Fathom

Grrrrrrr. Why is it that my AH can be so motivated when I least want him to be?!

Here I am... I finally, after 7 months of not having a place to call my own, no car, and only a part-time job, I got a really good permanent position in a different state than my AH. I started out the year with very little debt, but now I have much more because of moving expenses and needing to basically start all over. He had made home life inhospitable with his refusals to stop drinking and blaming all things wrong (real and imaginary) on me. I left with just whatever I could carry.

Still, I accepted that recovery for both of us would be a process and when he made motions to get help, I let the lines of communication remain open until May, when he said he had had enough and wanted a divorce. I thought, "Fine. You are a cowardly ******* anyway. But, I've got more pressing matters to focus on right now than worrying about a bunch of official paperwork." i was planning on waiting until Fall or Winter when my legal insurance would kick in.

No such luck. I felt like my new home and sanctuary was violated when a legal delivery guy showed up to hand me the divorce petition. It's about 1/2 inch thick, and I finally read through the whole thing tonight. We don't have a lot of assets by many people's standards, but it's enough to fight for, I think. And, he has opened this up with a big whomp! "Let's see, I should be entitled to the marital home and all assets in my name (which includes my retirement accounts)... Oh, and anything left in the home should be mine too. And, Fathom? Well, she can just have whatever she has right now and pay off the rest of her student loans without me because, it's not like I had anything to do with her needing to take out the student loan before we were married... Yes, that should qualify as fair and equitable!" Ok, I know that's a giant quack. But, it's really hard to see it written up and somehow stated as fact by an attorney... "just, sign this and return it within 60 days if you agree. If you don't respond, all these things will happen anyway.". There is no information on what to do if I don't agree.

So, I get to search for my own attorney, who I can't afford because my legal insurance won't cover it yet, and I don't get to talk to the attorney in person because the petition was in his state and I need an attorney there! Grrr.

So frustrating. Thanks for being here to "listen."

Fathom

fourmaggie

"just, sign this and return it within 60 days if you agree. If you don't respond, all these things will happen anyway.". There is no information on what to do if I don't agree.



sorry i dont know the laws in your area

do you want to fight it? it is really worth the effort...if not, let him get a lawyer and let yourself sit back and let him fight what he thinks is OWED to him....
i know that is wrong of me to say...but sometimes..its just my sanity comes first..(i get half of the house, he can have the rest attitude)...

sorry if i am wrong to say so...

Tuffgirl

So he preempted you with the first strike. I am sure his attorney told him to begin the argument with this tactic...ask for everything...bargain down from that. It's a normal approach.

You may be able to request in the final settlement that he covers a portion of your legal fees, if he makes more money.

I am sorry. Having just gone through a divorce with an angry dry drunk bent on walking away scot-free, I know how much it hurts.

Stay strong!

Fathom

Thanks, Fourmaggie.

I don't want to fight him anymore, but I also don't want to be a doormat or an enabler anymore either. What he and his attorney put into this petition is the least fair and equitable option possible. They are hoping I just want to walk away from everything I had for the last 11 years with him (6 married) because I'm just so fed up. But, that would be giving him more than he is due, and would undercut me in the process. I feel like I've been doing that, and that hasn't helped either of us at all over the years.

Am I being vindictive? Maybe. Is this process going to drive me batty? Probably, unless I can get the lawyer to do the lion's share of the work. Will it be worth it financially and emotionally? I have no idea.

I am lucky that I have some really supportive bosses right now who are fully aware of my predicament, and they are generally willing to be flexible with my hours. But, right now is a bad time of the year when everyone is working overtime and traveling to get our work done before Fall. 60 days doesn't seem like a long time when you won't be around for more than half of that time. I've known this issue would come up eventually, and I've just been ignoring it until it became critical. I had been hoping that he would try to be even slightly fair with his proposal of how to split up our assets, but I realize now that that was just magical thinking.

It brings me down that I could have been so very wrong about him. Bah!

Thanks again for letting me get this out.

Fathom

sugarbear1

Some states have marital/divorce laws. I know Maryland has something about 50/50 for assets. Please find an attorney, many are willing to help out and will work out payments.

Don't make any quick decisions without seeking help. There are also pro bono attorneys, call or go to your local courthouse.

I wish you well.
Love & hugs,

Fathom

Thanks for that reminder, TG. I am notoriously terrible at bargaining and bartering. It feels like arguing to me, and I just want to arrive at the most fair solution as quickly as possible, even though I understand that's not really the objective of the other guy.

Definitely! But, you know... If they had been even slightly more fair, I probably would have been tempted to just let things slide, because it would be less worth the cost of another attorney to me. This whole thing keeps getting me back into stinking thinking. "Why doesn't he know this about me yet? Why is he being so unreasonable? Doesn't he feel sorry for all the pain he has caused already? Why does he have to pour his rum and lime juice directly into this gaping wound I'm trying to heal?" Sorry for that analogy... I got a little carried away with the dramatics. But, seriously. I know his brain is not screwed on straight. It hasn't been for at least the last year and a half. And, yet, I still expect him to act with reason, fairness, and empathy. impossible.

