some days it would be easier to not exist!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
some days it would be easier to not exist!!
Well its been just over 4 weeks straight and 2 drinks (alcohol was not my vice drugs were)!!
i am on such an emotional rollercoster
And to make things worse everyone i have relied on for support has been a complete let down and it actually is the most heartbreaking part of this whole process
my sister who i have always been so close to, i rang her this morning and all she could say was YOU ALWAYS END UP IN THIS PLACE!!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE MESSAGE, THATS WHAT THESE BAD SITUATIONS ARE MESSAGES TO STOP!!!! all this after she just finished a joint which i didnt know or even think about at the time because i was to busy locked in the bathroom away from my children sobbing listening to the one person i thought wouldnt judge do exactly that.
the friends i used to hang out with are using guilt, black mailand abondonment to try to get me to go running back.
everyone of my family members are either drug addicts or alcoholics (except my dad who unfortunatly is not only in another country but in no way has the ability to cope or give advice or sympathise.
i have never felt so ALONE and so ****** emotionally
I guess that happens when you self medicate for 16 years.
why is it that although i am succeding i feel like a complete and utter failure that doesnt belong on this planet as i serve no purpose to anyone.
today i would be happy to die, go and see someone you say? be around people?
people are busy, people are tired of seeing me stuggle and hurt, people cant be bothered being caring and are sick of seeing me in a state or crying.
the people i know seem to be a little busy, have issues themselves or a just heartless to care about someone with issues
go to the doctor they say
go for a walk
eat healthy. . . . . all good in retrospect but when all you feel you need is love and support veges and air dont really cut it and a doctor will just do what my dealer used to do!
i refuse to use again
i just dont know if i can live through the emotions
anyone else feel the same?
i am on such an emotional rollercoster
And to make things worse everyone i have relied on for support has been a complete let down and it actually is the most heartbreaking part of this whole process
my sister who i have always been so close to, i rang her this morning and all she could say was YOU ALWAYS END UP IN THIS PLACE!!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET THE MESSAGE, THATS WHAT THESE BAD SITUATIONS ARE MESSAGES TO STOP!!!! all this after she just finished a joint which i didnt know or even think about at the time because i was to busy locked in the bathroom away from my children sobbing listening to the one person i thought wouldnt judge do exactly that.
the friends i used to hang out with are using guilt, black mailand abondonment to try to get me to go running back.
everyone of my family members are either drug addicts or alcoholics (except my dad who unfortunatly is not only in another country but in no way has the ability to cope or give advice or sympathise.
i have never felt so ALONE and so ****** emotionally
I guess that happens when you self medicate for 16 years.
why is it that although i am succeding i feel like a complete and utter failure that doesnt belong on this planet as i serve no purpose to anyone.
today i would be happy to die, go and see someone you say? be around people?
people are busy, people are tired of seeing me stuggle and hurt, people cant be bothered being caring and are sick of seeing me in a state or crying.
the people i know seem to be a little busy, have issues themselves or a just heartless to care about someone with issues
go to the doctor they say
go for a walk
eat healthy. . . . . all good in retrospect but when all you feel you need is love and support veges and air dont really cut it and a doctor will just do what my dealer used to do!
i refuse to use again
i just dont know if i can live through the emotions
anyone else feel the same?
dude in recovery
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Gulf Coast, TX
Posts: 1,504
My mother, brother and his wife is about all I have as far as 'family' goes, my mom has helped by giving me a roof over my head, but just didn't fully understand how the drink was tearing me up. My brother was the anti-help, smoking pot, leaving beer out in the open and causing more trouble than he's worth. I have either drank away my old friends or kicked them out, so no support there either...
I have to remind myself that 'My sobriety is my own', for me & by me is the only way it will work. I have to admit that even I would not wanted to hang-out with the old me, nor the 'Day 1 through 100' me.. I was being eaten alive by my own brain. The vast majority of the time 'they' either don't understand or they don't want to and go about their life of using.
I have to remind myself that 'My sobriety is my own', for me & by me is the only way it will work. I have to admit that even I would not wanted to hang-out with the old me, nor the 'Day 1 through 100' me.. I was being eaten alive by my own brain. The vast majority of the time 'they' either don't understand or they don't want to and go about their life of using.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: London, United Kingdom
Posts: 49
Hi JayJay,
Welcome to SR. You've made a great choice by coming here. Listen, people are not going to be as enlightnened as you are at first. You've made the best choice of your life and that alone shows that you have a stregth and constitution far greater than any of your friends and family who are still using. Don't overwhelm yourself with thinking about the future as a whole, think about today and how you've one this battle.
