Why do we fall for the same trap?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 26
Why do we fall for the same trap?
Hi everyone,
Not a total newbie, used to be just a lurker. I have the same problem as many of you do with someone that you love, wish you could help but just can't.
My now ex-bf used (coke was the DOC but alcohol played a major part too) a few times throughout our entire relationship, fight ensued, I ended up leaving & then come back a few days later. Every time I couldn't bare the thought of leaving him, I don't know why, I deserved so much better than this.
I was accused of cheating with multiple people at once, stealing money, of being a drug addict myself and so forth. Well it happened again today, I was accused of doing all of the above and to top it off I was called cruel names for the first time ever by him.
He denied ever touching drugs, no really, he tried to lie right to my face about it. Guess what? Didn't work this time.
How stupid does he think I am to believe that? Cocaine has got to be the most paranoia-inducing drugs out there. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who knows someone addicted to that stuff that causes them to lose their 'grip on reality'.
He also has an alcohol problem and hangs around a bunch of lowlife drug addicts, they apparently tell him awful stories about me and he believes it (instead of being a GOOD boyfriend and defending me or beating the crap out of such people). I have no idea if these people actually say anything about me because it's definitely believable that nothing was said at all and it was just an delusional brain telling him whatever he wants to believe.
Why do we continue to go back to these people and try to help them? And I mean this for everyone, whether they are a boyfriend, girlfriend, or family member. When is it gonna be ENOUGH is ENOUGH? I'm tired of helping thankless people; only for it to go back to the same old crap months down the road. I'm tired of falling for the same type of people, only to feel the same type of pain again. I'm tired, drained, emotionally abused and scared.
Why do we even care again? How do they suck us back in? Why can't we just switch our emotions off and stop trying to help them? No way they will ever change unless they actually make an effort once and for all.
I can't even cry right now I don't know how I feel. I know he's just a 'boyfriend' and I'm lucky he didn't turn into a husband but with all the anger and resentment I feel, I'm incredibly lonely and this part of me wants to run back to him again even though that's a horrible idea.
I'm sorry to drive you all crazy but I could use the company.
Not a total newbie, used to be just a lurker. I have the same problem as many of you do with someone that you love, wish you could help but just can't.
My now ex-bf used (coke was the DOC but alcohol played a major part too) a few times throughout our entire relationship, fight ensued, I ended up leaving & then come back a few days later. Every time I couldn't bare the thought of leaving him, I don't know why, I deserved so much better than this.
I was accused of cheating with multiple people at once, stealing money, of being a drug addict myself and so forth. Well it happened again today, I was accused of doing all of the above and to top it off I was called cruel names for the first time ever by him.
He denied ever touching drugs, no really, he tried to lie right to my face about it. Guess what? Didn't work this time.
How stupid does he think I am to believe that? Cocaine has got to be the most paranoia-inducing drugs out there. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who knows someone addicted to that stuff that causes them to lose their 'grip on reality'.
He also has an alcohol problem and hangs around a bunch of lowlife drug addicts, they apparently tell him awful stories about me and he believes it (instead of being a GOOD boyfriend and defending me or beating the crap out of such people). I have no idea if these people actually say anything about me because it's definitely believable that nothing was said at all and it was just an delusional brain telling him whatever he wants to believe.
Why do we continue to go back to these people and try to help them? And I mean this for everyone, whether they are a boyfriend, girlfriend, or family member. When is it gonna be ENOUGH is ENOUGH? I'm tired of helping thankless people; only for it to go back to the same old crap months down the road. I'm tired of falling for the same type of people, only to feel the same type of pain again. I'm tired, drained, emotionally abused and scared.
Why do we even care again? How do they suck us back in? Why can't we just switch our emotions off and stop trying to help them? No way they will ever change unless they actually make an effort once and for all.
I can't even cry right now I don't know how I feel. I know he's just a 'boyfriend' and I'm lucky he didn't turn into a husband but with all the anger and resentment I feel, I'm incredibly lonely and this part of me wants to run back to him again even though that's a horrible idea.
I'm sorry to drive you all crazy but I could use the company.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I fell for my sons lies because I so badly wanted to believe them. A rational healthy person who had used a harmful substance and then said that they were going to stop should be believed. What I didn't realize was that because of addiction, my son was no longer rational or healthy.
