emmaanglaise

And am terrified that the sane, kind, happy person I normally am can change into a selfish, excessive, immoral crazy person because one drinknearly always leads to a couple of bottles.

I've been struggling with drinking for as long as I can remember - I quit for 2 years after my 1st child was born then thought I was ok and started again. I've gone through all the ways to help the drinking like mixing wine with soda, only drinking on weekends etc. Nothing works so I want to go to AA.

I have the support of a loving husband but I can't tell him about my rock bottom moment (3 days ago) because it would kill him. It really did frighten me.

I just wanted to share and know that this has happened to other people and that I'm not completely mad.

Sapling

Welcome to SR....That's the same place I was...Hopeless. I can honestly tell you if you go into AA wanting it to work...With an open mind and willing to follow suggestions....It will work. And it will change your life...That's what I needed....Change. Glad you are here.

Anna

I'm glad you found us.

I'm not an AA person, but I'm sure you will find support there. And, you can always find support here at SR.

emmaanglaise

There's an 'as bill sees it' meeting on Saturday which I think I'll go to. Thanks for the welcome, it means a lot.

Sapling

Enjoy it...This is a great site for online support!

emmaanglaise

How do you deal with the crazy things you've done that only happened because of drinking? Do you forgive yourself? I hope so because I feel like I will never be able to believe in myself again.

Huey

Welcome.

MrsKing

It gets easier with time, emmanglaise - you turn yourself into a better, sober person who no longer does those crazy things and you learn to forgive yourself, as those around you do, too, and over time you like yourself for who are you, and realise that although you can't change the past, you can do everything you can to never get there again.

The only thing we can do by way of apology is to be sober.

I know that in almost five months of sobriety, I am happy with who I am. I am not happy with who I was, but I am no longer that person - I am now the sober person who I've always wanted to be.

Welcome to SR. I'm sure you'll find lots of help and support here.

Wishing you all the best x

773niki

emmaanglaise - welcome! I'm fairly new to the site too and I can relate to your message. I myself have played the on/off wagon game for awhile - always fooling myself into thinking I was "better" - only to fall further and further down each and every time. My "rock bottoms" became lower and lower and worse and worse every single time I went on a drinking spree. One drink? Hahaha, I tried! And I may have been able to keep it up for a day, a week, whatever. But eventually (and most often sooner, rather than later) that one drink would turn into a half pint, which quickly would turn into another trip to the store for a pint, which would eventually turn into "screw it, I'll jsut buy a bottle so I don't have to keep going out to buy alcohol - it'll last me awhile."

Ummm..yeah, and then I would be done with that within a day.

Not a good track record. Good luck with your sobriety - I'm 2 weeks in today again, and I feel positive and better than ever.

I would consider, however, talking to your husband about your rock bottom. Would you share it here? I am just a firm believer that talking/venting about the stuff we are most ashamed of really helps get over it/forgive ourselves/releases some guilt.

I have yet to tell anyone my last rock bottom - which is fairly new - and the whole thing is something I am not proud of. AT ALL. Just became a liar and the lies got deeper and deeper and affected more and more people. I was a sick person. One day, I'll let it out so I don't feel so bogged down! Ugh, I hate myself when I drink.

bbthumper

Welcome
As strange as it sounds, the bottom is a good place to be. YOu can only go up from there if you choose.
AA has worked for me and countless others. I hope you have success there.
Glad to hear you are going to attend a meeting. In the meantime maybe consider reading the beginning chapters of The Big Book of AA. You can find it online. I know there is a PDF version available at aa.org.
If you can relate to any thing in those beginning chapters, AA is probably a good fit for ya.
Wish you the best. Hang in there and your life WILL get better.

Sapling

That's exactly what the 12 steps are for...Clearing the wreckage of our past....And getting right with what is good. A complete change in how we think of ourselves...And others. It's quite a journey. I'd say amazing for lack of a better word.

artsoul

Welcome emma!

The longer I drank, the more I lost my true self. It's unfortunate, but a lot of us need an experience like you had to motivate us to get sober. The good news is that you're doing something about it and can use it for positive change.

When, where, and how much you share with your husband is up to you. I'd say give yourself some time and focus on your sobriety for the moment. Glad you've decided to join us!

Hevyn

I agree with artsoul. I think of the drunk me as another person entirely. I did so many out-of-character and dangerous things while loaded. For awhile, I dwelled on them and the guilt almost kept me from getting sober. Please be kind and patient with yourself as you heal. Don't try to resolve everything at once. You can do this!

ZiggyB

Today I came across this website about being gentle with yourself. I think there are some good ideas here. Beating yourself up with guilt is not going to make you any happier, just try to make tomorrow a better day.

Be Gentle with Yourself

candi7

This was the normal for me! I know exactly what you are talking about. AA saved my life in more ways than one! You are not completely mad! It's just the insanity of the first drink-it sets up a craving that drives you to drink to (in my case) blackout... And forget about the lack of inhibitions a drink caused me and what that led this good girl to do in the past-don't want to go there EVER again...

Dee74

welcome to SR Emma

D

Pondlady

Ziggy,
Interesting site, will delve into it deeper later...thanks for posting it. I think many alcoholics are hard on themselves.