Ellvk

Hi there,
I am in the beginning stages of getting my head around separating from my AH. We make similar salaries, so money is not a HUGE issue, though I would really want to keep the house, especially for the sake of our 8 year old daughter. (I so realize that that our home is not as important as her well being, but I do think stability will be important if we do separate).

I am wondering if there are those out there who had the A leave, rather than leaving yourself... and if so, how did you accomplish/go about it? Also, if you left WITH children, how did they deal with the move?

Thanks in advance.
L

Thumper

I did both kind of. I forced my A to leave by filing for divorce. Part of that was temporary use of the house. He would not have paid on the house and no way could I have paid the house and another place to live. The house was split 50/50 when the divorce finalized (law in my state) and so if I were to keep it I would have had to buy him out of his half. I couldn't afford the house so the kids and I ended up moving anyway. I won't lie - it was rough on them and they had to switch schools too. It would have been easier if I had stayed put but I would have never been able to swing that financially so we figured it out.

EnglishGarden

Ellvk,

From your two previous threads I can't tell if you are getting any recovery support there yet. Do you attend Al-Anon, do you have a counselor? I ask because alcoholism and alcoholics are very powerful, and we need a solid support system to hold to when we start changing the status quo and the alcoholic inevitably reacts in very negative ways. Most alcoholics are dominating and controlling, most are quick to anger, and all of them are selfish. They are not easy people to negotiate with.

So, your husband went to rehab, which means he knows how to get sober but hasn't the interest today. He is driving drunk, which means he will do so with your 8 year old child in the car. And he is simmering with resentments toward you.

My guess is he will be hard to get out of that house.

My suggestion is to first consult an attorney about a legal separation and visitation issues, begin attending Al-Anon, get a counselor if you can afford one (or your family doctor can make a referral and your insurance will cover it probably, as long as you tell your doctor about the alcoholism in the family), open a separate bank account without telling your husband and begin to save some money there from your salary. In fact, here we often recommend you begin to separate out as soon as you can your liabilities and debts from your AH's because his train wrecks are all waiting out there and you need not to be involved legally and financially.

I would recommend a few visits, maybe at least six or so, with your daughter to a family counselor when you are ready to make the household changes. It can make a world of difference and you are not the person to counsel her, she will pick up every piece of anxiety in you.

As well, when you separate, make absolutely sure her school is informed and have a document on file there about your AH's legal rights to pick her up there. (One hopes he will have none).

If you decide to live with him a while longer, consider telling a neighbor that he drinks (yes, blow that secret wide open), so an eye on your house and your child will be kept while you are away.

Some children are more resilient than others, so it is difficult to predict your daughter's adjustment should you separate or divorce, but there is no question she will be better off if you allow a counselor to speak with her and also if you make it very clear to her that you and your husband are both grown-ups and you are both completely capable of solving your grown-up problems and all she has to do is be a little girl and play and grow. She does not have to help you with your problems. (Children of alcoholic families absorb huge feelings of guilt about their "responsibility" to make the family well and the mother and father happy). Tell her this often.

We are here to offer feedback and support as you proceed, His alcoholism is permanent and getting worse, so one thing is certain: you will have to face that fact and get some help there to deal with it. You can do that, you can face reality and do what must be done. But you do need guidance from people who understand alcoholism and recovery.

Tuffgirl

I moved out - conveniently it was the ex's house to begin with - he refused to buy a home with me that would be our family home (thank God in the end!) so I was the one to move. My daughters are fine; relieved to be off that roller coaster ride of drama and tension. It was a bumpy first 6 months, though.

Do what you need to do for you. Because you are the one who sets the tone for your child. If you are ok, she will be ok, regardless.

Ellvk

Thanks you guys....
I do attend Alanon, and have started with a new therapist. She seems great, was recommended by the family therapist at AH's inpatient, as she is a LSW and an addiction counselor. We were originally going to see her together, but since he stopped being sober, I have decided to go alone.