For me, I hit my "enough" point after years of futile efforts to save my son. The last time I had just come from a crack house, threatening to kick down the door if he didn't come out (a stupid and dangerous thing for a "lady" like me to do). It was then I hit my bottom, my "enough" point and I said a prayer and gave my son's care to God...where I have left it ever since.
I pray that yours comes much sooner than mine. In hindsight and after years of my own recovery, I look back and shake my head at how hard and how long I tried to control that which was not mine to control..the life of another person. I can see now the insanity of how I lived and am grateful to have found my way out of that dark hole.
Hugs
For me, I hit my "enough" point after years of futile efforts to save my son. The last time I had just come from a crack house, threatening to kick down the door if he didn't come out (a stupid and dangerous thing for a "lady" like me to do). It was then I hit my bottom, my "enough" point and I said a prayer and gave my son's care to God...where I have left it ever since.
I pray that yours comes much sooner than mine. In hindsight and after years of my own recovery, I look back and shake my head at how hard and how long I tried to control that which was not mine to control..the life of another person. I can see now the insanity of how I lived and am grateful to have found my way out of that dark hole.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
we do what we do because we become absolutely as sick - if not sicker - than they are. What they do isn't rational but what we do is irrational as well.
We do what we do because we become hooked into an unhealthy system. We have attributes and characteristics that cause us to play into a situation the way that we do and then remain hooked because we develop an addiction to the relationship or the person. We have strong characteristics of cooperation, loyalty, optimism, and hopefulness. Those characteristics are great until they have us staying longer than we should.
The true question for me isn't why they keep doing what they do....it's why I keep doing what I do. What I've learned is a lot about myself. I developed cognitive dissonance because I am dealing with someone that has 2 sides to them. I had difficulty reconciling reality. I have control issues because I can things the way that I want them and struggle to accept the reality that I was involved with someone that wasn't able to give me what I want and need. Except that I would see glimmers of what I wanted and needed. Something in my brain told me that those gimmers could be grown into something beautiful. I hate to give up - I'm tenacious. So...I believe that those are some of the reasons that we do what we do.
My own brain chemicals of loving/caring about someone with addiction mimic the impact that their substances have on their brains. I kept going back because it's what addicts do - they relapse and keep thinking that there is someway to safely "use" or that this time it will be different.
You are right to question whether anything that he tells you is the truth or not. It's just as likely that he is around people that say nothing about you. Even if they did though I think that "beating the crap" out of them to defend your honor is an unusual expectation.
I've tried to make sense of it all for a long time now - and have realized that when I am involved in a sick system that I can behave in a sick manner too. It's up to me to recognize it, get the help I need, and stay away.
We do what we do because we become hooked into an unhealthy system. We have attributes and characteristics that cause us to play into a situation the way that we do and then remain hooked because we develop an addiction to the relationship or the person. We have strong characteristics of cooperation, loyalty, optimism, and hopefulness. Those characteristics are great until they have us staying longer than we should.
The true question for me isn't why they keep doing what they do....it's why I keep doing what I do. What I've learned is a lot about myself. I developed cognitive dissonance because I am dealing with someone that has 2 sides to them. I had difficulty reconciling reality. I have control issues because I can things the way that I want them and struggle to accept the reality that I was involved with someone that wasn't able to give me what I want and need. Except that I would see glimmers of what I wanted and needed. Something in my brain told me that those gimmers could be grown into something beautiful. I hate to give up - I'm tenacious. So...I believe that those are some of the reasons that we do what we do.
My own brain chemicals of loving/caring about someone with addiction mimic the impact that their substances have on their brains. I kept going back because it's what addicts do - they relapse and keep thinking that there is someway to safely "use" or that this time it will be different.
You are right to question whether anything that he tells you is the truth or not. It's just as likely that he is around people that say nothing about you. Even if they did though I think that "beating the crap" out of them to defend your honor is an unusual expectation.
I've tried to make sense of it all for a long time now - and have realized that when I am involved in a sick system that I can behave in a sick manner too. It's up to me to recognize it, get the help I need, and stay away.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
For me, it was familiar, though painful as hell. I'd rather stay with sick and dysfunctional than to make healthy changes in my life. It scared the hell out of me to even consider change.
The relationship was also a strong distraction from my own issues. As long as I was enmeshed in his addictions, I had no time nor desire to look at myself.
It was turning into a deadly cycle for me.
I was also an addict/alcoholic, went into rehab shortly after he completed rehab, and never returned home to him. I knew death would follow, either through me relapsing, or him beating me to death (he was physically abusive).
