How long does it take to heal ?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 75
How long does it take to heal ?
In 4 months removed( no contact) with my EXah partner. I loved her very much but realised the best thing for me was us not being together..
I dont miss the drama, Im not really sure I miss her. we were together 5 years. Whats concerning me is I have no interest at all in dating..
For those that have been through this how long does it take to heal ?
I dont miss the drama, Im not really sure I miss her. we were together 5 years. Whats concerning me is I have no interest at all in dating..
For those that have been through this how long does it take to heal ?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I am working really hard at my recovery and don't have a lot of room (or safety) for the idea of dating now.
I am two years out.
That does not mean I don't feel that I am healing and that it is not better now than it was two years ago (it is). However I am coming to realize that not being "healed" was part of the problem that got me into this relationship in the first place.
It has been a great chance to focus on me. I think if I dated I would get distracted with someone else's stuff again.
I am two years out.
That does not mean I don't feel that I am healing and that it is not better now than it was two years ago (it is). However I am coming to realize that not being "healed" was part of the problem that got me into this relationship in the first place.
It has been a great chance to focus on me. I think if I dated I would get distracted with someone else's stuff again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Shasta, CA
Posts: 91
It has been suggested, that those that move on and find happiness dont come back here much.
I too am going on 2 years of being seperated, and not seeing ANY dating in the future. We were together for 5 years also, and have a 3 yo boy.
It is heartbreaking and confusing, seems it would have easier if one of us just stopped loving the other and one dumped the other. But it is much more then that when it comes to alcoholism. It didnt work out, and there is always that hope and wonder that if alcohol wasnt around, if it would have. <------ that is hard to forget about when you want to be a family.
Sometimes I imagine maybe dating, and thinking,
"what if this guys has a beer, am I gonna freak out!?" probably- LOL cant go there, dont want to go there.
God will let me know when its time. I have my son and that is all i need.
I too am going on 2 years of being seperated, and not seeing ANY dating in the future. We were together for 5 years also, and have a 3 yo boy.
It is heartbreaking and confusing, seems it would have easier if one of us just stopped loving the other and one dumped the other. But it is much more then that when it comes to alcoholism. It didnt work out, and there is always that hope and wonder that if alcohol wasnt around, if it would have. <------ that is hard to forget about when you want to be a family.
Sometimes I imagine maybe dating, and thinking,
"what if this guys has a beer, am I gonna freak out!?" probably- LOL cant go there, dont want to go there.
God will let me know when its time. I have my son and that is all i need.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
As long as you are making progress at thinking healthier, then that is a good thing.
How long it takes depends totally on the individual. Those not making progress, well, it will take forever, just like an addict that never gives up the bottle--they are never cured.
Those making progress will vary in time of recovery, from months to years.
There is no answer to your question because it is completely dependent upon the individual.
I suggest that you focus on your progress--don't compare yourself to others--as a famous author once wrote--when we compare ourselves to others we either become bitter or vain.
Are you making progress?
Then GOOD!
Nobody else's progress matters in comparison. Do learn from their progress, which is why we read each other's threads and responses, because it may help your progress continue.
How long it takes depends totally on the individual. Those not making progress, well, it will take forever, just like an addict that never gives up the bottle--they are never cured.
Those making progress will vary in time of recovery, from months to years.
There is no answer to your question because it is completely dependent upon the individual.
I suggest that you focus on your progress--don't compare yourself to others--as a famous author once wrote--when we compare ourselves to others we either become bitter or vain.
Are you making progress?
Then GOOD!
Nobody else's progress matters in comparison. Do learn from their progress, which is why we read each other's threads and responses, because it may help your progress continue.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I went no contact with XA in June of 2011.
I had zero desire to be involved with anyone.
It took me a good 8-9 months to feel comfortable enough to even talk to a man. I simply had no desire to be sociable, to go out and make small talk was just too much work.
What has transpired in the past year is I now have an overly keen awareness when I am in the company of people drinking. (And I don't like it) I find myself fixated on how others act when drinking. I pay way too much attention to how they hold their drink, their body language, the way their voices change after a drink or two, the gait of their walk, it's as if I can see their inhibitions leaving their body, and I just don't want to be a witness to their shenanigans. I feel like I developed some alkie radar, and find myself being way to judgemental of others.
While I know it's not my business or concern, this radar has become my protector, as i vowed to never be involved with an alkie again. I no longer have tolerance for loud, obnoxious people overconsuming. I find myself declining more invitations these days.
