Feel very codie

Old 08-23-2012, 06:46 PM
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Feel very codie

Today one guy told me that I need to keep trying for my sister's sake. It's been hours and I can't think of anything else. I feel SO GUILTY. How do you escape the giult? How to be happy and not to feel guilty for feeling happy? I read a few books about codependacy recently and was feeling somewhat better, however this guy's words triggered my codependency big time. Sorry for venting.
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Old 08-23-2012, 07:02 PM
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Ann
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For me, I almost "tried" myself right into my own grave, so the way I help my son today is to pray for him each morning, asking God to take care of him.

People who haven't walked in our shoes have no idea what it means to tell someone that "they" are the only hope an addict has. If that were true, not one of us would be here.

We can love our addicted family members or friends, we can encourage them when they make positive moves to help themselves, but we cannot save them from that which is not ours to control.

Keep reading, keep sharing and keep praying, and you'll be okay.

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Old 08-24-2012, 09:14 PM
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The way you keep trying is by continuing what you have started: educating yourself on addiction and following expert advice on how best to help an addict.

The expert advice is to stop rescuing the addict from any consequences of using drugs so that the addict can experience enough pain and crisis-- caused by drugs --that the addict wants to QUIT.

Yes, you should keep trying, and the way you do that is to continue to educate yourself about setting boundaries and refusing to enable.

The addict will continue to use as long as she is rescued from the problems drugs create in her life.

You are definitely helping her in the right way today if you are keeping hands off her problems.
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Old 08-25-2012, 09:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
For me, I almost "tried" myself right into my own grave....

Same here.

If my time, effort and/or words could get and keep anyone else in recovery, I would fix everyone. Alas, I am not that powerful.
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Old 08-25-2012, 10:27 AM
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If love, support, effort and any other attempt from us could make an addict stop using there would be no addicts...

There isn't anything we can do for the people we love.

They have to do it themselves.

And sadly, a lot of times that takes losing everything.

All we do is enable them, make it more likely they they'll use. My EXABF who is now in jail told me that part of how he validated using was that he wasn't losing everything doing it. He still had his apartment, his job and me.

Now that he's lost all of that, lost EVERYTHING from drugs...AGAIN, and sees his future disappearing and has hit a new rock bottom he's realized he can't ever control it, that it won't ever be different. That he can't have happiness and be using at the same time...

I don't know if it will be any different. All I know is that there was NO CHANCE of his life life changing if he didn't lose everything.

I am still communicating with him because of the guilt. I feel like I "owe" him.

But I know I don't. Just like deep down you know you don't owe your sister anything. She's the one who used, lied and caused this to happen. Your support obviously wasn't going to make her stop. It's something she needs to decide on her own.

You need to focus on yourself, your happiness because that you can control. Her you can't.

It's normal to feel guilty but you need to remind yourself that you have nothing to feel guilty of.
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