My daughter has a fantastic therapist who specializes in childhood anxiety disorders (which she has) and international/ multi racal adoption ( which she is). You are absolutely right about bringing this team to the table.

I do need to consult a lawyer as well... We have a joint account as well as separate accounts, but I surely need to save more. Like, lots more.

My poor little girl. Ack.

Thank you!
L.

Lulu39

I emotionally separated from my STBXAH years ago - maybe 6 years ago.

I first noticed he was not wearing his wedding ring. He claimed it was too small for him. Yet, one of my (our) best friends is a jeweller and could have fixed that for him easily and for free.

He hates my guts because I make him drink and abuse me. QUACK!

So, I too, removed my wedding ring.

I stopped asking him to family functions with me.

I stopped using his name at work or with my friends.

I stopped referring to "we" or "us". when discussing my life.

I was so used to being a single parent I just decided to act as if I was, despite paying for his self destructive drunken drug abusing lifestyle, I had hoped he would see the light and grow up and take control of himself. He refused and still refuses to do so and just wants me to do it for him. I'm not going to do it any longer.

He is going. Soon, I hope. He has signed a lease and bought himself crappy, ugly furniture.

He is moving out. Sooner or later he will lose the job he now has and beg me to "DO SOMETHING". And I'm not going to do anything.

I just stopped using his name with anyone. Stopped discussing anything of importance with him because all it led to was QUACKING.

When it got to the point where he was quacking 24/7 and I just ignored him he realised I was done and agreed to move out.

Now he thinks it was all his idea and he is "excited" about leaving.

GettingBy

I ended up packing up the kids and leaving. My XAH initially said, "I'll go. You stay. I'll do whatever it takes to make this as easy as possible for the kids." That didn't happen - while we were still cohabiting (and I was waiting for him to make good on his promise to move out!), he started drinking more and things got crazy. We co-owned the house so I had no legal options for evicting him.

Moving out was not nearly as hard on the kids as I thought it was going to be. I rented a cute little house in an area between the old house and their school - familiarity was key for them. I made it as comfortable and home-like as possible before they moved in - I involved them in all the decisions (picking out new furniture, paint colors, etc). They stayed in the same school district. I went out of my way to keep things as consistent as possible - same bed time routine, dinner, etc.

A key part of our successful transition was therapy for mommy AND kids. Plus, our first day in the new house - we sat down as a family and set the rules for how we wanted to live. We decided as a group that there would be no more yelling, NO hitting, we would only use kind/respectful words with each other. It was instant peace at Mommy's House.

We are 8 months into our new life... and the kids are doing amazingly well. We have "stuff" that we are still dealing with (we sold the old family home in June - that was a transition/loss for us all to grieve) and my XAH bought a new house earlier this month... much farther away from us that we had discussed with the kids. They are a bit mad about the decision so I'm up their counseling appointments to help them move through the pain.

Stay focused on taking care of YOU, doing what's best for the kids... and the "path" will reveal itself in time.

SoaringSpirits

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I gave my husband an ultimatum, which was to make a plan to get his act together or leave. I gave him a week. I pretty much knew he would not take any action, but needed to set the stage for a separation.

At the week's end, I asked him to leave immediately. It made sense because it was far less disrupting to the kids. However, I figured he would not leave on his own accord, so I had a backup plan to take me and the kids to stay with my parents, and then live in a condo. I let him know this, that I would be packing up the kids that day and leaving our home if he did not get out.

When the day came, I was surprised and relieved that AH left without a fight. He agreed it would be less disruptive for the kids. We have been separated now for over a year and are getting a legal separation. He's still drinking and very much in denial that he has a problem with alcohol.

lillamy

I left with the kids and not much else.
In the divorce, my lawyer told me I could claim the house and put him out of it. I didn't want to. And by the time the divorce was actually final, I had settled in my new home -- which was small and in a marginal neighborhood, but home.

The kids are alright. The divorce is not what they're dealing with in weekly therapy; having lived with an alcoholic parent is.