Venting - Harsh because i am pissed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
Venting - Harsh because i am pissed.
fury is what i feel today. i look back at all the crap i am suppose to "accept and move on" and i get so pissed off. it aint that hard to be with me, you know? but it is a completely different story trying to "be" with his ass, you know? i was a good wife and mother to his son. and here he goes off and CHOOSES to get addicted to drugs (who gives a **** what kind)...and destroys this family....i mean, how selfish can you be? did it feel that good? did you think you were cool? did you think you were the man? are you the man, now? did you think it was cool to be the "party guy?" the guy with the chicks, the liquor, the coke, the mancave, the weed....THE MAN?" at 40?
and look at your ass now...broke, living with your brother and his girlfriend...no house...because i kicked your ass out, no money, wife and kid out of the picture...a former jailbird for fighting your wife....and still using/selling drugs. i guess you are "the man" now...getting all excited about getting your little apartment...get your money from your job...that is if you dont get fired...and just "live the life." what a pathetic jerk...at 40.
what a coward. of course you ran away like a kid. you dont have the courage to look me in my face and answer for all the crap you have done. you dont deserve to be able to look at me in my face.
but oh well, i guess you are just the man now. so cool.
funny how all the "friends" that you think like you only use you for money and drugs. when the money runs out...they will be gone too...and so will everything else you "think" is important.
what a loser.
and look at your ass now...broke, living with your brother and his girlfriend...no house...because i kicked your ass out, no money, wife and kid out of the picture...a former jailbird for fighting your wife....and still using/selling drugs. i guess you are "the man" now...getting all excited about getting your little apartment...get your money from your job...that is if you dont get fired...and just "live the life." what a pathetic jerk...at 40.
what a coward. of course you ran away like a kid. you dont have the courage to look me in my face and answer for all the crap you have done. you dont deserve to be able to look at me in my face.
but oh well, i guess you are just the man now. so cool.
funny how all the "friends" that you think like you only use you for money and drugs. when the money runs out...they will be gone too...and so will everything else you "think" is important.
what a loser.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I'm glad you got that out here. It's a safe place to vent.
I hope you can put the focus on your recovery sooner rather than later.
God Bless,
ZoSo
I hope you can put the focus on your recovery sooner rather than later.
God Bless,
ZoSo
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's good to vent and get it out, every drop of it, because holding in that kind of anger can eat you alive.
I was angry for a long time, at my son for destroying his life and almost destroying ours, at God for all the trouble in my life, at friends who didn't understand because they had never experienced what it is like to lose a loved one to addiction...darn right I was angry..and sad...and scared...no terrified at where this would all lead.
What helped me most to find my balance and some semblance of sanity was to go to meetings, learn to work 12 little steps that saved my life and still guide me today to stay on a good path, and to surround myself with support from people who understood.
You will know you are on the right tract when you can finally let go of the anger and find some peace for yourself. It will come, just give it time and a little bit of focus.
Hugs
I was angry for a long time, at my son for destroying his life and almost destroying ours, at God for all the trouble in my life, at friends who didn't understand because they had never experienced what it is like to lose a loved one to addiction...darn right I was angry..and sad...and scared...no terrified at where this would all lead.
What helped me most to find my balance and some semblance of sanity was to go to meetings, learn to work 12 little steps that saved my life and still guide me today to stay on a good path, and to surround myself with support from people who understood.
You will know you are on the right tract when you can finally let go of the anger and find some peace for yourself. It will come, just give it time and a little bit of focus.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
Let it all OUT..........lot of power in that.....just make sure you don't take ownership of any of it......
Then...find a peaceful place and contemplate what is the next healthy thing for you......make it a priority to take care of yourself. Meetings, positive self-talk, looking for support here.....whatever it takes.
We are walking with you!
Then...find a peaceful place and contemplate what is the next healthy thing for you......make it a priority to take care of yourself. Meetings, positive self-talk, looking for support here.....whatever it takes.
