washbe2

After my son's last surgery, he was provided with plenty of pain meds - which he abused because his "tolerance level is so high". I'm sure that's true, but what about when they are gone? The source ends.

Hubby and I went by AS's place after dinner tonight. He was in severe withdrawals with chills, diarhea, aching, sick, and didn't get out of bed the few minutes we were there. His camper is parked in an area without anyone near. All the other campers there are just there for occasional weekend use, so he is completely alone.

Told son (not that he didn't know) he needed help to get over this. He said he needs a doctor to write scripts for him. Not gonna happen. He has no transportation or contacts where he is now which is a good thing. It is quite far from any sources but also far away from any help.

I read so many posts here from strong mamas and want to be like you, but here I sit feeling so very sorry for him and what he is going through. I just don't like to see anyone suffer for any reason and it makes my heart ache.

He needs to return to doctor to have the 16 staples removed from the cut leg, but said he can't move to go. He has a court set for Monday morning. He's too sick to go.

Wish I could just not worry that he is in withdrawals and think that's what he deserves for abusing drugs. I believe I'm always going to feel sorry for him which is not good, but I believe he is always going to use drugs. He's just not going to stop. I'm almost embarrassed to even post that I'm worried about him and feel sorry for him. Capital codependent. Not one thing I can do. But that's just the way this wimpy mama feels right now. Someone kick me.

GardenMama

I won't kick you! I will be Codie and say: You have every reason to feel the way you do. He had surgery, he's suffering, he's alone, he has to make it to court...it is a lot of trouble being him, being an addict! I am all for our own codie-recovery, and I support you wholeheartedly in that. I think it's okay to feel worried for a bit and to not know what to do that is best for both of you. I am not sure any of us could be hardened to our child's suffering; what I am understanding is that it is HOW we respond and react that matters.

I am new here. I have little to offer but my sympathy for you, your son, and some heartfelt prayers that you get some sleep tonight. Anyone else have insights?

Peace.

Justfor1

He is going through a tough withdrawal from the pain meds but he will not die. Opiete withdrawal is like the worst flu you ever had X5. If he misses court he will be in more trouble. Consequences from using.

EnglishGarden

He needs to be sick. The sicker he is, the more likely he will want to quit for good.

Withdrawal is supposed to hurt. Addicts need to hurt so they won't want to go through this hell again.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you, but honestly, it is a time for celebration when an addict's drug turns on him and the love affair goes cold.

Your son will be through the worst of it in a few days. I hope he then with all his heart seeks recovery.

It is much better he is suffering than "getting well" with a needle or a pill.

Just hang on.

Ann

Sorry you have to go through this, Washbe. He knows he's in bad shape and you know he's in bad shape...the thing is, his solution is to continue using and your solution (the logical healthy one) is to stop.

As long as he continues to use, it will stay bad or get worse. That's the very very sad reality of drug abuse. My son too chose the bad path, so I know it's hard to accept, but our only other choice is to worry ourselves to death because they won't change until they change, and all our worrying won't change the outcome...or we can accept the sad reality and keep praying for them.

I think it's kind that you and your husband stopped by to check on him, but it's sad that what you saw was so upsetting.

Keeping your boy and all of you in my prayers, Washbe, that one day soon this all takes a turn for the better.

Mama size hugs

SeekingGrowth

I'm sorry, Washbe, but I don't see anything in your post that sounds like codependency. You are his mother and you love him - therefore, it hurts you to see him in pain, and you are very reasonably worried about his welfare. Please don't make yourself feel any worse by feeling guilty for loving your son. Despite your love and concern, you are stepping back and are not enabling, which you know is the right thing to do. It takes great strength to do that; you are not a "wimpy mama" by any means.

Prayers going out for you and your son.

dollydo

He has gone through this so many times before it is just part of the routine for him. Gobble up all his pills, then go through withdrawal, it is his cycle of addiction.

I agree with Ann, all the worrying is not going to change a thing...except put you in an early grave.

You are not "wimpy" you are just a codependent mom, try and take care of you!

Freedom1990

As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic, I am grateful for every miserable experience I had while in active addiction. It took all of that and more in order for me to finally reach out for help.

As for my AD, I refuse to "cushion" her fall, nor do I feel sorry for her, whether it's withdrawals, jail, her chronic obtructive pulmonary dease at 34, which is a direct consequence of her smoking pot daily for 15 years and smoking cigarettes to this day. she has 4 teeth in her head (from smoking meth years ago) and is morbidly obese.

Her goals in life are to win her disability and get a boyfriend. She was court-order to IOP after her last felony, and fooled the counselor so well she was dismissed from the program 2 months early. She knows exactly when she can use Lortabs (when she has her hands on some) and still test clean at the P.O.'s. she sells part of her xanax prescription at the beginning of the month for money, and every time she has gotten soma from the physician, she sells all of those.

She has not gotten caught...yet. That is a federal offense, and I guarantee, based on her criminal record that she won't see daylight for a long time.

Do I feel sorry for her? No. I will always love her, but I remember the pain and agony I went through all those years while active. I allow her the dignity to experience what she does. She may never get recovery. My EXAH never did, and he's been dead a few years. That is a very real possibility for her.

I know the hurt of a momma's heart, and we all grow at our own pace. You have a right to feel what you feel, dear.

Sending you gentle hugs of support!

outtolunch

All moms worry.

I got to a point back when, when I allowed myself exactly 5 minutes to worry and play the " what if" game. When the time was up, it was time to refocus on those things I controlled with an emphasis on my own reactions. With practice, it has become almost second nature. I learned to turn it off, almost like a light switch.

