justagirl5729

Story:
I'll start off by saying I'm new...so, hi.

So I have this friend, I'll call him Steve. We've been friends for years, all through high school and college. He had some trouble with drinking during school, but he hid it really well and I didn't even know about it til he told me. He went to rehab during that time and was sober for like five years, until recently.

A few months ago a mutual friend of ours died in a car accident, and Steve was the one who was driving. So, he took it really badly, but I didn't talk with him for a while because I just didn't want anything to do with him because he reminded me of what happened.
So I went to therapy for a few weeks and then I decided to start talking with him again...and I found out he'd started drinking!*
He took like every sick day from work he had and so when I went to see him he was spending every minute totally wasted. When he was threatened with losing his job he decided to go back, and that made me happy because I thought, hey, he'd finally stop drinking. But no. Instead, he gets up, goes to work, and drinks until he passes out as soon as he gets home.*

I don't know what to do. I never catch him when he's sober. Sometimes on the weekends I'll see him when he's hungover and give him a guilt trip, during which he apologizes profusely. But he always says he doesn't have a problem since he has a job and isn't hurting anybody. I don't think he's even driven drunk before, so I don't have an argument for him.*

What can I do, if anything? I barely hang out with him anymore, because he's so annoying when he's drunk, but I really miss him. He's like a different person now, and I'm about to cut him off completely even though I don't want to. Is there anything else I can do?

Spes

Hi, I think you already know your answer. Unfortunately, there really is nothing else you can do; he is the only one who can change his life. The question is: "what do you want to do with your life and your future?"

Yes, you miss him and you may always miss him but, as you already know, he is a different person now so you really miss what was, not who he is now.

I'm sorry you are hurting. Stick around and read all our stories. Ask questions when you need answers and, above all, take care of you.

Welcome to SR.

JrsJourney

Hi and welcome to SR. I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Sometimes people grieve in very unhealthy ways. Honestly there is nothing you can do to "help" your friend have the desire to be willing to stop drinking.

You can be supportive and listen and if he is open, honest and willing he can get help for himself.

Since he has been to rehab in the past does he have a sponsor in the program?

All you can do is set healthy boundaries for yourself. You can say to him in a loving and kind way that you understand he is grieving the loss of your friend's life but that it makes you very uncomfortable listening to him and offering him support when he is drunk. Then ask him to only come to you for support when he is sober. You can say this from a pure stance of love without anger or manipulation and then leave it at THAT. You have voiced your healthy boundaries.

The only thing you can do in this situation is take care of yourself. I wish you luck. Please keep us posted and keep coming back

NYCDoglvr

I understand you have good intentions but it really is time to sever ties. There is nothing you can do or say that will affect his drinking. Perhaps you can pray for him.

fourmaggie

the 3Cs

you did not cause it
you cant control it
and there is no cure

AlcoholicLove

You did not CAUSE it
You cannot CONTROL it
You cannot CURE it

NWGRITS

And all trying to "help" is going to do is serve to drive YOU crazy. Detaching can be hard, but it's necessary. Best of luck to you!