I like to remind people on the forums that we're not just quitting our addictions because we've hurt someone or done stupid things, we are quitting because we are ready to access a part of ourselves that we just couldn't find before. To accept ourselves for who we are without the addiction, and love ourselves for it.
You have friends here who do want to help you, to see you recover. Who recognise that you have been not been using for an entire month and what a staggering feat of strength and willpower that is.
JayJay, you have beautiful children who love and adore their Father. When you are feeling down because everyone else around you isn't as smart as you are, and putting that part of your life behind you forever, just go and sit with them. They'll always accept you, for who you are without the drugs. They love you unconditionally, and you may not see it this way now, but the change you've made... you're their Hero for it.
You're a Hero to me too. Well done and remember how strong you are, and how proud you can be. Post back soon to let us know how things are.
With respect and support,
Jack
Welcome to SR. You've made a great choice by coming here. Listen, people are not going to be as enlightnened as you are at first. You've made the best choice of your life and that alone shows that you have a stregth and constitution far greater than any of your friends and family who are still using. Don't overwhelm yourself with thinking about the future as a whole, think about today and how you've one this battle.
I like to remind people on the forums that we're not just quitting our addictions because we've hurt someone or done stupid things, we are quitting because we are ready to access a part of ourselves that we just couldn't find before. To accept ourselves for who we are without the addiction, and love ourselves for it.
You have friends here who do want to help you, to see you recover. Who recognise that you have been not been using for an entire month and what a staggering feat of strength and willpower that is.
JayJay, you have beautiful children who love and adore their Father. When you are feeling down because everyone else around you isn't as smart as you are, and putting that part of your life behind you forever, just go and sit with them. They'll always accept you, for who you are without the drugs. They love you unconditionally, and you may not see it this way now, but the change you've made... you're their Hero for it.
You're a Hero to me too. Well done and remember how strong you are, and how proud you can be. Post back soon to let us know how things are.
With respect and support,
Jack
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi JayJay
I think a lot of times we've really pushed our loved ones to the edge...and for a long time.
Thats not to say we're bad people or not worthy of support, but I think we have to understand other peoples reactions too.
I found most relationships can be mended - but it can take a little little and effort - we need to be patient.
I think the first step is getting clean and sober and staying that way.
The good news there is that there is always support available - support here at SR and in the real world too.
Have you thought of a recovery group like NA, or one of the non 12 step alternatives like SMART?
Both operate in Oz - let me know if you want some links
D
I think a lot of times we've really pushed our loved ones to the edge...and for a long time.
Thats not to say we're bad people or not worthy of support, but I think we have to understand other peoples reactions too.
I found most relationships can be mended - but it can take a little little and effort - we need to be patient.
I think the first step is getting clean and sober and staying that way.
The good news there is that there is always support available - support here at SR and in the real world too.
Have you thought of a recovery group like NA, or one of the non 12 step alternatives like SMART?
Both operate in Oz - let me know if you want some links
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Scot
Originally Posted by Scolova 
My mother, brother and his wife is about all I have as far as 'family' goes, my mom has helped by giving me a roof over my head, but just didn't fully understand how the drink was tearing me up. My brother was the anti-help, smoking pot, leaving beer out in the open and causing more trouble than he's worth. I have either drank away my old friends or kicked them out, so no support there either...
I have to remind myself that 'My sobriety is my own', for me & by me is the only way it will work. I have to admit that even I would not wanted to hang-out with the old me, nor the 'Day 1 through 100' me.. I was being eaten alive by my own brain. The vast majority of the time 'they' either don't understand or they don't want to and go about their life of using.
I have to remind myself that 'My sobriety is my own', for me & by me is the only way it will work. I have to admit that even I would not wanted to hang-out with the old me, nor the 'Day 1 through 100' me.. I was being eaten alive by my own brain. The vast majority of the time 'they' either don't understand or they don't want to and go about their life of using.
Thank god someone gets it!!! that is exactly how i feel "eaten by my own brain"!!! i love that couldnt have put it better myself!! that and these negative self absorbed idiots i used to hang out with!! thankyou for helping me feel not so alone, i really needed to know that i am not alone in this craziness.
how long did it take for the real crazy crazy to subside for you? thanks again much appreciated!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
I can't change others, I can only change myself. Sure, life is not say at times, especially when battling our addictions. I had to get clean before I could see what a true gift life could be. I didn't do it alone, but with the help of a couple of 12 step program. With them I could rely on a higher power of my own choice, and others trying to help themselves. Just don't quit trying.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi JayJay
I think a lot of times we've really pushed our loved ones to the edge...and for a long time.