If I do not practice my recovery tools, nothing changes.

washbe2

Mad again. Went to get son to take him to have staples removed. He was still very sick and told me he had to have something and that I was going to have to take him to Place A, B, or C so he could get some pain meds. I told him I wasn't going anywhere else. He got so angry, told me he would take someone's car to get there. Told him to go ahead and he would be withdrawing in jail.

I have a new car because my old one caught on fire. He smokes and lit a cig to smoke in my car. I told him to get it out of car and he said NO. He told me to take the dog home with me cause he wouldn't be around to care for him. He would be gone in an hour or so. He said to cremate him and give his fishing stuff to old friend.

We we got back to his place, he jumped out of car without dog and cigs. I got out and put them outside his door. He came out with a rope and began attempting to throw it over a tree branch as if he intended to hang himself and wanted to be sure i knew it.
I got back in car and left without a word.

Minutes later received text. It was not pretty. Even said f..you. Just remember this was my choice..Come get dog so he won't starve. He's not going through this again.

I did respond with "This too shall pass". Told him I was sorry he was sick and I would help him get in pain management or treatment, but nothing illegal and if he ever spoke with me like that, I was done with him.

I don't think for one minute he intended to hang himself. Just manipulation. Yes, he is sick, but I really don't know anything I can do to help that he is willing to accept. I will NOT get in touch with him in any form. I want to stay mad. I do much better when I am mad rather than feeling sorry for him. I want to be mad a while longer. One of my problems is that I forget and forgive too easily.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement to a mom that continues to struggle.
You all mean so very much to me.

SeekingGrowth

I admire your strength, Washbe. You've drawn your boundaries and you stuck to them despite the chaos, stress, and pressure that your son dished out. Now it's time to de-stress and focus on you. Time to do something nice for yourself, and shut out the insanity of addiction for awhile.

tjp613

(((Washbe))) You've done so much. All you can do, really. I hope for so much better for all of us....and most of all for our addicted loved ones. This is so hard.

Let's blow this popsicle stand and go on a cruise.

Impurrfect

(((Washbe)) - I think you are doing GREAT!! I know this has to be stressful, but you aren't falling for his manipulation and that shows huge growth.

He is grown and his staple removal and all other after care is up to him. Doesn't mean you won't worry about him, but I'm glad to see you feeling anger. I made most of my steps forward when I was angry.

He's acting like a 2-year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Once he finds out it doesn't work, he may just start thinking about his life and if the way he's living is what he wants to deal with for years.

Stay strong, come here and post. We are definitely here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Washbe, an oldie, but a real goodie: "Nothing changes if Nothing changes."
You are changing your reactions to his manipulation and that is exactly what will show your AS that the game is over for you. And of course, we all worry about our children and you are in a front row seat to your sons. I almost think its easier to not know anything about what our A's are up to, this way we can imagine the worst, hope for the best and do the one thing we can do, let them go.
It is very hard, don't get me wrong, but I have tried the old way too long and the result has always always been the same. JJ uses, I lose.

Seren

Wow, Washbe, what a day!

I think you handled yourself very well. I must admit, he does get extra style points for actually getting out a rope

My stepson used to say that he would just throw himself off the bridge here in town. *sigh* They do try everything in their arsenal, sometimes.

I hope that tonight will be peaceful for you!

washbe2

Received text about an hour ago. Needed money. Going to ***. (His old town an hour and half away where he has contacts.) I haven't responded. So I know he didn't hang himself or taken his life another way.....never thought he would. I'm at a point where at times this would almost seem like the easy way out. He is terminally ill. It's a matter of time. Nothing in the world I would love more than to have a healthy son who is responsible and respectful. It's never going to happen. I know that.

Well, my honey just came in from cleaning the car ranting because something had been spilled on the car mat passenger side. I knew it was there days ago but didn't have any luck getting it out. It's from son being in car. Could be beer, milkshake, etc. Kind of matted the fibers. Hubby is a great guy but a "take care of things with motors" nut. He is mad. He doesn't know anything about what I've been through today. The less he knows, the better. Oh, well. I hold in a lot of stuff. So thankful I can spill it all here.

Ann

(((Washbe)))That was some bad day you just had. Now it's time to rest and take pause to remind yourself that this is all out of your hands.

Perhaps you could take the dog to a shelter? He has nothing to do with this and your son is probably not taking care of him?

Love you lots, sorry you had to go through all this.

Hugs

washbe2

Amazingly, he does take care of dog..his only real friend. I wouldn't allow the dog to suffer. I love him and all animals, too.

Have received new texts telling me he hopes I can live with the aftermath and who to give what to. My only response is I will take him to a hospital if he will go. That is all. I won't talk to him. There's nothing to say. Don't know why I'm even reading the texts..just holding on to some hope, I guess, that he will want help. Should that happen, I would take him. Whew! Hubby won't be happy if I mess up the clean car, but he wouldn't try to stop me, I know.

Also just had a text from his childhood friend who told me he was getting strange messages from my son and I needed to call him before he hurts himself. The friend lives two hours away and is out-of-town now anyway. He is concerned, but knows my son, too.

We never know what life holds from one minute to the next. Seize the day.

EJG123

My D used to threaten suicide and in her deranged condition, I think she thought she might go through with it but that someone would stop her. Eventually, she realized that she had to stop herself.

washbe2

Can't sleep.. Had two hour nap this afternoon, so playing on iPad.

Just got message from son's ex girlfriend. The message is a forward from my son to her about checking out of life. Apparently he's telling anyone that means anything to him goodbye. There is a voicemail, too, but I won't listen to it. Least not til tomorrow.

I did retext him to say I would take him to a hospital and I love him. I don't think that's wrong. Do you?