I agree with MadeofGlass, it's a personal journey that we have to travel alone. Around Easter, I started casually dating a wonderful man, and things are going amazingly well, except for I keep looking for something that isn't there. (alcoholism). Guess these are the scars we get to carry from the disease.
I do not know if we can ever let it go completely, perhaps others may be able to share their experience.
Wishing you all the best.
I had zero desire to be involved with anyone.
It took me a good 8-9 months to feel comfortable enough to even talk to a man. I simply had no desire to be sociable, to go out and make small talk was just too much work.
What has transpired in the past year is I now have an overly keen awareness when I am in the company of people drinking. (And I don't like it) I find myself fixated on how others act when drinking. I pay way too much attention to how they hold their drink, their body language, the way their voices change after a drink or two, the gait of their walk, it's as if I can see their inhibitions leaving their body, and I just don't want to be a witness to their shenanigans. I feel like I developed some alkie radar, and find myself being way to judgemental of others.
While I know it's not my business or concern, this radar has become my protector, as i vowed to never be involved with an alkie again. I no longer have tolerance for loud, obnoxious people overconsuming. I find myself declining more invitations these days.
I agree with MadeofGlass, it's a personal journey that we have to travel alone. Around Easter, I started casually dating a wonderful man, and things are going amazingly well, except for I keep looking for something that isn't there. (alcoholism). Guess these are the scars we get to carry from the disease.
I do not know if we can ever let it go completely, perhaps others may be able to share their experience.
Wishing you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by webber1 
Whats concerning me is I have no interest at all in dating..
Sometimes I wonder if anyone is really "interested" in "dating" at all. It's more like a necessary evil people feel like they have to do in order to find a suitable partner.
You do what you feel comfortable with, at your own pace.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I touched on some of this in my therapy session yesterday.
I realized in my session that I am not an anxious person, but I do get myself into trouble when my internal state does not match something outside of me. I almost always default to the outside or external view, and then try to fit my internal parts around it to make it better. I did this really badly with my qualifier after I realized drinking was a part of my marriage, and took the bait about how it was my own fault time and time again as a result.
I don't mean to make it sound like I can't listen or ask for advice....that is helping me to gather information to make my own internal decision. What I struggle with is when I have decided on my own (like when I was telling my mom that drinking and alcoholic behaviors were a part of my relationship many years ago), and she said "Well it takes two to make a marriage work," and I was off to the races trying to fix my end of it because I had to look at my own stuff first before I could say anything about the alcohol.
I realized yesterday that I am not ready to be in a relationship until I stop doing that, and I go with the internal validation. That has been a huge learning edge for me (and it was in place well before the marriage) so my guess is that it is not for everyone and it is something others work through faster.
I realized in my session that I am not an anxious person, but I do get myself into trouble when my internal state does not match something outside of me. I almost always default to the outside or external view, and then try to fit my internal parts around it to make it better. I did this really badly with my qualifier after I realized drinking was a part of my marriage, and took the bait about how it was my own fault time and time again as a result.
I don't mean to make it sound like I can't listen or ask for advice....that is helping me to gather information to make my own internal decision. What I struggle with is when I have decided on my own (like when I was telling my mom that drinking and alcoholic behaviors were a part of my relationship many years ago), and she said "Well it takes two to make a marriage work," and I was off to the races trying to fix my end of it because I had to look at my own stuff first before I could say anything about the alcohol.
I realized yesterday that I am not ready to be in a relationship until I stop doing that, and I go with the internal validation. That has been a huge learning edge for me (and it was in place well before the marriage) so my guess is that it is not for everyone and it is something others work through faster.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
You really have to go at your own pace. It's been two months now and I signed up for a dating site, it has been helping me to go out and not feel too lonely but I don't think I want to be in another serious relationship for a while. You will know when you are ready to let someone else into your life... I was not married to my axbf though, I think that makes moving on a lot easier.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I finally let go of the most disastrous relationship of my life I started dating as practice on picking the right man. I learned to listen and was surprised that people tell you a great deal about themselves. I went out with the awareness that it's really what I feel about someone, not what they think of me. It was very empowering to focus on what I need, not what someone else needs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
I think it is different for everyone. I'm separated from my wife for about a month now, and I feel like dating. If a woman asked me out I would have a hard time saying no if she seemed like a good person.
But as someone said, our pickers are broken. I know it is going to take at least a year before I would even think about getting serious with someone, and I made my self a rule I would wait until my divorce is final before I dated.
