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Divine intervention and proof how we are not helping the alcoholic



Divine intervention and proof how we are not helping the alcoholic

Old 08-26-2012, 10:58 AM
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Divine intervention and proof how we are not helping the alcoholic

I have posted that I wanted to leave my ABF and move to Canada by myself to begin my new job. Of course I didn't follow through because how could I possibly abandon the poor man, right? So we took off and even on the trip from the West coast to Canada he got sloppy drunk on two occasions.

And here is the divine intervention: when we went into the immigration office at the border to get my work permit, he was denied entry into Canada because of an old DUI. It was a total shock.

He was totally devastated, but we had to come up with plan B. I took him to the East coast (yes, I have been driving a lot lately, 4,000 miles) where is staying with his family now, working on an immigration waiver. I am in Toronto with my two dogs, trying to find an apartment...

During the week that we have been apart, he managed to find a way to get his injured back treated by a doctor, has applied for disability (for his back and combat-related PTSD (he is a vet)). As soon as he is approved, he plans on starting mental health treatment and recovery. I have not asked him to any of it since we are apart. I used to ask and ask and ask when we were together, but he never did because he never had to. As soon as he was on his own, he gets it handled. He told me he wants to make the best of this time apart and become a better person. For the first time that I have known him, he is getting it together (WITHIN A WEEK!). Good for me to get a break from the alcoholic, but good for him to get a break from the co-dependent caretaker.

It goes to show that I never helped him by enabling him. I provided a home in which he was allowed to give in to his addiction. Now that this home is gone, he is perfectly capable of handling life and himself. This is a total eye-opener for me. I have always believed in a higher power, but in a sort of quiet and sometimes sceptic way. But lately someone has really been looking out for me and I need to find myself a church here.

I have to admit, that I am going through a rough time because it's hard to find an apartment for me and my two pups and I feel very lonely. Luckily I found a great doggie daycare, but after four weeks of being on the road and in motels, I am ready for a home. Wish me luck!

(If anyone knows of a pet-friendly apartment/house in Eastern Toronto for a lovely, reliable, and financially secure expatriate, please let me know. )
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Old 08-26-2012, 11:15 AM
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You deserve kudos for recognizing the beauty of the way things are unfolding. I hope you do find a church and a supportive community.
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:47 AM
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WELCOME back TO CANADA....
i am in the Niagara Region but not up in TO....good luck...
and take a deep breath....take it one day at a time.....
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:06 AM
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It amazes me how some succeed only when left to their own devices. Hope it continues for him.

Prayers for finding a home - I imagine it will be similar to the divine intervention when you hit the Canadian border...

Stay strong!
~T
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
It amazes me how some succeed only when left to their own devices. Hope it continues for him.

Prayers for finding a home - I imagine it will be similar to the divine intervention when you hit the Canadian border...

Stay strong!
~T
Maybe it is the only way any of them succeed?

I second this post!
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Old 08-27-2012, 04:58 PM
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Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass View Post
Maybe it is the only way any of them succeed?

I second this post!
Maybe it is the only way a problem drinker and us the emotionally attached ones succeed?

It is amazing what we can acheive when we are working on our own stuff (and only our own stuff).
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:47 PM
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Thanks everyone and thanks for the welcome to Canada! It's my first time living here as I am actually European. I have found a place and will sign the lease next week. It will work well for me and the dogs. I will not be able to move in for another week, but that's ok. At least I know we will have a nice home.

Today he called and said that he found a lawyer he likes, but he is asking $2000 retainer. Just yesterday I told ABF said I don't have any money right now because I have to pay back my parents who helped pay for the move and need money for rent, etc. He was irritated when I said that I don't have it now. Later I informed him, after doing the math, that I won't have it next month either.

I have $26,000 of cc debt, largely because I have supported both of us and we lived above our means. With some money coming in and a higher salary, I will be able to pay it off fairly quickly, but only if I put a good chunk of my paycheck towards the credit cards for the next six months. This means that I can't support him or pay a lawyer right now. I told him that and it made him angry, which again made me angry. All I said is that we need an additional income. To be fair, he has been working hard on a new business with competent partners, but it has not yet yielded an income to speak of and we can't afford this.

I can tell now that he is struggling with not being able to drink, gets angry easily, and gets insecure and feels like I don't want him here. It's true that I don't want him here if it means more of the same AND financial struggle. I told him "I need your help. We need a second income. I am terrified of this debt and the only reason it doesn't make lose my sanity is that I CAN pay it off, but only with some severe cutting back. I NEED YOUR HELP." I also will not sacrifice a nice home for savings. I work mostly from home and need to feel good there.

I think it scares him, but it needs to be done. He is highly skilled and shouldn't have a problem getting some small projects. I have to stop feeling guilty for asking my partner for help financially. Seriously, it's messed up. I supported us on a grad student stipend and as a postdoc (always on a visa with restrictions regarding work) and now I refuse to increase this debt. I am on a work permit and can only do the job specified on my work permit, so working another job to speed up paying off the debt would violate my visa status. He needs to step up. But damn, I feel GUILTY!
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:50 PM
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But I am also very proud of myself for finally not just handing over the money. It's so hard...One step at a time...
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Old 08-30-2012, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh View Post
I have to stop feeling guilty for asking my partner for help financially. Seriously, it's messed up.
If you learn the way, would you PLEASE pass it along to me?? I am insanely taken advantage of by my AH. I have told him exactly what you have told your AH, that I need to free up my expenses from the $1500 a month of HIS business debt that I'm stuck with (because I so very foolishly cosigned years ago). He has basically abandoned any sense of responsibility for that debt. He'll say, "but I don't have a regular income." Which he doesn't, but neither do I--we are both self-employed. I out-earn him heavily, and I pay ALL the bills in the house, but I have told him repeatedly to make an offer of SOME kind--like giving me half of every check he gets, or a third. Heck, I even told him I'd take 10%, and he "forgets" to give me that, too.

Last week my son asked him how much his business debt was, and AH says, "Don't bring that up in front of your mother! I'm lucky with that." Not sure what he meant, but I think he meant he hit the jackpot marrying a fool who would let him get away with not paying a dime.

Please stick to your guns, so that I can live vicariously through your success!! I am so angry about being married to a deadbeat. In a way, I delude myself with staying with an alcoholic marriage by saying, 'oh, it's a sickness' but when someone who says they love you just dumps $120,000 in your lap and feels they're "lucky" to be able to stick them with it with no accountability on their end, that is a serious character flaw.

But I wonder what my behavior, my flaw, makes me?

Good luck with your move to Canada... I found out about the DUI entrance law myself last week and was equally shocked, but that's a whole other story...
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