We do the best we can with what we have, dear. Lots of reading, intensive therapy, and being active in Alanon have saved my bacon from returning to that horrid lifestyle.
I hope you continue to post, and sending you hugs of support!
The relationship was also a strong distraction from my own issues. As long as I was enmeshed in his addictions, I had no time nor desire to look at myself.
It was turning into a deadly cycle for me.
I was also an addict/alcoholic, went into rehab shortly after he completed rehab, and never returned home to him. I knew death would follow, either through me relapsing, or him beating me to death (he was physically abusive).
We do the best we can with what we have, dear. Lots of reading, intensive therapy, and being active in Alanon have saved my bacon from returning to that horrid lifestyle.
I hope you continue to post, and sending you hugs of support!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome, SoLongFarewell. You've landed at a great place. There's so much understanding, wisdom, and support here!
I'm not so good at succinctly translating my thoughts into words, so I borrowed from lightseeker (quoted below) the description that I think pretty well sums up the nature of one (including myself), who is/has been hooked on trying to help or fix an addict:
I'm not so good at succinctly translating my thoughts into words, so I borrowed from lightseeker (quoted below) the description that I think pretty well sums up the nature of one (including myself), who is/has been hooked on trying to help or fix an addict:
Originally Posted by lightseeker 
My own brain chemicals of loving/caring about someone with addiction mimic the impact that their substances have on their brains. I kept going back because it's what addicts do - they relapse and keep thinking that there is someway to safely "use" or that this time it will be different.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I firmly believe (as was said above) that we are every bit as sick as the addict. We are addicts too but our drug of choice is another person.
Just like an addict, we continue our behaviors until we become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just like an addict, we'll stop when the pain and fear of staying with them exceeds the pain and fear of leaving them......and not a minute sooner.
For me, that realization came much quicker with my AXH than it did with my son.
gentle hugs
ke
Just like an addict, we continue our behaviors until we become sick and tired of being sick and tired. Just like an addict, we'll stop when the pain and fear of staying with them exceeds the pain and fear of leaving them......and not a minute sooner.
For me, that realization came much quicker with my AXH than it did with my son.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by lightseeker
we do what we do because we become absolutely as sick - if not sicker - than they are. What they do isn't rational but what we do is irrational as well.
We do what we do because we become hooked into an unhealthy system. We have attributes and characteristics that cause us to play into a situation the way that we do and then remain hooked because we develop an addiction to the relationship or the person. We have strong characteristics of cooperation, loyalty, optimism, and hopefulness. Those characteristics are great until they have us staying longer than we should.
The true question for me isn't why they keep doing what they do....it's why I keep doing what I do. What I've learned is a lot about myself. I developed cognitive dissonance because I am dealing with someone that has 2 sides to them. I had difficulty reconciling reality. I have control issues because I can things the way that I want them and struggle to accept the reality that I was involved with someone that wasn't able to give me what I want and need. Except that I would see glimmers of what I wanted and needed. Something in my brain told me that those gimmers could be grown into something beautiful. I hate to give up - I'm tenacious. So...I believe that those are some of the reasons that we do what we do.
My own brain chemicals of loving/caring about someone with addiction mimic the impact that their substances have on their brains. I kept going back because it's what addicts do - they relapse and keep thinking that there is someway to safely "use" or that this time it will be different.
You are right to question whether anything that he tells you is the truth or not. It's just as likely that he is around people that say nothing about you. Even if they did though I think that "beating the crap" out of them to defend your honor is an unusual expectation.
I've tried to make sense of it all for a long time now - and have realized that when I am involved in a sick system that I can behave in a sick manner too. It's up to me to recognize it, get the help I need, and stay away.
We do what we do because we become hooked into an unhealthy system. We have attributes and characteristics that cause us to play into a situation the way that we do and then remain hooked because we develop an addiction to the relationship or the person. We have strong characteristics of cooperation, loyalty, optimism, and hopefulness. Those characteristics are great until they have us staying longer than we should.
The true question for me isn't why they keep doing what they do....it's why I keep doing what I do. What I've learned is a lot about myself. I developed cognitive dissonance because I am dealing with someone that has 2 sides to them. I had difficulty reconciling reality. I have control issues because I can things the way that I want them and struggle to accept the reality that I was involved with someone that wasn't able to give me what I want and need. Except that I would see glimmers of what I wanted and needed. Something in my brain told me that those gimmers could be grown into something beautiful. I hate to give up - I'm tenacious. So...I believe that those are some of the reasons that we do what we do.