I think it is fine to be single, I always have, I didn't date much in my 20's, and I think a small part of why I married my AW is because I was over 30, and not married. In fact before I dated my wife, I dated another alcoholic for a few months.
I just realized my picker is really broken. But I think I am also attracted to normal people, but because of who I am, I don't attract normal people.
But as someone said, our pickers are broken. I know it is going to take at least a year before I would even think about getting serious with someone, and I made my self a rule I would wait until my divorce is final before I dated.
I think it is fine to be single, I always have, I didn't date much in my 20's, and I think a small part of why I married my AW is because I was over 30, and not married. In fact before I dated my wife, I dated another alcoholic for a few months.
I just realized my picker is really broken. But I think I am also attracted to normal people, but because of who I am, I don't attract normal people.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I read this thread the day it was posted but had no idea how to formulate a response at first. Healing is different for everyone, and I am not sure I would consider healing the right phrase for me, anyway. I am living each day knowing that I won't heal from my experience...I will simply learn to live with it and get past it. I know I still hold anger and bitterness at the demise of my marriage. I know it still hurts my kids, too. This was not the life we were promised, by someone we all trusted.
I know that in order to have another relationship in the future, I need to no longer feel the bitterness from this one, and no longer carry with me a sense of shame that somehow I failed. Those are things I work on every day, one day at a time.
I know that in order to have another relationship in the future, I need to no longer feel the bitterness from this one, and no longer carry with me a sense of shame that somehow I failed. Those are things I work on every day, one day at a time.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I for one don't think I will ever be completely "healed" of everything I endured in my 17 plus year relationship with my now exah ~
Not from the things he did, from the things I did, nor from the things the disease did ~
After that many years - many of these things are just a part of me ~
BUT the miracle of recovery is, my HP and I can turn those wounds into scars that I use to share my e, s, & h to help others on their path of recovery ~
some days I don't feel the pain at all - then something out of the blue will bring the fear back up front - I just use the tools I've been given to survive and face the day knowing I don't have to live that way ever again!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Not from the things he did, from the things I did, nor from the things the disease did ~
After that many years - many of these things are just a part of me ~
BUT the miracle of recovery is, my HP and I can turn those wounds into scars that I use to share my e, s, & h to help others on their path of recovery ~
some days I don't feel the pain at all - then something out of the blue will bring the fear back up front - I just use the tools I've been given to survive and face the day knowing I don't have to live that way ever again!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Interesting topic and I totally agree with TG's post. I am doing a pretty good job of recovering from my relationship with my STBXAW. It's been over a year since I moved out but I have no desire to date all.
What I am dealing with now is all the crap I have from my AF. The issues are similar but different. I'm really annoyed that I am going through the whole rage thing again. This is something I thought I had put behind me a long time ago but that was before I started working my program. Oh, well, I now have the tools to handle it but I sure wish I didn't have to go back and do this again.
Oh, yeah. I'm almost 59 and was married for 36 years. Don't really feel a need to jump on the dating band wagon in the near future. I rather enjoy just being by myself.
Your friend,
What I am dealing with now is all the crap I have from my AF. The issues are similar but different. I'm really annoyed that I am going through the whole rage thing again. This is something I thought I had put behind me a long time ago but that was before I started working my program. Oh, well, I now have the tools to handle it but I sure wish I didn't have to go back and do this again.
Oh, yeah. I'm almost 59 and was married for 36 years. Don't really feel a need to jump on the dating band wagon in the near future. I rather enjoy just being by myself.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am living each day knowing that I won't heal from my experience...I will simply learn to live with it and get past it. I know I still hold anger and bitterness at the demise of my marriage. I know it still hurts my kids, too. This was not the life we were promised, by someone we all trusted.
I have moved on, I'm in a new relationship, and I am happy -- two plus years after leaving AXH. But would I recommend moving as quickly as I have? Not sure.
Tuffgirl is right that it's too early to get into a new relationship while you're still nursing bitterness and anger about your last one. I'm involved with a person I've known since before AXH, someone who's been a good friend forever, and who walked with me as a friend through the rise and fall of my marriage. There's nothing he doesn't know about me, there's nothing we can't talk about -- and yet, there are bumps in the road.
If I were to give advice, I would say the day you wake up and are happy with being yourself, happy with being single, and can think about the past without your blood pressure rising, that day, you could start thinking about whether you want to date.
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