We are walking with you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I always like to say that anger is a red flag representing broken boundaries
of course your boundaries, of your family life, of your hopes and dreams, have been horribly trampled upon.
just take good care of yourself, get to meetings, process here, read books, etc
because as I have discovered this about anger as well...
as someone attached to an addict I had my own progressive sickness as well, and I found that my anger...and my desire to argue, fight, and blame my ex with all the anger and heart broken dreams that I felt...was another way of remaining attached.
I know you are new to all these feelings, and that you are of course angry, and probably in shock. but you are also here and progressing rapidly in the direction of detachment.
surround yourself with support, and vent your anger as much as you need to...and then start learning about how you will let it go too...because we can keep that anger alive and it starts to kill the good in our world
I am happy you no longer have an active addict living (and dealing and cheating and abusing) in your household
good work on enforcing boundaries
let your current anger help enforce those new (and maybe a little bewildering) boundaries
of course your boundaries, of your family life, of your hopes and dreams, have been horribly trampled upon.
just take good care of yourself, get to meetings, process here, read books, etc
because as I have discovered this about anger as well...
as someone attached to an addict I had my own progressive sickness as well, and I found that my anger...and my desire to argue, fight, and blame my ex with all the anger and heart broken dreams that I felt...was another way of remaining attached.
I know you are new to all these feelings, and that you are of course angry, and probably in shock. but you are also here and progressing rapidly in the direction of detachment.
surround yourself with support, and vent your anger as much as you need to...and then start learning about how you will let it go too...because we can keep that anger alive and it starts to kill the good in our world
I am happy you no longer have an active addict living (and dealing and cheating and abusing) in your household
good work on enforcing boundaries
let your current anger help enforce those new (and maybe a little bewildering) boundaries
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
another day...and i am more pissed than ever. i just am. i woke up this morning...baby not feeling well...sack full of past due bills...mortgage due next week...boss on my back...saying..."you seem distant lately...everything ok?"...house needs to be taken care of...and my ******* coke addict husband bailed!!!!! i am enraged by that!! and i made the MISTAKE last night in the detachment process....i looked up his email to "see" what was going on. i was STRONGLY advised by a recovering coke addict on this site who WARNED me NOT to do that. he said..since you have not talked to him, and dont know what is going on...assume the WORST...and stay as far away from the situation as possible. IDIOT me...when and took a peek...well....turns out that he was meeting up ON FOOT with a woman that he used to sell drugs to. about a year ago...one of his druggie friends, my husband and this woman used to get high together and god knows what else. so anyway...it looked like he was trying to set up a meeting with her at midnight. this woman has been in and out of jail...and when i looked her up on facebook...she is 50...and looks about 80...i cant even tell you. and that is who is he associating with! STILL. whether he is dealing, trying to "score" or whatever...he is still in "that world"...you know? bad move for me to check his email. i wont do it again. it tells me that he is nowhere near recovery. i KNOW i need to detach...that is what they tell me in nar anon and so do all my friends here....what an *******.
my denial is lifting...quickly...especially after reading his email...if he says he's a coke addict...believe him!!! Yes...he probably did confess that he was a coke addict because i busted him sexting. That doesn't mean it's not true. Addicts lie and manipulate and always, always play the victim...it's the nature of the beast. He confessed because not only would it take the heat off of me finding more in regards to his cheating...but he was also hoping it would play into my sympathies. Oh poor WH is a coke addict...he needs help...I will save him!! He was hoping his cheating would be placed on the back burner or forgotten entirely while i put all your focus on helping heal his poor litte coke addicted self. Lie...manipulate...be the victim.
FINALLY, i am accepting this is not an either or situation. He is both...a coke addict and a cheater. Both lie, manipulate and then try to turn the situation around making them the victim. Why is it so important to me that he is not a coke addict? I think that is where my denial about this is. Why is it so important to me that he is not a coke addict i ask myself honestly? Is that i feel him being an addict somehow dismisses what his cheating has done to me and our family? Since he is an addict, his cheating shouldn't be as destructive and painful as i feel it is? Is it that since he is an addict, his cheating should be overlooked or downplayed...which is unfair and dismissive of me? He is an addict and a cheater.