Thats not to say we're bad people or not worthy of support, but I think we have to understand other peoples reactions too.
I found most relationships can be mended - but it can take a little little and effort - we need to be patient.
I think the first step is getting clean and sober and staying that way.
The good news there is that there is always support available - support here at SR and in the real world too.
Have you thought of a recovery group like NA, or one of the non 12 step alternatives like SMART?
Both operate in Oz - let me know if you want some links
D
I think a lot of times we've really pushed our loved ones to the edge...and for a long time.
Thats not to say we're bad people or not worthy of support, but I think we have to understand other peoples reactions too.
I found most relationships can be mended - but it can take a little little and effort - we need to be patient.
I think the first step is getting clean and sober and staying that way.
The good news there is that there is always support available - support here at SR and in the real world too.
Have you thought of a recovery group like NA, or one of the non 12 step alternatives like SMART?
Both operate in Oz - let me know if you want some links
D
hi there i would love some links about some support groups in adelaide
thankyou ! the relationships i am frustrated over are not ones i want to repair as they are users, drugs, alcohol and in every other way i actually dont know what it is that guts me so much about it maybe that they are so on at me about bailing on them and this attack attack attack!!! thaks for your advice too Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Dee74
Hi JayJay
I think a lot of times we've really pushed our loved ones to the edge...and for a long time.
Thats not to say we're bad people or not worthy of support, but I think we have to understand other peoples reactions too.
I found most relationships can be mended - but it can take a little little and effort - we need to be patient.
I think the first step is getting clean and sober and staying that way.
The good news there is that there is always support available - support here at SR and in the real world too.
Have you thought of a recovery group like NA, or one of the non 12 step alternatives like SMART?
Both operate in Oz - let me know if you want some links
D
I think a lot of times we've really pushed our loved ones to the edge...and for a long time.
Thats not to say we're bad people or not worthy of support, but I think we have to understand other peoples reactions too.
I found most relationships can be mended - but it can take a little little and effort - we need to be patient.
I think the first step is getting clean and sober and staying that way.
The good news there is that there is always support available - support here at SR and in the real world too.
Have you thought of a recovery group like NA, or one of the non 12 step alternatives like SMART?
Both operate in Oz - let me know if you want some links
D
Originally Posted by Db1105
I can't change others, I can only change myself. Sure, life is not say at times, especially when battling our addictions. I had to get clean before I could see what a true gift life could be. I didn't do it alone, but with the help of a couple of 12 step program. With them I could rely on a higher power of my own choice, and others trying to help themselves. Just don't quit trying.
i cant wait until i can see clearly and truely appreciate what a beautiful gift life is thank you all for the support xx much appreciated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Db1105
I can't change others, I can only change myself. Sure, life is not say at times, especially when battling our addictions. I had to get clean before I could see what a true gift life could be. I didn't do it alone, but with the help of a couple of 12 step program. With them I could rely on a higher power of my own choice, and others trying to help themselves. Just don't quit trying.
thank you this made me feel confident that i am not alone in my stuggle and there is others out there feeling the same and there is help i suppose i get so caught up sometimes i feel like its a world of the sober and the not .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Keep posting on here, pen to paper and write a journal. think about an AA or NA meeting for the support you are craving with others who understand and whom you can hang out with.
You aren't alone!
Love,
You aren't alone!
Love,
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
I'm not in SA myself but these links are national - you could find local meetings on the websites
Narcotics Anonymous Australia - Meetings directory
SMART Recovery Australia |
There are also programmes that rely on books rather than meetings.
Rational Recovery is one of those.
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like that
Closer to home again, there's also the ADIS hotline - a 24-hour telephone information, counselling, and referral service - they may have more local knowledge on groups and programmes:
the number for SA is
ADIS (Alcohol & Drug Information Service) Hot line on 1300 131 340
I hope there's enough there to start with
D
Narcotics Anonymous Australia - Meetings directory
SMART Recovery Australia |
There are also programmes that rely on books rather than meetings.
Rational Recovery is one of those.
