pauladmits

Oh wow, this is not a good sign. So last night I drank some and was planning on starting today (Thursday). I woke up feeling a little down and I was set on starting my new sober life. I ate breakfast, drank some water, took some vitamins, and took a shower. I came to my computer to log on to the site. I got a thread ready where I was going to start the process again and acknowledge that I am not going to drink anymore. But as I was thinking of typing something it started. I started having that voice tell me "one more day"!! So I went back to doing work, then went back to the site, then work... back and forth. I was so set on having today be the start of the awesome life of sobriety.

Then something ridiculous happened. At 10:45, I went downstairs to grab an orange and a Gatorade... and in the refrigerator was about 3/4 of a bottle of wine. Before I could even stop myself, I took the bottle and I took a gulp of it. And the reason I did it was so I didn't have to start today. I knew I had to work and I had a tee time with some friends at 1 o'clock so I couldn't drink during the day, but I knew if I just took a sip that today would not be the day I start and I would have to wait for tomorrow. This way if I wanted to drink at night I could.

So I got some wine and a little vodka and my dad and I drank some wine and I had some vodka when he went to sleep. Not binge type quantities, but definitely enough to get me faded. I don't know what to say. I appreciate any help, but I just want to say that anything outside of this forum is not going to happen. I'm not going to any meetings, or counseling, or the doctors. Yes I'm stubborn and dumb sometimes, but I'm not going to convince myself otherwise. I would still love to be on this site and get support and continue progressing in my life.

Lots of positives happened from the last time I was here and have carried over. I'm not even in the same vicinity as I was the last time I came here. Things are really going pretty well in my life. But just the last couple days that urge to drink more and that fight to quit vs over consume is back again. So this is not a desperate plea for help like two months ago, it's more just an acknowledgement that things are getting a little sketchy and I'm recognizing signs of problems brewing. The drinking a sip of wine at 10:45 is a scary sign. That's not good one bit. It basically gave my mind a free pass for the day so I don't have to worry about the process of quitting. I don't know whether it's the alcohol I'm scared of being with out or the mental craziness that you have knowing that you are purposely keeping yourself from having something.

Anyways, I hope to start soon. I do not want to continue this and drag this on for years and reach rock bottom. I appreciate any support and advice. I will reiterate that any advice that tells me to get outside help will go in one ear and out the other. I'm just being honest, I am not at the point where I'm willing to see anyone or tell anyone other than you guys. Thanks again for the help!!

Dee74

The site is great Paul - and the love and concern here is great too - but we can't get you in recovery, or keep you there.

Only you can do that...

if you choose to do nothing about your drinking, then things will get worse I'm afraid.

I *really* hope you'll reconsider this, because there's been some great advice given to you over the months.

Everyone wants to see you well, and everyone who responds to you has taken time out to help and advise you on how you can change your life for the better.

There's some amazing wisdom being shared here - don't dismiss that, Paul.

Don't let fear, understandable tho it may be, limit your options and keep you in a deeply unsatisfying status quo.

D

sugarbear1

Anchorage Area Intergroup - AA Meetings in Anchorage Alaska Area

iWillBSobr

Since you are not liking the idea of AA (I don't really either) you should consider another method like AVRT. I like AVRT because I am not religious and I don't have to 'surrender' myself or anything like that. It just teaches you to separate yourself from your addiction. I was surprised how effective it was for me.

All the best to you.

soberbrooke

I had to get out of the "Consciousness" of wanting a drink. Once I was in the Higher level of Consciousness, I was fine. It was like a radio tuner. I had to dial me out of one and into another, if that makes any sense. For me, I needed AA to do that, but maybe for you, you can do that in here, I don't know. It took me approx 4 months of going to a meeting everyday before I finally "got it". I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I hit my rock bottom. When you hit your rock bottom, you will know. Maybe you aren't done with drinking yet, maybe you haven't hit bottom yet. When I hit bottom, I was hopeless, I didn't have anymore answers, I couldn't understand why I kept drinking. Now I know................ It was because I was an alcoholic. I needed alcohol more than I needed anything or anyone else. My consciousness was so pinned to alcohol, I thought I was normal. It was only after I brought my consciousness out of it that I realized it wasn't normal. I know anyone can do it, I am just not sure how without AA, because that is what did it for me. I finally surrendered my EGO and became One with the Creative Forces, or God, is what others call it. Hopefully you will find your way..........

