Don't know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4
Don't know what to do.
Hello, all. I am new, so I hope it's okay that I'm just jumping in and posting here. I got married two months ago. My husband is an alcoholic.
We are really, really poor. I'm a student, and his job doesn't pay well. We make it, but we cut it very, very close every month. He still somehow manages to bring home a six or twelve pack almost every night, and consume the whole thing himself. A six pack (of tall boys, mind you) by itself isn't enough any more, either; he has started buying a high-alcohol-content single can of this or that to supplement it with. He manages to sneak these into the house somehow, hide the fact that he drank it, and then acts confused when I find the empty next day. ("I wasn't hiding it!")
I know that's not much compared to what some of you have experienced or heard, I know. But he's drunk 5 nights out of 7, and must be spending at least 30 or 40 dollars a week (that's a conservative estimate) that we just don't have. He will spend this money, then go borrow some from his mom to cover bills. I assume he pays that back, but I really don't know. Half the time he spends what he borrows, as well, and we just barely cover the bill/s that he drank away the money for in the first place.
A few weeks ago he picked me up for an event after he left work. He reeked of beer, but swore he hadn't had anything. He was being weird all day. Finally, days later, he admitted he had gotten drunk at work that day, then had two more at home-- and then got in the car and drove 30 minutes to pick me up. He was terrified that he'd gone that far, terrified he'd get caught and be fired, and swore off alcohol, asking me to help him. I poured out the rest of the alcohol in the house. He lasted five days.
He doesn't understand why I worry about how much he drinks and thinks six to himself is no big deal. He has had a problem in the past, and has two strikes on his driving record. This is a man who will buy 12, drink them, and think he's fine to drive and get more. (He is definitely not fine.) I'm terrified (among many, many other drinking-related fears) that he'll be arrested and go to jail.
I'm just...totally powerless. He either doesn't understand how this makes me feel, or doesn't care. I don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to. If anybody actually made through this whole post, thanks for listening.
We are really, really poor. I'm a student, and his job doesn't pay well. We make it, but we cut it very, very close every month. He still somehow manages to bring home a six or twelve pack almost every night, and consume the whole thing himself. A six pack (of tall boys, mind you) by itself isn't enough any more, either; he has started buying a high-alcohol-content single can of this or that to supplement it with. He manages to sneak these into the house somehow, hide the fact that he drank it, and then acts confused when I find the empty next day. ("I wasn't hiding it!")
I know that's not much compared to what some of you have experienced or heard, I know. But he's drunk 5 nights out of 7, and must be spending at least 30 or 40 dollars a week (that's a conservative estimate) that we just don't have. He will spend this money, then go borrow some from his mom to cover bills. I assume he pays that back, but I really don't know. Half the time he spends what he borrows, as well, and we just barely cover the bill/s that he drank away the money for in the first place.
A few weeks ago he picked me up for an event after he left work. He reeked of beer, but swore he hadn't had anything. He was being weird all day. Finally, days later, he admitted he had gotten drunk at work that day, then had two more at home-- and then got in the car and drove 30 minutes to pick me up. He was terrified that he'd gone that far, terrified he'd get caught and be fired, and swore off alcohol, asking me to help him. I poured out the rest of the alcohol in the house. He lasted five days.
He doesn't understand why I worry about how much he drinks and thinks six to himself is no big deal. He has had a problem in the past, and has two strikes on his driving record. This is a man who will buy 12, drink them, and think he's fine to drive and get more. (He is definitely not fine.) I'm terrified (among many, many other drinking-related fears) that he'll be arrested and go to jail.
I'm just...totally powerless. He either doesn't understand how this makes me feel, or doesn't care. I don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to. If anybody actually made through this whole post, thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 20
Hi, You have come to the right place for support. I have only been around these pages a few weeks myself but everyone here has been very supportive. First thing I can say is Yes you are powerless, to control your husband, how much he drinks or how he spends the money. But one thing I know for sure, never get in the car with him when he has been drinking because your life is too important. Your life as a wife to an alcoholic is just starting. I have been married to mine going on 25 years and it is very difficult. Sadly, if I had it to do over again, knowing that he was an alcoholic, I would not have gotten married because the longer you are together the harder it is to leave. Like everyone has suggested to me, Get to an al-anon meeting to learn about the disease of alcoholism. They will help you, as well as coming to this page, to build up your self-esteem and take care of yourself. If he doesn't get help, the drinking and financial problems will continue and continue and life will be difficult. Being newly married comes with enough trials without throwing alcoholism into the mix. I am sorry you are hurting. Please read alot, learn from these people and do what is best for you. You can't fix your husband but you can help yourself with loving support and knowledge.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi, I agree with everything Inthepit has just said and Hello!