I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach like that
Closer to home again, there's also the ADIS hotline - a 24-hour telephone information, counselling, and referral service - they may have more local knowledge on groups and programmes:
the number for SA is
ADIS (Alcohol & Drug Information Service) Hot line on 1300 131 340
I hope there's enough there to start with
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by HitTheRoadJack
Hi JayJay,
Welcome to SR. You've made a great choice by coming here. Listen, people are not going to be as enlightnened as you are at first. You've made the best choice of your life and that alone shows that you have a stregth and constitution far greater than any of your friends and family who are still using. Don't overwhelm yourself with thinking about the future as a whole, think about today and how you've one this battle.
I like to remind people on the forums that we're not just quitting our addictions because we've hurt someone or done stupid things, we are quitting because we are ready to access a part of ourselves that we just couldn't find before. To accept ourselves for who we are without the addiction, and love ourselves for it.
You have friends here who do want to help you, to see you recover. Who recognise that you have been not been using for an entire month and what a staggering feat of strength and willpower that is.
JayJay, you have beautiful children who love and adore their Father. When you are feeling down because everyone else around you isn't as smart as you are, and putting that part of your life behind you forever, just go and sit with them. They'll always accept you, for who you are without the drugs. They love you unconditionally, and you may not see it this way now, but the change you've made... you're their Hero for it.
You're a Hero to me too. Well done and remember how strong you are, and how proud you can be. Post back soon to let us know how things are.
With respect and support,
Jack
Welcome to SR. You've made a great choice by coming here. Listen, people are not going to be as enlightnened as you are at first. You've made the best choice of your life and that alone shows that you have a stregth and constitution far greater than any of your friends and family who are still using. Don't overwhelm yourself with thinking about the future as a whole, think about today and how you've one this battle.
I like to remind people on the forums that we're not just quitting our addictions because we've hurt someone or done stupid things, we are quitting because we are ready to access a part of ourselves that we just couldn't find before. To accept ourselves for who we are without the addiction, and love ourselves for it.
You have friends here who do want to help you, to see you recover. Who recognise that you have been not been using for an entire month and what a staggering feat of strength and willpower that is.
JayJay, you have beautiful children who love and adore their Father. When you are feeling down because everyone else around you isn't as smart as you are, and putting that part of your life behind you forever, just go and sit with them. They'll always accept you, for who you are without the drugs. They love you unconditionally, and you may not see it this way now, but the change you've made... you're their Hero for it.
You're a Hero to me too. Well done and remember how strong you are, and how proud you can be. Post back soon to let us know how things are.
With respect and support,
Jack
iv learnt for so long to hate who i am as a drug addict that i hate myself all over :/ thankyou for taking the time to post it realy means alot to me funny about the hero thing my sister messaged me back this afternoon and said i am not a dissapointment more that i am her hero for facing my demons straight
i dont count myself as a hero by any means i just believe this is something i have to do if i want any sort of a life Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
my last drunk was 4/21/05. the 22nd was the day that it had finally sunk in alcohol was the common denominator in all of my misery. i felt i was a worthless,useless, hopeless,helpless POS. i knew if i took another drink i would kill myself. i started thinking of ways to stop drinking. the things in my head i tried before would pop up, but i knew what the result was then. i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself.
my 1st meeting all i could say was,"i'm tom i;m an alcoholic and i cant take it any more." then i broke down crying. i didnt have to say anything else. them people knew where i was. i was no longer alone.
i picked up the big book and started reading it. even though it was published 28 years before i was born, i was in it!! i couldnt believe it! it described me and how i felt! it also had a solution that sounded good to me.
i went to a lot of meetings back then. i thought for sure them people had been following me for some time as there is no way they knew how i felt without me saying it. welp, i found out they knew because they had been where i was. they did what the big book said and were no longer worthless, useless, hopeless, helpless POS'es.
i wanted what they had and was willing to do whatever i had to do to get it.
it took T.I.M.E. but i started actually liking myself! i was actually able to look in the mirror and like who i saw!!
today, i am no longer existing. i am living and doin it sober.
my 1st meeting all i could say was,"i'm tom i;m an alcoholic and i cant take it any more." then i broke down crying. i didnt have to say anything else. them people knew where i was. i was no longer alone.
i picked up the big book and started reading it. even though it was published 28 years before i was born, i was in it!! i couldnt believe it! it described me and how i felt! it also had a solution that sounded good to me.
i went to a lot of meetings back then. i thought for sure them people had been following me for some time as there is no way they knew how i felt without me saying it. welp, i found out they knew because they had been where i was. they did what the big book said and were no longer worthless, useless, hopeless, helpless POS'es.
i wanted what they had and was willing to do whatever i had to do to get it.
it took T.I.M.E. but i started actually liking myself! i was actually able to look in the mirror and like who i saw!!
today, i am no longer existing. i am living and doin it sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by jayjay30
Thank god someone gets it!!! that is exactly how i feel
I went to a recovery home in '89 and ended up in a large room with 200 other people that were just like me.