I should add that I'm incredibly grateful to have all of you in my life. I know you get what I'm feeling. I'm sorry that you do, but also grateful that we have this place as a grounding point.

Many, many thanks!

Fathom

bjames

Definitely check with the courthouse to see if there are pro bono lawyers.

Also, in MA anyway, if one or both parties does not have a lawyer, they try to send the case to mediation. That is what should happen in your situation. A mediator will run the numbers and tell you guys what he/she thinks is fair and equitable.

PM me and let me know what state you're in. I'm an attorney in MA but maybe I could suggest some ways to help find an attorney, or offer some basic advice.

Fathom

Thanks for the offer bjames. Mediation sounds good in theory, but I really don't know that I'm up for even sitting in the same room as my AH right now. I realize I'm actually afraid of him - not physically (although he was making moves in that direction when I left him), but definitely mentally. I get all shaky just thinking about the possibility of emailing him, let alone talking to him in person. He is so slick and masterful at demeaning me and my contributions to our life together. I don't know what I would do now if I were forced to sit in the same room with him and listen to his deluded version of events. I understand that mediation is not the same as marriage counseling, but it does include discussion between the two sides, does it not? I guess I'm pretty clueless about this part of the process... Tomorrow , I should hear back from a couple of attorneys I have contacted.

I'm feeling more emotional this weekend than I have in months, probably because I'm finally being forced to confront the more disappointing parts of my life now. I got myself outside to buy groceries this afternoon and nearly lost it in the check-out line. Ugh.

Fathom

PeacefulMe

I just had my mediation 6 days ago. in North Carolina it is required if the two parties cannot agree on the settlement. Luckily we did come to an agreement which means we will not have to go to court which could take another year, I also had envisioned sitting in the same room but in actuality at least in my case my lawyer and I were in one room and his lawyer and AH we're in another room. The mediator goes back and forth so you can confer with your attorney privately. The initial settlement proposal from his side was ridiculous which I'm sure is standard. it is the lawyers job to do the best for their client. I also had a very good lawyer. My AH despite not having worked for the full 23 years of our marriage and me having a prenuptial agreement wanted me to pay HIM alimony plus get half of everything else. Although the alimony would have been a deal breaker for me were able to negotiate a lump sum settlement. One does get worn down and sometimes being the codependent want to be more generous just to avoid conflict and have it done with. A good lawyer will make sure you do not do that. Mine really kept me on track although we did have to give some. Everyone including my own lawyer thinks that AH had a very good lawyer who fully knew that AH had a lot more to lose by going to court and I believe his lawyer probably told him to take it and be thankful......ie sort of brought him to reality because in fact, no he never did think rationally about the whole thing, wasn't grateful he was supported all those years etc. It was all the old alcoholic entitlement concept.
Thankfully two good lawyers and mediation helped us and in the end I came out all right and AH came out better than he could have if I fought it in court. So don't even think that the first proposal is anything near where you will end up. Your lawyer won't allow that and mediation definitely can help sort things out.

wicked

You do not have to speak to him at all, and he will be told to keep his remarks to the mediator. This is just a less formal way of getting the two parties to agree before it gets to court.
You could ask someone to go with you for moral support.
During my mediation, the trustee asked both of us if we had any objections to what was already figured out between lawyers. The trustee then looked on a chart, showing how much he made, how much I made and who had physical custody of the kids.I got two hundred dollars a month and that didnt last long.
I would look up what the process involves and be prepared. Being prepared is 90% of the battle. I will be keeping you in my thoughts, that you find the best and least painful way to take care of this.

Beth

Fathom

Oh my goodness! I am crying such tears of relief, but also sorrow that I have allowed him so much power over me. Thank you so much for your gentle clarifications! I am struggling to find the right words to express my gratitude.

PeacefulMe, I am so glad to hear you are done with this process and that you had such great support from your attorney. Your strength is inspiring.

Beth, I am so touched by your kindness. Thank you for those words of strength. I have felt so desperate today, and now I have some hope that I could do this... I think... Maybe...



I'll get there. Thanks again everyone!

Fathom

Fathom

Ugh. Divorce Lawyers for Men. I found out today that's who will be representing my AH. Maybe they do a lot of good for a lot of deserving men out there, but i remember my AH always idolized their billboards along the freeway, and it makes me sick. He would often talk about gold-digger women who would get huge settlements after only being married less than a year. "Surely, those men would have gotten a better outcome if they had hired attorneys specifically focused on men's issues." HELLO! Those men hired attorneys who were trained in how to represent rich-@ss men! Their attorneys don't have to advertise on billboards along the freeway. Sheesh!

I'll just say it one more time... Ugh. Ok. I'm still moving forward with my hunt for a good attorney. Talked to one today, and sent emails to a bunch more. More will be revealed...

Fathom

velma929

I don't know how far you moved from your husband. Is there a chance you can find a lawyer who passed the bar and has a license in your current state and your home state?