Pondlady

Good Morning Paul!
I know you're here ( ) ........let us hear from you. Thinking about you.

blueshades

Paul, I'm with iWillBSobr here. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that everyone's path to sobriety has to look like AA. There are a lot of ways to get there. The important thing is to try something. What's the old saying about doing everything the same way and expecting a different outcome...? Well, don't do that. Do something instead.

Best wishes.

flutter

Well if you don't want any outside help, I can tell you what my counselor told me the first day I met with him. Rid your house of alcohol. Don't buy alcohol. Don't accept free alcohol. The rest might take some work when you're ready.

2granddaughters

You'll come around. You just haven't suffered quite enough yet.... not ready to "tap out". You will.

All the best.

Bob R

Uninvited

You need to pour all the alcohol down the drain ASAP.

Mizzuno

If SR is enough help for you at this time that is great. Any outside help will only add to what you are trying to accomplish. When you are ready to quit (im not sure that you are) there are a ton of tools for you to use to help the process. This is a process and it takes time. I hope that you dont beat yourself up. The decision to not drink ( or to continue to drink) should not be taken lightly. Please check into AVRT is has helped numerous people on this site. We are here if you continue to drink and here when you choose to stop. My best to you.

freshstart57

Paul, it seems that not only are you not yet planning to succeed, you continue to plan to fail. Actively. Where do you want to start with this? When do you want to start? Do you want to start? I agree that keeping alcohol handy just doesn't match up with what you are saying. I don't get it.

It helped me to write it out. My plan. What is your plan?

Anna

It was so helpful to me to never have alcohol in the house. If it's not there, you can't drink it.

My other suggestion is to pay close attention to the voice in your head. It wanted you to drink the wine in the fridge so you could drink again later in the evening. You don't have to obey the voice. You know what the voice is, so you can hear it, and let it go. It's not you and it doesn't control you.

Another suggestion I have is reading. Books were my source of recovery, and one of the best is "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. It's not particularly about addiction, but about how to live in the moment, how to forgive yourself, how to open your life to your dreams and how to find peace.

NewHouse2012

Is AVRT an actual meeting? Or is it self taught? How do I find more info about it?

DayTrader

I sure tried to recover "conditionally." - as in, it's going to happen this day, this way, here's what I'm going to do and here's what I'm not going to do.

Pretty much, that's how I had always lived my life (in adulthood anyway). To my shock, those methods continued to NOT WORK just like they'd always not worked - for me. Please keep me posted if your results differ.....or if they're the same.

freshstart57

No hijack of OP's thread intended. You can start here with much more discussion and resources at our Secular Connections forum. NewHouse, you can start your own thread, or look at the wealth of material already there.

MrsKing

There's one essential element in sobriety, Paul, and that's a want to be sober. Without it, it's impossible to succeed. That's because we all get cravings to drink, we all have fleeting thoughts of 'just one', or 'it'd be lovely to have a glass of champagne to celebrate this event,' and the list goes on and on. Those who have lasting sobriety have decided that they want to be sober more than that 'just one' and more than that glass of champagne. You're not going to get to a place where those cravings diminish unless you stop drinking and have a good period of sobriety behind you. Those cravings only get easier to deal with when we start understanding them and understanding our reaction to them, and only when we truly WANT to ignore them, can we. You can't expect to suddenly be free from your old routines and your learned habits unless you actively work on changing them, and 100% believe and want to live a sober life.

NewHouse2012

Sorry. No hijacking intended. Yes Paula, just don't beat yourself up hon. Op suggestion of not having the poison in your house is a good start. At least you can have those couple of sips. Had I been in that situation, I would have not made it out of the house to golf. In fact maybe I would have drove to get more booze. Hope that's not what going on right now. If you can, just hold on and start tomorrow by not having a single drop in house. Thoughts out to you my dear.

NoFireWater

It doesn't sound like you're ready to quit yet. Unfortunately, for many people it takes a really bad experience to give them the kick in the ass to get serious about it. I hope that you won't have to wait that long to appreciate the benefits of stopping, but everyone is on their own timetable. Right now it seems like you're doing things to actively keep drinking (have a sip early in the day to give yourself permission to start another day etc.). I don't think your trying to quit when you don't want to, don't feel your drinking is that bad right now, and have no desire for outside help is going to be a success story.
Your description "something ridiculous happened" says it all. Nothing happened to you. You made a choice that you wanted to make.

At least you're here, you're posting, you're thinking about stopping. Maybe that's all you're ready for right now. Maybe next week will be a different story. Since alcoholism is so progressive, you may be getting ready for down the road when you're really going to need help. Plenty of support here for whatever you're working on