kyles

Hello everyone. My name's Kylie. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He's been using heroin for a little over 1 year. I found out I was pregnant about 4 months ago. It wasn't planned or expected. Before that, I helped him hide is problem. I know I shouldn't have. He started avoiding a lot of the people who cared about him, especially his family. They knew something was up, but they had no idea it was as bad as it was. So, several weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I decided to tell his parents since I really didn't know what else to do. After some heavy pressure from all of us, he agreed to go to rehab. He's been in treatment since July. This is his first time, and he was not very open or willing to go. I'm worried it won't be enough. I want him home so bad, but I'm worried he's not prepared for life at home. Nobody I'm close to has any idea what I'm going through. Of course, they're all very opinionated on what I should do, but they don't seem to just want to listen to me and try to understand what I'm going through. It's very lonely. So, I guess I'm just here since I have very few people to talk to in real life....

crazybabie

Hello, kyles welcome to SR I am glad you found us yet sorry for the reasons. You will find a lot of people here who do understand since his family did not know about this until recently they are likely very confused and full of thoughts. they are just starting the path you have been on for so long. Can you tell them you just need them to listen?

Freedom1990

Hi Kyles, and welcome to SR!

You have landed among friends who understand and care, guaranteed.

Back when I was married to my addict husband, I was so very hopeful that he would come home healed after rehab. He was court-ordered.

The truth of the matter was he used and drank the day he got out of rehab. I was in rehab a few days later, and am now a long-term (22 years) recovering addict/alcoholic.

I had to walk away from him in order to save myself. We didn't have any children together, but I had a daughter from a previous marriage who endured 5 years of hell and misery because I stayed with him.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can share my personal experiences with addicts. BTW that little girl I referred to above is now a 34-year-old addict, and I have learned to have no expectation with her, and have strong boundaries. She will never ever live with me again. I just got done giving her a second chance by letting her move in late January to help her get on her feet.

Addiction does affect children tremendously, and it's something they are affected by the rest of their lives in my opinion.

You are not alone, my friend. I hope you continue to post and again, welcome!

kyles

Thanks for the response crazybabie. His parents were devastated when they found out. They're still very upset, but I am able to talk to them about it. I'm close to his family, but it's not the same as having my family to talk to. My friends and family try to listen, but they can't help but be opinionated about it. I also feel sort of weird talking to them about it, to be honest.

kyles

Freedom1990, thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I'm trying to be hopeful that this time will be enough and that he's ready to make the changes he'll need to stay clean once he comes home. I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. It's really hard with a babyon the way because I want to know if he'll be around or not. He's supportive and wants to be involved, but he won't be much help if he's using. I also realize I can't really let him be around the baby if he's still using, because like you say, addiction affects children so much. As pathetic as it seems, it will be incredibly hard for me to set boundaries and ultimatums. I don't feel I'm strong enough to do it.

crazybabie

I understand what your saying it helps most of us that are here sharing our experiences I feel you will find many good friends and learn a lot and I bet we will learn from you as well.
I find so much comfort here.

candi7

Nar anon would be a great place to start for you. I was a very lonely alcoholic until I found AA... So many people get me and that's what you will find at Nar anon... you will find others who live, love or care for a recovering or active addict.. What you do is get womens phone numbers and you call on them when you need to 24/7, that's what the program is all about. Those phone numbers saved my life, brought me great friends, best friend and sponsor....And when you go to those meetings you can bring up a topic that deals with an addict-so you could ask anything and these ladies/men will share their experience, strength and hope with you... And you will find you have SOOO much in common! Good luck girl !

kyles

I'm still sort of weird about talking to people face to face. Several people have suggested Nar Anon, but I don't know...can't force myself to go yet.

candi7

You don't have to talk till you are ready...
I felt the same way, so I went to listen, thought I wouldn't talk, till I realized everyone woman who was talking, was telling my story-then when I spoke, I ended up crying-and I got hugs- and not just hugs-they gave me stories of their experience, strength and hope-that they made it and I could too..

Vale

candi7 hit the nail on the head.Find a Nar anon.Meet other ladies in the same
situation.Get their numbers.

You will then have the most powerful force multiplier on your side---knowing you are not alone!

Freedom1990

Let me share a story about daughter #2. Shortly after I had one year clean/sober, I went to an AA sponsored dance in a nearby city, and was instantly attracted to one guy who was also a biker. He had 13 years sober, which was just amazing to me. He treated me very well...until I got pregnant.

When I asked if he was going to be involved in the baby's life, he said only if the baby was "his." Oh my God I was so hurt and angry that it's hard to describe. I was monogamous and this is what I got?!

Long story short, the relationship deteriorated rapidly after that. I ended up going my own way and knew I was going to be on my own with this baby, plus my then 9-year-old daughter.

He didn't even bother to call when I gave birth, and he didn't know her name until paternity was established and he got the paperwork.

The man is now 39 years sober. He's active in AA, does fabulous work with his sponsees and is greatly respected.

The truth of the matter is he was not there for his first set of kids because he was drinking (he's 20 years older than me). He hasn't been there for his second set of kids either in sobriety. He has another daughter one year younger than my daughter.

It has been a hard road raising two girls on my own. There were times I would collapse and cry at the end of the day. I worked any job I could get in order to support us. I had to turn to the state for health insurance on both daughters because both fathers were ordered to provide health insurance, and didn't.

My youngest daughter is now 24. She is a beautiful woman. She has deep wounds from the absence of an active father in her life, and I hope she addresses that issue at some point in her life.

