if I were to die tomorrow.
Is this truly what addiction looks like? Because to me, from what I have been taught, this looks like evil. Unbridled, soulless, evil. Psychotic, sociopathic behaviour. And from a man so young. And who even on his bad days, I could say to myself "I know he loves me". I feel alone and worthless, so stupid. Foolish. At fault. Confused. And like I may never get past this. Ever.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I am so so sorry! That is such a heartbreaking story, but if you move on now without him and work on making yourself happy again, the worst will soon be over. It DOES get better - it always does! You don't need this in your life. Stay strong! 
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
The guy is a jerk. Some guys are jerks whether they are addicted or not. Don't make the mistake of blaming it all on alcohol. Sounds like a pattern with him. Get some counsel and decide what you want to do. If you decide to keep the baby, sue him for support. It's time someone showed him he can't just pull this crap and go off scott free. What an azz.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by abandonedluv 
I feel alone and worthless, so stupid. Foolish. At fault. Confused. And like I may never get past this. Ever.
Stay strong, and be grateful that you are not him. Seriously. What kind of he!! would that be? He is the one who is confused! Wow. You are amazing.
You are in my thoughts,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 329
This is heart breaking and I am so very sorry for your pain! I wish I could answer your question but I have spent countless hours trying to answer the same question for myself! One day they claim to love you, be your soulmate and meant to be together! Then overnight the story changes leaving you heartbroken, feeling lied to, rejected, stupid, hurt....along with all the other major issues you have going on right now! All I can say is an active A is self absorbed always working to make their needs met! He's an extreme case of a jerk! Take care of yourself and bless your heart!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
How? Because they are users, manipulators, and practically psychos if you ask me. They tell you what they think you want to hear in order to hook you in emotionally. They know exactly what they are doing and why they are doing it. They are leeches, parasites, latched onto us so that we support them in a multitude of ways. Their lives are toxic and their words are poison. They purposely tell you hurtful things to HURT you emotionally to weaken you and make you need them to soothe the hurt. Then they purposely tell us loving things to get us to allow them back in so we take care of them. They will continue manipulating us until we refuse to be manipulated anymore.
That's how.
That's how.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 104
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Read up on narcissism. It really helped shed some light on my xabf's behavior and how it's ingrained and will never change. They put you on a pedestal in the beginning and then shun you when you no longer support them. It's unhealthy and unrealistic on their part.
Best wishes for you. Stay strong.
Best wishes for you. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
I am so sorry you are going through this. And I think you are making the right choice. You need this man out of your life, immediately and permanently. He sounds very toxic.
There is no real explanation for his insanity, except addiction and possibly being a sociopath. You and a lot of other women have been seriously manipulated in a very sick way (getting women pregnant, then dictating that they should/should not have his child). There are really no words for this type of behavior; it is an extreme form of abuse to manipulate women's bodies as a sick game.
A sick person like this, IMO, does not get to have any opinion about children.
Do you have a therapist? I do. We all deserve a great deal of healing and self-care from dealing with A's. Please take care of yourself, and normally I don't tell people what to do but, get this man out of your life!!
There is no real explanation for his insanity, except addiction and possibly being a sociopath. You and a lot of other women have been seriously manipulated in a very sick way (getting women pregnant, then dictating that they should/should not have his child). There are really no words for this type of behavior; it is an extreme form of abuse to manipulate women's bodies as a sick game.
A sick person like this, IMO, does not get to have any opinion about children.
Do you have a therapist? I do. We all deserve a great deal of healing and self-care from dealing with A's. Please take care of yourself, and normally I don't tell people what to do but, get this man out of your life!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There are really no words for this type of behavior; it is an extreme form of abuse to manipulate women's bodies as a sick game.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by changeschoices
I am so sorry you are going through this. And I think you are making the right choice. You need this man out of your life, immediately and permanently. He sounds very toxic.
There is no real explanation for his insanity, except addiction and possibly being a sociopath. You and a lot of other women have been seriously manipulated in a very sick way (getting women pregnant, then dictating that they should/should not have his child). There are really no words for this type of behavior; it is an extreme form of abuse to manipulate women's bodies as a sick game.
A sick person like this, IMO, does not get to have any opinion about children.
Do you have a therapist? I do. We all deserve a great deal of healing and self-care from dealing with A's. Please take care of yourself, and normally I don't tell people what to do but, get this man out of your life!!