The 12 Steps fit us all.
Once we quit drinking/using we have to begin to face all the things we felt were so intolerable, so unacceptable... so scary.
God and AA/NA help me make sense of myself, my disease and the world around me.
Good luck in your recovery.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by tomsteve
my last drunk was 4/21/05. the 22nd was the day that it had finally sunk in alcohol was the common denominator in all of my misery. i felt i was a worthless,useless, hopeless,helpless POS. i knew if i took another drink i would kill myself. i started thinking of ways to stop drinking. the things in my head i tried before would pop up, but i knew what the result was then. i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself.
my 1st meeting all i could say was,"i'm tom i;m an alcoholic and i cant take it any more." then i broke down crying. i didnt have to say anything else. them people knew where i was. i was no longer alone.
i picked up the big book and started reading it. even though it was published 28 years before i was born, i was in it!! i couldnt believe it! it described me and how i felt! it also had a solution that sounded good to me.
i went to a lot of meetings back then. i thought for sure them people had been following me for some time as there is no way they knew how i felt without me saying it. welp, i found out they knew because they had been where i was. they did what the big book said and were no longer worthless, useless, hopeless, helpless POS'es.
i wanted what they had and was willing to do whatever i had to do to get it.
it took T.I.M.E. but i started actually liking myself! i was actually able to look in the mirror and like who i saw!!
today, i am no longer existing. i am living and doin it sober.
my 1st meeting all i could say was,"i'm tom i;m an alcoholic and i cant take it any more." then i broke down crying. i didnt have to say anything else. them people knew where i was. i was no longer alone.
i picked up the big book and started reading it. even though it was published 28 years before i was born, i was in it!! i couldnt believe it! it described me and how i felt! it also had a solution that sounded good to me.
i went to a lot of meetings back then. i thought for sure them people had been following me for some time as there is no way they knew how i felt without me saying it. welp, i found out they knew because they had been where i was. they did what the big book said and were no longer worthless, useless, hopeless, helpless POS'es.
i wanted what they had and was willing to do whatever i had to do to get it.
it took T.I.M.E. but i started actually liking myself! i was actually able to look in the mirror and like who i saw!!
today, i am no longer existing. i am living and doin it sober.
i too absolutely want this done and feel very much the same in that i need NA or kill myself because doing this on my own is far too overwhelming and difficult and i can see myself giving up either on life or myself. thank you so much i will definitly be looking for some na meetings i am curious to the "big book"? i too do not like who i see in the mirror cant waait till i do and i start living xx thanks again means alot!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
We feel so unique, so special, so different until we share our thoughts and feelings and find out that we are garden variety drunks and addicts.
I went to a recovery home in '89 and ended up in a large room with 200 other people that were just like me.
The 12 Steps fit us all.
Once we quit drinking/using we have to begin to face all the things we felt were so intolerable, so unacceptable... so scary.
God and AA/NA help me make sense of myself, my disease and the world around me.
Good luck in your recovery.
Bob R
I went to a recovery home in '89 and ended up in a large room with 200 other people that were just like me.
The 12 Steps fit us all.
Once we quit drinking/using we have to begin to face all the things we felt were so intolerable, so unacceptable... so scary.
God and AA/NA help me make sense of myself, my disease and the world around me.
Good luck in your recovery.
Bob R
thankyou
i to need to make sense of it all me my disease and the world around me Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: south australia
Posts: 20
THANKS SO MUCH EVERYONE!!!!
This morning i was sitting on a toilet locked away from my kids contemplating killing myself . . .. . . . . . . . . tonight i am thinking of na meetings and am just about to start looking online for what i can
i cant express how much you all posting on here means to me and that you all took time out to read, empathise and reply to my story with all yopur wonderful advice
thank you with all my heart
This morning i was sitting on a toilet locked away from my kids contemplating killing myself . . .. . . . . . . . . tonight i am thinking of na meetings and am just about to start looking online for what i can
i cant express how much you all posting on here means to me and that you all took time out to read, empathise and reply to my story with all yopur wonderful advice
thank you with all my heart
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