Al anon is good, also educate yourself on codependency. I was with an A. for 3 years but we were never married. I tried various tactics trying to get him to stop drinking including bargaining, threatening, pleading, crying, but you can't control them. Oddly enough when I realized I had no control over him, I really lost interest in him, I guess I simply lost hope.
I'm sorry you are in this situation and I can also see how frustrating it would be that he is spending money you don't have on beer. My ex was unemployed and he still found money to buy booze...
It's tempting to think if they loved us enough they would just listen to us and stop what they are doing, but unfortunately it is addiction and so it doesn't work that way. He will only stop if and when he is ready to do so.
Al anon is good, also educate yourself on codependency. I was with an A. for 3 years but we were never married. I tried various tactics trying to get him to stop drinking including bargaining, threatening, pleading, crying, but you can't control them. Oddly enough when I realized I had no control over him, I really lost interest in him, I guess I simply lost hope.
I'm sorry you are in this situation and I can also see how frustrating it would be that he is spending money you don't have on beer. My ex was unemployed and he still found money to buy booze...
It's tempting to think if they loved us enough they would just listen to us and stop what they are doing, but unfortunately it is addiction and so it doesn't work that way. He will only stop if and when he is ready to do so.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Welcome! You are in the right place, there is much wisdom here. I just wanted to offer support and tell you to keep on posting and keep reading. There is not much you can do for your husband, you cannot make him stop drinking, but there is much you can do for yourself, and you will learn more about that here.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome! I'll just nod my head in agreement with what's already been said. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You'll find a great group of people here who are willing to provide tough love and support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
Hi CV
I'm sorry to hear about your worries. I recently came reluctantly to the conclusion that my boyfriend is an alcoholic - i.e. he's not in control of his drinking. I've shouted at him, cried at him, pleaded with him on numerous occasions. I tried to make him understand how I felt. Every time, no matter what promises he made or conditions he agreed to, the drinking would continue. And I couldn't understand how an otherwise intelligent man could choose to continue drinking when it was threatening to damage his solvency, career, relationship with me, etc. But I've realised that he's not in control of his drinking - he's in the grip of an addiction.
This realisation has made it easier for me to stop blaming him for drinking. I've been reading a book called 'Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism*' (which is an updated version of an earlier book by the same authors called 'Under the Influence'). I recommend this book to anyone who wants to know more about alcohol's action on the brain and possible treatments for alcoholism.
My realisation that my boyfriend is an alcoholic has also led me to appreciate that nothing is going to change unless/until he decides to get treatment. That's his decision, I can't make it for him.
Living with him was driving me nuts: I was always questioning him about how much he'd drunk, looking for bottles, looking at the receipts in his wallet to see if they were for alcohol, worrying about upcoming events and suchlike. I realised that I'd stopped doing things with my friends, stopped doing things I enjoy, stopped exercising and eating healthily because I'd become so wrapped up in his alcoholic existence.
So I decided that I can't go on living with him and I asked him to move out, which he is in the process of doing. I appreciate that course of action is not for everyone, but it's helped me feel more secure and relaxed.
I've also started going to AlAnon meetings. I've been pleasantly surprised by how normal the other people are - it seems that alcoholism can strike all kinds of families. In those meetings, I listen to people talking about how they manage to lead a full and fulfilled life despite living with alcoholism in some way.
I hope you find the personal stories and advice that you find on this forum useful to you as you work out how you want to go forward with your life.
Best wishes
SG
*Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism, Katherine Ketcham and William Asbury, Bantam Books, published in 2000. ISBN: 978-0-553-38014-9.
I'm sorry to hear about your worries. I recently came reluctantly to the conclusion that my boyfriend is an alcoholic - i.e. he's not in control of his drinking. I've shouted at him, cried at him, pleaded with him on numerous occasions. I tried to make him understand how I felt. Every time, no matter what promises he made or conditions he agreed to, the drinking would continue. And I couldn't understand how an otherwise intelligent man could choose to continue drinking when it was threatening to damage his solvency, career, relationship with me, etc. But I've realised that he's not in control of his drinking - he's in the grip of an addiction.
This realisation has made it easier for me to stop blaming him for drinking. I've been reading a book called 'Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism*' (which is an updated version of an earlier book by the same authors called 'Under the Influence'). I recommend this book to anyone who wants to know more about alcohol's action on the brain and possible treatments for alcoholism.
My realisation that my boyfriend is an alcoholic has also led me to appreciate that nothing is going to change unless/until he decides to get treatment. That's his decision, I can't make it for him.