My own brain chemicals of loving/caring about someone with addiction mimic the impact that their substances have on their brains. I kept going back because it's what addicts do - they relapse and keep thinking that there is someway to safely "use" or that this time it will be different.
You are right to question whether anything that he tells you is the truth or not. It's just as likely that he is around people that say nothing about you. Even if they did though I think that "beating the crap" out of them to defend your honor is an unusual expectation.
I've tried to make sense of it all for a long time now - and have realized that when I am involved in a sick system that I can behave in a sick manner too. It's up to me to recognize it, get the help I need, and stay away.
>>>>>>Wow,Lightseeker......every word of that was so powerful,AND TRUE!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by lightseeker
You are right to question whether anything that he tells you is the truth or not. It's just as likely that he is around people that say nothing about you. Even if they did though I think that "beating the crap" out of them to defend your honor is an unusual expectation.
I also found it it was speed (amphetamines?) that he was using for over a month, not that it makes a difference because they all do the same thing. I just love how he tried to blame it on me that I should have known he was using the entire time and I could have done something sooner to "help" him. I never really knew until the accusations erupt. Wow, not only must I be a mind-reader I must be Superman too.
Thanks for everyone to their replies, I really appreciate it and I'm glad I don't feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
(SoLongFarewell), my RAH preferred Cocaine as well....pretty much that and alcohol, but he was really into cocaine. When he would do alot of cocaine (i know this now because he's recovered and has answered a myriad of questions finally) he would get extremely paranoid and say the same stupid stuff to me that your boyfriend says. He would accuse me of cheating (never once did I), doing drugs (I have never touched drugs), he even thought i had the police follow him once?? CRAZYTRAIN!!! I can almost GUARANTEE you his friends are not saying that stuff about you....he is paranoid and making up crap thinking he's being clever and gonna stumble upon something. They are such morons on that stuff! Don't for one minute let him make you feel bad about yourself! Please! Take it from someone who lived it way too long!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by SoLongFarewell
My now ex-bf .....
If you want to know why you allowed it, there's always professional help. It's likely more efficient to learn how to set/enforce boundaries because you are worth it.
" I will not engage in relationships with active addicts or those new to recovery" is an effective boundary to protect you from more of the same. It does not seek to change other people. They can live their lives as they choose and so can you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by gurlie214
(SoLongFarewell), my RAH preferred Cocaine as well....pretty much that and alcohol, but he was really into cocaine. When he would do alot of cocaine (i know this now because he's recovered and has answered a myriad of questions finally) he would get extremely paranoid and say the same stupid stuff to me that your boyfriend says. He would accuse me of cheating (never once did I), doing drugs (I have never touched drugs), he even thought i had the police follow him once?? CRAZYTRAIN!!! I can almost GUARANTEE you his friends are not saying that stuff about you....he is paranoid and making up crap thinking he's being clever and gonna stumble upon something. They are such morons on that stuff! Don't for one minute let him make you feel bad about yourself! Please! Take it from someone who lived it way too long!
Yep. Total control freaks, it's a way to try and make us confess to something they think we did, so they can justify why they chose to make sh*tty decisions.
He's tried so many times now (and in the past) to blackmail me for things that never happened. A recent example is threatening to send the imaginary "porn" video I "made" with his co-workers to my parents. I asked him if I could see it, you know, just to see the frustrated look on his face because THERE IS NONE!
Now cocaine wasn't the DOC he had this time, but amphetamines, and it made him go off the tracks just like coke did.
I will never fathom why anyone chooses to go down that road...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Ann
In hindsight and after years of my own recovery, I look back and shake my head at how hard and how long I tried to control that which was not mine to control..the life of another person. I can see now the insanity of how I lived and am grateful to have found my way out of that dark hole.
Hugs
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Lara
I do understand and 'get' the point that we cannot control someone else's life. But is it such a bad thing to want to help? Is it so arrogant and egotistical to believe sometimes perhaps we are 'blessed' with different/ stronger/ more coping skills than say an addict - and that this puts us in a position to 'help' or support or advise?? This is where I battle - what draws the line between 'healthy support' and 'co-dependency'?? Can be so frustrating!
It took me several years to accept I was not the solution and my prior attempts to help/support were all about my own ego and belief I knew what was best for my daughter. Giving my daughter the gift of dignity to solve her own problems as she saw fit to do, save my own life.
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