One does not dismiss the other. He is both...and should be held responsible for both. It doesn't matter that he is an addict...he should not cheat on me...he should not lie to me...he should not have hurt me and crushed my heart and spirit like he has. my pain, my anger, my frustration, and sadness...all of is valid!!! He cheated on me. He lied to me doing drugs. He betrayed me. And he has torn up this family. My feelings are valid!! He ran away because that is what addicts do. He ran away because he does not want to face his addiction or the incredible amount of disrespect and pain he himself has caused me.
He is a weak, self-centered man...a cheater and an addict. He can not meet my requirements or respect my boundaries because that would mean facing himself...and he will not do that. He will not go to rehab because he is a weak, self-centered man who does not have it in him to be a real man...brave, willing and selfless.
he is simply put...and *******.
i hate him...i hate him.
my denial is lifting...quickly...especially after reading his email...if he says he's a coke addict...believe him!!! Yes...he probably did confess that he was a coke addict because i busted him sexting. That doesn't mean it's not true. Addicts lie and manipulate and always, always play the victim...it's the nature of the beast. He confessed because not only would it take the heat off of me finding more in regards to his cheating...but he was also hoping it would play into my sympathies. Oh poor WH is a coke addict...he needs help...I will save him!! He was hoping his cheating would be placed on the back burner or forgotten entirely while i put all your focus on helping heal his poor litte coke addicted self. Lie...manipulate...be the victim.
FINALLY, i am accepting this is not an either or situation. He is both...a coke addict and a cheater. Both lie, manipulate and then try to turn the situation around making them the victim. Why is it so important to me that he is not a coke addict? I think that is where my denial about this is. Why is it so important to me that he is not a coke addict i ask myself honestly? Is that i feel him being an addict somehow dismisses what his cheating has done to me and our family? Since he is an addict, his cheating shouldn't be as destructive and painful as i feel it is? Is it that since he is an addict, his cheating should be overlooked or downplayed...which is unfair and dismissive of me? He is an addict and a cheater.
One does not dismiss the other. He is both...and should be held responsible for both. It doesn't matter that he is an addict...he should not cheat on me...he should not lie to me...he should not have hurt me and crushed my heart and spirit like he has. my pain, my anger, my frustration, and sadness...all of is valid!!! He cheated on me. He lied to me doing drugs. He betrayed me. And he has torn up this family. My feelings are valid!! He ran away because that is what addicts do. He ran away because he does not want to face his addiction or the incredible amount of disrespect and pain he himself has caused me.
He is a weak, self-centered man...a cheater and an addict. He can not meet my requirements or respect my boundaries because that would mean facing himself...and he will not do that. He will not go to rehab because he is a weak, self-centered man who does not have it in him to be a real man...brave, willing and selfless.
he is simply put...and *******.
i hate him...i hate him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
suki and lovemenot...forgive me for lashing out at the both of you for being honest...and telling me **** i didnt want to hear, but needed to hear. i am not a bitch....just in a horrible place.
you were right. period.
your posts are welcomed, and unblocked.
you were right. period.
your posts are welcomed, and unblocked.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by suki44883 
There's not a thing in the world wrong with being pistoff. Anger can be a great motivator. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 165
and he thinks for ONE MINUTE that i am going to let him come and take my son to go visit with him and his enabling ass family? my husband and his crazy ass family can go **** themselves. my son goes nowhere. and seeing that email SHOWS me that he is in "that world" and i want my son as far away from that crap as possible. but you know what...it was never about him wanting to see my baby anyway...that was a smokescreen...i got that figured out. him making such a big deal about wanting to see his son...and saying..."she's not letting me see my son" was just a smokescreen...again...lies and manipulation...to take the focus off of his own problems...that he is a coke addict and a cheater. after the DV incident...and him going to jail for a week...he needed "something" so he used the whole visitation thing. not a word from him about his son...asking how he was doing, or anything...nothing. bottom line is this: if he was interested in seeing his son, or even how he was doing...he would make an attempt. quit that ******* denial too...he just doesnt want to...period. and what do i expect? he's a cokehead.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
I'm sorry to see you hurting but I'm glad to see that you are venting. You need to get it off your chest.