Living with him was driving me nuts: I was always questioning him about how much he'd drunk, looking for bottles, looking at the receipts in his wallet to see if they were for alcohol, worrying about upcoming events and suchlike. I realised that I'd stopped doing things with my friends, stopped doing things I enjoy, stopped exercising and eating healthily because I'd become so wrapped up in his alcoholic existence.
So I decided that I can't go on living with him and I asked him to move out, which he is in the process of doing. I appreciate that course of action is not for everyone, but it's helped me feel more secure and relaxed.
I've also started going to AlAnon meetings. I've been pleasantly surprised by how normal the other people are - it seems that alcoholism can strike all kinds of families. In those meetings, I listen to people talking about how they manage to lead a full and fulfilled life despite living with alcoholism in some way.
I hope you find the personal stories and advice that you find on this forum useful to you as you work out how you want to go forward with your life.
Best wishes
SG
*Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism, Katherine Ketcham and William Asbury, Bantam Books, published in 2000. ISBN: 978-0-553-38014-9.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I'm just...totally powerless.
Yes, you are powerless over your husband.
But, you do have complete power and control over yourself.
If anybody actually made through this whole post, thanks for listening.
) how many others share your same story.Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Beth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4
Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate all the support. It's making me well up a little, honestly. Inthepit, if I know he's been drinking I don't get in the car with him, I promise! SundayGirl, thank you for sharing your story.
He came home last night after I posted this with--you'll never guess--a bunch of beer! I tried to talk to him, and we ended up fighting. After he calmed down though we were able to talk for real, and I said all the things I've already said before. He listened and said all the same things he'd said before, in response. In the end he asked why I was still upset, and I told him I felt really alone in my concerns about him/his drinking. This man hates talking about things, but he said he's concerned, too, and that he wants to quit. It's a step in the right direction, but frankly, he has said this before. I'll believe it when I see it.
I feel like I'm always trying to play it down, in my mind. "Oh, it's not that bad. It could be so much worse. He could be drinking away the rent. He could be hitting me. He could be passing out every night." ...But the fact that the guy next door cut his hand off yesterday doesn't make your paper cut sting less, you know? "It could be worse, it's not that bad" does not translate to "Gee, things are swell."
I don't want to go out, socially, because I'm afraid he will spend all the money on beer, and I am embarrassed by how much he drinks. (I am also not a very experienced or confident driver, even at 28, and I'm afraid I'll have to drive home nervous and distracted by my drunk husband.)
Getting to al-anon meetings could be difficult, because I have no car, but I think there are some around my university campus. I'm going to look into it, and if there aren't any I can make it to in person, I will definitely find some kind of online meetings I can attend.
He came home last night after I posted this with--you'll never guess--a bunch of beer! I tried to talk to him, and we ended up fighting. After he calmed down though we were able to talk for real, and I said all the things I've already said before. He listened and said all the same things he'd said before, in response. In the end he asked why I was still upset, and I told him I felt really alone in my concerns about him/his drinking. This man hates talking about things, but he said he's concerned, too, and that he wants to quit. It's a step in the right direction, but frankly, he has said this before. I'll believe it when I see it.
I feel like I'm always trying to play it down, in my mind. "Oh, it's not that bad. It could be so much worse. He could be drinking away the rent. He could be hitting me. He could be passing out every night." ...But the fact that the guy next door cut his hand off yesterday doesn't make your paper cut sting less, you know? "It could be worse, it's not that bad" does not translate to "Gee, things are swell."
I don't want to go out, socially, because I'm afraid he will spend all the money on beer, and I am embarrassed by how much he drinks. (I am also not a very experienced or confident driver, even at 28, and I'm afraid I'll have to drive home nervous and distracted by my drunk husband.)
Getting to al-anon meetings could be difficult, because I have no car, but I think there are some around my university campus. I'm going to look into it, and if there aren't any I can make it to in person, I will definitely find some kind of online meetings I can attend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4
Hypatia, yes, there is a student counseling facility on campus. I have a three hour block of time free between classes on a couple of days, so I'm going to call and hopefully get an appt with a counselor during that time.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Cervisia, Welcome to SR!
I'm glad you are going to get an appointment at the counseling center! You should qualify for several free appointments each semester, right?
I hope your husband will choose sobriety. Sadly, that decision is entirely up to him, and the work involved is all on him, too. I thought I would share the following post with you. It really helped me very much when I first arrived at SR.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm glad you are going to get an appointment at the counseling center! You should qualify for several free appointments each semester, right?
I hope your husband will choose sobriety. Sadly, that decision is entirely up to him, and the work involved is all on him, too. I thought I would share the following post with you. It really helped me very much when I first arrived at SR.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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