There is no real explanation for his insanity, except addiction and possibly being a sociopath. You and a lot of other women have been seriously manipulated in a very sick way (getting women pregnant, then dictating that they should/should not have his child). There are really no words for this type of behavior; it is an extreme form of abuse to manipulate women's bodies as a sick game.
A sick person like this, IMO, does not get to have any opinion about children.
Do you have a therapist? I do. We all deserve a great deal of healing and self-care from dealing with A's. Please take care of yourself, and normally I don't tell people what to do but, get this man out of your life!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 82
I am so sorry you are going through this. If an alcoholic could live on a deserted island they could deal with their disease themselves. Unfortunately most know how to swim to land, and we get forced to share the problem. Take your life back any way you can. Good luck!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Originally Posted by abandonedluv
I do I have someone I see weekly as of late. Plus two Al anon meetings under my belt. I know I will need extensive counseling after this. Reading all the comments is the one light in this darkness. The "aloneness" had become unbearable. I feel held hostage using my own emotions and body as the binding. It's all so sick and.... Horrifying. I'm going to try my best to make it through these next few weeks. I don't feel any of this is anyone else's responsibility but I don't know if having him accompany will be worse. I already know he doesn't care, I'm nt sure I want his presence as a walking, breathing reminder of that through this process.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I agree with Liese, this looks like evil. People can be alcoholics and still not set out to destroy other people intentionally, which is what his actions look like. You might want to read about sociopaths/psychopaths. There is a new book called Almost A Psychopath that might help you.
Bluebonnet suggested that you might look into narcissism, and that might be very useful. There is a book that someone on SR recommended to me called The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists that away my breath when I read it and thought about my AH and his abuse.
What reading about these kinds of behaviors did for me was make me feel not so alone; there are others who struggle with relationships with people like these. It is not just me; I am not crazy; my feelings are valid and real. It might help you to realize that. In the midst of your incredible pain right now, it might be some comfort to know that others really do understand, and they are here on this Forum.
I am so so sorry and send my love and warmth and empathy as you go through this.
BothSidesNow
Bluebonnet suggested that you might look into narcissism, and that might be very useful. There is a book that someone on SR recommended to me called The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists that away my breath when I read it and thought about my AH and his abuse.
What reading about these kinds of behaviors did for me was make me feel not so alone; there are others who struggle with relationships with people like these. It is not just me; I am not crazy; my feelings are valid and real. It might help you to realize that. In the midst of your incredible pain right now, it might be some comfort to know that others really do understand, and they are here on this Forum.
I am so so sorry and send my love and warmth and empathy as you go through this.
BothSidesNow
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Please do not take him with you on your appointment. Please find a close friend, someone who will support you and cares about you. He will find a way to make this about him and try to make you feel worse in the process.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Stop treating yourself badly, and do not encourage the negative self talk, like this was your fault. Give yourself some slack, and remember none of us is perfect. Be easy on yourself, love yourself as you are.
Hang out with people who love you.
Beth
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Stop treating yourself badly, and do not encourage the negative self talk, like this was your fault. Give yourself some slack, and remember none of us is perfect. Be easy on yourself, love yourself as you are.
Hang out with people who love you.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I also agree you need the support of a good girlfriend or family member now - don't look to him to be your support person - that is a recipe for disaster.
I understand you are devastated and being pregnant, you must be completely overwhelmed and beside yourself . . .
Just put one foot in front of the other, find a friend or friends to lean on.
I understand you are devastated and being pregnant, you must be completely overwhelmed and beside yourself . . .
Just put one foot in front of the other, find a friend or friends to lean on.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I would not focus on him at all by studying his pathology - that is a waste of time . . .you need to tell yourself you accidentally fell in love with a "bad" person - someone not kind or responsible - and that you are now going to move on and begin your healing process. Don't think about him, if you can help it.
Try EFT for a break-up . . .if you are so inclined.
Try EFT for a break-up . . .if you are so inclined.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
Hi Luv
In the midst of this awful situation, you have retained your sanity and your reasoning, which I think is something to be proud of. I hope you have close friends you can talk to during these difficult days.
Take care
SG
In the midst of this awful situation, you have retained your sanity and your reasoning, which I think is something to be proud of. I hope you have close friends you can talk to during these difficult days.
Take care
SG
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