I know exactly how you feel. I remember feeling like I HATED him too. And I hated everything about him but I didn't want to leave. It was the craziest feeling.
Wishing you nothing but the best.
I know exactly how you feel. I remember feeling like I HATED him too. And I hated everything about him but I didn't want to leave. It was the craziest feeling.
Wishing you nothing but the best.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Five Stages of Grief
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
The stages have evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance
The stages have evolved since their introduction and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief ’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Miller05
and he thinks for ONE MINUTE that i am going to let him come and take my son to go visit with him and his enabling ass family? my husband and his crazy ass family can go **** themselves. my son goes nowhere. and seeing that email SHOWS me that he is in "that world" and i want my son as far away from that crap as possible. but you know what...it was never about him wanting to see my baby anyway...that was a smokescreen...i got that figured out. him making such a big deal about wanting to see his son...and saying..."she's not letting me see my son" was just a smokescreen...again...lies and manipulation...to take the focus off of his own problems...that he is a coke addict and a cheater. after the DV incident...and him going to jail for a week...he needed "something" so he used the whole visitation thing. not a word from him about his son...asking how he was doing, or anything...nothing. bottom line is this: if he was interested in seeing his son, or even how he was doing...he would make an attempt. quit that ******* denial too...he just doesnt want to...period. and what do i expect? he's a cokehead.
My hope for you, once you get all of this out of your system, is that you shift the focus off him and onto you. There's nothing you can do about him now, but you can start to heal yourself. And that means accepting that there'll be days that you're pissed off like you are now. Or really depressed. I won't lie: it's not going to be easy for you. But, if you decide that you're done with him -- and I mean really D O N E -- you can move on and start living the life you want to live. Out of pain and suffering comes growth.
Hang in there.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
although it might not be best for your mental/emotional well being right now...it just might not hurt to print out those emails...just in case you need them in the future as evidence, at least then your having watched his behavior can be transformed into a constructive defense ? not sure this is the right advice...just saying
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Keep venting it does help. Stay angry it is a great motivator to keep moving
forward.
I would suggest you get some legal advice, whether you plan on divorcing or
getting a legal separation to get 'supervised visits' by an approved supervisor
of the court set up. This way he cannot biotch at you about no visitation and
has to do it as the Court says, not as he 'wants' it and your son will be very
well protected.
This will allow you to keep moving forward, working on you and getting you
and your son out of a very bad situation.
We are here. We do understand, vent away.
Love and hugs,
forward.
I would suggest you get some legal advice, whether you plan on divorcing or
getting a legal separation to get 'supervised visits' by an approved supervisor
of the court set up. This way he cannot biotch at you about no visitation and
has to do it as the Court says, not as he 'wants' it and your son will be very
well protected.
This will allow you to keep moving forward, working on you and getting you
and your son out of a very bad situation.
We are here. We do understand, vent away.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
I totally know how you feel, I have just gone through a similar anger in the last 6 months. Awful and consuming and justified. My XAH blames my anger for everything that has gone wrong for him but I feel it was a natural reaction to a huge betrayal. The more posts I read here the more i see that most partners of addicts feel huge anger at the start. My anger started to disipate when I took the time to find out all about addiction and recovery and started reading this board too. It's good that you're getting it all out of your system.
My guy was in his forties too when he started his addiction. WTF? He also has gorgeous kids and ME, a fabulous wife along with a good job, friends and family. I can't tell you how very angry I was that he'd thrown it all away, risked our happiness and safety too.
Wishing you peace and happiness-it will come,
S
My guy was in his forties too when he started his addiction. WTF? He also has gorgeous kids and ME, a fabulous wife along with a good job, friends and family. I can't tell you how very angry I was that he'd thrown it all away, risked our happiness and safety too.
Wishing you peace and happiness-it will come,
S
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