She is currently working two jobs, one is babysitting 5 children during the day, then she goes to Subway for her evening shift. She will be starting her very first full-time job with benefits on the 5th of September.

She is driven and passionate about her horses (she has four). She went to horseshoeing school in Oklahoma during the summer last year. She does trims on the weekend for clients.

She knows which parent was there for her, and we have a good relationship. She just lives two blocks from me.

The rewards of single parenting are there. Sometimes I had to look for them.

I just wanted to share a few pictures of that beautiful daughter, Amber.







Being a single mom isn't the worst thing in the world, believe me. It was a challenge, but I am so blessed to have made it through all those years with the support of my friends in recovery.

Whatever your path may be, I wish you peace, serenity, and a heart full of gratitude.

kyles

Thanks again Freedom1990. Your daughter is beautiful and I'm glad to hear she seems to be doing pretty well, despite the pain of not having a father in her life.

I just already feel I can't be a mother anyway. I'm only 17. I'm not ready for this, especially to do it all alone. It sounds stupid, but sometimes I rather have someone that was "there" only about half the time than someone who is not there at all. I panic with any sort of struggle. My life was so easy until recently. I don't really know how to cope when things are difficult.

Freedom1990

I'm so sorry. I first got pregnant at 18. I was terrified. Although my ex wanted to marry me and do the right thing, it didn't help being married because I wasn't ready either.

I had no support from my family as they were ashamed I got pregnant out of wedlock.

That marriage only lasted 3 years because he got tired of my alcoholism and all that came with it. He was a "normie."

It's so important to find support for yourself, hon.

kyles

Sometimes I just wonder if I've made the right decision to keep the baby. Is it fair to bring a baby into a situation like this, with a 17-year-old mother who has no idea what she's doing and a father with addiction problems? I already feel guilty.

kyles

Well, my boyfriend is now officially scheduled to come home on Tuesday. I'm so happy to see him. It's been so long since I've seen him when he was clean. He sounds so amazing on the phone, so clear. I'm still scared. I talked to him yesterday and he said he is going to continue with out-patient therapy once he comes home. The rehab is states away, so now this means he has to find all new people he can trust and open up to here at home. He's not so good with doing that, so I hope he can connect with someone here. He still doesn't want to talk about a lot of it, but I can't force him to, I guess.
I'm going to try to get over my fear to go to a meeting. I know I need to talk to others in person. I suppose it's hard for everyone their first time. I still can't picture myself going, but I'm going to work to just do it. I know it's my bf who uses, but I only feel it's fair if I go and take care of myself too. Someone else told me that all those around/close to the addict become sick too, just a different sort.

PrayingMama

Hi kyles, and welcome. Sorry you have so much to cope with right now, but you sound bright and insightful and compassionate. Any 17-year-old who has enough self-awareness to know that motherhood is a huge commitment is on her way to becoming a great mother.

Going to the first meeting is scary--it was for me and I'm old I go to meetings and joined SR because my 21-year-old son is an IV heroin addict now in early recovery. I found the greatest people and they helped me, supported me, taught me things I desperately needed to learn, and they showed me that I was not alone.

You are not alone. There are resources for you also as a very young single mother. Even a faith community in your area can help connect you to people and organizations that can make your journey easier.

From one mama to another, put the guilt aside, reach out for all the help you need, and put yourself and that baby first.

I'll be praying that you have the courage to go to your first meeting. You can do it, and it will help.

Blessings.

outtolunch

Adoption is an unselfish act and you have time to decide if this alternative is the better choice for your unborn child.

kyles

Yeah, I know, but I just can't do this either. I know the baby will have (almost) everything it needs. The only thing it might be missing is a father, but hopefully not.

So, my bf came home from rehab today. He looks so great. He's supposed to meet with the people from the out-patient program he's going to continue with here at home. He's already trying to put it off though. He was like, "Well, since I just got home, maybe I'll wait a few days." This doesn't sound good. I know how he is and if he puts it off, he'll just continue putting it off. I really don't know if it's a good idea to go from daily therapy at a residential facility to absolutely nothing at home. It scares me a lot. So, I really hope he goes tomorrow. I'm trying to be hopeful. It's great just being able to text him whenever I want again (I know that sounds stupid, but the lack of contact was so hard for me).

kmangel

No it is not good to come home after rehab and take a break or think further recovery work is not necessary. My son did the same after rehab. All the way home he spoke about going to meetings (it was a two day drive), but the tune changed when he walked in the front door. First it was he was too tired, but the next day's excuse was he didn't need meetings (at least not AA type meetings)--a red flag IMO. He did agree to private counseling sessions (on our nickel) though.

SeekingGrowth

Delay in starting the outpatient program is a very bad idea. He needs to come home and not miss a beat in terms of the aftercare program. He should consider it a continuation of the inpatient rehab - inpatient rehab is NOT enough to solidify recovery, especially when the DOC is heroin. He is in early, early recovery, and NEEDS to make a recovery program a central part of his life for quite some time. My bet is that if he delays this - even for a short while - he will be using again within weeks, if not days.

Sounds like he is doing what so many addicts do - "I've got this, I don't need all that recovery stuff, I can do it my way, I'm not like the others," blah, blah, blah. Pretty much always ends in failure.

But at the same time, you can't force it. It's his recovery (or not). All you can do is encourage, know your boundaries, and stick with them. I've been where you are with my AS. It was not a fun place. Good luck. Saying a prayer for you and your ABF.